A mother reaches out to Janet because her 3-year old’s behavior has recently become erratic and unpleasant, and she’s struggling to make sense of it. She writes that her boy is strong-willed, smart, kind, high energy and wonderful to be around. But lately he’s quick to anger, throws things, screams NO to simple requests, is pushy with his younger sister and gets easily overwhelmed when disappointed. He even behaved wildly and disruptively in a weekly music class he normally enjoys. Janet offers some basic guidelines for responding that she believes can be applied to almost every kind of behavior concern parents face. She hopes you find this helpful!
Transcript of “Erratic, Unreasonable Behavior”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
Today I’m going to be talking about one parent’s particular issue that she wrote to me about. But really this is about almost every issue that you bring to me, because it’s about the way that we perceive behavior and how that sends us off into a direction that often isn’t helpful and creates more frustration for us.
When children’s behavior seems totally unreasonable, Why are they acting this way?, that’s because it is unreasonable. It’s impulsive behavior. It stems from emotions, threat detection that puts us into dysregulation. And this happens with children so easily. But here’s the thing: most of us, because we’re coming from a place of reason with our children, and we want our children to be reasonable—and sometimes they absolutely are, even a one-year-old can have such reasonable conscious behavior, until they don’t. But what happens to us as parents is that a lot of the ways we intuitively respond are as if this behavior is reasonable.
For example, we remind our child, Oh, don’t do that. Or we scold them for doing it, tell them they shouldn’t behave that way. But usually, unless it’s the very first time for that behavior, they already know that. They already know they shouldn’t do it. So we’re responding from a place of reason, but that’s not what this is about for them. Or maybe we try to negotiate with them, Well, what if I do it this way or that way? Or maybe we use bribes or we threaten with consequences or punishments, and then it doesn’t work. Now we’re even quicker to frustration when our child does that thing again because now we’re coming from a place of feeling threatened. That’s how these cycles can continue.
Now, I’m not suggesting that sometimes negotiating or giving our child a chance to behave differently because we give them a choice, things like that, I’m not saying those don’t ever work. They do sometimes work. But if we go into these situations believing that will work, that’s where it can be hard for us. Because our expectations are higher than is reasonable, because our child isn’t in a reasonable place.
I think all of us, as adults, can relate to doing things we know aren’t good for us, maybe repeatedly, just because we feel like we need to or we want to in that moment. So we do unreasonable things, we make unreasonable choices (if we want to even think of them as choices). Including when we respond to our children’s behavior in ways that we know aren’t going to help if we thought about it, but we find ourselves going there again and again. So if this can happen to us as mature adults, with our prefrontal cortexes highly developed, imagine how easily it can happen with a child. Sometimes that negotiation or the threatening or the scolding or the punishment, it can seem to work to stop the behavior, but it usually doesn’t heal the behavior.
Looking at this from our child’s point of view is the one thing that I can recommend across the board. It helps us so much to get in the practice of seeing from our child’s point of view. Which we do by observing, listening, allowing them space to be themselves in their play. When they’re joining with us in tasks, seeing how they like to do things, who they are. All of that gets us in the practice of realizing this is a completely different person than us, with a whole different point of view. I used to feel like in the beginning, with my first daughter, that when she was a baby she was this extension of me. It wasn’t until I began observing her that I saw this other person and then I could get into her point of view.
And doing that helps us in so many ways. From our child’s point of view, when they are behaving in ways that upset us, that bother us, that concern us—and don’t ever think they don’t know, they absolutely do know they’re getting that response—they don’t want to be there. They don’t want to be doing that. Even if they’re smiling and laughing, and I’ll talk about that in a minute. Usually what’s happening when we’re talking about dysregulation, perceived threats, emotions that are overwhelming, it usually comes down to fear. There’s some fear going on in our child. They’re showing that they’re not comfortable.
So what happens when we respond with reason, like we so want to do as adults? What happens then? They did this thing that they very likely know wasn’t the right thing to do, wasn’t what we wanted them to do. But all they’re getting from us is don’t or bad things are going to happen to you for doing this. What does that do, seeing this from our child’s eyes? If we’re already coming from a place of feeling overwhelmed and feeling fear, that makes us feel more afraid, right? Because now these people who we depend on for everything and look up to like gods and need acceptance from so desperately, now they’re telling us we are unacceptable, that there’s basically something wrong with us for allowing our impulses to take over. We’re not able to live up to what our parents expect from us, so there’s something really flawed in us. That amplifies our fear, which means our behavior is not going to get better from there. It’s going to continue in the direction it’s going, maybe show up differently, maybe get more intense, but it’s not going to get better.
If our goal every time could be to try to understand the behavior. Well, to first accept that our child is behaving this way and however they’re behaving is the best that they’re able to do in that moment, and then to want to understand. And the thing is, there’s so much behavior that goes on that we’re not going to understand. All that matters is that we want to understand. That’s all kids need from us: that we want to get closer to them in that way, to know what’s going on with them. That we’re not rejecting them until they behave a different way, which is basically ignoring the whole reason why they’re behaving that way in the first place, making them feel more distanced from us, more afraid.
Even if behavior looks really, really awful, what if we could want to understand and try to help them with that? Knowing that’s the last thing they want to be doing, they don’t want to be there, this isn’t fun. If they’re smiling, it’s because they’re uncomfortable and kind of trying to put a brave face on, going the opposite of how they actually feel. Our child doesn’t suddenly become some evil adult when they’re behaving these ways, but it’s easy to get triggered into adultifying them. So we’ve got to forgive ourselves for feeling all that and forgive ourselves for coming back at them with reason again and again and again. But at some point—and for our own comfort, the sooner the better—if we could see this as, Whoa, my child is not comfortable right now. How can I help?
And again, the main way we can help is just by wanting to help. Imagine how that eases your mind, when your parent isn’t seeing you as flawed or bad or that you’re deliberately doing something mean or wrong. They’re seeing, Uh-oh, they’re not comfortable, something’s going on here. And I want to help. Right there, that feeling that I’m okay and I’m safe is what children need, number one. And that’s almost all that they need in these situations, just to get that vibe from us.
Yes, this can be hard, but it’s not complicated. It’s challenging mentally to shift this way of seeing, but in itself, it’s pretty simple what children need from us. We don’t have to come at them with some perfect strategy and some answer and do this certain thing. That part will come if we are sincerely interested in knowing how we can help. This helps our child and helps us, because it stops the behavior, but in a healthy, healing way. It also builds our relationship towards more trust and safety. And with that safety, our child will behave better in all circumstances, even if they are going through something else that’s scary that they’re not able to understand and express themselves, so it’s showing up in their behavior. Even then, with this experience of us as wanting to know and being on their side and wanting to help, that makes for less of this behavior in the next circumstance and the next one.
Now I’d like to share this note, and then I’ll talk about how this approach applies to that situation and talk about some guidelines that we can use to help in any situation of difficult behavior.
Hi, Janet-
My husband and I have a three-year-old boy and a two-year-old girl. Our three-year-old is such a strong-willed, smart, kind, and high-energy kiddo that, at times, is so wonderful to be around.
Recently (two to four months ago) we’ve noticed some behavior changes. Perhaps you could classify them as “attention-seeking” behavior. Something to note, we both are lucky to work from home and do not send either of our children to daycare outside of a weekly music class and weekly gym class, which we attend with them. Our son is becoming more vocal when he doesn’t like things and will scream, “No, I don’t want to do that! No, I won’t hold your hand!” etc.
He does have a hard time regulating his emotions. For example, he will ask his sister to come play in his room with him and she says no. He will then yell and cry and want to pull her into the room. He will get overwhelmed and angry and will throw things. If those things hit someone or something, he immediately lays face down on the ground, almost ashamed. Other times he will come up to me and tell me he is “a little bit nervous” and be able to share that he is sad or really happy. It seems to change radically throughout the day.
More recently, we attended our weekly music class. It consists of five or six other children and their parent in the home of a teacher. We sit around in a circle, sing, sometimes dance and play with ribbons, musical instruments, etc. His sister loves it all and is very happy to go. My son is always excited to go, but once we get there says he wants to leave. He’s the oldest in the class, with the rest between one-and-a-half to two-and-a-half years old, and he seems like he can’t sit still and listen unless he’s singing, up dancing, or playing the instrument of the day.
During this last class, he refused to sit down on the carpet with me and sis and then proceeded to run around the room. I was embarrassed, but also when I got up to try to get him, it was like a game to him, huge smile on his face, trying to make it so I couldn’t catch him. When I finally did, I took both him and his sister outside for a break. He acted as though everything was fine. I asked him to try and listen and participate in the class. After three to five minutes, we went back in. Things were good for about five to 10 minutes, when there was more singing and dancing and not just patiently sitting on the ground listening to the teacher talk. Then he started running around, hitting the drums, trying to not let me get him. I took him out again, this time exasperated and even more embarrassed. His sis stayed in and played. I texted my husband asking him to come, and by then the class was over.
What do I do in this situation? What do I do in any of these situations? He loves instruments. He knows all the lyrics to these songs and is very engaged when there’s an activity that allows his body to move. Why does he not want to be there? Is it that we don’t do daycare or preschool yet and don’t follow firm, structured play at home? Is this even normal?
Just to start at the end and go backwards: This is normal, for this child in this phase of life. How do we know that? Because he’s doing it. I mean, the word “normal” we always use loosely, but this is typical behavior for a child his age, with low impulse control. But why is this happening and what can we do? I actually reached out to this parent and wrote back asking, just running it by her, did anything change in the last few months? Anything about this timeline that makes sense to you, that this has started recently? The parent didn’t get back to me and I wanted to go ahead and share about this question today.
So I don’t know why he’s behaving this way, but what we can all take from this is that he’s really uncomfortable. There’s something going on with him. That’s what this kind of behavior almost always means, I really want to say always means. Her child is uncomfortable. He’s behaving unreasonably and erratically. He’s behaving out of character.
Going back to the beginning of the note, she says, “Recently (two to four months ago) we’ve noticed some behavior changes. Perhaps you could classify them as ‘attention-seeking’ behavior,” and she put attention-seeking in quotes. I don’t usually use that term, but she’s right, it is attention seeking. But what kind of attention is it seeking? Sometimes we think of this term as they really want that negative attention from parents. I don’t believe that’s true, I don’t believe any child wants that. But what they do want is, see me, help me, that kind of attention. See me, at least want to understand me and help me, instead of responding to me as if reasoning will help.
Then she says, “Our son is becoming more vocal when he doesn’t like things and will scream, ‘No, I don’t want to do that! No, I won’t hold your hand!’ And he does have a hard time regulating his emotions. For example, he will ask his sister to come play in his room with him and she says no. He will then yell and cry and want to pull her into the room. He will get overwhelmed and angry and will throw things. If those things hit someone or something, he immediately lays face down on the ground, almost ashamed.”
Seeing from his point of view, or feeling from his point of view, he’s trying to control some things that he can’t control. There’s some feelings in him that are scary and out of his control, and so he’s blowing up. I don’t want to do that! No, I’m not going to hold your hand. Asking his sister to come play and then trying to force her to do that. I’m going to make you all do what I want and I’m going to only do what I want. So that feels really uncomfortable, to be in that. Kind of grabbing out for things that are unreasonable and almost silly, like you’re going to make this happen and you’re going to make that happen. And it’s not working for you, so you give up and lose it, you throw something and it hits something. And now you just melt into the floor because all these unreasonable attempts at control are not helping you feel better. We can see, we can feel the pain in that.
This parent says, “Other times he’ll come up to me and tell me he is ‘a little bit nervous’ and be able to share that he is sad or really happy. It seems to change radically throughout the day.” Honestly, I feel like I’ve been there and if I told someone I was feeling “a little bit nervous,” that meant I’m feeling incredibly nervous and out of control. The fact that he’s articulating that he’s a little bit nervous, pretty amazing, but I would say a lot more than a little bit. And if he’s sad, if he’s really happy, those are all uncomfortable things. Happy content, peaceful, that’s one thing. Really happy and sad are not comfortable for a young child, usually. Because being really happy can be an out of control feeling. It’s that excitable kind of happy. We’re off balance, we’re not grounded, we’re a little bit nervous.
Then she says about the music class that his sister loves it, but he gets there and he wants to leave. He’s the oldest in the class. And he can’t sit still and listen unless he’s singing or up dancing or playing with the instrument of the day. So, keep me busy, keep me engaged so I don’t have to feel what I’m feeling. That’s what I imagine. It’s like if I can put all this energy into something, then I’m okay because I’m kind of riding along with the dancing and the singing and I’m getting lost in that. But just left to my own devices, I don’t want to be here. Sitting and listening, I can’t do it. All these are signs that he’s uncomfortable.
Then he refused to sit down on the carpet and proceeded to run around the room. And his poor mom was embarrassed and tried to catch him, and he had a big smile on his face. Okay, that’s the happy, when she said “he’s sad or really happy,” that’s that really happy, excited thing. That’s not a comfortable kind of joyful happiness. Sounds highly uncomfortable.
So his mom got him and his sister out for a break, and then she asked him to try to listen and participate, and they went back in. And then when he wasn’t dancing or singing, the same thing happened, he starts running around. He can’t contain this nervousness, this fear. And now she’s understandably annoyed with him, right? Because she’s tried so hard and it’s like she’s fighting a losing battle, because she’s trying to use reasonable strategies to change what’s going on instead of seeing that he really isn’t in a reasonable place and just needs help. These are the circles we can get caught up in ourselves when we forget to look at the why and understand that, with children, it’s almost always a feeling that’s causing impulsive behavior like this.
She says, “What do I do in any of these situations? He loves instruments. He knows all the lyrics to these songs. He’s very engaged.” So this is the part where we’re telling ourselves, Well, this doesn’t make sense. How can he do this when he loves all of this so much? That’s our wonderful, adult, reasonable thinking that gets in the way of us seeing. And she says, “Why does he not want to be there?” That I can’t really answer, but it’s a stimulating situation that feels a little too out of his control, and he’s having a hard time settling in because he’s sitting on some feelings, generally.
It’s just like us as adults when we’re going through something, maybe it’s grief, maybe it’s fear. We’ll be okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, and then all of a sudden it hits us. It’s not a consistent, Oh, he’s falling apart every minute, so that means there’s something up. Or, Oh, he seems fine sometimes, so there’s not anything up. It comes and it goes, but it usually doesn’t just go away on its own.
Here’s some guidelines to use in addressing any kinds of these unreasonable behaviors. First: know there’s a reason and that you can help. And being aware that that reason is not that we’re bad parents, that they’re evil kids, that we’ve done something wrong. None of that is a reason and none of that will help us.
Number two: notice signs and communication of dysregulation. So this is what I was just saying. It can be hard with kids to see it simmering, especially when they’re saying things like I’m really happy right now! But sometimes they do seem fine and even calm, and then when they smile or laugh at us, it’s hard to look beyond that and see that there’s something going on there.
The third step: help your child feel seen and heard, which starts with acceptance. There’s something going on and I want to know. I want to understand. I see that you’re having such a hard time with these little things, like holding my hand or when you want to play with your sister. You’re having these intense reactions to things. You’re feeling touchy, you’re feeling sensitive. So I’m seeing that. And all I have to do in those moments is show him that I see him and want to understand. When he blows up, “I won’t hold your hand!” “You feel like you don’t want to hold my hand right now. What’s going on?” (So we’re just acknowledging what they’ve said.) “You don’t want to do it,” and then whatever that situation is, if you need him to hold your hand, say, “Okay, well, I’m going to have to hold your hand, but you can be mad at me about that.”
And all the while I’m thinking, thinking. Hmm, something’s going on with him. Trying not to take it personally, because it isn’t personal. And I know this seems like a stretch maybe, but if we could get to not only accepting our child at their worst, but having our heart go out to them. Knowing that this is the last thing they want to be doing, doing things that push us away, their sister, exasperating us. They don’t want to be doing that. So whatever he’s saying, whatever he’s going through, “Oh, you want to play with your sister and she doesn’t want to? Ugh, so disappointing. That hurts your feelings. I can’t let you throw, but share that hurt with me.” Opening up to that and seeing, as Mona Delahooke says so beautifully, beyond the behavior.
Then the fourth step: look at ways to help your child in those situations and maybe temporarily avoid them. In this case of the music class, this sounds like it’s not going to be a successful experience for him at this time. For now, I just wouldn’t put myself through that as a parent. Maybe somebody else can care for him while I take the two-year-old, or maybe the two-year-old could skip it a few times if that’s needed, or someone else could take her. It’s like when we’re sick or a child’s sick, we’re not going to do all the things. And in a way, this is like an illness. It’s temporary. But to put him in situations like that where it’s going to make us angry and then it’s going to make him feel worse, and so on and so on, it’s just not worth it.
Several parents have reached out to me recently about their children having difficult behavior in preschool. And what I’ve said to them is that your child is showing you they’re uncomfortable in this situation, they’re overwhelmed. That’s why they’re hitting kids, pushing kids, running all around, doing these things that are alarming or annoying teachers. It’s typical that this happens, especially with strong-willed or sensitive children. And these situations could be too chaotic, too stimulating, just too much for a child, especially if they’re going through something else that’s making them feel uncomfortable. But it could just be in that situation itself, because those situations are chaotic. There’s all these new adults, new kids. It doesn’t matter if there’s a wonderful ratio of adults to children. There’s just all these people. All these different energies together, it’s too much for some children.
And that’s okay. Oftentimes there is a way that the teachers or the director can have calm areas to set aside, not to force children into, but to help a child into a place where they can manage better. Or to have a more gradual approach to children starting in a new situation like this. But most of all, knowing that this child is doing the best they can. This is not a child who needs more reasonable responses and to be reminded how much they shouldn’t do this behavior. Just that wanting to understand, again, is so healing.
The next point, number five: stay on their team throughout, which begins with that understanding or wanting to understand.
And then six: holding boundaries as we allow and accept feelings. That’s how we’re encouraging them to share what’s going on with them. We’re not digging deeper, saying, Talk about your fear. What’s happening with you right now these days? We’re saying, “Ah, you wanted to play with your sister and she said no and that felt like the end of the world right there to you. I’m here.” That’s how kids feel that safety again.
Finally, last point: We want to give kids the message that they’re safe with and acceptable to us, always.
I really hope some of this helps. And please be good to yourselves. Because we’re entering the holiday season, and that’s a time of excitement. And excitement, anticipation, all these things that maybe we think are fun as adults, children will easily cross the line into being too overwhelmed and dysregulated.
Thank you so much for listening. We can do this.
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