A mom fears that her gentle, respectful approach to her toddler’s feelings and behaviors is too permissive and isn’t teaching her to treat others with kindness and respect. She says she’s been following Janet’s approach from the beginning, but when her daughter kicks and screams and generally melts down, she can’t help but question if simply acting calm and acknowledging her feelings is the right attitude. “… This isn’t getting better, it’s getting worse, and I feel like maybe I’m going down the wrong path or there’s something I’m doing wrong.” Janet encourages this parent to be more assertive with her own personal boundaries and clarifies what she means when she recommends accepting and acknowledging feelings.
Transcript of “Am I Ruining My Child With Respectful Parenting? (A Parent Consultation)”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
Today I’m going to be consulting with a parent who describes what she’s going through as an “existential parenting crisis.” She’s worried. She’s worried that she might be ruining her child with her gentle, respectful approach. That maybe her daughter’s going to end up being a spoiled brat and that she could be teaching her that screaming and kicking her when she’s upset is okay. She obviously doesn’t want to teach those things. I’m looking forward to hearing more about what’s going on with her and her daughter and how I can help clarify the approach that I believe will serve her very, very well.
Hi, thank you for being here.
Parent: Thank you.
Janet Lansbury: The way I usually like to start these is, if you don’t mind, I’d like to read the note that you sent me.
Parent: Yeah.
Janet Lansbury: Okay, because it was such a thoughtful note and you phrased everything so well and I think it’s quite clear. So let’s start with that:
Hi, Janet-
I’m having a bit of an existential parenting crisis and I’m hoping you can somehow put my fears to rest. Online, I see so many posts and videos of people talking about how Gen Alpha is the worst and gentle parenting is ruining our kids. Teachers claim that kids are the most disrespectful and unmotivated they’ve ever been, and that millennial parents care more about their children’s feelings than ensuring they know how to treat other people.
And when I see these things—and as my 24-month-old daughter is kicking and screaming because I have to put diaper rash cream on her bottom, it could be any reason, but this is one that happened recently—I really have to wonder if I’m doing the right thing by simply doing it as calmly as I can and acknowledging her feelings. “You really don’t want to do this right now, and I have to put it on.” Sometimes during these moments, I imagine there’s a camera crew in my room and everyone is watching the scene unfold. I imagine they’re commenting on what a pushover parent I am, allowing my daughter to kick at me and scream in my face like that, how that kind of behavior should be totally unacceptable, and what a spoiled brat she’s going to grow up being.
And I have to wonder, What am I teaching my daughter in those moments? Am I teaching her that screaming and kicking me when she’s upset is okay? Because it’s not okay for her to treat me or anyone else that way, and I would put it down as one of my parenting goals to make sure she learns that. Wouldn’t it serve that purpose better if I responded instead, angrily, “Hey, that hurts my ears! I don’t deserve to be kicked for taking care of you. You need to stop it right now.” I know that’s shaming, but also doesn’t it take a little shame to learn how not to treat people?
I don’t want any of this to sound like her behavior is threatening to me in any way. I can handle my daughter and all of her biggest outbursts, and I’ve done it up to this point without the use of punishments or shaming, lecturing or yelling. And that is the path I want to continue down, because it’s the kind of parent I truly want to be, thanks to you and the tremendous luck I had in stumbling upon your podcast several years ago, without which I would’ve never known about this kind of approach. But I’m just having some serious doubts right now about the kind of person I’m encouraging my daughter to be in these moments. Am I ruining my child?
Thank you so much for everything you do.
I’m assuming that all of this is still fresh in your mind, the way that you feel. I know it usually takes a couple of weeks for us to get together and talk about what you sent me, but is this still the way you’re feeling?
Parent: Yeah. I feel like I’m at a point where I’ve been following this approach from the very beginning. I meant it when I said it was tremendous luck coming across your podcast, because I would’ve never known about this type of parenting otherwise, or maybe I would’ve found out later. But I happened to come upon it before I became a parent, and it was such a perspective change, and I still do really believe in it. But I’m just at a point now in my parenting journey where I’m just starting to doubt some things and wondering if it’s enough, right? When she’s having these behaviors, is it enough for me to just acknowledge how she’s feeling and is that going to be enough to teach her, for her to learn what I want her to learn, which is how to treat people?
And I’m sure you probably see it on social media and on the internet. There’s just a lot of stuff being said right now about respectful parenting or gentle parenting—I think the two kind of mean the same thing. And that’s also kind of played into my fears and my doubts as well.
Janet Lansbury: I understand. I think everything you said here is very valid. Every concern that you’re having makes sense. And I actually think this is a great place for you to be in your journey right now because it’s going to cause you to, I don’t know, get to the next point in your development as a parent. I mean, we’re all constantly developing as parents because this is about a relationship, right? This is going to propel you forward, I think, through this discussion. And this is interesting for me because a lot of times when I’m responding to people’s questions, I have some sense of what I want to share with them that’s going to help them. But I really don’t have that much sense of this yet! I have a lot of questions for you.
You just said something, though, that gentle parenting and respectful parenting are the same, and I don’t really know that that’s true. I started calling this respectful parenting. And when people say, “What do you think about gentle parenting?” or “Are you doing gentle parenting?” I ask them to define what that means, because I really don’t know. I know what I’m referring to when I say respectful parenting, but I don’t know what gentle parenting is exactly referring to. And I think a lot of times it is permissive parenting. There is this big birth of excitement and interest in letting kids have feelings. And when I first started blogging—coming up on exactly 15 years ago—nobody was talking about this. Now it seems like everybody’s talking about this, and maybe it is being taken to an extreme in some ways. So I want to really try to clarify what I recommend.
I also want to hear what’s going on. When a child is behaving like this, to some extent, it’s typical toddler behavior, but it’s not without reason. So why do you think she has such strong resistance to things like this, that are going to help her? And it’d be great to hear other examples of when she’s behaving like that. Because you’re right, it’s not okay and it’s not the way you want her to be with people. And understanding the reason can help us know how to respond to this more effectively.
Parent: Just touching on what you said earlier with the gentle parenting, it’s not exactly what you are teaching in your podcast. It’s similar. It’s like you said, I think it looks a little different with each person probably, but I think it is just, in general, prioritizing more the child’s emotions and not using punishments or staying away from shaming and things like that.
What you said about permissive parenting, that I think is my fear. Because I really feel like with this approach, it is so nuanced, as you know, and I feel like with people with my personality, it can be like this slippery slope to permissive parenting if we focus too much on the feelings and not enough on the boundaries and the discipline. I get caught on that slope a lot. I think that’s where a lot of my fear is. Maybe I am being too permissive, but I don’t know.
And the behaviors, she’s 25 months now, and really some big behaviors started around 18 months. That was right when her baby sister was born. And like I said, I’ve listened to all of your podcasts, so I knew. I was like, Okay, we’re having a baby. This is going to kind of rock her world. I was anticipating that there was going to be some behavioral challenges, and I was right. And we kind of got through that, and then things were good.
Then she turned two and whoa, the behaviors have just totally escalated. These crazy tantrums for seemingly very small reasons, like I’ve got to put diaper paste on your bottom. That was the one I wrote to you about, but it could be anything. It could be my cracker broke and you can’t fix it. All of a sudden, boom, she’s on another level and can’t be reached. She’s seeing red, screaming super loud, wake-the-dead screaming, and this happens multiple times a day.
It really got me worried that I’m missing something here because this isn’t getting better, it’s getting worse. I feel like maybe I’m going down the wrong path or there’s something that I’m doing wrong, something I’m missing in my approach.
Janet Lansbury: How old is the baby now?
Parent: She’s seven months.
Janet Lansbury: And is she crawling?
Parent: She’s kind of trying to scoot. She’s rolling over like crazy and she can navigate her way around her little safe space, but not full-on crawling yet, no.
Janet Lansbury: Has anything else happened? Is your older daughter going to care or making any changes?
Parent: Well, there was a big change, but this was about two months ago, we moved houses. But other than that, nothing recently. I mean, she had her birthday and that was a month ago. And I don’t know, I’m racking my brain trying to think of something. And we live a very simple life. I mean, we’ve got our little routine each day, we’re not doing anything crazy. It’s just me and the girls at home most of the time.
Janet Lansbury: That’s lovely.
Parent: Honestly, it is. Yeah, it’s really nice and I enjoy it a lot. But with her having these intense tantrums that has made it a little difficult.
Janet Lansbury: A little less fun.
Parent: Yeah, exactly.
Janet Lansbury: You’re not having a great time right now.
Parent: Exactly, it’s not always so much fun.
Janet Lansbury: Oy, yeah. Can you talk a little about how you are responding just moment to moment? Let’s think of an example that happened recently, either the diaper one or another one, like the thing that was broken. What was the thing that was broken and you couldn’t fix it?
Parent: A cracker.
Janet Lansbury: Yeah, wow. So I’ve worked with a lot of children actually around this age who have reactions to things getting broken. I have the idea that it’s symbolic of that lack of control that they feel in their world. That a part of them at this age is wanting to be more independent and more in control. But by going there, they’re also realizing that there’s a lot of things that are out of their control, like the sister and the parents’ feelings about the sister and where I fit in and just the way things go in a day. That part of me wants to be this giant person in life right now, at this age. And the other part is realizing that I’m actually small and not that powerful. It’s one of the push/pulls that children go through at this age. It’s a time of so many mixed emotions, as you’ve heard me talk about. This is why I focus on these toddler years, because there’s so much going on, so much shifting of their whole sense of self. They’re learning and developing so quickly. So it is a dysregulating time in and of itself.
These episodes that she’s having, these tantrums or if we want to call them meltdowns or tantrums, but they are physiological. As you said, she’s unreachable. There’s nothing you can do once she’s gone there. As far as putting diaper cream on her or something, I think I would wait for her to calm down before doing that if possible, because she can’t stop herself and I wouldn’t want you to be in the way of her kicking and lashing out like that. That’s not good for you and it’s not a good message to give her.
So let’s go back to the cracker broke, she got upset. Were you trying to fix the cracker for her?
Parent: No, I wasn’t trying to fix it, but I was trying to explain. Because I can sense it’s coming, right? She’s getting upset, she’s starting to get rigid, and I’m like, All right, here we go. Okay. And of course, like I’ve said several times, I’ve listened to all your podcasts, but still every time this happens, I try to stop it. So I’m like, “I can’t fix it. I could get you a different cracker. I could get you a new one.” Oh, no, that doesn’t help. The train has left the station and this meltdown’s going to happen. But I still find myself pushing against it like, Ah, maybe we can do something to stop it. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that impulse, because once the train has left the station, it usually means 20 to 45 minutes of screaming and just thrashing, kicking.
So what I have been doing is if she’s not already in her safe space, which is her nursery, I will bring her there. Because if her sister is around—the baby—she gets very upset when my toddler starts screaming like that because, I mean, it’s loud, it’s very unpleasant to listen to, it’s actually intolerable after several minutes. It makes the baby upset and then the baby’s crying, and this happens almost every time. And so I feel like I need to remove her. She can cry, she can have her meltdown, she can have her feelings. I’m not trying to stop it, but she’s got to do it in her nursery because it’s disrupting everyone else. And I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do.
I actually called my mom yesterday because I was having these thoughts and just thinking that I would’ve never done this when I was that age. And then I thought, I actually don’t have any memories from when I was two years old. And so I called my mom and I said, Hey, tantrums, did I have tantrums when I was two years old? And she said yes. She said I had crazy tantrums, kind of like what my daughter’s having. And I have five siblings and none of them had tantrums like that, it was just me. I just had an intensity, for whatever reason. And she used to put me in my room, but she would lock the door and close it. And I do have memories of that, I have memories of the door being closed, of me kicking the door, of me just feeling so angry that I was locked in that room.
And so I will put my daughter in her nursery, but I will leave the doors open and I will try to be with her for however long I can tolerate it, and that might be a couple minutes. And then I feel my blood starting to boil and I’m just in discomfort because of the volume and I have to go and take a break. Or sometimes I have to go and do something, like feed the baby, and I might be gone for 10 minutes or something and then I’ll come back. And I always try to come back so she doesn’t feel like she’s being locked in a room, so she doesn’t feel like she’s in a time-out, so to speak. And I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do, but I don’t know any other way to address it.
Janet Lansbury: Wow, this is so fascinating that you found this out about yourself. Yeah, that’s the interesting thing is that most of us don’t really remember very much about this most formative time in our life. So it’s possible too that there’s something getting tipped off in you that’s making you afraid. As you said, you have this urge to try to stop her from going there. Maybe there’s a part of you that does remember, or as you say, you do remember being alone and that’s coming up for you, making it even harder to let her go there.
Now, as far as moving her away and the baby and everything, this is a question I commonly get. What do I do? The baby’s crying too, and now I have to do something special to move the older one away because she’s upsetting the baby. I mean, it’s understandable for the sound to upset anyone. Oftentimes though, and there is science behind this, babies, when they hear crying, when they hear screaming, they tend to do it as well. It’s actually an early form of empathy. They can feel scared, but they feel scared based on how we feel, usually. And I’m glad that you got this confirmation from your mother that makes you realize, Oh, maybe it is just a normal transition that children go through. Maybe it is okay. That’s important for you to know.
And I have to touch back on this whole thing about feelings, because you said all this focus on feelings. I don’t believe in focus on feelings, I don’t want to be putting that forward. What I’m teaching is respectful relationships where there’s trust, where there’s allowing you to be who you are, allowing you to share what you’re feeling. And in this case, she’s becoming totally dysregulated. It’s not even about a feeling anymore. It starts with a feeling and then it goes off into something that has a life of its own. Where it seems like I’m focusing on feelings, that’s part of the dynamic of being able to set limits. That I know that that’s part of the deal, that things are going to happen, things that I say no to or I have to set a limit. And that’s my job, to do it with confidence and then to see it as normal and a right of yours to respond however you naturally respond, and not to feel responsible for fixing that.
I think when you say schools are reporting that kids are worse behaved and not motivated and all that, I have an idea where that comes from. It comes from feeling sorry for a child for every feeling that they have, feeling like we have to protect them from every feeling that they have. And I guess that’s another way of focusing on feelings, but my focus on feelings is, Bring it on! If it’s in there, I want it to come out. It’s not something I caused by doing a normal thing or just by life, by you breaking a cracker. This is coming out of you, and that means it needed to really badly. And I’m not going to do anything to get in the way of that.
Ideally, I would just let it happen where it’s happening, so I’m not making this whole big event. First of all, I started to project to you that I’m not comfortable by trying to talk you out of it, and then I am taking you somewhere else because now I’m worried you’re upsetting the baby. All of that discomfort and you feeling like this is this big event, this is this big problem, that’s what’s getting in the way and maybe creating more of this. Because it comes from a sense of safety, and if you could feel safer with the idea that this is a child who blows their top at this age—and it probably will only last a year—this is what she does, this is how she functions.
I mean, how is she when she’s not like that? She’s probably great, right?
Parent: Oh, she’s fantastic. Yeah, she’s wonderful. She’s a wonderful kid.
Janet Lansbury: Yeah, so she’s operating on a high level and children like that, the venting is as powerful as the way that they operate when they’re feeling good.
I’m really glad you brought up that there’s so much focus on feelings now because I think that’s true. What I hear from parents sometimes is that they feel, Oh, you feel bad that I set this limit and now I should do something about you feeling bad that I set this limit. No! You get to feel bad that I set this limit. I’m doing my job, I’m doing a really good job as a parent. Because we are, we’re doing a hard job, we’re doing a heroic job. And especially with what she’s going through, she’s going to fall apart and she needs to. That’s a healthy, good thing for her to do.
I think if you started to see it that way, you’ll see that even the baby won’t scream as much or cry as much about it because you’re feeling safe about it. You’re feeling comfortable with this idea that this is part of the way this girl rolls, and it’s great that now you know you rolled that way too. So it’s just something she’s going through. The way she’s coming together and developing is to fall apart a lot. If you could see that as positive.
Parent: I definitely have been pumping the brakes a bit on these outbursts because they last so long and they’re so intense. Honestly, that’s just such a good reminder for me to lean into it. But you talk about this a lot, a lot, and even after hearing it so many times, it is so hard to fully embrace, it really is.
Janet Lansbury: Yeah, for everyone!
Parent: But I jokingly would tell myself when I first started listening to this, I need to brainwash myself. I was just devouring all of your stuff because it is so hard to change perspective on that kind of stuff, it just feels so ingrained in me. And I don’t know why, I don’t know why exactly that is, but it’s so hard for me to feel good about, or not even good, but to feel okay with these kinds of outbursts, these moments where it just seems like she’s so out of control.
And I do imagine that people looking at me would be like, What is going on there? You don’t have any control of your kid. And funny enough, this actually did happen one time in public, it happened at a birthday party. It was time to leave, and I went and got my daughter’s shoes. She didn’t want to leave and it was a big outburst. So I knew what to do because I’ve listened to your podcast. I was like, Okay, I got to pick her up and I got to carry her out and we got to put the shoes on and we just got to go. She needs my help. I was like, All right, I got this. So I get her shoes and I pick her up. I’m like, “We’re going to go get your shoes on and we’re going to leave.” And I mean, she was crying for maybe two minutes. Not crying, screaming. This is, like I said, just earsplitting screaming. And another parent comes over and completely takes over, completely takes over, and is talking to my child, trying to calm her down. I felt really crappy about myself because I felt like these parents think I don’t have any control of my child. They think I don’t know what I’m doing. That’s what it looks like.
And that really makes me feel self-conscious. Even when I’m alone at home and this type of stuff is happening, that’s what I’m thinking as I’m trying to do a difficult diaper change or something like that. And I’m trying to put these principles into practice, I’m trying to elicit some cooperation instead of just demanding that she lay on her back while I do this or I’m trying to work with her or do that dance you talk about. And I imagine that to other people, it doesn’t look like I’m in control there. I would imagine that it looks like my kid is kind of walking all over me and calling the shots.
And it makes me worried when I think about that. Where I’m like, Okay, is that what’s happening? Am I doing too much here? Am I giving her too much power here? And it’s that slippery slope. Am I really doing this respectful parent thing or am I just a permissive parent. And what kind of kid is she going to grow up to be? Is she going to be behaving this way at six years old, at 10 years old? Those are my fears.
Janet Lansbury: Yeah, exactly. It’s that part where you’re kind of going uh-oh in your mind, This is going to be a problem. Instead of, You know what? If she goes, she goes, and it’s going to be the best thing for her. I’m not going to be rejoicing and happy about it, of course. But that little bit of emotional separation you can have around it, where it’s not going to destroy your whole day and make you feel awful.
I just want to go back and ask you about the party. I don’t know why that lady came in and did that, she probably didn’t agree with the way you were doing it. But did you feel confident? Like, I’ve got this, I’ve just got to get her out of here and I know what to do. Or were you feeling like, Uh-oh, everybody’s looking at me and this is a problem and I’m not comfortable and I can’t do this?
Parent: I felt confident until I picked her up and she was still screaming, and then I was like, Oh yeah, everyone’s looking at me. So I tried to bring her somewhere private and this lady followed me, I guess. So it didn’t really work out. But yeah, I definitely was like, Oh my god, everybody’s looking at me and she’s screaming bloody murder.
Janet Lansbury: Could you have just grabbed the shoes and taken her out and not tried to put her shoes on and do the whole thing?
Parent: Yeah, so I took her to a back room. And little caveat here, just so you can understand where my brain was at. It was a big, spacious house with all hardwood flooring. It echoed. There was not one place in that house I don’t think I could have gone where her screams would not have echoed throughout the entire house. So I went to the furthest reach of the house I could, and I tried to put her shoes on. She was kicking, kicking, and I aborted mission. I was like, Okay, you know what? We’re going to go to the car without shoes. So I picked her up, I had her shoes, and as I was leaving, that’s when the lady met me. Yeah, like I said, completely took over, started, “Oh, what’s going on? Are your feelings hurt? Are you okay? Who’s that on your shirt? Is that Mickey Mouse? Is that Pluto? What sound does a dog make?”
Janet Lansbury: Oh gosh.
Parent: I actually ended up crying on my way home because I just thought one, everyone thinks I don’t have control of my daughter, and two, now my daughter’s got this reputation of having these terrible tantrums. Which, she does.
Janet Lansbury: Anybody that doesn’t understand that from a two-year-old and they have their own kids, they couldn’t not get that. I mean, I know some children have more than others, but—
Parent: I just felt terrible. I felt like such a failure as a parent.
Janet Lansbury: It sounds like her way is to make the child feel better, and that’s exactly what I was talking about before. That this is a message we get beginning with a baby: that our job is to make you feel better. Sure, a lot of times they do need something and we should as soon as possible try to get them that food or whatever they need. But other times it’s not our job to try to make them stop crying. It’s our job to try to understand and let them share and let them express it, let them communicate it. What I’m saying is accept the feelings. Accepting the feelings is the opposite of, Let me talk to you about your shirt so that you don’t feel like that anymore.
The talking you out of your feelings is what causes children, in my view, to go on to not be able to handle the ups and downs of daily life. And therefore they can’t be motivated because Oooh, I can’t risk it, I don’t want to ever feel bad. I’ve been taught that that’s not a healthy thing, that I should be afraid of that because everyone’s been talking me out of it. And this is how I’m going into life. It’s not healthy. It doesn’t help you with peers when you feel like everybody needs to fix your feelings all the time. So I’m saying the opposite.
And my note to you about leaving the party is: don’t wait so long. Once you see her starting to go off, now that you know that this is the way she rolls, this was the way that you rolled. And I still think it’s really good for you to look at that, because there’s probably fear that’s coming from that, that you were alone, you were locked in, you had nobody, you were isolated, you were kind of rejected and abandoned. All of that is probably going to come up for you each time. But once you see her starting and you’re in a place like that, get her out. Grab the shoes, get her out. The longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be for her and for you.
Parent: Oh, for sure. One thing I do want to say though is in talking to my mom about my tantrums as a child, which was super helpful, she mentioned that she would bring me to my room and she would lock the door. And I do remember that. I just want to say it didn’t affect my relationship with my mom. I will say though, as an adult, the emotion I struggle with most is anger. And that’s why I have been afraid to kind of shut the door on my daughter when she’s going through that because I wonder if maybe I just needed someone to process it with, or maybe I just needed someone to listen. And it might not even have anything to do with that, but that might be a thing.
But then what you said earlier really, really hit home for me, when you said your approach isn’t trying to focus on the feelings, it’s trying to focus on the relationship. That’s where I kind of had that question in my letter about when she’s kicking me or the other day she scratched me. And that question I had of, Is acknowledging her feelings going to be enough to teach her not to do that? Isn’t there learning in a little bit of shame? And that sounds terrible, I don’t want to shame my daughter. But if I were to react differently.
When she scratched me the other day, what I did was I said, “Ow!” And then I was thinking, Okay, wait. This is important, how I respond to this. And so I said, “I don’t want you to scratch me. Here’s your elephant. Scratch your elephant if you want to scratch.” And then you know what she did? She did it again. She scratched me again. And then I remembered, Okay, wait, I have to physically stop this. I can’t just say, “I don’t want you to do this.” I have to also stop. So then I said, “Okay, I’m not going to let you do that again,” and I put my hand up. Then she tried again and I stopped her, and that was the end of that. And then we moved on with our day, we didn’t talk about it. What I’m wondering is, is that enough? Because what I really wanted to tell her was, Hey, you just scratched me for no reason. Ouch! Why’d you do that?
Janet Lansbury: That’s fine. Yeah, definitely you want to say, “Ooh, no, I’m not going to let you do that.” Putting your hand up. You didn’t see me right now, but as soon as I said it, I was putting my hand up. And maybe if her hand is flailing around, I’m grabbing her hand. I mean, not hurting her, but I’m being very effective at not letting her hurt me. And it’s okay to be mad there and say, “Ouch, what are you doing? I don’t want you to do that.”
Parent: Okay. That’s where I haven’t understood fully your approach. I have been thinking this entire time that I cannot communicate any anger or annoyance with her because that’s shaming. So when that kind of thing happens, I’ve been very even-keeled, even a little forced, trying to be humorous about it or whatever, for fear of shaming and coming across as, I don’t know, reprimanding. But on the inside, yeah, I am annoyed and I am a little angry and I’m like, Hey, what the heck? Why’d you just do that? And so when she scratched me the other day, that’s kind of what I wanted to say, but I didn’t. I was like, “I don’t want you to do that. Here’s your elephant if you want to scratch.” Just very matter-of-fact. And that was my question in my letter. I feel like it would be teaching her more if I were to get a little upset when I feel a little upset.
Janet Lansbury: So even the title of my podcast, Unruffled, it’s about with the tantrums, let’s say, that you see this as normal and okay, that this is what your girl does. And from there, you actually feel unruffled. Our insides always have to match our outsides. And children like her that are perceptive, as most of them are, and so sensitive to your feelings, it makes her want to hit again when the way you’re acting on the outside is not matching what she knows that you’re feeling or senses that you’re feeling underneath. She doesn’t know exactly what you’re feeling, but she’s sensing the vibrations, and then you’re kind of choking it and saying something else and maybe even being pretend-light about it when you don’t feel like that.
What I’m putting forward, what I’m trying to teach—and you’re not going to be there right away, it’s going to take a little while—but a way to actually understand the way your particular child is, so you’re not getting taken aback by everything that they do. So yeah, if she’s doing that stuff, have an honest reaction. That’s not shaming at all, that’s honest. That’s her saying, Oh, mom is in there. I felt her in there, but she’s got this mask on her face. And that is another way that children feel uncomfortable in the house, because it’s scary that there’s something going on there that’s not being said. There’s just these undertones that are scary. So that affects children’s general sense of comfort too.
You don’t seem like the type of person that’s going to be, “You’re the worst child in the world!” I mean, that’s what shaming is. “How could you do such a thing? You’re a terrible person.” I mean, putting you in the room with the door locked is shaming. I’m not saying that would always affect your relationship with your mother, but it affects your feelings about yourself. And maybe that’s where some of that anger is. If there’s shame in there that you feel like you don’t have a right to talk back or be angry or any of that. But that’s shaming, not being your honest self in a very reasonable way: “Why the heck are you hitting me? Ouch, that hurts. Cut it out.” I should give more examples like that, I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve let you down here, that you haven’t gotten that from me.
Parent: No, I’m sure you have communicated it. Like I said, it’s so hard to make this huge mental shift and to fully get, because it’s just a very nuanced approach. I’ve gone through your No Bad Kids. Well, I’ve gone through the book twice and I’ve gone through your program twice.
Janet Lansbury: Really? You took the course? Oh, thank you.
Parent: I did. Yes, I did. And I’ve gone through it twice. I went through it when it came out and then again when my daughter was born. In preparation for, because I knew we’re probably going to be dealing with some increased behaviors, and even the second time I went through it, I’m like, oh my gosh, there’s so much here that just went in one ear and out the other. Because it’s just so much to absorb, it’s a whole mental shift.
And that’s another thing I’m afraid of. I’m afraid this is such a nuanced approach that if I get one thing wrong, is the whole system going to come toppling down? If I’m good in this area, but I’m bad in this area, especially the boundary-setting and stuff, am I going to become a permissive parent? Is my kid going to grow up to be—like I said, the stuff that’s being said about Gen Alpha right now is terrible and a lot of what teachers are talking about right now. And I used to be a teacher, I taught middle school, and I even saw it then. But I don’t know, there are just a lot of kids who aren’t motivated, who disregard authority, they don’t care about rules. They’re demanding, they’re entitled, they lack self-discipline.
That was my whole fear, that I was sliding into permissiveness and I wasn’t dealing with these behaviors well enough, I wasn’t fully getting this approach. And my life is like the intro to an episode of Super Nanny where the kids are totally out of control and Super Nanny’s watching the tape, and she’s like, “This is crazy. These parents have no control. What are they doing?” And sometimes I feel that way and it makes me really worry.
But I feel so much better after talking to you because it just clarified for me that I am going in the right direction with this stuff. As you say in almost every single one of your podcasts, I just need to lean into the feelings more, to fully accept them and welcome them. I know you say “roll out the red carpet” all the time, and I don’t know why it still doesn’t click for me. I don’t know.
Janet Lansbury: Well, it’s very, very challenging. But I just want to say, there’s not good or bad ways to do this. There’s ways that are going to feel better to you and the more you get into believing in yourself.
So when I talk about relationships, it’s not just, Oh, we’re making this perfect relationship for our child. It’s about us, too. That we’re being ourselves, that we’re being honest, that we’re having personal boundaries. Which is a lot of the problem, if we want to talk about maybe kids today, how they’re turning out, it’s that the parent can’t say no. And when I say roll out the red carpet, roll out the red carpet and then let go of it. Let them do it, don’t try to get involved. We’re not trying to hold their hand and help them or do something about it. It’s just letting the flow of feelings go on and you realizing this is just the way she is right now, and it’s okay.
Start to see the beginnings of it and instead of wanting to stop it, want it to just go. Because it’ll be much shorter if you have this attitude, I promise. Each one of these episodes will be much, much shorter when you really feel totally okay about it. Not great about it, you don’t love it, but you feel okay about it. That you’re doing the right thing, that you’re actually being a hero right there. And you’re being a hero when you just grab everything and get her out of the party, not letting her build up and start to hurt you or whatever.
And also, don’t let her kick you on the diaper table. Take her right down. Is she on a table still? Is she standing up on the floor or how is she?
Parent: No, we’ve got a mat on the floor right now.
Janet Lansbury: Well just do your best, put her back on and say, “Get up. Oh no, I’m not letting you kick me. No way.” Be good to yourself. Be protective of yourself. Be nice to yourself. Don’t let somebody mess with you, that’s two years old or any age. You deserve to be respected in that way, and she will learn that if you believe in it, if you believe in yourself. If you allow that conflict of her not getting what she wants and going all the way off to some wild extreme about it, you’ve done your job. Which is to be clear, have boundaries. Teach her the lessons that way just through the day-to-day together, and she’ll learn things like that things crack, that we don’t control a lot of stuff. And aah, it feels like the end of the world, right? That’s okay for you to feel like that because it’s not really just about a cracker, it’s not really just about a diaper cream. It’s just the feelings that I have at age two, and it’s so scary.
But you can be the stabilizing factor here if you stick up for yourself and believe in yourself as worthy. I mean, that’s the trek that I had to go for myself, to see that it’s not as loving to her for me to try to help her avoid feeling all the things. It’s loving if I’m strict—I feel I’m very, very strict. I know some people don’t think that of my approach, but it feels very, very strict to me. Because I don’t let kids run around the store, I don’t let kids run around with food. If they have something like that, I take it away. Not angrily, but from a place of heroic leadership. That’s how I’ve come to see this.
And that feels good when you’re in those grooves, even if it’s just a flash here and there. Try to hold onto that and remember that feeling, because that’s where you want to keep landing. But in the meantime, there’s no good or bad or anything else. It’s just what’s in a groove that you want to be in, which is this confident, heroic leader that lets her have her side and be in conflict with you a lot and be in conflict with life a lot. Conflict is good. You don’t try to fix her. You let her be fully who she is.
Parent: Yeah. Oh man, thank you. I’ll definitely be listening to this podcast next time I need more encouragement.
Janet Lansbury: And I think that if you already own the course, if you go back to that again, just trying to see it, that it’s as much about us being in the relationship as it is about responding to our kids. And it just becomes the way that we see. You are already getting glimpses of this. When you left that party, I just wanted you to do it right away with that heroic mode. And if the lady walks up like, Bye, here we go. And she’s not going to get a chance to do her shtick.
Parent: Yeah, that’s just a really good reminder in that relationship piece. I think a lot of parents probably forget about themselves being a piece of that as well. And oh man, I do a lot. And I had this epiphany as you were saying, that that’s what’s going to teach her how to treat other people or not treat other people.
Janet Lansbury: 100%!
Parent: Yeah, that just clicked. I just clicked.
Janet Lansbury: You represent every other person in her life, especially authority figures, but also peers, everybody. You are representing all those people. That’s why this relationship is so important, and that’s why you getting to take care of you in this relationship is so important. Because if you don’t show her this, then it’s going to be much harder for her to learn it. You’re this powerful model that can show her, No, you don’t get to hit people. Are you kidding me? You want me to do this now? I’m not going to do it now. I’ll tell you when I’m ready to do it. It’ll be soon. If that makes you fall apart, then you needed to fall apart. It’s not my fault. You know you love her and she knows it too. You don’t have to prove it to her with making nice about everything. Feelings are not this precious, delicate thing. They’re a strong, healthy thing that we all have.
Parent: I’ve definitely been treating her feelings as delicate. I’ve been focusing on them too much.
Janet Lansbury: Yes. I think that’s the kind of extremism that could be happening now with social media. You’re hearing it from so many angles and it just builds up into this huge thing, that whenever our child has feelings at some opportunity, we have to drop everything and be captive to this moment. And no, I mean, you’re never going to survive that with a girl like her.
Parent: That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking. I’m like, I don’t know if I could do this.
Janet Lansbury: You can’t, because you’re not supposed to. And she wants you not to. To just have her be a little girl that just falls apart so much and you’re okay with it. That’s what accepting feelings is. You’re okay with it.
Parent: Yes, and honestly, after this conversation, believe it or not, I am so excited tomorrow to practice fully being okay with it, fully accepting her. I’m ready.
Janet Lansbury: Good. Well, check in with me and let me know how it’s going, please.
Parent: Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much. This was so helpful, and I am so thrilled that I got to talk to you. You’ve been like my north star for my entire parenting journey. All your work. I can’t express enough how much of a fan I am.
Janet Lansbury: Oh, that’s so kind of you. Thank you so much. And I believe in you, and I know you can do this, so please check in with me and let me know how it’s going.
Parent: Will do, will do. Thank you.
Janet Lansbury: Thank you.
