Children are innately driven to play, and the benefits are enormous. They’re also driven to seek our attention and connection, so how can we encourage our kids’ play without becoming their constant playmate? In this episode Janet dispels seven common misunderstandings that make the lifelong habit (and gift) of self-directed play much more challenging to foster. She suggests helpful alternatives that not only encourage play, but also bolster self-esteem and strengthen parent-child bonds.
Transcript of “The Scoop on Independent Play (And Myths That Get in the Way)”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
Today I want to talk about some of the common misconceptions that we can have about independent play. Most of us have heard by now that play is such an important aspect of a child’s development. It’s a tool for learning, it’s a tool for developing creativity, motor skills, social skills. And one of the things that children are naturally geared to do, they have an innate desire to do, is invent their play. That’s an experience that’s very rich and therapeutic for a child. And also, once it’s developed, it offers parents much-needed breaks in their day when they don’t have to be attentive to that child. It’s a gift that keeps giving, that we can start with our children as infants, actually.
A lot of people these days that I’m hearing from, they didn’t start it early, but they want their child to be able to do it now. And they’re finding that it’s challenging for different reasons that I’ll be getting into as I describe these common myths. Hopefully this podcast will help clear some things up and help you to get over any humps that you might have in terms of helping your child develop this incredible lifelong habit of enjoying being in their own company and inventing their own play, taking it as far as they want to go with it, uninterrupted, and all the various gifts that come with that. Some of these myths I’m going to be talking about are part of a piece that I wrote over a decade ago, but there are several new ones that are coming up in my world lately that I wanted to add to this.
Play myth number one: Independent play means leaving children alone. Someone asked me recently how do they know how much independent play to give a child versus interactive play. And I was able to say that independent play is interactive play. That’s the way that it’s developed and that’s the way that it continues to flourish. It isn’t something that we say, “You go do this on your own.” It’s something we enjoy with our child. It’s in the way that we play with our child from the beginning, ideally, but as soon as we want to get on board with this, we can.
What that means is that the opposite of independent play isn’t playing with our child. The opposite of independent play is dependent play, and that’s something that we can unwittingly foster without meaning to by the way that we play with our children. But we can also nurture independent play through the way that we play with our children. And that’s the way that I recommend, not only because it helps children to want to love this habit and play on their own and get all the gifts of it, but also because it’s much more interesting to us, when we get used to it, to experience what our child is into, how their mind is working, what they’re doing creatively and imaginatively, what kind of skills they’re building, where they are in their development in certain things, what their interests are, who they are. There’s so much to enjoy.
This is supposed to be a gift in our day. This is one of the big positives, that we get to have time once in a while to observe our child. But we’re not observing as these quiet, robotic people; we are observing as an engaged audience that’s totally interactive. But I’m taking my cues from my child, I’m allowing them to take the lead. Which is what Magda Gerber called allowing children to “be the scriptwriter, the director, and the actor in his own play.” That sounds easy maybe, but it is more of an art than a science in the way that we do this.
Not going with those impulses—which I have!—to say, “Oh, but look over there. You could use that,” or “What if you did it this way?” Putting in our own two cents. We get excited, right? And we have a lot of ideas. But the problem is that in this relationship with our child, no matter how old they are, we are more powerful. Our little idea can change the whole direction of their play. And that’s sometimes hard for us to remember as adults because we don’t think about how much power we have, how influential we are. Even with a child who seems to have a very strong will, we’re influencing them all the time. And that’s especially true with play.
So instead of contributing that way, what I recommend is interacting by waiting until your child makes an overture towards you. Looking at you while they’re playing something, making that eye contact, or saying something really loud that we can tell they want us to comment on. And that’s when we acknowledge, that’s the signal that our interaction is not going to be interruptive, but encouraging. Encouraging them that we’re into what they’re doing, we’re giving them our full attention—and that’s another point I’m going to get into a little bit—that we’re noticing that they did this certain thing with the ball or that they’re putting those things together a certain way. Or just that maybe we both heard a sound together that came from outside and has nothing to do with what they’re actually playing. Using those signals that children give us as cues to respond, that’s a way that we can ensure that we’re not taking over. That we are allowing them to lead, and that our interaction is truly supportive and empowering for them.
For parents who feel like that might not be enough, that my child needs more from me: Consider that gift of somebody’s full presence and attention and interest in you no matter what you’re doing. You could be doing nothing, just sitting there, but they still enjoy you as you are. You’re enough. You’re more than enough, you’re interesting. You’re holding their attention without trying to in any way. Most of us maybe didn’t get this from our parents, I don’t know. I don’t think I really did. There’s really nothing like that. There’s really no greater gift that we could give our child around play. So I would consider that.
The other thing that gets in our way is that—maybe because we’re thinking of independent play as this separate thing, and now when I’m playing with my child, we’re sort of together—we maybe tend to not realize that there’s a big difference to our child, even as an infant, between full attention and partial attention. Full attention is when we don’t have a phone anywhere near us or it’s off, we’re not going to be looking towards it, we’re not going to be hearing the text message and wanting to go read that. We are theirs for that moment in time, however long, it could be five minutes, seven minutes, 20 minutes. The amount of time doesn’t matter as much as the amount of attention that we’re willing to give our child. The messages in that are really, really important and so validating for their independent play, because key to this is them feeling, and us believing, that whatever they do or are not doing is enough.
One of the common reasons that children struggle to let go of the parent in this way and let them be a passive audience is that they’ve become accustomed to having to draw us in, needing to draw us in to be able to get our full attention, because otherwise they feel us distracted or not really there. That’s a message that we give children, without meaning to, that you need me to be playing with you in terms of I’m doing the characters with you and we’re both doing it together. You either have a choice of that or that I’m half there. And children will always choose our full attention, like anybody would. If we can give our full attention without contributing to play in any way other than as a responsive, interested party, then they get a whole different outlook on us and play, and they enjoy us being present but not actively participating.
And then we want to let them know the difference. Now I’m going to be reading my book or looking through this magazine or doing the dishes over here while you’re playing over there in your safe area. I’m still with you, but I’m not fully attentive. So that they can know the difference, we’re honest about it. They don’t have to wonder if they have to hold onto us longer or if we’re just going to disappear mentally or physically. Being clear and honest about that.
Parents often ask, how do we wean our child if they are maybe dependent on us to play? That’s going to come through all these myths that I’m going to share about. But in terms of our interaction during play, it’s having what I call a “soft boundary.” So when my child says, “Mom, bark like a dog!” I might respond, “What kind of voice should the dog have?” I’m bouncing the ball back to my child, instead of jumping in and barking. And then let’s say my child says, “Loud!” and I say, “Oh cool, show me!” And then if they still insist, “No, I want you to do it, you do it,” then we go ahead and we do it. We don’t make a big deal about that, because that’s just going to create more interest for our child in How are they going to react? and Where are they going to have boundaries? It’s too distracting for them, so just go ahead and do it. We’re doing our best to bounce the ball back, but we’re not insisting. That’s the difference between a soft boundary and a firm boundary.
There may be a point where it makes sense to also say, “A lot of times I do bark, I know, but I’ve realized that I’m more interested in how you do things, so I’m going to let you do it.” And then again, if they still insist, then go ahead and do it. Don’t make a big power struggle out of it, that’s the last thing we want to do.
Play myth number two: Some children can’t do it, and a baby couldn’t possibly do it. That is just not true! But what happens, especially with the baby, is that we have to believe first that they can, because especially with a baby, they’re taking their cues from us as to what their day should look like and what life is and who we are to them. So we have to offer the opportunities, and we offer the opportunities with an infant in their bassinet when we check them out first, when we observe. There’s that word again, “observe.” First so that we can see, Oh, they’re not even looking towards me and they’re engaged in something. They’re looking in a certain direction. They’re looking at the side of their bassinet, there’s a little pattern there. Allowing that to play out, not interrupting when we see them enjoying their world on their own terms. It’s kind of a precious thing that we want to encourage, ideally.
But again, if we didn’t do that and now we want our child to transition more into independent play, self-directed play, then it’s easy to believe that some children just can’t do it because they complain and they tell us no. And we might think, Oh well, my child can’t. And all these doubts come into our head, right? That they’re just too social and they’re just unable for whatever reason. Every child has this instinct. Even children in the most impoverished environments will find play. There’s no child that is incapable of this. But again, it has to start with us believing.
Play myth number three: If a baby cries when she’s placed down, or a toddler or preschooler complains loudly and consistently, they must not like playing. This goes back to number two. What often gets in our way is that we tend to overreact. I place my baby down and she’s crying and I pick her back up again, instead of talking to her, lying down there next to her if it’s in a floor space area or what I call a yes space, a safe area, put your arm around her. Ask her, “What’s going on? I hear you.” And also understand that your child will respond to something new that they’re not used to. That doesn’t mean that they’re rejecting it or they hate it or anything like that. It just means they might be saying, by crying, Wait a second, what happened here? You usually carry me around and now you’re putting me down. What does that mean? What’s that about? Actually talking with them about it. I know some people think that’s crazy, but try it. Calming yourself so that you don’t feel panicked about everything that your child communicates. And get closer. Lie down with them, put your arm around them, stroke them and ask, “What’s going on? You’re saying no to this?”
And if your child continues: “I’m going to pick you up,” but maybe stay sitting on the floor there instead of standing all the way up and moving them out of that space. So now they’re calmer in your arms, you’re giving them all of that stuff that they need, maybe, and they’ll let us know if that settles them. Then maybe we can try again, letting them know “I’m going to place you down.” Or they’re still crying and we realize, Oh gosh, maybe they need to go to bed or they’re gassy. We’ll get the answers if we open up the conversation, if we can try to be open to what’s going on instead of reacting. That will help.
The same goes with a child of any age. “Oh gosh, you don’t want me to go” wherever it is. Allowing them to share that with us and welcoming them to feel it. Trying not to be intimidated and worry, Oops, I’ve got to fix this! or This is bad! Instead, allowing children to share, wanting them to share, and also being sensitive to new situations that we might be asking them to face. Most children aren’t going to say, “Oh, okay, sure, I’ll try this!” There’s going to be a resistance period.
And then if you have a safe, enclosed place for your child, which I recommend, maybe set a boundary and say, “I’ll be back in a couple minutes. I’m just going to go do this thing.” Then come back, “Oh, you didn’t want me to go and that was not fun for you.” We’re being sensitive, we’re not going to go off for a long time, but we’re not going to let our child trap us with whatever they’re expressing. We’re going to want to understand it and welcome it. And yeah, if it’s something crucial, of course we’re going to stop everything and help them. But if it’s just complaining, that’s safe for them to feel.
Getting back to this point of saying they must not like playing. It’s not that they don’t like playing, they just aren’t used to it. And maybe we aren’t feeling confident about the situation and their right to say, No, I don’t like this. They’re allowed to have those opinions.
Another thing that happens is that sometimes parents will tell me that they place their child down and they immediately leave. Nobody likes to be dumped, right? Nobody likes to feel like they’re only in this play area when we’re dropping them off and then we’re going somewhere. So we want to spend time in that play area with them, doing what I said in the first part, that interactive, supportive, attentive time together. And then honestly telling our child that now we’re going to leave and this is when we’ll be back. Five minutes, two minutes, after I do this, that, and the other thing, it might not be about minutes. But being honest and clear with our child, never sneaking out. And not giving them that impression that this is a dumping place, because that puts a negative connotation on their play space. This is a space that most kids will learn to love. It’s their me place, it’s their me time.
Play myth number four: Play means that children have to be doing something that looks like play to us and that it’s up to us to get that going. Play can be a child sitting there watching us as we go about whatever we’re doing in their proximity. That kind of play, that thought that they’re having, whatever that is, is just as valid as building a tower or doing something that we can easily identify as play. So don’t have preconceived notions about play. And there’s nothing that children need us to do around it besides nurture it through our presence, when we’re available, and be clear and honest about when we’re not, welcoming them to share those feelings too. But it’s not our job to get a child to play. Nor is it possible, by the way. It’s a voluntary activity that children will naturally choose to do when they have that space and they’re free of the distractions of us and our wavering boundaries perhaps and all the other things that they get distracted by.
Play myth number five: Gated play areas are restrictive jails. This is one from my original piece from a decade ago. This is a connotation that people have, but it’s absolutely not true, unless we’re using it as a place to drop off and we’re never enjoying it with our child. That’s how children can get that impression. Or we have an open space that we only gate off when we’re leaving our child alone there. So when we’re in that space with our child, observing and interacting, then we want to try to remember to keep that gate closed as well. So that when a child is very young and we’re establishing that this is your play area, not that it’s sometimes open and then when I don’t want you to come out, I close it. That’s when children feel restricted. Children don’t perceive it that way when we don’t perceive it that way and when we don’t handle it that way, when we see this as a positive place to be together where you have my full attention sometimes.
Play myth number six: When children get frustrated or ask for help, they need us to fix the problem for them. This is kind of similar to what I was saying about when a baby complains when we first place them down, or a toddler doesn’t want us to leave: we don’t have to solve the problem. We can allow for the feelings. And this is true with any play activity that they’re engaging in in the play space while they’re playing. We want to do what I was saying earlier, which is bouncing that ball back. “Oh, where do you want to put that? What would you like to do?” And if our child is, again, used to us intervening more, we might want to make that a soft boundary, but as much as possible, I would hold on to I know I’ve helped you do this in the past, but I know you’ll do it when you want to, when you’re ready. I’m just here. I just want to see what you’re doing. Giving that kind of full attention, instead of being the fixer.
Children, if they had a choice, if they knew the difference, if they were able to experience both, they would much prefer the parent who allows them to go through all the frustration or whatever they feel with total support and attention and presence, instead of fixing. I know it’s tempting to fix situations because usually it takes us like two seconds, but go to the three levels of support that I’ve talked about—and I have a reel on this also on Instagram—where we’re allowing the frustration. We’re not intimidated by it or feel that this is something unhealthy for our child.
We’re going to first show our support through attention, give verbal support, maybe give a verbal direction. “Oh, maybe you could try turning it the other way.” And that is if the other parts aren’t working first, the other parts don’t seem to be enough, just our presence. Our child says, “Help me.” And we say, “Okay, I’m here.” “Help me do it.” “What are you doing? Oh, you’re putting that block on the other one. Where do you want it to go?” Or, “Which block do you want to put on the other one?” “No, you do it! You do it.” “Okay, I’ll do it. So you want me to put this right there?” So maybe I’m doing it, but I’m having that soft boundary. Not in a phony, tricky way where we’re trying to manipulate our child into doing something. In a natural way that just really believes that this is an activity that belongs to our child and we don’t want to interfere. We really believe in them, and we don’t want to get into their business. That’s really their stuff. We just want to get to be an audience to what they’re doing. So help in the smallest way possible.
Finally, play myth number seven: It’s our job to entertain and play with our children. Of course, this circles back to myth number one, that independent play means leaving children alone. So no, it’s not our job to entertain and play with our children in the typical sense of playing with, that we’re equal in our ideas and our participation in the play. I would definitely try to hang up your role, or at least wean yourself off of your role as entertainment director. That definitely is not our job. We can play with children in this much more affirming and enjoyable for us, and ultimately for our child as well, way.
So what is our job, if it’s not our job to entertain and play with our children? It’s our job to give our children periodic undivided attention during caregiving activities where they’re built for that, right? I’m being intimate with my child. I’m helping them get trust. I’m touching their body. I don’t want to do this silently or distractedly, right? I want to give my child the message that we’re doing something together here, because that fills them up with our attention and makes it easier for them to let go of us when we’re not available.
It’s also our job to be honest with them and believe in our right to say, “I’d love to play with you, but I can’t at this time,” or “I don’t want to at this time. Here’s when I can. And I’m really looking forward to that.” So giving our child that respect of honesty: When I’m in, I’m all in. And when I can’t, I’m always going to let you know. And you have a right to be mad or frustrated about that. I don’t expect you to accept that silently and happily.
It’s also our job to sensitively help them ease off of some of these dependencies. I believe that’s our job, some people might disagree that those dependencies on the parent playing with them is a problem. And if it’s not a problem in your life, it’s not a problem. For a lot of people, they find that they don’t really want to be playing as much as they’re playing, and there’s a lot of good reasons to wean ourselves off of that.
It’s our job to have utter belief in our kids as competent, capable people with a right to express their own frustrations and disappointments. Belief in our kids is what this all comes down to. That’s the beginning and the middle and the end of this area of self-directed play. There’s a lot of people that think and may tell you that, Oh, babies can’t possibly do this. Your toddler can’t do this. This certain type of child can’t do this. All children deserve to be able to develop this communion with self that they get through their self-directed independent play, and all kids deserve us to believe in them.
I hope some of that helps. We can do this.
