Starting a new school, going back to school, or starting daycare is one of the most challenging transitions for our kids—and us—at this early stage of their lives. It means a new routine, new caregivers and friends, and many unknowns. It’s normal for both parent and child to feel some trepidation, and it’s rare that our child will accept all the changes willingly or gracefully. Usually, we can expect some strong expression of feeling in the home either before, during, or after the transition—short fuses, prickliness, whining, crying, tantrums—and these feelings may linger for many months. For our part, as parents, it’s difficult not to feel guilty and question our decisions when our child seems so unsettled. Janet has three suggestions that can make this important time in our lives easier for all of us.
Transcript of “3 Ways to Calm Back-to-School Jitters”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
For many of us, it’s back-to-school time. Or maybe starting school for the first time, starting a childcare situation. This is a seasonal change and a time of transition for many families. And it can be a tricky time if our child doesn’t want to start that situation, if they’re having this rocky time letting go of us. And maybe we are having a hard time too. We’re having so many doubts, maybe, and worries. Transitions are scary, even for the most confident of us.
What can we do to make this easier? What can we do to make this flow better for our children, and therefore for us? Or maybe it’s really for us, and therefore for our children. Because our feelings always set the tone in the household. The adult’s feelings are what children are sensing, picking up on, using as a guide as to whether they’re okay or not. You may have heard me say here before that children can only be as comfortable as we are. That’s why this is about us as well as our children, and it’s about our children and how they affect us.
That said, I am going to offer some general thoughts as to how to deal with the jitters children are having around starting school or starting care or starting a new situation, or maybe just a new year at a school that they’re already very familiar with. Novelty is a lot more challenging for children than it is for us, because they don’t have this wealth of experience. They don’t have all the years of knowing, Okay, it feels weird at first, it’s kind of scary. But then you get used to it. They don’t have those frames of reference, or as many of them. It really can feel like stepping into something completely unknown, that their whole life is changing in a way. It’s harder for them to compartmentalize as well.
So here’s some general ideas for how to help. I’m going to focus on three overall guidelines that I recommend: expect, empower, and explore.
The first is: expect. What does that mean? A lot of you have heard me talk about it before. Our expectations—like I said, our feelings set the tone—and our expectations will very often decide our feelings in any given situation. It’s like if our child is in a situation where we expect them to be very polite and social, meeting new people, and then they’re not. Now we’re disappointed in our child, now we feel like maybe we’re failing as a parent. But if we recognize that children are very sensitive and open, that’s a beautiful thing about them. They don’t just come into the situation all cool and comfortable if somebody’s looking at them. It can feel very penetrating, if it’s an adult that they don’t know or a child that they don’t know. It takes them a lot more time to feel comfortable and to say things that feel vulnerable to them, like hello. Things that we take for granted because we have all the social graces, but our children are just learning. And when they say it, they really mean it. They’re saying it from the heart. Hello. Thank you. I’m sorry. All of these things.
If we could see that as a positive thing and not expect them to come into situations smoothly, then we’re going to be able to create the environment for them, the emotional environment, where we’re calm, where we’re not breathing down their neck or really feeling tense, which our child’s going to pick up on. Instead, we’re calm. And that’s actually setting them up to be able to surprise us and do things that we’ve been modeling for them for however many years or months that we’ve known them. And they have the courage to take those leaps to be vulnerable with somebody.
That’s just an example, but it sort of applies here too, in terms of starting a new school, starting a new care, where they have to get to know new people and feel comfortable with them. And it’s a process, right? It’s not something they’re just going to come in and do smoothly. So our expectations around starting something new.
You also hear me talk a lot here about transitions. Transitions can be extra hard for young children because, again, they don’t have those frames of reference. It’s new to them. They’re in such an enormous transition developmentally in their early years, or even all the way through adolescence. I mean, that’s a time when transitions are really hard too, because their whole identity feels like it’s shifting and shifting. Very young children are like that as well.
So what often happens is in the months or weeks before these transitions—and I remember this even with my children when they were getting ready to go to college, it was rocky. And I wasn’t able to always immediately connect it with, Oh, they’re grumpy and they’re moody and they’re extra-sensitive and emotional and not very polite to me because they’re trying to process what they’re about to do, this impending separation, and it’s huge for them. And that’s how children can often be towards the end of summer. Even if sometimes they’re excited, they’re going to go get new stuff for school or we’re showing them this place where they’re going to go to care and these other children, and maybe they’re even a little excited, but it’s still a lot for them to process. They’re not going to be at their best behavior, in other words, no matter how old they are.
Some people—like me!—as adults, we can relate to those feelings. Going to meet new people, going to present at a conference or talk in front of a bunch of people, go to a new place. For me, even getting on an airplane to go somewhere that I want to go, that’s just for fun: Ahh, okay, I’ve got to get on this plane! How’s it all going to work? Am I going to bring the right stuff? Am I going to do everything on time? It’s a feeling, and it doesn’t put me in the best frame of mind. And I am not as sensitive to stress and absorbent of everything around me as a very young child is, so I can imagine how much harder it must be for them.
The reason it’s important to understand that expectation—well, I guess it’s obvious—is that it’s going to help us to not take their behavior personally. To still have our personal boundaries and respond and set limits, but to understand, Okay, this isn’t something I’m doing wrong and my child isn’t a brat. This is a really big step for them, they are going through it. It may not seem so for me, but for them it is. And they’ll show us how big a step it is through their behavior.
I would also expect that they may be one step forward, two steps back in terms of wanting to do the new thing. Part of them really wants to, another part of them is saying, Whoa, no thanks! This is scary. Therefore, we don’t have to take this as some fact that they’re not ready or this isn’t the right place, all of those doubts that come into our mind naturally as parents. We can expect that there’s going to be a lot of fear there and rejection of the idea. And it may be even a moment-to-moment thing: Now they seem really excited. Oh, now they don’t want to go. With my expectations in order, I can hold myself separate from all of this. I can empathize, but I’m not going to be flopping around with them, feeling good when they’re feeling excited and feeling terrible when they’re not and saying no, they don’t want to go. I’m not going to get on that ship. I’m going to hold steady and anchored where I am. Let them go up and down and bounce all around, and I’ll be noticing, but not letting this rattle me. I’m being this safe person that my child can bounce all the different feelings they have off of, instead of somebody that’s wobbling around with them. That feels uncomfortable to a child, when we can’t be comfortable in our own point of view. If we have that bring it on! attitude, children move through it much faster. But if we’re, Uh-oh, everything’s wrong, and now I’m scared and I’m worried, now they’re stuck with us and absorbing our feelings as well, and it can go on a lot longer. So that’s what we don’t want to do.
Our expectations will set us up for success and to see clearly, to be aware of what’s going on. That’s such a gift. I don’t talk about that enough, that importance of having clarity on a situation because I expected it. I didn’t know exactly how it was going to look, but I expected it to be rocky, and it is.
The second guideline: empower. How do we empower our child to help them feel a little more on top of these transitions? A part of them, rather than just being swept by them. To have that healthy control.
One of the main ways to do that is to share with our child what we know about the situation and allow them to gradually become acquainted. I know that’s not always possible, but especially with young children in a childcare setting or a preschool, they need a gradual exposure to this new place or even the new classroom and the new teachers.
Because with very young children especially, they do best when the people that are caring for them, whether it’s a teacher or a childcare worker, that they are secondary attachment figures. And that’s something that John Bowlby talked about, that we as their parents are their primary attachment figure or figures, and, ideally, other people that are caring for them are, to them, secondary attachment figures. Not because we decided it, but because they are able to attach to those people. And it’s not with the depth that they attach to us, it’s a secondary attachment.
The best preschools and childcare centers will often have the teacher come for a home visit even, or at least have a slow, gradual process of transition for the child where first they go there with us, they get to meet that teacher, they get to see what’s going on. Maybe that happens a few times. So they get familiarity with that person, and then they also need to have familiarity with the place, also with the schedule of the day. So those are things that we can help our child with.
If this isn’t a situation where there’s a nice gradual transition, we can at least empower them by sharing with them at home. Maybe we have a picture of the teacher. This is your teacher. Here’s the place that you’re going to go. And then for all children, even older children going to grade school: Here’s what I know about the schedule of your day, what’s going to happen. I’ll take you, come in with you, maybe, if this is a preschool or childcare center. I’ll change your diaper before I leave. Have some ritual that you create with your child, a goodbye ritual. Help them to feel a part of this and make this as much as possible their own by giving them all that information.
Now, empowering them isn’t saying “You can do this!” and “We are going to have such a great time!” That actually isn’t as helpful. Because if we can see that from our child’s perspective: How do you know if I’m going to have a good time? And why do you have to say that? Why are you selling this to me? Maybe that’s because it’s not very good, and so you have to sell it to me. Children are reading us on those levels. They’re not consciously thinking those thoughts, but they’re intuiting the messages in what we’re saying at all times. The inconvenient thing about children is they really have our number that way.
So just give them some facts that they can hold onto. Or if you’re not exactly sure, some ideas. Well, it’s either going to be this or this. After you have lunch, from what they said, you’re going to have it in this area over here. Maybe you draw a little simple map or something, or you have a photo. And then after that, you’ll get to play outdoors in this area. Whatever you know. And if it’s with an older child, of course: This is this teacher. This is what your day’s going to be like. What kind of things do you want for lunch? Let’s figure that out together. Have fun with this. I mean, it’s a fun, creative activity to try to find ways that your child can feel a part of this experience, that they can make it their own.
And getting back to that expectation guideline, it’s okay if they say, “Well, I don’t want to do anything!” and “I don’t want to do this!” They’re going to go through their version of that. Some kids don’t, but a lot of kids do. Know that’s safe, and remember you expected it. “Okay, alright, well, if you want to talk about this, let me know because I’m interested. I’m interested in seeing how we can help you feel as comfortable as possible.”
One of the most empowering things when we’re scared or nervous about something is to do something generous. Maybe there’s a child that needs a ride to school, you can help that family that way. There’s a lot of programs about donating school supplies, backpacks, that kind of thing. If you’re blessed to be in the position to be able to do that, you could go with your child when they’re finding their stuff that they need, and you could ask them to pick out some backpacks to give away. Generosity and compassion for others will lift anybody’s spirit. Help your child to feel helpful in some way, because that can be extremely empowering.
The third and final guideline: explore. What I mean by explore is exploring the feelings your child is having around these changes.
With a very young child that might look like us saying, “Gosh, I see you really don’t want me to go. It’s so hard to let go of me. A lot of children feel that way, and I bet a lot of other children in your school feel that way.” I mean, this maybe sounds like it’s putting words into a young child’s mouth, but it’s just suggesting. It’s suggesting, especially if you see that your child seems to feel uneasy, suggesting that it might be some of these very common reasons. Not that we’re trying to dig in and make them answer us, but we’re putting it out there to explore. It helps them to kind of normalize instead of hold things in and feel like they’re the only one that feels this way. When we say things like, “Yeah, it’s hard to say goodbye and go to school. These people are different. You’re getting to know them, but you don’t know them that well. Are there children that you have a hard time playing with? All of those things can make it hard.”
And then when we offer solutions, trying to offer them from that exploratory place. Not like, “And now I’m going to give you the answer,” but just “I wonder if you could tell your teacher when you need a helping hand, when you’re uncomfortable. Maybe you can stand by them if you feel like you need to or they can help you find a way to play. But yeah, it is all this new stuff. And you must be so tired at the end of the day.”
That’s another thing, too, speaking of expectations. Your children are going to be very extra-tired at the end of the day. I remember feeling like I knew my children were settled in when they were the same at school as they were at home. Meaning they weren’t having such intense—I mean, once in a while—but they weren’t having intense come-downs when they came home and all these feelings that had built up. And sometimes that would take a few months for them to seem like they had made that healthy adjustment completely. Exploring is letting children know that that’s the way this can be, and I’m here for you. I understand.
With an older child, we can get a little more specific as to, “What is it that you’re most afraid of, what feels scariest?” And they say, “I don’t know if I’m going to have any of my friends in my class,” or something like that. “Yeah, that is going to be different, right? That’s going to be hard to have to maybe make some new friends or sit next to people that you don’t know that well.” Being that exploratory place for them, that safe exploratory place where children can figure it out. Oftentimes when we’ve figured out what’s the scariest or what we’re most worried about, that just takes some of the power out of that. That’s that “name it to tame it” that Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson talk about. Name it to tame it. This is what I’m really afraid of. Instead of this kind of murky feeling that feels like it’s all-encompassing. Oh, it’s really just that and that.
All these guidelines, but especially that last one, can be such a bonding experience and something we can practice with our children throughout their lives, even as adults. There’s nothing you can’t run by me. There’s nothing we can’t talk about. I’m not afraid to talk about this or that. The more we shine light on those fears or insecurities or feelings of disappointment or failure or frustration, anger, the less power those have and the closer our children are going to feel with us.
That’s where we get to be the brave ones. Because a lot of us—and I definitely used to be that way, and it still lingers—feel like, Oh no, if I say this or that could be hard or that this is scary or something, that’s just going to make my child feel like it is and make my child feel worse that I think it is too. And that’s not the case. We are showing our child that we don’t think it’s scary what they’re going through by not feeling like that ourselves. I mean, we have to really feel it. Our words aren’t going to communicate something like that. We are going to, because we’re modeling it, we’re feeling it. So we don’t need to say, “It’s okay to feel this, it’s okay to feel that.” We’re showing our child that it’s okay by us bringing it up and saying, “This is a possibility, right? Is this what’s going on?” It’s about our willingness to explore.
I really hope some of this helps. And I have some other podcasts I’ve done around these topics that have some specific questions from parents that I respond to, so check those out.
I’m wishing you as peaceful, comfortable, and joyful a transition as possible. Please be good to yourself. We can do this.
