Our child’s uncomfortable feelings can manifest in many ways, the most obvious being tantrums, meltdowns, or long lasting monsoonal crying jags. Often, those feelings are expressed in behaviors, sometimes aggressive. The two emails Janet addresses in this episode come from parents whose kids’ rocky moods and behaviors are persistent, no matter how much patience, love, and affection are offered. One parent writes: “Sometimes his feelings are too much for us. It’s hard when the entire day is ruined because you said no to a cookie at 7:00 AM.” Another mom says her 4-year-old has started spitting, biting, and hitting in pre-school. He’s recently acquired a baby brother, which explains a lot, but she says, “it would be easier if he was screaming and crying and having a meltdown. I can handle that, but when it comes out in a way that hurts others, I struggle.” Janet has several suggestions for these parents both in the way they are responding to their kids and in their perceptions of their respective storms.
Transcript of “Surviving a Storm of Emotions”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
Today I’m going to be responding to a couple of emails that I received. The first one, her subject line is “Surviving a Storm of Emotions.” The second note is also on that theme. This is a big topic, it’s an important topic. It’s one that’s been challenging for me personally as a parent, and it tends to be challenging for all of us. What if our child is going through uncomfortable feelings and it doesn’t seem to go away and it’s ruining our day? What do we do? I have a perspective on this that I have complete conviction in, actually, although it may not be everybody’s choice, and I’m going to describe it today.
Here’s the first note, “Surviving a Storm of Emotions”:
Hi, Janet-
I have an almost three-year-old whose emotions run our lives despite our best efforts not to let this happen. When he’s in a good mood, he is the sweetest, loveliest child. When he’s in a bad mood, our whole family braces ourselves and does whatever we can to make it through the storm. Sometimes he wakes up in a bad mood and sometimes he wakes up in a happy mood, but something triggers him. Often something small, like asking for a cookie for breakfast and being given a few other mom-approved options to choose from. Once he’s set off, it’s next to impossible to reset the day. He isn’t aggressive or destructive, but is genuinely beside himself. He’ll be in hysterics, telling me “I’m not happy, make me happy!” and “I need a hug!” on repeat for what feels like hours. I do, of course, give him hugs.
It’s as if the intensity of his own feelings are too much for him. Trying to fix it or distract him in any way only makes things worse. We really all just do need to ride out the storm. We try to stay calm and send the message that his feelings aren’t too much for us, that it’s okay to be upset sometimes, and that we love him very much no matter what mood he’s in. But sometimes his feelings are too much for us! It’s hard when the entire day is ruined because you said no to a cookie at 7:00 a.m.
This may be just normal toddler behavior, but I feel like we’re missing something. Any insight would be very much appreciated.
This parent is very insightful and she is right on track. I also love the analogy of the storm, because it really can help us understand our role in a child’s uncomfortable feelings. It is like dealing with a storm. So what do we do when there’s a storm? We keep ourselves safe. We know that it’s going to pass through, storms always do. We don’t try to stop it or fix it or push back on it in any way, right? It’s a natural force, so that’s just going to be a waste of our energy if we have that kind of agenda. We keep ourselves steady, we get on with our life as best we can, but we notice the storm and we know that it’s going to pass through at some point. We let go of it and just look out for ourselves and our loved ones. We keep everybody safe.
That analogy really works for the role that helps our children pass through these and helps us to, as this parent says, survive them. And more than survive them, we can even normalize them for ourselves. Have that little bit of emotional separateness that trusts that it’s okay, we’re not going to let it ruin our day. It’s going to pass, and then we’ll have some really great weather probably.
Now I want to talk about some specifics in the way this parent is handling these storms, which are, again, mostly right on track. She’s very insightful about everything, though there are some indicators that she’s not quite embracing the storm analogy as she could. She says the emotions run their lives. We wouldn’t let a storm or any kind of weather run our life. That’s something that we do have control over. We don’t have control over the storm, but we have control over how we let it in, how we feel responsible for it or impatient about it. And that doesn’t work with children any better than it works with an actual storm.
This parent says, “when he’s in a bad mood, our whole family braces ourselves and does whatever we can to make it through the storm.” When I hear this, it sounds like they’re out on a boat in the storm instead of safely in their home or in a sheltered place. I mean, this parent is right on, because she says, “I want to give the message that his feelings aren’t too much for us. But sometimes his feelings are too much for us!” She’s right-on about not wanting to give him that message, because that actually feeds into his feelings of overwhelm. It feeds into the storm when our child senses that we’re all bracing ourselves and we’re letting it run our lives. That’s way too much power for a child to feel. When you’re three years old and you feel like your feelings are making these adults have to brace themselves and it’s running their lives, that’s a scary feeling, right?
Then she says, “sometimes he wakes up in a bad mood and sometimes he wakes up in a happy mood, but something triggers him.” If we feel like the storm is so much our responsibility and it can run our lives, we’re going to be on pins and needles, right? Uh-oh, how’s he going to handle the cookie thing? Is this going to ruin our day? And that’s just such a precarious, uncomfortable place for these parents to be, and I’m sure on some level their child is reading that, the fragility of the cookie request. Obviously these parents don’t mean it that way, but it’s an investment that they’re making in his feelings that I want to encourage them to let go of completely. And that means knowing that if he goes on all day or for days like this, he’s safe, you’re safe. You’re not going to stop everything. You’re not going to let this infect your day.
Of course, we’re not going to have a great day when our child’s upset. Of course not. But we can put it in context and put it in perspective as a storm that needs to pass. We want to carry on. We notice it, we care about it, but we don’t allow ourselves to become victims to it. We recognize that it is really out of our control, that us saying yes to the cookie for breakfast would not have helped. There’s nothing we can do when children express like this. And in this case, I don’t know the particulars of what’s going on in this family’s life or why their son is going through this at this time, but I do believe that at least part of what he’s going through is this sense that he’s got so much power to dictate the happiness of his whole family. And that is scary and overwhelming, like I said.
She says, “once he’s set off, it’s next to impossible to reset the day.” Right. Once that storm has started, we can’t turn it off. In fact, we couldn’t turn it on or off to begin with. There was a reason for it. It happened, it’s natural, it’s healthy, it’s okay. He’s going through something right now, and a big part of it is probably the trepidation that these parents are signaling around him, trying to please him and the out-of-control feeling that we feel when we could let a storm take over. So I would let go of this idea of resetting the day. That’s not in our control, it’s not up to us. It won’t be helpful if we try to somehow make it better, make it shorter. And this parent really understands all that because she also says things that indicate she’s right there. I just want to encourage, encourage, encourage her in that direction of knowing, as she says, that “trying to fix it or distract him in any way only makes things worse.” Just let me share it, don’t try to stop the storm. Because when you try to stop the storm, you’re showing me that you don’t feel safe about it, that you can’t find a place of comfort. And I can’t control my storm. So that puts discomfort on top of discomfort and amplifies everything.
When he says, “I’m not happy, make me happy!” and “I need a hug!” on repeat for what feels like hours, and she says, “I do, of course, give him hugs.” Just reflect that back to him: “You’re not feeling happy right now,” if he can even hear that. “You want us to make you happy.” And we don’t need to explain ourselves there like, Well, we can’t or We don’t want to or whatever. Just reflecting back, that’s the safest thing and the easiest thing to remember when we’re in those situations, right? Because somebody can give you scripts, but all those words just go out the window. Reflecting only what he’s saying will be easier to remember. “You’re not happy, you want us to make you happy. And you need hugs.”
With hugs, either you’re totally available for it because you happen to be or you’re not. If this is truly going on all day or for hours: “You want hugs and I’d love to give you a hug” or “You want hugs. I’m not going to give you a hug right now, but in a bit I’ll give you a hug. When I’m done with this, or when I’m sitting down” or however it works for you. You’re not buying into that this is your job to fix what’s going on, to try to stop the storm. Because it’s like he’s grabbing out for things that aren’t going to help, that aren’t going to stop him. It has its own beginning, middle, and end. It has to run its course. See it that way. Relieve yourself of the responsibility so that this doesn’t run your life or ruin your day, and he doesn’t feel that from you, that he’s got all that power to upset everyone.
She says, “it’s as if the intensity of his own feelings are too much for him.” I feel the fear in that coming from this parent, I feel that she’s saying this is scary that he can’t handle his own feelings. Children that do go into these very dramatic storms, it does feel like too much for them, but we can be the ones to know that it’s not too much for them. When you are the storm, it all probably feels like too much. But he’s safe, he’s okay, he can handle it if you believe he can. With us just keeping him safe, co-regulating in that way, if you want to use that word. We feel safe about this. We empathize with you, but we’re not in the storm ourselves just riding along and hoping it’s going to pass. That’s the feeling that we don’t want him to have because that’s the feeling that he really is unsafe and he really can’t handle this. Through our actions—not words, I wouldn’t say the words—but through our actions and through our beliefs, our actions will come from our beliefs. We know that he can handle it because we’ve seen him handle it actually. If we believe that he can, he will believe that he can. And then he’ll still get upset, but it won’t be quite as scary.
She says, “we really all just do need to ride out the storm.” So we’re not going to get out there in a boat and ride the storm. We’re going to stay put, get some distance from it. It doesn’t need to be physical distance, but knowing that we’re separate from the storm, we’re not riding it. We are anchored in ourselves. And we’re not even waiting it out. We’re noticing it, we empathize with our child: “You’re still feeling this. Yeah, everything feels terrible today. You’re really having a rough one.” We’re not going to go on this ride ourselves, because then children don’t have that support that they need and that sense of safety. We try to stay calm and send the message that his feelings aren’t too much for us, that it’s okay to be upset sometimes, and that we love him very much no matter what mood he’s in.
She says, “but sometimes his feelings are too much for us!” And that’s something to look at, how you can reframe this and understand the way young children, especially, express feelings so that you can know that you are safe. He is safe, you are safe. Everything that’s going on here is okay and you can handle it. It will pass, in the perfect time for it to pass.
And I really don’t know how to convince these parents that this doesn’t need to be too much for them, but usually that comes from us looking at where we’re getting caught up, what are we doubting in him or in ourselves? So not getting into a guilt place of like, Oh, I might be feeding into this because we’re not comfortable, but really looking at what’s getting in your way, what you’re seeing there. Part of this may be worrying that it’s too much for him. It’s not too much for him. And we don’t have to try so hard to send the message that his feelings aren’t too much for us when we actually believe it ourselves. So what’s getting in the way of us believing that he’s a young child with low impulse control and a low threshold for dysregulation? Maybe there are some things in the environment generally that we can look at to help him feel more on top of things.
But when he’s actually going into the storm like that, he has a reason and it’s okay for him to go there. And to know that we really do believe it’s okay for him to be upset, that it’s okay for him to go there. We’re not afraid of him going there and that we do love him very much. We don’t have to say those things to him. We’ll love him very much no matter what mood he’s in by putting that mood and those feelings into perspective as this overwhelming thing that comes over him, that really has nothing to do with us and all to do with his process. And that it’s important that he can share it with us, and us to be safe and anchored in ourselves.
And she said, “it’s hard when the entire day is ruined because you said no to a cookie at 7:00 a.m.” It feels like she’s almost blaming herself for this happening. And absolutely not, it’s not about the cookie. There’s no way this is about any small, specific thing like that, no way. By having that reasonable boundary around the cookie, we helped him to tap in to something he needs to go through. I know it’s so hard to see our children upset. I get it, I still feel that way and my kids are adults. I never want anyone I love to be upset or even anyone I like to be upset, but that’s life and it’s healthy. I hope that helps this parent reframe this a little bit.
Now I have a different note, and her subject line is: “When Emotions Come Out Physically.” I love the descriptiveness of these:
Hi, Janet-
My four-year-old, as of two weeks ago, has been getting in trouble at daycare for biting, hitting, scratching, and sometimes spitting. We suspect a lot of this surrounds the addition of his brother, now 20 months. He absolutely loves and adores him one minute and then hurts him for apparently no reason the next. Lately when he is aggressive, he does this through pretend play. He’s a cheetah, a dinosaur, a crocodile, or a bad guy. He’s fixated on being a bad guy, something he obviously has picked up from playing with friends at school. I’m struggling with how to react to his pretend play when it becomes aggressive and when he starts talking about being a bad guy or killing something.
I know this is his way of processing and sharing his feelings, but it would be easier if he was screaming and crying and having a meltdown. I can handle that, but when it comes out in a way that hurts others, I struggle. I’m really trying not to project my adult feelings onto it as well, since we very consciously don’t allow shows with any type of fighting or villains. But I can’t keep letting his poor younger brother or the kids at school get attacked by a wild animal. When I ask him why he hurt someone, he might say, “Because I was a cheetah and cheetahs bite people.” How do I and his teachers respond when we aren’t always there to stop the cheetah?
A follow-up question would be how to react when I pick him up at school after being told he had a bad day. Most recently, he spit in a teacher’s face and I was asked to come get him. I felt like they expected me to scold him or force him to apologize, but I never do forced apologies. I could see when I picked him up that he was embarrassed and I just held him and told him I missed him and that I was excited to spend the day with him. I’m struggling to find the right balance of boundaries and accountability, particularly in the school setting, and making sure he knows I love him no matter what and empathizing with how hard it has been to have a new brother.
I also empathize with how hard it is to have a room full of three- and four-year-olds, and I know his teachers want something “done” about it. He is in a class with 15 boys and every few months it seems like someone leaves and a new teacher comes in.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.
It’s interesting, right? This parent wishes that her child was just going through the storms that this other parent is having, but in this case, the storm is coming out physically, and also through his role play, through his imagination. So how can we help him with the behavior? But at the same time, what I recommend is to encourage him to have those fantasies so that he can process, as this parents says. Again, she knows everything that’s going on, just like the other parent. She just needs some encouragement in the direction that she’s already sensing that she wants to go in, I believe.
Those fantasies are really helpful for him in processing the situation. But there are other ways too, and I’ve talked about them in other episodes, in my articles on my website, helping children process this transition when they have a sibling. This parent already empathizes with that. Part of it is talking about it with him, which it sounds like she does, in a quieter moment. I would also talk to him about when he becomes these animals and therefore has these aggressive behaviors.
Just going back to the end of this note, she says, the follow-up question is “how to react when I pick him up at school after being told he had a bad day. He spit in a teacher’s face and I was asked to come get him.” The way to handle that is to seize this opportunity. Not to make him apologize and all that. If the teachers are seeing this as very intentional behavior, that’s a bit of a shame. It also sounds like they’re a little out of their depth in handling him, and maybe that’s because there’s too many children, maybe not enough adults, and maybe they don’t quite understand children when they’re going through things like this. But what I would do right there is say to the teacher, “I am so sorry this happened.”
Then when you’re relaxed together, after you’ve given him the hugs and said I miss you. I would be careful, it’s this very small detail, but she said, “I’m excited to see you.” When children are acting out in those ways like spitting and biting and hitting, it’s an overwhelming, kind of excited-in-a-not-very-positive-way feeling. It’s an uncomfortable kind of excitement and they’re trying to land it somewhere. So I would be careful about feeding into excitement right now. What helps children is to feel safe, calm, that you’re there, that you see them, that you don’t judge them, you’re not going to shame them. That you want to help them stop this behavior, though.
The way to help him stop the behavior is once you’ve left the school and you’re taking him off with the hugs and everything and seeing that he feels embarrassed—I love this parent’s connection with him—that you say something like, “How were you feeling when you spit at your teacher today? That must’ve been really uncomfortable. Was there something somebody said or did? What made you want to spit at her?” With that kind of I’m on your side and I really want to know attitude. I’m not forcing you to try to tell me, but I’m on your team here and I want to help you with these impulses. Not blame you or try to punish you or any of those things. That’s where the boundary is. It’s not green-lighting this in any way. It’s saying, This is an issue. You know this isn’t helping you to be able to be at school right now. Let’s understand, so I can help you or maybe your teachers can help you to feel more comfortable, so you don’t do that. That kind of dialogue with him.
As a four-year-old, there is more that he can express than a two-year-old. And even if he doesn’t express it, just to hear and get that vibe that they’re on my side here, they’re trying to help me, not punish me. So much relief comes from that. Maybe this parent is already giving him that, but more of that and more of understanding, I know it’s so tough with your brother and he just gets on your nerves sometimes, right? It’s hard. He takes a lot of my attention when we’re together. What can I do? What kind of plans can you and I make to get through this? I know you do love him sometimes, but sometimes he just winds you up. Can you let me know? Can you say, “Mom, help!”? I will come help you. And then if it’s too late because the cheetah already took over, let me know and we’ll make a plan for next time.
The fantasy part can actually help him process without doing the behavior. I would try to see it that way and want to understand these feelings that he has. “What does it feel like to be that cheetah? Does it feel out of control and you just want to bite? Are you biting because you’re mad?” Those are all things we can help him with by staying on his side.
I will say that, since it seems like this daycare staff is having a hard time with the feelings that he’s going through right now and the behaviors, the way they’re coming out, I don’t know if it can work for this parent to take a little time out of that setting. That may not be possible, but that would be ideal because he’s showing when these incidents happen that he’s feeling unsafe there. He’s feeling excitable in an uncomfortable way, that’s what those behaviors mean. And it sounds like they may not be acting safe with him around it, that the adults are feeling overwhelmed and blaming him maybe. That is just not going to help him right now. But if that’s what he has to do, we can still be that person for him at home.
I really don’t recommend doing that much different from what this parent is already doing, because she does understand him. Except the part about saying he’s a bad guy, saying he’s going to kill something. Talking about hurting somebody, that is actually really, really positive and a gift that he’s giving you. When children say, “I’m going to hurt somebody,” they’re telling us so they don’t do it, actually. If we can respond with, “Wow, you really want to hurt him, you’re that mad. You just didn’t like what happened there! What does that feel like? What’s going on with you? What can we do to help you? When you feel like that, that’s got to be really uncomfortable.” Connecting with him there. And then maybe even, “Thank you for letting me know so I can help you move away when you want to do that with your brother. I always want to know. I always want you to tell me all those things, even if they’re really scary things. Especially if they’re really scary things you’re going through.” I’m the one. And to be that one, again, we have to be unintimidated and unafraid of the fantasies. Really important.
This parent’s saying that she doesn’t consciously allow shows with any type of fighting or villains. That’s great, but children do pick this up from other kids. And those feelings of aggression are instinctive feelings that children have without seeing anyone behaving that way. It’s inside us. So she can trust that and definitely not blame herself for what he may be being exposed to.
She says, “When I ask him why he hurt someone, he might say, ‘Because I was a cheetah and cheetahs bite people.'” She said, “How do I and teachers respond when we aren’t always there to stop the cheetah?” Respond by understanding that was a whoops!, that the cheetah got out of control. And by bonding with the cheetah, bonding with all the sides of him, by accepting. That’s all that bonding really takes. It opens the door to bonding when we accept and are curious about how we can help. When he goes into that cheetah place, what does that feel like? “Ooh, we weren’t there to stop you that time.” We know that our child is already feeling bad about that. Like this parent said, he was embarrassed when she picked him up. So we don’t need to drum that into him. Just let him know, “Please let us know next time because we want to help keep you safe. And I know you didn’t want to hurt him. Even the cheetah didn’t want to hurt him.”
In both of these cases, being our child’s safe, anchored parent. And safe means our child doesn’t have the power to ruin our day or anyone’s day. Whatever a child’s feeling, even if it’s coming out strongly or harshly, is safe with us. And we understand that this feels out of your control and we know you’re going to pass through, in both these cases with these children. We’ll be your safely anchored parent. We’ll accept your feelings as they come. We’re not trying to fix them or talk you out of them. We wouldn’t judge you for them in any way. And we’re not trying to rush you. We want to understand and accept. I know this sounds challenging, but even taking a few steps in this direction can help to turn these situations around for us and therefore for our children.
There’s a lot more about this in my No Bad Kids Course, if you haven’t checked it out yet. I have a whole section about children’s emotions and all the different ways they come out and how to handle them.
I want to say thank you to both of these parents for sharing their stories. I believe in you. And thank you all for listening. I know we can do this.
