What do we do if we know our kids can practice a new skill, and yet they don’t or won’t? Three families reach out to Janet with concerns about their children’s developmental progress. In one case, a 12-month-old doesn’t seem interested in crawling, and the parent has been advised to try to make this happen. A second parent expresses her dismay (“I don’t know how to undo what I’ve done!”) that her 3-year-old will no longer draw. The child’s refusal began when the parent innocently followed her child’s request to draw pictures for her. A third parent says that her 3.5-year-old has been ready to use the potty since she was 2 but is “absolutely set on being in diapers forever.” Just as with the other two parents, this mom is trying to trust her daughter’s process, but her doubts keep seeping in, and she wonders if there’s some action she should be taking.
Transcript of “When Kids Don’t Seem Motivated (to Potty, Crawl, or Create)”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
Today I’m going to do something I don’t feel like I’ve been doing that much lately and I’m looking forward to it. It’s getting into helping with some of the specifics that parents share with me. And the questions I’m going to be responding to are about topics that are disparate: One is about the development of a baby’s motor skills, for a 12-month-old who isn’t crawling yet. The second one is about a child who’s refusing to draw, who wants her parent to draw for her and has stopped doing it at all herself, and the parent wants to help her get over that hump. And the third is about a child who’s three and isn’t using the potty yet.
In all of these cases, there are some common themes, though, and one of them is motivation. All of these parents reaching out are concerned that their child doesn’t seem to be motivated to do that skill or take that developmental step. They don’t feel it’s about ability so much as motivation. Another common theme in these notes is that these parents are all concerned that they’ve gotten on the wrong track and they don’t know how to switch tracks.
The way I’m going to respond to all of these is to share how it really is not that hard to make these changes. It’s about the way that we’re seeing our child in that skill development and the way we’re seeing what they need from us and how, when we change that, it’s not as daunting as it might seem. The remedies in these situations that I’d like to offer are all about three things, and these are things that will help us to make any kind of change when we feel we’re on the wrong track.
Number one: trust. Having genuine trust in our child’s natural abilities and motivation, their inner direction. And that also means giving them plenty of opportunities to practice those abilities. Number two: reasonable boundaries. Often that’s what’s getting in our way, or at least part of what’s getting in our way, when our child seems stuck. And number three, the thing I talk about in almost every podcast episode: welcoming those feelings, those uncomfortable feelings that can be so hard for us as parents to hear and not feel responsible to fix. If we can just let those be expressed and trust that that’s part of any transition they’re going through, that’s what clears the way for these changes to happen.
Here’s the first question, and this came in the comments section of my website to a post that I wrote several years ago called Restoring Mobility Helps Baby Learn to Sit. It’s about how a baby wasn’t learning to sit and this parent was saying all of her friends’ babies were sitting already. And what was getting in the way, from my experience working with lots of children and also the RIE approach that I teach, was that the baby was stuck in sitting. So that’s what happens a lot of the time when we place a baby in a seated position on the floor or whatever while they’re playing, when they’re not able to actually move into that position all by themselves from the floor, which babies will naturally do. That’s a gross motor developmental step that babies take. When they don’t have that experience and they’re being placed in that, then they are kind of frozen in sitting. The only way they can get out of it is to kind of fall down.
But when we allow a baby free mobility as early as possible and let them have enough time in their day where they’re not cooped up, where they’re able to move all their limbs and their trunk, which begins in a supine position, that’s the position that babies can be the most mobile when they’re very young. And with that position, babies will naturally take all the steps they need towards walking without skipping any of them. It’s very uncommon for a baby to skip a step when their development is allowed to progress naturally without assistance or too much restriction. Obviously, there are times when babies will be restricted in a car seat, in a stroller, in a carrier, but ideally we will also give them time to spend mobile. And then they’re very fluid, when they get into sitting they’re able to get right down out of it and then start to crawl. Actually, they’ll usually crawl before they sit, a lot of the time.
This commenter wrote:
Hi, Janet-
What are your thoughts on a 12-month-old who hasn’t started crawling yet? I did put her in Bumbo seats before she sat up on her own because she struggled with reflux. She started sitting independently at seven months and loves sitting by herself playing with toys. At around 10 months she started scooting around her yes space on her bum. She’s never liked tummy time, so I tend to babywear her a lot instead. When I do put her on her tummy, she struggles and grunts until she rolls over. She just prefers being seated and doesn’t seem interested in learning how to crawl, and since I’m busy with an active toddler as well, I don’t try to push it.
Now that she’s a year old, her pediatrician wants her to go to physical therapy. After feeling her muscles, he doesn’t think there’s a significant physical reason for this delay, but thinks she just lacks motivation, so he wants me to start making her learn to crawl.
Since I’m following your RIE approach to potty learning with my toddler, this make-it-happen approach to crawling doesn’t feel right to me, but I fear I am doing something to interfere with her development and I don’t know what I should do. Is there some way I can respectfully help her learn to crawl, or just trust she’ll learn on her own eventually? I’d love to hear if you have any thoughts on our situation.
Many thanks!
I did comment back to this person:
Thanks for reaching out. When you say “sitting independently,” does that mean she achieves this position from the floor all by herself? If you are placing her in that position, she is not experiencing all the steps in between that and lying supine on the floor. Those steps are hugely important because they are also the steps she needs to be able to crawl and will encourage her to develop with autonomy as she moves from crawling to standing to walking, etc.
I didn’t hear back from this parent to my response, but I feel pretty certain that when she says a seven-month-old is sitting independently, that she’s not defining independently the same way that I would, which is being able to get into the position independently. Because seven months would be on the early side for a baby to be able to do that. It does happen, but not very often. And it usually happens almost at the same time or after a baby is crawling.
She started with the Bumbo because the baby had reflux, and that’s the reason a lot of people sit babies up. What I would recommend—and everybody’s got to take this advice with their own grains of salt and do what they feel is best—what I recommend is allowing the baby to settle in your arms, settle the food, and then placing them down once they seem to have settled after eating. And if this isn’t working, then just do it for a short period. Give a baby a break, hold them in your arms, stay sitting on the floor and try again. Because even a baby with reflux can have some time free to move on the floor.
And I know this is controversial for some people, but a supine position is where they can move their arms, move their legs. When they’re placed on their tummy they are, in the very early months, quite stuck in that position. They’re not able to move their limbs, it’s difficult to lift their head without straining their neck, and it’s not a confidence-building position for them to be in. A lot of babies will be quite unhappy in that position because they do feel stuck. So the goal with the perspective I’m sharing is to allow babies to develop the musculature that they need and the confidence they need, building on their natural motivation to develop skills themselves, the way other animals in the animal kingdom do. Nobody’s trying to help them move a certain way or do a certain physical skill. The perspective I teach is that humans can do this too, if we give them the opportunities. And so every moment that she’s sitting up, and if the parent’s sitting her up on the floor, that’s not giving her the opportunity.
She’s scooting around on her bum and that shows she is motivated to move, she’s quite motivated to move. At around 10 months she started doing this, and that’s the way babies accommodate the fact that they are kind of stuck in sitting and they still want to move. So they’ll move that way on their bum. And then eventually from there they’ll learn to stand and walk. Sometimes what can happen is that the leg that’s underneath them when they’re scooting on their bum becomes a weaker leg when they’re standing up. So it’s just not the ideal that we can give children.
As far as the pediatrician wanting the mother to make her learn to crawl, I don’t know how that’s even possible, to make a baby crawl or to teach them to crawl. I’m obviously not going to argue with what the pediatrician says, but the perspective I have is quite different: That children are all naturally motivated. There’s no reason that they wouldn’t be. Their motor skills are inner-directed, and I would love to encourage this parent, she nails it when she says, “Just trust she’ll learn on her own eventually.” I would trust she’s going to learn on her own.
However, I would take away these things that are getting in her way, which is sitting her up, unfortunately. Even though she likes it, she’s gotten used to it. Young children love what they’re used to, they want to keep doing that. But this is what’s getting in her way, in my opinion. And if she could just be placed on her back and allowed to develop from there, I can almost guarantee she will find her way to crawling. And probably pretty quickly, when she has a lot of opportunity during the day to be free to move.
But the other thing, talking about allowing feelings, is that she may seem unhappy. I want you to sit me up! Not that she’s saying those words, but she’s not used to doing something other than sitting up with her toys. So she may need just small periods of time where she’s on her back with your support, then picking her up, giving her breaks. Again, staying on the floor there with her so you’re not picking her all the way up out of the situation, but just on your lap and, “Yeah, you’re used to when I sit you up, right? This is different.” But we’ve got to believe, we’ve got to have that conviction to be able to make a change. So that’s what I recommend. Regardless, this child will end up walking and be fine, I’m sure. It’s not a big deal. But this can have emotional as well as physical benefits.
Okay, the next one is also a comment on my website, on a post called Why Not Draw For a Child? This is what the parent writes:
Hi, Janet-
I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. My 20-month-old, a little more than a couple of weeks ago, loved doodling on paper. Then one day she asked me to draw her dad, so I did, without thinking about the consequences. Now she won’t draw and wants me to draw things for her. I’ve finally wised up to what I had done, and I’ve been making efforts to encourage her to draw, and she will become frustrated with herself for trying and mad at me for not drawing pictures for her. I don’t know how to undo what I’ve done. I wish I’d found this article beforehand. I look at videos of her just enjoying her drawings, and I’m so saddened by my innocent mistake. Please help.
Okay, so the first thing I want to comment on is just that we’re so hard on ourselves as parents. And looking back on myself, I remember how everything seemed like such a big deal. That was a long time ago for me, my oldest turned 32. None of it’s a big deal. This is not the biggest mistake of this parent’s life, I can guarantee her. And it’s easy to change, if we’re committed to then trust, have reasonable boundaries, and allow for the feelings.
I wrote back:
No worries, you can always dial this back by no longer drawing for her. And then most importantly, and I know it’s challenging, honoring her right to be mad about that. She needs to pass through that in her own time and she’ll go back to creating her own way again.
And that’s what I recommend, that this parent just says a kind “I’m not going to draw for you. You’re welcome to draw.” I probably wouldn’t make efforts to encourage her to draw because what children feel there is our agenda and that we’re uncomfortable, and that will always tend to get in the way with young children. When they feel us uncomfortable, it doesn’t encourage them.
So instead of encouraging her to draw, just allow for opportunities, trust whether she chooses to draw or not. But when she asks you, just give a kind “You want me to do that? Yes, I did that.” Always be honest about what we’ve done. Be straightforward about that. There’s nothing to hide here. We don’t have to pretend anything, we get to be honest. “And I’m just not going to do that anymore. You can be mad at me about that.” If you’re committed to that, if you trust her, allow her to have the feelings, know that this is not an overwhelming problem at all, but easily adjusted, then it will happen really fast.
Okay, here’s the last one. This one’s a little more complicated. This was an email to me:
Hi, Janet-
I know you’ve made numerous episodes about potty issues and I’ve listened to all of them, but I’m still stuck. My three-and-a-half-year-old is absolutely set on being in diapers “forever.” She will not so much as get near a potty and don’t even think about talking about it. She’s been physically, cognitively, and verbally ready for about one-and-a-half years now. If she woke up one morning and decided to do it, she’d teach herself in a day. We’ve completely backed off for a long time now. No pressure at all, and a genuine attitude of I don’t care, you do you. If you need me, I’m here.
However, I’m honestly doubtful that, left to her own devices, she will ever get to the point of feeling ready. I’m struggling to reconcile the let-her-lead approach with the concept of not enabling avoidance that doesn’t serve her, leading to feeding her fear cycle. She’s a very fearful and avoidant kid, and every single day in other contexts, we have to be her wise guide, as she says she’s scared of and doesn’t want to do things, and we acknowledge and allow the emotion and we go anyway and she loves it. Left to her own devices, she does not approach things. We very kindly and openly do not let her feelings take the wheel and, as a result, she engages with the world. So this is why it feels really wrong to be unable to have her out of pull-ups. It’s so out-of-sync with the highly skilled and capable kid that she is, and it feels like enabling a phobia.
By the way, she’s typically developing though highly sensitive and strong-willed, demand-avoidant. No siblings existing or planned, no moves, changes in childcare or transitions of any kind, stable household, etc.
Thank you.
I wrote back: “Can you tell me the whole story of what letting her lead has looked like up until now?”
And she wrote:
When she turned two, we noticed signs of what we thought at the time was readiness and a good time to give potty training a try: absolutely hating diaper changes, body awareness, and telling us when she had to go and after she went, had various potty books that she liked to read, and she would role-play with stuffed animals and talk about it positively. And we tried the full-on—and here she mentions a popular book and potty training method that I’m not going to repeat here—I know now it’s the worst, would never recommend it again. But she absolutely would have no part in it, was very distressed and physically resisting, etc. So we tried for a number of days to work through the fear, but then gave up. We decided to let go of all the pressure and return at a later time, waiting until she was ready. We debriefed her experience, essentially, “You didn’t feel ready. That’s okay,” but otherwise didn’t bring it up.
Eventually, when it had been a while, I started to very low pressure mention it again as an option. Like, “Here’s your little potty next to mine. I’m going to pee now and if you want, there’s your potty” type of thing. Throughout the next year it definitely came up, just because it does. Also, she’s a Velcro kid and she almost always follows me into the bathroom, which I’m totally fine with. So throughout the next year, we would sometimes talk about it directly, like if she would bring up other kids she knows using the potty or she initiates her own independent role-playing potty with her stuffed animals quite often, etc. But we never said she has to or should or anything like that.
We did try many times to understand what she’s scared of and doesn’t like about it, but she can’t articulate it. I think she genuinely doesn’t know. At first, because of that dang book, we probably initially weren’t, but later we did really come to a place of a fully accepting attitude toward her readiness and leaving it up to her. And I swear we have really, truly conveyed that for over a year.
But then after a year, no budging of interest on her part, she turned three, and doubt started to creep up again, wondering if it was really right that we should wait for her to tell us she’s ready. This is never going to happen. Our pediatrician and a child therapist said we should try again, with the rationale that she’s three now and to just tell her, This is what we’re doing now, and we know she can do it. So we did that. We told her it was time for underwear and she willingly picked out a potty and underwear and put it on herself and everything. I was super surprised. But then as soon as the first sensations of having to pee started, she started to get super anxious and hide and freak out and say she didn’t want to use the potty. I was supportive of her anxiety, showed her where the potty was, but did no physical bringing her there or even telling her she needed to. But she refused and went in her pants. This went on for two days and this time we didn’t care, but we were just really afraid if we dropped it, we would be telling her she isn’t capable and can’t accomplish something new. But we had to because the physical withholding and fear was just being exasperated. So we told her, nevermind, back to pull-ups. Told her we know she could do it if she wanted to, but that we see she isn’t doing it. You do it when you’re ready.
It’s been six months since then. Same thing. Dropped it, but it still comes up because it’s all around us, especially now that all her same-age friends are potty trained. And she still initiates play around it, I find stuffed animals on my toilet every day. I will occasionally say things like, Whenever you’re ready, we can figure out how to make this fun, not scary, etc. type thing, or try to casually talk to her about how she feels about it. But still hit a wall, and so I back off. So anytime the topic comes up naturally, she makes a point of saying she’s never using the potty.
I guess I should mention my husband. He’s basically been on board with all this along the way, so we’ve been aligned. I am the initiator of parenting problem-solving, and if anything, he conveys less pressure and interest in the whole potty thing because he’s not the anxious overthinker that I am. He thinks It’ll be fine! about everything. [She puts a smiley face.] She doesn’t seem to have a different response to him about this in any way, though.
Thanks so much for listening.
This was a tricky one, right? And I would love to help this parent. There’s not necessarily one simple answer here, though, but I can offer perspective and some thoughts as to her child’s point of view on this. So it would seem like, speaking of motivation, that this little girl isn’t motivated to go on the potty. But as I’ve said, I believe that all children are motivated to develop and to move forward. So here are some of the things I would look at.
For one, when she says “my three-and-a-half-year-old is absolutely set on being in diapers ‘forever,’” the girl is saying that, and “she will not so much as get near a potty and don’t even think about talking about it.” She’s showing signs of big resistance. Children don’t say things like, “I’m going to be in diapers forever” unless they’re pushing back on an agenda that they feel from the parent. Now, this parent’s being so careful not to impose her agenda, to be sensitive, to be trusting. This little girl—like all children, but maybe more so because this is a more sensitive child—they’re reading their parent’s thoughts all the time. And one thing that gets children caught up is when there’s some kind of mixed messaging.
So I want to talk a little about that because I think that’s one of the main things going on here is this girl is getting all these mixed messages. They want me to, now they’re trusting me, but I remember that they still wanted me to. And it’s really hard to kind of erase that without going super far in the opposite direction, where we’re not just trying to trust, but we really feel certain in our hearts that our child is not going to be going to college in diapers. That they really, really have what it takes. And in this case, this parent sees how confident she is, but what gets in the way? The anxiety, the fear. And a lot of that—not all of it, she’s a sensitive girl—but a lot of that comes from the mixed messaging. Because when we’re feeling mixed, it’s very uncomfortable for our children. It’s like they have nothing to hold onto. What is it? Does my parent want me to go on the potty or are they really waiting for me to do it?
The main advice I have for this parent is to make a clear choice one way or the other. My recommendation would be to go the full-on trust direction. And really full-on, because the fact that this little girl has friends that are going on the potty now, it’s not going to be hard for her to do that. But we have to take ourselves out of the picture, I believe. So that’s the direction I would go. But even if she’s going to try to make this happen, to be really clear in herself. To be through and through with what she’s deciding, and know she’s being a great parent in her choice either way. That I believe is getting in the way, the mixed messaging.
And the parent, as she admits at the end, having her own anxiety. So when her child is anxious, it makes her feel anxious, probably. I mean, it makes all of us feel anxious when our kids are anxious or upset or scared. But that is filtering in here. And she says, “I’m honestly doubtful that, left to her own devices, she will ever get to the point of feeling ready.” But why not? There’s no flaw in this girl. This girl has what it takes to develop this, and every developmentally appropriate skill, in her time. So these doubts, where are they coming from? Are they doubts in ourselves or are they really doubts in our child? Often it comes from doubts in ourselves. So trust is really a big, key point here.
She says, “She’s a very fearful and avoidant kid, and every single day in other contexts, we have to be her wise guide,” as she said she’s scared of and doesn’t want to do things. So they’re handling this part very well. They’re not accommodating her fears. They acknowledge, they allow the emotion, and they go anyway. The big difference in the way that we want to handle going on the potty is that we can’t make a boundary. We can’t force a child to do that, just as we can’t force a child to crawl or to draw. So navigating this has to be more subtle and delicate.
This parent says she had a fully accepting attitude toward her readiness after the approach from the book didn’t work and leaving it up to her. She says, “I swear we have really, truly conveyed that.” Well, conveying that is great. More important even is that she feels it, and then she doesn’t have to try to convey it. But it’s really through and through, she’s actually feeling it. And maybe she was, but it seems like it’s kind of dependent on a certain timeline when she’s trusting. And I would encourage her to really believe in her child all the way, if possible. And I know that’s hard. The fact that she says the girl is playing it out with the animals and all that, it’s a brilliant sign. That’s her working through her anxieties or her reticence or her fears, whatever that is, that’s the most brilliant thing she could do. So I recommend trusting that instead of seeing it as a sign that this parent now has to pick up on.
Her daughter doesn’t need any more reminders, in my opinion, that the parent’s going to try to help and make it happen. I would quit the reminders. I would really trust. I would enjoy seeing her process as she plays with the stuffed animals. Her friends are doing it. She’s got a process that she’s motivated in. Trust that process. She’s showing you that she’s on her way, in her time. So really I would let her have this. Because this parents says, “Anytime the topic comes up naturally, she makes a point of saying she’s never using the potty.” So even when it comes up naturally, let it sit with her. Let her be the one to say more about it. Try to not take the bait to pick up on it. Just let it lie where it is. She will come to this. Her friends will help her, and her natural ability will help her.
But okay, there’s one other thing that I feel like is key that I wanted to speak to here. So the parent went through where she was trusting, and then she said she “started to very low pressure mention it again as an option.” So we already showed our cards that we wanted her to do it, back in the beginning, and that kind of eliminates our ability to just casually bring it up without it pushing a button in our child and revealing that we really haven’t let go. So what can seem very casual to us on an adult level, they’re picking up all the subtext, all the feelings, all that other stuff. We really have to be clear, unfortunately. I know, it’s a bummer.
But the thing I wanted to point out is that she says, “Throughout the next year it definitely came up, just because it does. Also, she’s a Velcro kid and she almost always follows me into the bathroom, which I’m totally fine with.” So this is a parenthetical comment this parent made, but this is a key point. In my other posts and podcast episodes about potty learning, I mention that one of the things that can get in the way is if we have any kind of struggle as parents with boundaries, if it’s hard for us to set boundaries with our child. And the reason it’s usually hard for us to set boundaries with our child is because we don’t like to see them upset or seem anxious or seem scared or seem anything uncomfortable. That is the main reason it’s hard for a lot of us—and I’m raising my hand here!—to set boundaries. So when we say we have a Velcro child, we’re saying that she’s more needy, needs to be physically close with her parent at all times. And sometimes this is even kind of a control thing that children do, I mean, I’m not talking about consciously they’re trying to control their parent, but it actually usually comes from a strength more than a weakness. In my experience working with children and my own children, it comes from, I don’t want to let you go easily. I’m going to make a big fuss.
And this parent said she doesn’t mind at all having her come into the bathroom. But I would look at that because usually, and maybe the parent going to the bathroom isn’t a good example, but if we’re describing our child as a Velcro child, that’s usually a sign that we’re not comfortable setting certain boundaries with them that have to do with separation. And when we struggle with boundaries in any way, it often gives children that mixed messaging I was talking about. In this case, the parent said she doesn’t care, but for most of us it’s like, Well, I’d actually rather go to the bathroom by myself, but I feel bad, so I’m going to have her come with me. And that feeling of navigating these mixed messages in a parent, as I said before, is really, really uncomfortable for a child. It can keep them stuck, can keep them in that anxious place of the parent not being able to really let go of them all the way and really let them have their feelings about certain things, and therefore they’re kind of left in a state of uncertainty and anxiety.
This is me offering a perspective, again, that may not exactly match what this parent is feeling, what’s going on here, but I just want to offer it. Just like with the pediatrician’s advice that I have a different perspective on. I’m not saying they’re wrong or that you shouldn’t follow their advice. I’m offering a whole different perspective to consider.
What I would suggest is this parent starts to be really clear about her boundaries and herself with her daughter when it comes to separation. In the beautiful, clear way that she said she’s handling the outings with her daughter that her daughter’s reticent to go on. She doesn’t want to go, but the parent holds her ground and allows her child to share all those feelings of resistance. And so instead of thinking of her as a Velcro child, she thinks of her as a child who really has a lot of feelings about letting go of her parent and that she needs to express more feelings about that because she has a lot more and stronger feelings about it. When she can feel that clarity in her ability to have her feelings and move through them in her way, for her to come to all of this on her own, because the parent has actually given this to her free and clear. Again, it’s that total trust that’s down to our bones, that we have to feel, that belief in her. Not, Okay, I’m going to trust her, but if this doesn’t work for a certain time, then maybe I’m going to wonder again. And that clarity around boundaries.
I would give her both of those, and that belief in her. Belief in her to be upset about the parent going to the bathroom alone or whatever it is, and wanting to be Velcro but we’re not going to let her be Velcro because we have our own needs. And it’s more important to be honest and allow her to express her feelings.
I hope some of this helps. I hope it’s clear. I’m sure there’s probably a lot of questions coming up about what I’ve said here. Thank you to these parents for reaching out and asking for my opinion. And again, it’s only an opinion, it’s only a perspective. It’s something to weigh along with other perspectives. Thank you for even wanting to hear mine.
And thanks to everybody for listening. We can do this.
