Parenting and worry seem to go hand-in-hand. Because we care so much, we watch our kids closely and can tend to perceive their traits and behaviors in a needlessly negative, worrisome light. In this episode, Janet explains why traits like sensitivity, bossiness, a toddler’s insistence on doing it himself, and another child’s seemingly constant need for a parent’s validation can all be seen (and approached far more effectively!) as strengths.
Transcript of “Too Needy, Too Stubborn, Too Emotional, Too Bossy, Too . . .”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
Today I’m going to be talking about a tendency that many of us have as parents that can get in our way and get in our children’s way. What it really is is letting our fears and concerns color our views of our children so that we’re not really seeing them clearly. We’re kind of jumping to conclusions, often turning positive traits, actually, into negatives. I want to get into some examples of that and try to explain how we can be aware of this and work on not letting it get in our way or in the way of the relationship that we want to have with our child.
The reason I want to talk about this today is that it’s been coming up in notes that you’ve sent to me lately, and in a post that I actually just reposted on Instagram called Stop Worrying About Your Sensitive Child. That post is about how sensitive children—and I was one of them, I still consider myself a very sensitive person—how we tend to worry about them. How we tend to feel like we have to compensate for their sensitivity, maybe walk on eggshells around them, rather than giving them the boundaries and honesty that all kids need. Feeling worried when we’re expecting them to assert themselves and they’re not doing it.
Sensitivity is, to use an overused expression, a superpower. It’s the reason I am able to do the work that I do. It’s compassionate, it’s empathetic, it’s intuitive. It’s all these things we want our children to be. But when it shows up, we tend to doubt our children, maybe try to fix that, wish that they weren’t so sensitive or so emotional. I got a note about that from a family who’s concerned that their boy—actually, the mother is saying that the father’s more concerned than she is—but they’re worried that their son, who’s very emotional, may get teased in school about that. And is he too emotional? Is he too whiny?
And then there’s some other notes I got that give other kinds of examples. We don’t feel our child is social enough, athletic enough, advanced enough, gracious, assertive, gentle, creative, artistic, independent. As parents, we can always find a reason to worry. Particularly if our child’s behavior reflects a discomfort that we have with ourselves, something we were maybe criticized for or that our parents tried to compensate for.
So just with play, for example, here are some worries that parents commonly share with me: My child doesn’t seem interested in toys. My child only plays with one type of toy. Or, my child moves from toy to toy, never seeming to focus on anything for very long. My child takes toys from other children. My child gives toys up to other children too easily. My child’s too bossy with their friends. Or, my child stays on my lap at the playgroup rather than exploring with the other kids. My child’s too bossy with her sibling. My child seems like a follower, not a leader. Or, my child’s too much a leader. So it could almost be as if when we get caught up in these fears— again, especially the ones that reflect areas of concern that our parents maybe had about us, and therefore we have about ourselves—it’s almost like there’s nothing that we wouldn’t be concerned about. We can see everything as a problem.
And part of that is just parenting. It’s such a big job, it’s such a big commitment. We have a huge responsibility. We want to do the best we can by our children, of course, so often that takes us into being concerned about managing things that actually are positives and don’t need to be managed. They just need to be noticed and maybe for us to be curious about them and interested in them. Because even if we try to keep these concerns about our child private, we’re dismayed, we’re dissatisfied, and our children tend to sense that. They’re very sensitive to what we are feeling, about them especially. So that makes it difficult for them to be able to pass confidently through all these phases of development. There are children that will land on both sides of that coin at different times. They’ll seem “shy” in certain situations and then seem maybe too assertive to us in others, too bossy. But this is learning in action, going through all these different phases and ways of being and learning from them.
Trusting that can be really, really hard. It can be hard not to want to shield our child that we feel is too sensitive, protect them from experiences. Maybe feel tentative with them around setting boundaries because we’re worried that their feelings are not safe for them to feel, it’s too much. Or we want to scold a child and pull them back when they’re being too bossy. But being bossy is something that children learn about with each other in terms of whether that works for them or not. And a lot of times that “bossy” child is the one with a lot of ideas about what to do, and they are using leadership skills that are very healthy. And in terms of an older sibling bossing a younger sibling, that is how you play with a younger sibling. It’s a rare child who will not try to control the play of that younger sibling. And that’s okay, for both of them. In fact, it’s better that our younger child learns to assert themselves that way than it is for them to think they need us to come in and change the dynamic for them because we don’t trust them as able to stand up for themselves.
And this is where FDR’s famous statement could apply to parenting, that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Because truly it’s our fears that will tend to trip us up and can even cause the behaviors and feelings that we dread. By feeling anxious about our child’s anxiousness in a situation when in fact that’s appropriate for them to feel a lot of the time. But now we’ve added to their concern and maybe made them feel less comfortable in those situations.
So how can we change what we feel? Well, that’s the problem. Just like with our children, we can’t change what we feel. And we might believe that we’re doing this stellar job pretending to be unaffected, but more often than not, children still know it’s an act. They sense what we’re feeling. Here’s an example, a parent wrote to me:
I have a three-year-old boy. He needs to do everything by himself. Everything. When I don’t let him a few times, there’s a total meltdown. I stay patient and available for as long as it lasts, but it can last 30 to 40 minutes before he calms down. What other things can I do or practice to help alleviate these intense autonomous moments?
Here’s what I would try to see as a wonderful, interesting thing, that our child wants to have agency. They want to be autonomous and do these things themselves. And that’s a very typical toddler to three- or four-year-old feeling, because they’re really beginning to feel themselves as more independent people. And that’s positive! I can think of the other side of this coin already, in the child that won’t do anything and just wants their parent to do everything for them. We wouldn’t want that either.
So how do we respond to this from a perspective of it as positive, actually, not this problematic thing that’s going on, and to encourage him to pass through this? As almost always, it’s about really normalizing the feelings that he has around trying to accomplish skills, things he wants to do himself. When we want to achieve a new skill or figure something out, we really don’t want someone else to do it for us. We want to be able to do it. That’s the whole point, right? To me, it makes sense that he gets upset when the parent isn’t letting him do it.
But I think where this parent may be going that I would try to help them with is that they’re alarmed by his meltdown around this. And the thing is, the meltdown is part of the process for children when they’re going through this type of phase, or if this is just a part of their personality, that they really love to do things themselves and they get intense about it. It’s not something we have to worry about, that he’s having feelings about that. It’s just part of the process. And we also don’t need to stop everything and put life on hold while he’s upset and try to comfort him too much there. More make it about accepting and acknowledging that he’s having a hard time with this process.
As I think I’ve shared here in this podcast, I’m somebody that expresses a lot of feelings, a lot of anger and frustration, when I’m trying to do something. It can be even something that doesn’t seem that big a deal, like maybe I can’t find something in the house or that I’ve left somewhere. That’s happening a lot lately! And I mean, you should hear me, right? I have practically an adult meltdown. And what happens is I do that and then I keep looking and maybe I give up and then I try again, and then eventually I find it. And that’s okay. I mean, it’s one thing if this child’s taking it out on someone else and hurting them, of course we’re going to put a boundary there and stop them and say, “Oh, can’t let you do that. But you really wanted to do that yourself. Ugh! You don’t like when you can’t quite do it yet.” Trust your child’s process and the feelings that are a part of that process, a healthy part of that process.
Here’s a child who seems to need nonstop attention and reinforcement and this parent is concerned:
Hi, Janet-
We’re struggling with our 16-month-old’s constant need for verbal affirmation every time she names an object or says a word. For example, she will walk around and pick up her Minnie doll and then she will start saying “Minnie” over and over and over again until one of us says “Minnie” or “Yes, that’s your Minnie doll.” And then she will move on to the next doll, object, toy, or book and do the exact same thing. We don’t usually overdo our responses, but of course other loving people around us might (grandparents). [And she put a smile.] She has very advanced language skills for her age, is already using a few words together to express herself or a need and learns new words and proper nouns every single day in two languages.
As stated, she is 16 months old and recently started walking, which might mean that she’s looking for more connection given her new independent skill. She was always encouraged to do independent play and usually would do so for even 30 to 45 minutes at a time, even only three to four months ago. Is this normal behavior given her new communication skills and development, or is she seeking nonstop attention and reinforcement? And if so, how can we stop this constant need of hers for our approval?
Thank you so much.
Oh, and I forgot to mention, I’m a stay at home mom and my husband works from home. We are with our daughter every day, have all meals together, and spend the day together other than when her grandparents take her for two hours a day.
So this parent doesn’t seem like she’s alarmed or fearful about this at all. She’s curious and she’s wondering, is this okay or is this a problem that she seems to need so much attention and reinforcement? Does she need more connection? What’s going on here? Given that the parents are with her every day and have their meals together, I mean, I imagine this girl is getting quite a lot of connection. I don’t believe it’s about that.
But this is the interesting thing that happens when we, as we naturally do as parents, have doubts. We have doubts that, Hmm, is she a bit needy? Is this a weakness in her? Is this a problem? And just that little bit of doubt seeps into us—and that naturally happens, so there’s no criticism in that at all. It’s just something to be aware of. She’s picking up on that: Hmm, there’s this little hesitation or this tiny bit of discomfort I’m sensing from my parents when I say “Minnie, Minnie, Minnie.” They respond, but there’s a little edge to it. There’s a little discomfort in it, almost like they didn’t want to respond. So I had to keep doing it again and again, and then they finally did.
That’s what can keep our child hooked in, that little bit of doubt that we have. We’re seeing a positive as an uh oh, and therefore it kind of builds, our child keeps going to this. I believe this absolutely is a phase, and it’s something that’s, again, gotten a little bit perpetuated by the parent’s worry about it, the little bit of worry that seeped in. It probably started with her just wanting to share, Hey, I know this word. That’s the word, right? So just try to dial it back, see all the positives going on here. The first time she says it and you’re nearby, just say, “Oh, there’s Minnie. You found Minnie.” Not trying to wait it out if you’re there. If you’re not there and you hear her in the distance, you don’t have to run in and answer her. But just try to see this as all positive and that the only thing that can get in the way here is your doubt.
And yes, she may also be checking out the difference between the way her grandparents respond to her and the way her parents do. And that’s really positive learning as well. Look at all that this little girl’s figuring out! Two languages and she’s 16 months old and talking. I mean, most children that have two languages, it takes them longer to talk because they have two languages they’re absorbing, and that tends to delay their oral expression. But wow, she’s already doing it. So no, I don’t see the slightest problem or weakness here in what’s going on. The only problem is in the way that we can get caught up perceiving it. Trust her process.
Here’s one more. This one I may respond to in another podcast episode in full. I actually wrote to her to ask her some questions, so I just want to touch on it here. The dad especially is worried about his son’s emotionality. And I don’t know if there’s also an aspect to this that could be gender-related, that a lot of the time boys aren’t as accepted for being emotional as girls are. But this is such a strength, to be in touch with our emotions and to let ourselves feel them. It’s much more positive than holding them in, feeling bad for them, doubting ourselves, feeling ashamed for our emotions.
And I’ve got to believe that most other children that this boy will be exposed to will relate to him, as children do. They relate to a child who has feelings. And yes, maybe they will sort of be passing along some of the conditioning they might’ve received from their parents or judgments they might’ve received about Don’t be this, Don’t do that, What’s the matter with you? You don’t need to get upset about that. Children do tend to pass that on to other children, unfortunately. But that’s something that we really can’t control and that our child, in the safety of our relationship, can process with us if that happens.
But as I said, the majority of children will see themselves in emotions that might be shared at school. And they will appreciate it and feel closer to this boy for his vulnerability, and feel more validated themselves for their own feelings. So I don’t see any negatives there either.
And just to speak to some of these other examples that I brought up: My child’s a follower, not a leader. They’re imitating other children. They’re taking toys. They’re so focused on one type of toy. These are all examples of the way children learn that will work better when we trust them. A child that’s imitating other children is using a pretty advanced social technique. They’re practicing empathy. What is it like to say those kinds of things in that kind of voice or to do those behaviors? What does it feel like? So we could see that as an advanced psychological experiment rather than that they feel like they have no personality of their own, so they have to be like that child. But again, that’s one that is hard not to judge sometimes as parents, especially if independent thinking and originality are very important to us.
Our fears, they can be about the things that we have doubted in ourselves, and they can also be about things that we’ve decided are really important to us. And it’s so interesting how we’ll get the child that does those things. Maybe it’s because they’re picking up those signals from us and those messages that This is a place I’m not really that comfortable with you going, because I want you to be like this.
I’ve talked a lot in these podcasts about children taking toys and letting toys be taken from them, how those are both actually strengths. The child letting toys be taken from them is interested in the social exchange and not interested in the toys so much. And the one who’s taking toys as an impulse, it tends to be, especially in very young toddlers, like in the first two years, it’s, I’m interested in you and you’re holding this, that makes it interesting to me. And I don’t really know another way to engage with you. So it’s also social behavior and a sign of a child who has social interests and maybe social gifts. I’m not suggesting that we wouldn’t set boundaries, especially if our child is repeatedly taking from another child, but the original intention in these children is usually totally innocent and positive.
Now getting back to, Okay, how do we fix this as parents? How do we change what we feel? How do we lessen our fears and concerns? And that’s the thing: we can’t. And we might believe that, because we’re not saying it, our kids aren’t noticing it, but unfortunately they are, more often than not. The only answer I know of is altering our perspective. And this has been my focus when I’ve been able to have more in-depth consultations with parents. I attempt to help them see differently so they can let go of their fear and their guilt and gain more trust in their children.
And for all of us, it’s easier to get perspective when we practice it, meaning we practice observing, listening, and waiting before reacting. We can begin this habit with our infant. And it really helps us to notice the separation between us and our child, between what we fear and what our child is doing, and see our child in a more objective way. Not a totally objective way, ever. That’s never going to happen with our child, who we’re so tied to, but a more objective way. This practice of observation, just waiting before we react, before we even allow ourselves to form an opinion. Trying to see with that clearer, more innocent lens. Which is the lens our children have, that’s why they’re so perceptive.
Because I’ve worked with so many families, I’m also able to reassure parents that their child’s behavior is typical and temporary, rather than a permanent condition. That a lot of the time it makes perfect sense considering what’s going on in their environment at that time. Perhaps it’s conditional and to be expected because of a change in routine like a new sibling, a schedule change. And often, of course, this means having this mantra of feelings are all good, all of the time, even when the timing is inconvenient. Our kids’ emotions might seem to come out of nowhere, but actually they only come because they’re in there and they need to be released.
And often they come through and are released when we set reasonable behavior boundaries. So remember that our children’s strong disagreement with our limits, that’s a natural, healthy part of the process. It’s actually essential for a relationship-centered discipline approach. That has to be in the dynamic: We set the limit. They get to feel what they feel, and we don’t judge or limit that. Maybe the way they express it, we stop them again, but we allow them to strongly disagree. And I consider accepting these feelings a powerfully positive and often heroic act. Mostly I try to help parents recognize that we have such a powerful influence. With all our foibles, we don’t want to be perfect parents. There’s no such thing, and no child wants that either. They want a human parent. And regardless, we can be a powerful human parent, and that’s better than being a powerful perfect parent. We’re always going to be a powerful parent.
Because we’re so powerful, we can unintentionally fuel or intensify or perpetuate certain behaviors because they’re bringing up our fears. Usually fears about ourselves, places we were criticized. Maybe consider, What were the negative spins that were put on our behavior as kids? If we don’t know, our own kids will help us find out. Maybe they taught us that we were too shy or too bossy or too demanding or too much. All of which comes down only to the way our parents were framing our behavior and maybe their inability to set limits and hear our feelings and allow that just to be a normal process. Like so many of our challenges as parents, this can be a generational issue. But when we take the time to be aware of this, then we can start to see where we might be, even ever so slightly, stifling healthy learning processes by allowing our emotions and our judgments to use up all the oxygen in the room, when kids need a lot of room to breathe. And that comes from our trust.
So my recommendation is to start with embracing the gift of the child you have. Trust their process and encourage them to express whatever they’re feeling, rather than judging or wishing they’d improve.
I hope some of this helps, and I thank you so much for listening. For more about where boundaries fit into these situations, please check out my No Bad Kids Course. It’s been very popular with parents and professionals, and I believe helps us to get a really full picture of what it’s like to perceive children more accurately, where they need our help with their behavior and where they need our trust.
Thanks so much for listening. We can do this.
