Janet addresses messages from parents who are feeling defeated and helpless in the face of their kids’ persistently uncooperative, annoying and, in one case, hurtful behavior. All of these parents admit they are struggling, and that the approaches they’ve tried just don’t seem to be working.
“… I am constantly getting at my child, telling her ‘No, stop that, not so close,’ etc., and after a while I get incredibly frustrated as I just need my personal space.”
“My two year old has taken to saying “hate you!” literally 25 plus times a day.”
“I dread having to go anywhere on my own with [my sons] for fear that I will be overwhelmed by their energy and powerless to keep them in-bounds in a way that feels unruffled.”
Janet recommends an overall shift in these parents’ approach that she believes will give them the confidence they need to help resolve their issues, and can be applied to almost every behavioral challenge parents face.
Transcript of “Resolving Our Kids’ Annoying Behaviors”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
Today I’m going to be talking about a practice that can almost always benefit us as parents. I’m going to read a couple of emails and a message exchange that I had with parents who are frustrated and confused or so irritated by their kids’ behaviors and at this point, they’ve run out of ideas. They don’t know how to respond and are feeling really stuck. I’m going to talk about how stepping back from these behaviors and situations just a bit, to get some perspective, can be the key for helping us to ease the behavior and avoid all that frustration moving forward.
Speaking of perspective, many of us are in a horrible situation that I’m sure you’ve heard about, this unimaginable devastation that’s happening here in Los Angeles, Los Angeles County, where I’ve lived since I was one year old. There’s wind still howling out there as I’m recording. If you have lost your home, my heart goes out to you, and please know that you are not alone. For many of us long-time residents, this isn’t the first time we’ve been in this harrowing situation. Personally, we came very close to losing our home when our neighborhood was demolished by fire in 2018. Back then, my husband somehow managed to save our house and escape injury himself, and it was kind of a miracle, but we were surrounded by tragic losses. And it’s been inspiring and heartening to see how, in these past years, our community has rebuilt itself and our friends have weathered these losses and reclaimed their lives. Anyway, we’re blessed to be safe for the moment, but devastated for those scores of people we know, and the tens of thousands that we don’t, who are suffering right now.
For those wondering what to say to your children, there are many good resources out there that advisors have shared, including from people like Fred Rogers, the late Fred Rogers. But in short, I recommend that we focus on listening. Just listening to what our kids are expressing, and then responding honestly to whatever questions and concerns they might have. And also listening to what they’re expressing through their behavior, those signs of discomfort, and trying to perceive and address those behaviors as discomfort. Trust your instincts, you know your child better than anyone. And most of all, do what you need to do to take care of you, because you’re the person that matters most to your children.
The situation also made me think of a sentiment that I hear a lot lately, especially from younger people who haven’t started families yet. Some are thinking that they won’t, because why would you bring a child into this world? I totally understand that feeling when there’s so much wrong with our world and in many ways life seems to be getting harder than ever. I just want to offer a perspective from somebody who’s probably a lot older than most of you listening. It’s a perspective I didn’t really come to until recently, very recently, like in the last couple of years, but has sort of snuck up on me and is now deep in my soul. It’s that life truly is a gift. We’ve all heard this said many times and I’ve acknowledged it intellectually, but I didn’t really feel it until I got old enough to realize I don’t have that much longer to be here and I’m going to miss so many things when that time comes. I’m not trying to be morose, but life is a gift that we can give a person, a child. And that child is a gift to the people that they love and those that love them. So I’m holding onto the belief that it’s all worth it.
Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there, that I’m feeling more and more how precious life is and how special it is, even with all its lows and its highs.
Now, finally, to the subject. How do we know that we might benefit from stepping back to gain perspective on an issue that we’re having with our children? One hint is that the situation keeps happening. Regardless of the responses that we’ve tried, our child keeps doing it. That’s often a sign that it would help us greatly to distance ourselves from the fray mentally and emotionally and consider what’s happening here.
One important thing to keep in mind also is that the transition from infant to toddler, and then through the toddler years all the way to maybe age six or seven, this is the hardest time for us as parents. But it does pass. So know that whatever issues you’re having now, they’re not going to last, no matter what you do.
And here’s why we help ourselves with perspective: Kids are always so tuned in to our feelings, especially our feelings and responses toward them, anything to do with them. So believing in ourselves, just deciding that we can do this job, believing in ourselves that way, not letting their immature behaviors throw us off too much. That kind of attitude changes everything. We’re calmer because we’re confident, and they’re calmer because we’re calmer. That alone will make a big difference in helping to ease most behaviors.
Here are the notes that I mentioned that I received. The first one is a back and forth that I had in messages. This person wrote as a subject line, “Extreme Physical Space Invasion”:
Dear Janet,
I have a question about my three-year-old daughter. She’s an incredibly bright, sweet, and connecting child. My challenge with her is that whenever things are even marginally off-balance, perhaps she’s tired, has cabin fever, is a bit sick, she seeks almost constant interaction with me by physically invading my space.
It will begin first thing in the early morning with pulling, sucking, and messing with my hair. (I share a bed with her out of necessity at the moment.) It then progresses to pushing her legs and feet into me. I get out of bed and she will then follow me around the house, walking right under my feet, climbing on top of me, sitting on me, really doing just about anything and everything to be physically on top of me and in my space. This also extends to our six-month-old baby with whom she’s very affectionate and doting, but always too close, hugging the baby tightly around the face, climbing over the top of her to cuddle her, etc. My toddler doesn’t generally seem particularly emotional when doing this and is otherwise a pretty happy disposition.
I try to stop her at first verbally, but this has zero effect and I end up repeating myself endlessly, which doesn’t feel useful. I also put up a hand and try to block her from going over to the baby or climbing on me, etc. She ignores it all and persists. I feel that the only options I have would be to lock her in her room with the door firmly closed, which feels overly punitive and harsh, or to remove myself physically, which means getting up and walking away, often carrying my baby with me. Although this somewhat works in the moment, it means that I’m constantly being moved away from the places I want to be and the things I want/need to be doing. I can’t even sit down and have a cup of tea without having her all over me.
I really struggle with this dynamic, as I feel I’m constantly getting at my child, telling her, No, Stop that, Not so close, etc. And after a while, I get incredibly frustrated as I just need my personal space. I’ve often thought it would be ideal to be able to place her into a space like a cot, even just for a while. But unfortunately, she’s of an age where she would easily just climb out. So there’s not really a space like that in which I could contain her other than shutting her in her bedroom.
I would be so grateful for any other ideas on how to handle this. I’ve listened to your episode on teaching kids about personal space, but I feel this goes beyond daily normal toddler interactions. And because it is so physical and she totally ignores my attempts to protect my space, I’m left at a bit of a loss. I know that there’s something underlying that is driving this behavior, but I’m really struggling to find a good way to draw boundaries with her that actually work in a practical sense and don’t feel punitive.
Thank you.
I wrote back:
Hi- I believe that what she’s looking for here is for you to be confident about blocking her, pushing her down from climbing on you, being fully comfortable with stopping her effectively from doing these silly things as you carry on. Not letting a three-year-old have this power over you and the baby. It sounds like you’re feeling a bit tentative about calmly taking control, being firm and sure of yourself, but not rough or harsh.
She wrote back:
Thanks so much for your response, Janet. What you’re saying makes complete sense. And having listened to many of your podcasts, I really feel this is exactly what I’ve been doing to the best of my ability. I confidently and firmly tell her no, move her away with my hand. The first time is firm, the second time is quite stern, but still calm, not emotional, and really I do my best to physically move her off me.
But if, for example, I’m sitting feeding the baby and she’s climbing over me, I can’t actually do much to physically move her away. If she chooses to ignore me, which she does, a three-year-old’s body is quite big, and she simply barrels right through my one-armed attempt to move her off. The only way I would be able to physically stop her is by really pushing her away with strong force, which I think would actually hurt her and be crossing a line in terms of using force against her, as opposed to just blocking her and moving her away firmly.
Often it’s when I’m in the middle of doing something or carrying something or otherwise don’t have both hands or arms available to move her away, so I actually can’t physically stop her. Which is why I’ve resorted to moving away from her, but that doesn’t feel right either. She’s literally pushing me around. It’s very tricky.
I wrote back—but wait, before I read that, I just need to say that I’m always very humbled by this idea of trying to help parents via quick messages on, I think this was Facebook. What I think I need to do is just cut to the chase because I don’t have a lot of time, I know that they want an easy answer. So if what I’m saying to this parent sounds blunt or incomplete, it certainly is. It’s blunt and incomplete. Ideally, I would love to always be able to see it with my own eyes, see what’s going on and what that dynamic is really looking like, so I have the best chance of helping a parent, but of course that’s not always possible.
So here’s what I said:
Make even less of this. Don’t say no with confidence as if she’s a rival. Being stern and forceful and needing to move away seems too defensive. She’s not on par with you, she’s a baby. And you don’t need to say “no” at all at this point. Just rise above this even taller. So you’re like, “Nope, not letting you do that, no thanks.” She’s a tiny child, even if she’s big for her age, and she needs to feel like one with you. She’s unthreatening and it’s scary for her when you’re struggling so much to handle her, taking her so seriously. And that’s why she’s getting stuck doing this behavior, I think.
It’s going to be messy, not perfect, but she needs you to exude actual confidence. Not a strong tone, but an unruffled one, which is very different. Take a step back and look at the situation, where there’s an adult being terrorized by a three-year-old [and I put a smile in my note there]. It’s gotten out of control, but you can shift the story when you really feel unthreatened. If she gets a push or two in, it doesn’t matter. Just keep doing your thing as best you can with a matter-of-fact tone.
And she wrote:
Thank you, that makes total sense, and I do hear you completely. I feel like this is where I start always, because there’s plenty of times when she’s not this pushy and my normal unruffled manner of handling a slight overstep into my space is more than adequate. So that is how I start out. But then during these phases, she ignores that. So for the first few times it stays in that unruffled place, then it becomes more firm and then stern. And then yes, I do get ruffled and annoyed. Anyway, I take your point, so we’ll try to approach it again fresh from this point of view. Thank you so much.
And I wrote back again:
When she escalates like that, do you ever stop and just ask, almost with a smile, “What’s going on here, my love? Are we in a crazy factory? You know you can’t do this stuff,” with that same unruffled attitude? Also, I think it might help if you don’t even bother saying no to the really obvious no things she does right from the beginning, just “uh-uh” or something less and you block her.
She said:
Yes. I think this whole direction will be the way to unlock it, and importantly, doing whatever I need to do to remain genuinely unfazed. Which might also sometimes include getting up and moving away as soon as she begins this behavior. And then as much as possible, responding with the energy you were describing and not letting it ruffle me. I also totally agree about not saying no to actually most of it because she does completely know, she’s sharp as a tack and misses absolutely nothing. So she knows anyway, and repeating myself to no effect adds to the struggle and dynamic in an unhelpful way, I think. Thank you.
So that’s where we left it. I did ask her to please check back with me and let me know how it’s going.
But yes, this thing that this parent describes, that most of us want to do, repeating ourselves because she didn’t get it the first time or the second or the third, so I’m going to say it again and again, that can actually end up feeding the behavior. Because it’s asking our child to do something that they’re already showing us they’re unwilling or unable to do in that moment. And so repeating ourselves does not help, except to raise our stress levels. I actually have a podcast about that called “Repeating Yourself Won’t Help.”
What kids need, again, is for us to step back to see, This is my child making me move around the house. What’s wrong with this picture? She’s three years old. I’m an adult. Even if we’re severely physically limited in our ability to block our child entirely for whatever reason, the most important thing we can do is to believe in ourselves as the leader. Even if that means our child gets on us a little bit. Fine, we move her off as soon as we can. We just tell her, “Eh, we’re not going to do that” or “Not right now,” but we have that attitude where we’re not going to let ourselves get victimized. I know it’s hard, but that’s the key. And it comes from taking that step back to take a look at what’s really going on here. Who’s the leader here? If we can’t with great confidence say, I am, then it’s time to consider our perspective.
And by the way, the six-month-old baby, that’s probably the source of this child’s need to find boundaries and maybe express feelings around that. She can love the baby, but there’s still this amped-up energy that children get, this excitable energy, that’s from discomfort. It’s like, I don’t know where I fit here anymore. This doesn’t feel right, and I need to make sure my parents are on my side and that I’m not bigger than they are in this situation. Because that would be too scary. So blocking her from us, blocking her from the baby, but not expecting it to be perfect. Mostly, staying in that leadership role.
Okay, here’s another note from a parent:
Hi, Janet-
I’ve got two boys, six and four-and-a-half. They’re great buddies, with occasional territorial disputes. The problem I’m having is that my younger son will do anything to make his big brother laugh. Sometimes these things are dangerous, but more often they’re annoying or disruptive.
Some examples: My younger son might pull his pants down on the playground; that gets a huge laugh from his big brother. Or when we’re eating, the younger one does increasingly absurd things, I think partly to avoid eating himself, but that make his brother laugh, and then the older one is not eating. Finally, when we’re trying to get out of the door, they egg each other on, wrestling and deliberately tuning my partner and I out, until we can successfully pull them apart and separate them, so I can get one dressed while my partner takes the other.
Sometimes I can break through to my six-year-old and enlist his help with his brother, but often, especially in transitions, he chooses to clown with his brother and tune us out. It’s exhausting. And thankfully there are two of us. I dread having to go anywhere on my own with them for fear that I’ll be overwhelmed by their energy and powerless to keep them in bounds in a way that feels unruffled.
Thank you so much for all of your guidance. It has been invaluable to our family.
Yeah, so it sounds like this is not stopping and it’s escalating. What I’m imagining here, I don’t know this for sure, but my guess is that the reason it’s happening is because the parents are thrown off-balance. They’re annoyed with the funny stuff that their child is doing to get his brother’s attention. They’re rattled by it right away at this point. They may even be dreading it before it starts, going in with that energy.
But if they were more like, “Haha, very, very funny, very funny,” not making a big deal out of this. “Come on, we got to go.” A lighter attitude, shrugging their shoulders almost. I don’t want to just say lighten up, but that’s what happens for us when we can step back and get perspective on these two little boys being wacky with each other, being silly. And if we could just sort of laugh along or nod our head, “Hmm, that’s very funny. Okay, tell me when you’re ready and we’ll go” or, “Alright, let’s go, Mr. Funny. We’re going to get in the car anyway.”
What I’m picturing is the parents getting sucked into how hard this is instead of, Okay, we may not get to this place on time. Oh well, whatever. Letting it go a little more because we see the bigger picture. Which is that these guys are just messing around and this won’t be nearly as interesting to them if they’re not ticking us off as parents. That’s where it gathers steam, that’s where it becomes a thing. They’re laughing and acting silly, but underneath that, there can be an uneasy sense of, Wow, my parents are really thrown by this. Not only are they not laughing, but they’re mad at us for doing this. And that makes us keep getting sucked in somehow.
I know that’s not going to be a perfect solution, and you’re going to say, Well, how do I actually move them and get this done? Unfortunately, again, that’s something that’s really hard for me to explain in words. I could show you. But what I can explain is this idea, this concept of stepping back and looking at, What am I getting so bothered by? It’s this ridiculous, silly, immature stuff that’s going on between these kids, that we could see very positively as their bonding. I’m letting myself get mad and frustrated about that.
There is room for us to make a choice here. We can choose to rise above it and see how silly and ridiculous it is, not taking it so seriously.
I hope that’s a helpful answer. I know it’s not the whole answer. Again, just as my response to the first parent isn’t the whole answer in detail, but in both cases, in most cases, this is a much bigger part of the issue than we might’ve imagined.
And by the way, just on a practical level, if this parent doesn’t want to take her kids somewhere on her own, she can say that upfront. Especially if it’s something that she’s doing for their enjoyment, it’s reasonable to say, “I can’t really take you there if you guys are going to be kooky and not cooperate. It just takes too long. So can you pull it together, do you think, or not?” And maybe there is an option to not go sometimes. And that’s okay, that’s a fine logical consequence that they’ll understand. When you do have to go, just say, “Come on guys. Yes, you’re very, very, very funny, but can you give me a hand here?” Or, “Silly, silly, silly.” Just rising above it like that, it really will diffuse a lot of what’s going on.
Okay, one more:
Hey, Janet-
My two-year-old (26 months) has taken to saying “I hate you” literally 25-plus times a day. I’m not sure where he got it from. My four-year-old has said he hates objects before, but never people. I’ve tried telling him that the word “hurts mama’s heart” or, “We use sweet words. You can say, ‘don’t like it,’ ‘mad at you,’ or ‘I’m angry.'”
We’ve never popped or spanked our kids. I don’t believe it is effective, and I believe it is hurtful to our relationship. But recently my husband has started to pop his bottom. It hasn’t helped at all. It really may have gotten a little worse since then, too.
No recent changes in his routine or anything. He’s an incredibly verbal and expressive, passionate little guy. Thanks so much for any advice.
Okay, so once again, stepping back, taking a look at this. Here’s a two-year-old that’s heard these words and maybe tried it out once and felt the power in that, upsetting his parents. And then he heard his mother say, You can’t do this. You can’t say this. Obviously we don’t have control physically over what a child says, and it’s doubtful he even knows what this word means. And if he’s heard his brother say it, that’s going to be something he wants to try out.
So I would try to step back and look at all the power we’re giving to words, and, more importantly, the power we’re giving to trying to control the words that come out of our child’s mouth. Because actually the more we try to control that and have this rigid attitude about it, taking it so seriously and personally, the harder it is for our child to get unstuck in doing this. And now he’s getting the physical punishment as well. So this has gotten, in my opinion, a little out of hand in the importance that we’ve attached to it.
What we see from a two-year-old’s perspective, especially one with a big brother that he probably idolizes, they are going to imitate things that they hear. And then if they sense that a particular word has power with their parents, they have to check that out. A passionate guy like this has to do that. Are you guys really on top of this in a comfortable way, or is everything I do so big and serious, everything that comes out of me? Children don’t feel comfortable when at two years old or four years old or six years old, what they’re doing is so big and serious and heavy for us.
So take that step back. Look at what you’re reacting to here. It’s this tiny exploration that a tiny child is doing. And instead of giving it all this power, It hurts me or I can’t let you say that, maybe just say, “Uh-huh, did you hear your brother say that?” or, “Sounds like you really are mad,” not even mentioning the word. But now at this point, since there’s water under the bridge, I might say, “Yeah, you know, we’ve really gotten wound up about that word, those words you’re using. And you know what? It’s just words.” So go ahead, keep saying it. And then following through with that attitude.
If our attitude is that we really don’t care about words at this point, kind of turning it around that way, all the way, and being more accepting of it. What happens when we don’t give the words a child says power? When we don’t give the silly, annoying stuff that our two sons are doing together power? And when we don’t give our little child trying to climb all over us and invade our space every minute power? It goes away. The behavior goes away. It’s just not something our child has to explore unconsciously anymore. They get the answer they need. Oh, I’m just a little person and this isn’t a big deal to my parent. They don’t love it, but they’re bigger than that. That’s what they need.
So whatever issue you’re going through with your child, consider taking a step back, taking a look at yourself and especially the power difference between you and your child, the stark difference in maturity level, and who you want to be to your child and who you can be to your child. All of us can do this. There’s nobody that can’t. Yes, we get triggered, each of us, by certain behaviors because of our own childhoods and other reasons. It’s challenging for sure, but it’s possible for all of us as something to practice, a direction to go in. Not something we’re supposed to snap our fingers and be able to do right away. Just a direction to consider. This is how I want to be.
And when we own this leadership role, and to that extent, we do feel a lot better. We do realize we have so much power and we’re giving it up to our child. We don’t need to. We feel so much more confident then. So believe in yourself. See your child for who they are at this age, no matter how articulate and passionate and adult they can seem, how mature they can seem sometimes, and bright and wonderful. Those children especially need to know that the leadership is there for them, through everything. That they can explore through every odd thing that they go through, that we can still find that leader in ourselves for them.
I hope some of that helps. And please be safe out there and take good care of yourself. I’m so sorry for what people are going through. I’m praying for all of us.
We can do this.
♥
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