A toddler acting out is not shameful, nor is it behavior that needs punishing. It’s a cry for attention, a shout-out for sleep, or a call to action for firmer, more consistent limits. It is the push-pull of our toddler testing his burgeoning independence. He has the overwhelming impulse to step out of bounds, while also desperately needing to know he is securely reined in. There is no question that children need discipline. As infant expert Magda Gerber said, “Lack of discipline is not kindness, it is neglect.”
The key to healthy and effective discipline is our attitude. Toddlerhood is the perfect time to hone parenting skills that will provide the honest, direct, and compassionate leadership our children will depend on for years to come.
Here are some guidelines:
1) Begin with a predictable environment and realistic expectations. A predictable, daily routine enables a baby to anticipate what is expected of him. That is the beginning of discipline. Home is the ideal place for infants and toddlers to spend the majority of their day. Of course, we must take them with us to do errands sometimes, but we cannot expect a toddler’s best behavior at dinner parties, long afternoons at the mall, or when his days are loaded with scheduled activities.
2) Don’t be afraid, or take challenging behavior personally. When toddlers act out in my classes, the parents often worry that their child might be a brat, a bully, an aggressive kid. When parents project those fears, it can cause the child to internalize the negative personas, or at least pick up on the parent’s tension, which often exacerbates the behavior. Instead of labeling a child’s action, learn to nip the behavior in the bud by disallowing it nonchalantly. If your child throws a ball at your face, try not to get annoyed. He doesn’t do it because he dislikes you, and he’s not a bad child. He is asking you (toddler-style) for the limits that he needs and may not be getting.
3) Respond in the moment, calmly, like a CEO. Finding the right tone for setting limits can take a bit of practice. Lately, I’ve been encouraging parents that struggle with this to imagine they are a successful CEO and that their toddler is a respected underling. The CEO corrects the errors of others with confident, commanding efficiency. She doesn’t use an unsure, questioning tone, get angry or emotional. Our child needs to feel that we are not nervous about his behavior, or ambivalent about establishing rules. He finds comfort when we are effortlessly in charge.
Lectures, emotional reactions, scolding and punishments do not give our toddler the clarity he needs, and can create guilt and shame. A simple, matter-of-fact “I won’t let you do that. If you throw that again I will need to take it away” while blocking the behavior with our hands is the best response. But react immediately. Once the moment has passed, it is too late. Wait for the next one!
4) Speak in first person. Parents often get in the habit of calling themselves “mommy” or “daddy”. Toddlerhood is the time to change over into first person for the most honest, direct communication possible. Toddlers test boundaries to clarify the rules. When I say “Mommy doesn’t want Emma to hit the dog”, I’m not giving my child the direct (‘you’ and ‘me’) interaction she needs.
5) No time out. I always think of infant expert Magda Gerber asking in her grandmotherly Hungarian accent, “Time out of what? Time out of life?” Magda was a believer in straightforward, honest language between a parent and child. She didn’t believe in gimmicks like ‘time-out’ , especially to control a child’s behavior or punish him. If a child misbehaves in a public situation, the child is usually indicating he’s tired, losing control and needs to leave. Carrying a child to the car to go home, even if he kicks and screams, is the respectful way to handle the issue. Sometimes a child has a tantrum at home and needs to be taken to his room to flail and cry in our presence until he regains self-control. These are not punishments, but caring responses.
6) Consequences. A toddler learns discipline best when he experiences natural consequences for his behavior, rather than a disconnected punishment like time-out. If a child throws food, his or her mealtime is over. If a child refuses to get dressed, we don’t go to the park today. These parental responses appeal to a child’s sense of fairness. The child may still react negatively to the consequence, but he does not feel manipulated or shamed.
7) Don’t discipline a child for crying. Children need rules for behavior, but their emotional responses to the limits we set (or to anything else for that matter) should be allowed, even encouraged. Toddlerhood can be a time of intense, conflicting feelings. Children may need to express anger, frustration, confusion, exhaustion and disappointment, especially if they don’t get what they want because we’ve set a limit. A child needs the freedom to safely express his feelings without our judgment. He may need a pillow to punch — give him one.
8) Unconditional love. Withdrawing our affection as a form of discipline teaches a child that our love and support turns on a dime, evaporating because of his momentary misbehavior. How can that foster a sense of security? Alfie Kohn’s New York Times article, “When A Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do As I Say’,” explores the damage this kind of “conditional parenting” (recommended by experts like talk show host Phil McGraw and Jo Frost of “Supernanny”) causes, as the child grows to resent, distrust and dislike his parents, feel guilt, shame, and a lack of self-worth.
9) Spanking – NEVER. Most damaging of all to a relationship of trust are spankings. And spanking is a predictor of violent behavior. Time Magazine article, “The Long-Term Effects of Spanking” , by Alice Park, reports findings from a recent study: “the strongest evidence yet that children’s short-term response to spanking may make them act out more in the long run. Of the nearly 2,500 youngsters in the study, those who were spanked more frequently at age 3 were much more likely to be aggressive by age 5.”
Purposely inflicting pain on a child cannot be done with love. Sadly however, the child often learns to associate the two.
Loving our child does not mean keeping him happy all the time and avoiding power struggles. Often it is doing what feels hardest for us to do…saying “No” and meaning it.
Our children deserve our direct, honest responses so they can internalize ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, and develop the authentic self-discipline needed to respect and be respected by others. As Magda Gerber wrote in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, “The goal is inner-discipline, self-confidence and joy in the act of cooperation.”
This is groundbreaking post that inspired my bestselling book No Bad Kids and my new master course: nobadkidscourse.com!
Hi Janet,
I love your blog and share it with all my clients!
I have a question about the distinction between “withdrawal of affection” (eg time out) and not giving attention to negative behaviors.
In my experience, kids sometimes behave in a way they know is not appropriate because they want attention, even if it’s “negative”. Often, the parent getting flustered and yelling, or even trying to talk calmly to the child, exacerbates the situation. Same with tantrums – I usually recommend letting the child work it out on her own by walking away from her, and coming back when she’s done. No shame or guilt, or trying to force them to calm down, but not getting swept up in the “emotional tornado” either. Is this removal of affection and conditional response??
Do you believe there is a way to gently remove yourself from a situation, without removing affection?
I’d love to hear your thoughts! Thanks 🙂
Thanks, Devon! I agree that getting flustered and yelling is almost always counterproductive (and usually leads to more “negative” behaviors), so is doing anything besides allowing a child’s emotional explosion to run its course.
But I do not include tantrums as “negative behaviors”. In fact, I see them as positive releases for children’s pent up emotions. And the ideal way to handle them, in my opinion and experience, is staying present and calm and allowing them to run their course. I definitely agree that parents should not get swept up the “emotional tornadoes”, and if the only way for the parent to not get swept up is to leave, then they should do so. I do see that as removing support and affection, but that’s better than blowing up at the child.
I also agree with you that children sometimes seek negative attention. This is almost always the direct result of the way we’ve handled behaviors in the past (usually by either being too angry, harsh or punitive, or not setting a boundary, or giving in to the behavior, i.e., “okay, okay, you can have the candy”). Children will also seek negative attention when they don’t get enough positive attention.
If you give me something specific, I can tell you how I would handle it without giving a problem behavior too much attention.
Thanks for asking!
I have a 4 year old who is starting to really act out in so many diff ways.. I will Start By telling U a little about my raising and then maybe u can understand what I am going threw better..If u ask why I picked U to reply on is because I seen If u give me more specifics then I can tell u how I would handle it.. Excuess My Grammer,Spelling,Ext.. Its is Pretty Bad.. But i think U will be able to get Most of it 🙂 So Growing Up I was raised By my Grandparents, I had no bed time,No up time, No meal time, No Any time, I did what I wanted When I wanted. I guess U could say my grandmother was on my sed.. I would Yell From the top Of the stairs Granny I want Noddles..Her Reply ok give me a Min.. I need to go to store pic are tmorrow and i have no finger nail polish.. 10pm at night.. Ok get let me throw something on.. As we get there not only Did we get finger Nail polish But Candles Ext.. My point.. My Grandmother Years Later told me she was trying to Make up for Me not having My Parents Or Brokin Promises From them ”I will Pick u up at 5 never to show all Weekend.. So Granny and I hit the Mall The the Store.. ”Whatever” Or I would be Very upset and act ugly to anyone and everyone with No punishment at all. Because ”I had it so Bad” When looking back I had it made.. As A child I could not see that I had all the Love i needed I just wanted the Love i could Not have ot thought I deserved.. So on to My child Now.. In saying all That about Me I now do the same with my son. I am a single Mother Of a child who has Never meet his Father and that is for the best. U can not miss Someone u have never meet also He is Very unhealty.. He has Never ask nor does He want to be a part of his Life. I do not see My self Buying My Son things Because I feel Bad he is Not in his Life. So it is a little diff then My story in ways. I do It to make up for time not spent games not played, Books not finshed, No time I say, When I have way to much time. I look on pintrest to find things to do with him to never do but i have the best intentions. A day in our home because of my shift and because I still Have no Bed time Nor does He or wake up time or meal time Ext.. Is up a 12 him on computer for 1/2 hrs with utube. Me drinking My coffee Reading Parenting Mag’s To help My mothering. He Yells Mom I am hungery I jump and give him a apple or pop something in the toster because He is very pickie and will not eat it half the time. I eat nothing coffee is My meal… Cho Milk Is his.. In reading this as i type it I sound Like a Mother Who does Not need any child But I love him and would do anything for Him. I have started with limting Computer time. Us doing Pages Together in pre school Work book if more computer time is wanted it is earned.. He picks Nothing up, He Has a hard time playing/sharing with other Children.. All My child cares about is ”MORE” I know it is coming from utube he is a big fan of ummm almost everything. but he does not just want one he wants the whole colltion.. he has became very much all about things and not about relationships, He is starting to Hit and show angery towards Me, He is acting out… Yes I know attention is one reason. I am wondering How to start something/everything that should have started years ago. With my 4 year old. i know i have no excues but when u never had a mother its hard to know what to do/What not to do.. I do not think it is to late i just wonder how to change 100 things that need to be changed all at one time little by little and how to make it were i do not look like i am being mean.. Because that is what he has started saying now that I am seting rules, time limits, ext…. How to stop the buying means love… How to teach that giving is a good thing not anything to cry over u have 4 of the same thing.. ?? I am lost in motherhood.. i am siging myself and my son up for behavior therpy.. Somrthing i was just told about a few days ago they offer here at the mentel health place.. His behavior is not just off hte charts but me being a single mother of a boy I do not want him to think he Can run over me Ext.. I am a Woman How do I raise a boy into a man. I know nothing about being a Man.. i taught him to pee with a water gun in the shower ?? 🙂 ”Really” Maybe i think to much on A man needing to be in a boys life 4 him to turn out good/right..??? I pray for God to show me What to do and How to do it.. I never respond to anything like this on here because my spelling is so Bad and Grammer.. Tonight I thought what Can it hurt? Maybe I will Get some Good feed Back, Maybe I will get a Bunch of mothers Telling Me How Wrong I am for not starting all this sooner or maybe there is another Mother out there going threw the same thing and this will open up the door for another Mother to not be Ashamed to say I have no idea what i am doing or were to start. So i do nothing and keep looking for ideas that I never Put into Place. I bought all the books the Mags I repined Everything On pintrest. To Still not want to be the ”Mean Momma” Because of things that would be nothing to a toddler if done then but when It things that should have been done and u did not and u try and do it at 4 ”Wow” its a little Bit Trying… Some days I want to Cry Somedays I give in Just to get a Break From the crying of ”The toy takin away because of a punshment” or The Mom its my turn On the computer when he has been on it for 2 hr stright.. I can Go on and on… My parenting Sucks And I need Help From A Mother that had a Mother or a mother with some Wisdom from having children and Messing up and What they Would Of could OF or just any Advice u have.. Please Do not judge.. I did not add any good in here because i need Help with the bad.. We do Have Great days and we also Do have a loving Family.. Just Me as A Mother Need a little lift me up that things Can Be changed and I have not messed Him up for Life 🙂 He is Only 4 I am sure He will be fine.. But i do not have much time to waist… Thanks In advance… For your Reply..
Amanda, It’s good you are reaching out for help, and there’s not a quick solution, but you’re on the right track. Start out giving him 20 minutes of your undistracted, total attention everyday. Let him lead the play, whether it’s cars, superheroes, books, etc. Maybe give it a cute name like “It’s Mommy and Me Time!” No tv, phone, comp. etc. allowed during this special quality time. Next I would suggest you find a community church to attend with your son. One with other children his age so he can attend classes, while you attend church. Then look for role model women their, and ask them to take you under their wing to teach you, and help you. Having a good support system, and learning and growing about God will help both of you. I’ll pray for you too! 🙂 🙂
I just wanted to say, I think it’s really brave to have put this out there on a public forum. I think you should be proud of yourself.
I also think it’s clear from what you’ve said that you adore your son and you want what’s best for him. Better yet, you’re taking the time to figure out what that might be.
It’s not quick, it’s not easy, but that care and being deliberate in your actions and search, that counts for a hell of a lot.
So, I just wanted to take a minute to say kudos to you for taking the time to write this.
I just though I would add something that has worked well with all of my children thus far ( I have 4 between the ages of 8 and 3). Instead of telling them no I will remind them that what they are doing is inappropriate and that I expect better. I then ask them to choose between two different things, both of which are completely acceptable. For example if my son (3.5 years old) is banging on the table I will ask him if he wants to color at the table or go find his drum set and play with it instead. If he says no I simply remind him that the consequence will be a time to think about why he shouldn’t do it while I explain in a few short sentences what could happen. This usually involves asking him what he thinks will happen. I rarely have to do this twice. Because I am firm, take the time to help him understand the world he is trying to comprehend and give him alternative behaviors he (and all my children) respond positively. They feel they have some control over the situation and I am happy with either choice they decide on. It is a win/win.
I Also want to say I think you are really brave to post all of this. It takes a truly humble person to recognise their short comings and then an even more humble person to ask for help in such a public way. May God be with you as you work to help your family.
I just want to give you kudos for reaching out and asking the questions many people are afraid to ask. I hope you received some great suggestions from others on this feed. Keep asking questions, no matter how trivial they seem. Someone will always provide a good answer if you ask in the right place. Also remember, many people will judge and criticize, but take the information that works for you and leave the rest to whither away in cyber space!!
Jessica
Hi Amanda, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Every parent (whether they admit it or not) questions their parenting skills at one time or another. I have four children between the ages of 5 and sixteen. I was also a single mom for many years. I am thankful that I had parents who were good role models. I have listed some of my parenting techniques that work for our family, hopefully they will help you also!
1. Consistency-always follow through
2. A schedule-my children seem to be comforted to know that we have a routine we generally follow and they know what to expect. We are flexible with our schedule when it comes to sports, activities, holidays, etc.
3. Communication-let your child help plan activities, meals, projects. This helps with their self-esteem and lets them know their opinion is valued. As your child gets older it will be more difficult to have this open communication. Start as soon as possible.
4. Discipline-When your child misbehaves, take the time to explain the reasoning behind your expectations and the consequences for their actions. If you say “no” the answer will always be “no”. Do not waiver in your decision-be consistent.
5. Love your child, appreciate this time you have with them, they will be grown before you know it!
Thanks Janet for the article. Some really great advise that I am looking forward to sharing with the husband!! LOL
The issue of spanking is obviously a very touchy subject and I believe (personally) that as long as you provide a happy safe supportive and structured environment it is not my place to lay judgement. My social responsibility will be required in genuine cases of abuse … although I did like the comment “Lack of discipline is not kindness – it’s abuse”. (discipline comes from the greek word “to teach”).
As a note however shame is not necessarily a negative thing. In fact it is an important process of self regulation and demonstrates a level of self awareness. Shame is the awareness that a behaviour or action is inappropriate.
Thanks again! great simple read!
I do believe that there is a way to gently remove yourself from a situation without removing affection.
When my nephews are crying and screaming, I try to calmly talk to them and let them know I will talk to them when they calm down. If once they are calm, I ask them if they understand why they were in trouble and why I had to “punish” them. I make it a point to always talk to them once they are calm, and ALWAYS remind them that no matter what, I will Always Love them.
Often times, they may say they don’t like me anymore. My family gets mad and takes it personally, but I always say, That it is okay if they don’t like me but I will Always Love them. Usually, they come to me and apologize.
Boundries are important but I think it is just as important for the child to know that thier temporary behavior will not affect your longterm affection.
Devon, I agree. I believe it’s okay to say, I love you, but I’m not going to engage with you until you’re done having a tantrum. My daughter rejects me during her tantrums. I also find it easier to control my anger when I remove myself. Your relationship with your child should be secure enough so that she doesn’t think you don’t love her anymore if you say, I can’t be around your hysterics right now, and wait out of view to work with her when she’s done. My presence there, in my experience, only serves to exacerbate the fit and to frustrate me. I was raised by two psychologist parents who framed time-out as a way to gather yourself and collect your emotions alone so that you were not using them abusively towards others. I never felt that they didn’t love me.
My grandson follows behind screaming if we walk away from him.
What do you suggest for that?
Hi, I have an 18 month old that doesn’t behave at all. It’s really, very frustrating. I am only temporary living with my mother and she insists on spankings and yelling to get the point across…..and even with spankings and yelling “no..” he doesn’t behave. Is there a way to retract what we’ve already done? How do I get him to respect me, or even LISTEN to me when I am asking him or telling him not to do something.
Hi CM! That’s an awkward situation. I would make sure your tone isn’t asking, but calmly and firmly telling. You don’t need to earn his respect; you just need to demonstrate your authority as his parent. I would have specific consequences and expectations and follow through. I would reward any sign of good behavior/compliance heavily – very heavily. If you can, try not to yell or lecture, just briefly state your reason, the action, and the consequence. My best strategy with my toddler was to ignore temper tantrums and definitely don’t give in (my ex decided to not give my child a bath after his temper tantrum, and then I got a flurry of tantrums.)Kids will keep pushing and testing until they realize you are consistent and the boundary won’t move, so you won’t win in a day, but keep at it and you’ll see a difference.
Hi CM! “Even with spankings and yelling “no“… It’s not “even with”, it’s because of the spankings and yelling NO that your little guy is not listening to or respecting you. We are the teachers. And we can only teach true respect by respecting our children. So, the best way for you to “retract” this lack of respect is to apologize for the spankings and yelling and tell him that this will not happen again. Then, adopt respectful, human-being-to-human-being parenting practices like those I suggest in this post.
I have to disagree with this, not as a parent, but as a child who endured spankings. I was spanked and yet I have great respect for my parents. After one or two spankings, I knew I didn’t want another and I knew the consequences if I didn’t behave. I had a sister though, who would laugh through her spankings and my parents knew that wouldn’t work on her so she lost privileges when she misbehaved instead.
Kelly – with all respect, I don’t think you understand the way toddlers learn. When an 18-month-old child is hit by her parents, she is not feeling respect for them — she is feeling shock, pain and fear. Yes, there is a kind of respect (if you can call it that) that is derived from fear. The child believes her parents did the right thing because she was so bad or naughty and the child then internalizes this sense of “badness” (because it is nearly impossible for young children to see fault in their parents).
Parents, we can do so much better.
Instead of spanking, take children by the hand and show them what you would like them to do, or prevent them from doing what you don’t want them to do. Remind them a couple of times, knowing how impulsive little ones are, and they will learn very quickly. Then, their respect will be derived from love, a sense of fairness and a core belief in themselves as good.
toddlers need to feel the ‘pain’ sometimes when they do something bad, this teaches them what they shouldn’t do, sometimes just yelling or talking too them calmly wont be good enough. trust me when i say this, i know first hand what some children without this discipline turn out like.
I totally agree, i was ‘spanked’ when i was little and this taught me right from wrong, it is probably the most effective way of discipline.
Spanking only makes the kids afraid to do anything wrong in front of you. They don’t learn why you’re displeased with what they did or how they SHOULD be behaving. They’ll still misbehave but learn how to be sneaky about it…behind your back. I should know. I was spanked and it taught me to be sneaky AND it made me a very good liar.
I believe spanking usually is effective if done properly. Talk, calm down, spank, explain, love. Used for dangerous situations,ecspecially (sp), running away, touching knives,touching hot things etc. Should not be done often. I spanked my three children. They were spanked from around 3 till 10.
Wasn’t necessary then or effective I agree. They are 40, 35, and 28. Two spank, one doesn’t. She understood, not agreed, with my method. Only a few times would I have spanked her children, but I never would.
Yes, but you stopped the behaviour because you were afraid of getting another spanking, not because you knew what you were doing was not right. There’s a huge difference.
I want my children to behave because they know it’s the right thing to do, not because they’re afraid I’m going to hit them again.
I agree whole heartedly with your post. Adults fail to realize that children deserve and need respect.
This may be a silly question, but do you respect him? Children need respect before they are able to give it. Just because you are the parent doesn’t mean you automatically earn respect, even from an infant/toddler.
I know that sounds crazy, until I did a little research.
An example of respecting your child, do you speak calmly to him and tell him what you are about to do to him or do you just go over and hastely pick him up to change is diaper or feed him. How would you like it if you were laying or the floor and someone just comes out of nowhere and picks you up without any warning and starts shoving food in your mouth or changing your clothes. You probably wouldn’t like it. Well, neither do children.
Speak to your child calmly. Understand that he is not quite two and doesn’t have any particular motive in his behavior, but simply does nto know any better. Teach him and Model the behavior you want him to have rather than putting unrealistic expectations on him.
Good Luck and Stay Calm.
I am not one who believes in spanking as a form of punishment. But to state, “purposely inflicting pain on a child can not be done with love.” is a very in accurate statement. I take my child to get them their vaccines on purpose, this creates pain, I do this out of love. My mother gave me braces, and this created pain. I be live that sometimes the most loving things we can do for our children is allow them purposely, to suffer the pain of their decisions, even if we could prevent the pain. And there are times I think spanking is an appropriate teaching tool, not a punishment, but a tool. When the natural consequence is far worse than a speaking. I do not want to wait for a natural consequence to teach my two year old why we do not go in the street, or, touch the hot stove. I teach with love, give guidance, and do my best to have my children avoid these dangers, but when they do not listen, and do not understand, I think a spanking is appropriate. And if saved for these dangerous situations, then they will learn, that streets and stoves are dangerous, scary, and hurt. If we using spankings as punishments then there will be no difference between not sharing, and running in the middle of the road. But all in all there are times a loving parent will purposely allow their child to suffer pain, when the consequence of not suffering the pain now is far worse.
Charis, do you really compare a vaccination or braces to purposely inflicting pain as a supposed “learning” tool? You say you don’t believe in spanking as a form of punishment, but if you think “a spanking is appropriate”, then you obviously do believe in it as a form of punishment. Obviously one wouldn’t allow the natural consequence of a child getting injured… Do you truly not believe you can protect your child without inflicting pain? Do you think children are unable to learn from us without pain? Your point of view vastly underestimates the minds of children.
I too agree that physical punishment can be used effectively in disciplining a child, but it does need to be used with due consideration and in context, and never delivered in anger.
In my case, I give my child three warnings and then a smack, so she always has the opportunity to avoid physical punishment. A number of times she has very deliberately tested this invisible boundary by watching me curiously as she pinches my arm or touches the television screen, even as I tell her “Don’t do that – if I count to three you will get a smack”. I reserve physical punishment for important matters, such as stopping a dangerous activity when I say stop, or coming to me when I tell her to “come here”. And you most definitely can deliver a smack lovingly in the firm belief that you are acting in your child’s best interest. I especially take care to tell my child after a smack that I love her but I didn’t like her behaviour.
My child experiences consequences for her actions, yet I never shout at her, never tell her she’s naughty, never shame her, and never withdraw my affection and support. As a result, she is a joy to be with, and I am constantly complimented on her behaviour wherever I go.
This is the way I was raised by my mother and I can remember receiving smacks from her. Yet I was always sublimely secure in her love for me and confidently aware of exactly what behaviour was expected of me. I only hope that my child can be as secure and happy as I was, growing up.
I agree that sometimes you need to be stern and strict with your kids at times but I believe there are other ways to do this when it is necessary. It sounds like you’re doing a great job explaining what is acceptable and what is not, so I don’t understand the need for spanking. The message you are sending is “I am bigger than you so you will do as I say or feel the consequence.” That won’t hold forever. They will just build motivation and do worse things as teenagers. They will do those things behind your back and they will do them for the simple act of rebelling against you. I am sadly watching this happen between my sister-in-law and my niece. The young lady is doing anything she can to get on her mothers nerves. She still gets spanked, but after 14 years of this she doesn’t really seem to mind. Her parents won’t beat her badly (thank goodness) so she has learned to just take a spanking (it’s no more painful than a nose piercing after all) and take her revenge or control in other ways. Do you recommend they give her a beating at this point? Or should they start treating her with respect and explain to her why they don’t want her to make bad decisions? Choose a side because you really can’t do both successfully.
Hitting a 14 year old on a sexual region of the body to punish them is highly disturbing I’m completely against spanking, but it is even more troublesome when it is inflicted on an adolescent. I’m sure you’d like the avoid conflict, but for the well-being of your niece… maybe you should intervene. Maybe your brother or sister in law might think twice if they were exposed to research on the topic or read testimonials about the long term consequences that some people deal with from such treatment. I hope they haven’t permanently damaged their relationship with her and start treating her with the respect she deserves soon.
I think we need to find what works with each child. Like teachers who experience different learning styles, we will experience different discipline styles that work. Janet just because your kids respond well to your no spanking approach doesn’t mean everyones children will. I was spanked as a child, and the last time I was spanked I was 6 years old. However the worst punishment I endured growing up was when I had dissappointed my parents, they weren’t yelling just saddened by my actions. However, I never burned my little fingers on the stove because I knew it would hurt (spanking), I never stuck things in the light socket because I knew I would get hurt (spanking) and I never ran in the street and got ran over because it would hurt (spanking). My initial understanding told me I would get a spanking, but when I came to the understanding that it was because I would be hurt a spanking was very appropriate. I think it would be disingenuous of us to try to remove pain from our childrens lives to shore up their emotional well beings, when this world is going to be full of pain and disappointments. I think letting them endure pain, punishment, shame and guilt, isn’t wrong but even good, because it gives us the opportunity to teach them how to deal with those emotions appropiately.
Danielle, I’ve worked with hundreds of parents and toddlers for 19 years…and this approach has worked with every one of them. This isn’t just about my own 3 children.
I agree. All the times I remember being spanked, I remember knowing I had gotten myself into that trouble my not obeying the rules and getting lots of hugs afterward. My parents had a fantastic system for spanking. Stealing, lying, and physical violence against a peer (on purpose) were all met with spanking. Bad behavior of a less serious nature was never met with a consequence as serious. The part I appreciate most as an adult now is if my mother issued the spanking, my father was the one to administer the spanking and vise versa. That kept an angry parent from spanking out of emotion and helped us understand that our parents are a unit who worked together. There was always a question before to make sure we understood why this was happening and how to keep it from happening again. And there was ALWAYS a hug from BOTH parents afterward to make sure we knew we were loved and if they didn’t love us, they wouldn’t care enough to help us learn to be better people.
I agree with Charis on the view of spanking. I was spanked as a child and I will spank as a parent.
When used correctly and in love, spanking is a great form of correction. It teaches immediate consuquences for bad bahavior. Toddlers can not think through a problem or rationally think. Spankings teach that a specific behavior has a bad consuequence. While I don’t believe it should be used all the time or for normal everyday stuff, I believe it has its place and I will use it when I become a parent.
I was a stubbern kid and spankings taught me that there was consuequences for my actions. It did not teach me violence. Other methods would often not work with me so spankings were necessary. (Cause if I wanted my way, saying no would not deter me, nor would anything else)
I agree with you, Jonathan, that spanking is a great tool (when used properly) to teach children that there will always be a consequence. There will always be those instances where correcting, talking calmly, removing from situation ect will not always work and from my experience (with my 3 children) a spanking has been a last resort with great results. I was spanked as a child and no, I do not have severe long term damage. But, I feel as though people who try to discredit spanking have it confused with beating. If anyone is going to spank their child they need to know the limit and where to draw the line. I usually let my child know, once they have passed the point of any other discipline, how many pops they will receive. My husband and I also discuss any spanking punishments before hand just to make sure the other person is not going overboard with discipline. It gives us a chance to reflect on our children’s actions and make sure we are making the right decision.
The short answer about spanking is that research says that it does damage, teaches that violence is okay, and sets up a bad relationship with the child.
That is apart from how we think or feel about it. We all know that what we think or feel is subjective- do you like blue? Your grandmother is offended that gay people exist, but it doesn’t bother you. We used to put babies on their stomachs, now we know that that is not best and is correlated to SIDS. We used to use DDT on everything,now we don’t. Racism and slavery used to be considered normal, now they are not. Get beyond what you think you feel about your own childhood or what you think children should feel or think and read the research. Some is linked in the article above.
“The short answer about spanking is that research says that it does damage, teaches that violence is okay, and sets up a bad relationship with the child” This statement is UNTRUE. Naturally, we as human beings understand violence. Violence is NOT a learned behavior. Furthermore, “spanking” a child is not a method of just “inflicting pain” neither should it be confused with “beating” or “abusing” a child. With that being said, is spanking wrong? No. The actual question is, “when is a spanking appropriate?” The first thing parents should realize is you should NEVER spank a child while you are angry. The child should understand that he is receiving this spanking not because mommy or daddy is mad but because he did wrong.
Our children used to be successful adults who didn’t require their parents to write them excuse notes for their college classes. They could understand that although sportsmanship is important someone always wins and someone loses. Spanking is not beating.
Mary, I agree with you. People who spank obviously have not studied child psychology or development. The concept of “I am being spanked out of love because I did something wrong” is way beyond a toddler’s comprehension.
Think of it like this everyone. If my husband doesn’t listen to what I say or do what I want him to, I cannot haul off and smack him. It’s called domestic violence. If hitting your spouse is so bad (and it is!!) then why are you hitting a tiny person 1/4 your size???? Spanking says, I’ve tried explaining, you’re not listening and now I am going to hit you. If it’s not okay for adults to hit each other, and you tell your kids not to hit each other, why are people spanking. Talk about confusing!!! Children model behavior, and research shows 90% of children’s behavior comes directly from parents.
Yes, spanking gets results (so do other methods), and I’m not in therapy from being spanked as a kid, but I can do better than that. Spanking is hitting, hitting is violence and I do not want my children’s first encounter with violence to be from me.
Spanking teaches children that certain behaviors have consequences, and those consequences are to inflict pain. Intuitively I would guess this leads to your children thinking inflicting pain on others when they see a behavior they don’t like (a playmate stealing a toy, other toddlers not following their commands).
I have no kind words to say in support of spanking. I was not spanked as a child and I’m glad I wasn’t; I was allowed to experience real-world consequences to my behaviors. If you cannot come up with a better consequence than pain for a specific behavior I would encourage you to work or think harder to try to tie that behavior to a real-world consequence. If you can’t come up with anything, I would question whether that particular behavior is in need of correction. Or perhaps being spanked in the past has stifled your ability to connect real-world consequences to behavior.
Janet gives examples in this very article…if a child throws food, do not spank just end meal-time. If the child won’t put on shoes before going out to play, don’t spank then put on the shoes for them, just cancel the activity.
In fact, this is much more effective in developing a child’s ability to make choices later in life, by being able to evaluate real consequences. Imagine a college student pressured into doing drugs or binge drinking…what is the consequence there? Are you going to go out and spank them if they break your rules out of the home? You’d better, because you’ve damaged their ability to connect the real consequence to the action by substituting your own.
Consider the “grin and bear it” child who knows spanking will be the extent of the discipline and learns to happily suffer it and even enjoy the attention. How is that constructive?
Imagine the emotional harm that comes from being abused by the one who is supposed to keep you safe and secure. If you have a healthy relationship with your parents it is in spite of, not due to, the spanking.
I could go on and on. Spanking is a misguided at best and abusive at worst form of discipline. If you truly love your child take the time to administer natural, real-life consequences related to a behavior instead of spanking.
Eloquently said Kurt.
Are you serious? Intuitively guessing is all you’ve got going on.
So my question in response to this statement, “if a child throws food, do not spank just end meal-time”: wouldn’t it make it very simple for your child to just end any mealtime when they don’t want to eat by throwing food? How and since when has taking a meal from a child an acceptable reaction to bad behavior? Isn’t food a necessity?
Well said, Nade.
Nade and Brigitte, your responses stem from a lack of belief in children as capable, mindful people and a vast misunderstanding of child development. Don’t children deserve to be able to signal when they are done eating…or should they be force-fed until WE decide they are done?
YES, we should make it as simple as possible for our pre-verbal children to communicate with us.
Children are not capable, mindful people. They are essentially little cavemen that are not capable of complex cognitive thought yet. When they are upset or throwing a tantrum, you cannot sit down and have a conversation with them because their emotions override everything else. But what they do understand at this age is what is acceptable behavior and what is not, and trying to have a full blown adult conversation with them after they’ve thrown a fit is not going to work. They understand actions and small, single words like “NO”
You talk about not giving in to their bad behavior, but isn’t ending mealtime when they throw food doing just that?
I’m curious where your experience with toddlers comes from, and what studies you’ve personally done where these methods have worked.
I am not suggesting full-blown conversations or interrupting tantrums, which are very healthy expressions of emotion. Please read more carefully and then maybe we can talk. I’ve guided parents with toddlers for 19 years and the methods I suggest have helped many people. I can only wonder why you seem threatened by this information. And your views about children seem to be stuck in the stone age. You might want to read some of the studies done in the last 20 years.
We never spanked our child. When he started “trying out” tantrums as a young toddler, we would simply ignore him. He learned fast enough that that kind of behavior did not give him attention. Throwing/dropping food is also a call for attention. Keep cool, don’t make eye contact, don’t give a reaction, don’t give the food back. Take him down from the highchair, saying, “Well, I guess you’re done!” Don’t offer any fun snacks or treats until the next meal. Only offer treats after nice table behavior. They’ll learn very soon how things work around your house. Toddlers are very smart, they grasp natural consequences. I worked in an infant/toddler center and I can’t remember having any huge problem with the kids throwing their food.
I completely agree. When my children were younger, they know how many spankings they were going to get. They knew the procedure. Lying got two spankings, everything else got one. They had to go to their room to think about their actions and I would go in a few minutes. This gave me time to calm down if I was upset. THen I would go in and give them the spankings….they could tell me how many….they knew. As they cried, and sometimes I had tears too, I would hug them and tell them that I love them no matter what. However, I do also agree that a lot of “bad behavior” comes from a need that needs to be met, such as just being tired or hungry or what have you. Sometimes they just need to be hugged! Knowing the difference between a need and a child choosing to do something wrong is part of being a parent……and sometimes we’ll get it wrong.
I am against hitting a child out of angry, but I can understand the quick swat on the bottom to stop a situation. But I this somehow feels even more cruel. Sending your child to a room to think about how they have angered/disappointed you and making them wait for you to calm down. Then after everyone has regrouped you go in and ask them to tell you how many times you should hurt them? At that point couldn’t enforce a different punishment? Choosing to physically hurt your child after everyone involved has moved on is revenge.
I was never spanked as a child but my brother was. He was the second child. Even though I never “needed” a spanking I lived in terror of it, even before he was born and it started happening in my house. I saw it happen to my friends and I could not believe their parents would hurt them! We were taught everyday in school that hitting is wrong. And I find out that some people have PARENTS that do that? I misbehaved and I received groundings, lost my toys, and learned through other methods. My brother got spanked quite regularly and it never changed his before. It became a stress reliever for my parents when they were frustrated. My cousin was reguarly spanked by her parents for minor things and that scared the crap out of me. What if my aunt or uncle decided to hurt me? They went farther with the punishment though. They made her choose what weapon they would hit her with and made her pull her pants down to her ankles, for what seemed like extra humiliation and pain. I was just…horrified. To this day, I can’t look at my aunt and uncle without remembering that and respecting them a little less.
Hitting hurts. It hurts everyone. It hurts people you may not even realize are involved.
The only thing spanking teaches about immediate consequences is that you will hit your child if you are not happy with them. Imagine what would go through their mond if they accidently knocked over a vase or lamp or some such thing. Instead of coming to you and telling you what happened they would hide.
By the wayy, your terminology speaks volumes about your lack of respect for your children. It is very rare that a child needs ‘correction’ unless they have a some type of medical anomoly that needs rectifying. it is your parenting that actually needs correcting.
Toddlers think through problems every day if they have the opportunity to and they can think far more rationally than you obviously can.
being spanked as a kid did teach you violence as you are openly admitting to imparting violent punishments on your child.
A child will not respect you through fear, nor will they respect someone who does not respect them. You want respect from anyone you damn well earn it, not demand it and punish those who do not give it.
A child doesn’t need ‘correcting’ so that’s where your agument begins to fall apart. They need opportunities to learn from their experiences and that included from their mistakes, not by being punished for doing something you don’t like. All spankings ‘teach’ is that they will receive a painful blow or blows when you are unhappy with them. How is that teaching them anyhting other than to fear you.
And for the record, being spanked as a child did teach you violence as you admit you will use violence against your child.
Respect from your child or anyone else should be earned, not demanded.
A child does require correcting. They make decisions not based on logic or careful reasoning, they make decisions because they are selfish and want things done their way. As parents we are to correct that assumption that the world does NOT revolve around them.
“being spanked as a kid did teach you violence as you are openly admitting to imparting violent punishments on your child.”
Where are you coming up with this? Spanking is not a violent punishment. I was spanked and I am not scarred for life. I have great respect for my parents and live quite the responsible life BECAUSE of my spankings, not in spite of it.
totally agree with you there jonathan, i was also spanked as a young child, by the time i was a teenager i never needed spanking as i was a responsible child. it did not teach me to be violent, funnily enough a have seen that the more violent people in the world are the ones not spanked as children.
I sincerely hope that you never have children. To take the view that children make decisions that are not based on logic or reason is quite simply erroneous. The way that you present children in this post is alarming and massively underestimates their capabilities. You seem to view children as incomplete or as a member of a lower class of humanity. Children might seem selfish to you, who clearly does not understand child development very well, but they are not innately trying to manipulate people into doing things their way. They simply have not yet developed the ability to view things from the perspectives of others. Children will eventually learn that the world does not revolve around them by being exposed to caring, calm and respectful adults who model empathy, speak about their points of view and those of others, and ask questions about how others might feel. One thing I know for sure is that spanking will never teach a child these things.
LOL, when I was spanked because I did something my parents did not like it full well taught me that when my little sister did something I didn’t like I could spank HER! Of course I could! I was bigger than her wasn’t I? Didn’t that just make good sense, in my 4 year old mind? Only trouble was, I’d get another spanking for THAT! Talk about me being one confused kid!
I have to say, I disagree with a couple things here. Parents of the past few generations didn’t spank their children, like their parents did them and look around you. Children and teens are so, so much more disrespectful and bad than they were, say, 60 years ago. Parents today try to be child’s best friend rather than the parent! Spanking your child isn’t wrong and you shouldn’t make it seem wrong for the sake of not hurting their feelings. For one, you all are turning your children into whiny, sensitive, crybabies. And for two, when my dad spanked me as a child, I felt embarrased and I didn’t like knowing I had done something wrong that caused my dad to become angry with me- but that’s exactly why I didn’t do the same bad things twice; for the sake of wanting my dad to not have to be upset with me again. Now that I’m an adult with my own child, I can say my dad knew how to discipline.
Further, your suggestion to simply take a child out to the car or home when they become cranky is ridiculous. If I need to go to the grocery store and my daughter begins whinning over whatever it may be, I’m not simply going to drop what I’m doing to go to the car or home. How would ANYTHING ever be done?! I am the adult and she is the child. She does not dictate what we do, and especially not by whinning. She needs to know that’s not okay and I won’t tolerate tantrums. She shouldn’t think that “if I cry loud enough to embarrass my mom, we can go home.”
Are you saying that you would spank or hit your daughter in the store, Ashley?
*eyeroll*. Holy drama. I don’t agree AT ALL that spanking is a good idea. I refuse to do it because we really can’t know what each child interprets that punishment to mean. I have memories as a child of being spanked and being terrified. I was confused about whether my father loved me or not in that moment. I, personally, am all too glad that the research shows that it’s not a good idea to hit your kid whilst claiming that you love them. Let me be clear on that. BUT. Many of these parents (who choose to spank their children) pose some important questions. I, like Ashley, don’t want to drop whatever I’m doing whenever my daughter throws a fit. She’s been throwing quite a few lately, and we’re at our wit’s end. If I left every public place promptly whenever she decided to throw a tantrum, I’d be a recluse. There has to be a way to get the message across without letting your child decide what you will do with them. We’ve never hit or spanked our child, but sometimes a simple message of “no” just won’t cut it. My baby sister was similar to my own daughter. She threw epic fits into her teens–her TEENS–and no matter how anyone reacted, spanking or otherwise, she made sure to punish US and nothing would stick with her. She was left in my care one night and I placed her in her room when she was screaming blood curdling screams. She had thrown food and hurt a few of our family pets. 🙂 seriously. And then she had begun screaming so loud I was actually worried that I and the rest of the kids in the room would likely suffer hearing damage. I’m NOT kidding. After I placed her in her room, she promptly pulled her clothes dresser over on her leg, and proceeded to scratch her own face until she became bloody. She was 5. This wasn’t out of the ordinary for any given day or night. I’m being honest when I say that I watched my parents do the best they could with her. She’s in her 20’s now and still has scarring from all the times she harmed herself as a toddler. My point: I agree with you on the no spanking thing, but I think it’s safe to say, or at least I’d like to say for the whole of humanity, that most parents are doing their best and are just trying to find ways to both live out their lives AND teach their children. Some kids just don’t listen. So…I guess what I’m saying is, perhaps as the expert (you are some sort of child psychology or developmental specialist, I’m assuming) you could offer advise for Ashley’s situation? I can see posters getting into it about the article, but as both the expert and the blogger, shouldn’t you be here to ref and offer advice rather than dish out condescension? Just my two cents. We’re all here because we’re all trying to be better parents.
Guardgirl, I wasn’t being dramatic. I honestly wondered what Ashley believed to be the best action in these situations, since she clearly disagreed with my advice. And she clearly wasn’t asking my advice, but I have provided plenty of it in previous comments (especially the early comments…in which parents asked questions, rather than asserting their need to spank their children).
I, like Guardgirl above, am totally not going to spank my children. It is not a “tool” on my “list”, so I am pretty much just ignoring all the spanking love going on here. Still, Guardgirl has pointed out that there are very real situations where behavior is a problem, and natural consequences are not going to cut it. Lately, my son (2 1/2) has been running toward the street when I open the front door. He looks at me, smiles, and runs out there. At first I could just run, grab his hand and lead him to the car, but now that my daughter has been born I don’t have enough hands for everyone and everything and I NEED him to know that it’s dangerous to run toward the street. What to do? Yelling, grabbing, and speaking calmly and reasonably all result in a giggle. Often I can redirect his attention, but that isn’t a sure thing. Again, what do I do?
Also, I am not sure what to make of the advice to make sure that their needs are met, but then to engage in natural consequences that conflict with meeting those needs. My child gets hungry and cranky, I serve him food, he throws it, and I am supposed to end mealtime? One scenario that happens again and again with my son: he has lots of energy and asks endlessly to play with his friends. His needs for exercise and socialization are not being met. So I arrange a playdate at the park. He won’t put on his shoes/pants/coat or go to the potty. Your advice is to stay home. If I do that, the needs are still not met and the situation spirals further out of control. I know I am speaking somewhat desperately, but with a new baby and very little help I need to figure this stuff out, and gentle discipline articles like this one only take me so far. I’d really appreciate a discussion of these issues, as I think glossing over them leads to some of the unhelpful comments about physical discipline being important for times when nothing else works. What else works when you are really down to the wire and need to get something done with a toddler who is just being a toddler and exploring his ability to act on his own impulses?
I have a 18 month daughter and I’m now beginning to deal with these situations. I completely agree with you. I’m surrounded by friends that tell me that a “little spanking” would do no harm…but if kids learn by watching how we behave, how could I be agressive and still think this is the best way to educate? Now that I’m a parent I have the responsability of acting like an adult. Janet, thanks a lot for your advice!
Are you trying to shame Ashley, Janet?
Danielle, I find it interesting that you would perceive my response to Ashley as shaming. Since Ashley criticized my recommendation and strongly disagreed, I was curious to know what she was suggesting as an alternative:
“Your suggestion to simply take a child out to the car or home when they become cranky is ridiculous. If I need to go to the grocery store and my daughter begins whinning over whatever it may be, I’m not simply going to drop what I’m doing to go to the car or home. How would ANYTHING ever be done?! I am the adult and she is the child. She does not dictate what we do, and especially not by whinning. She needs to know that’s not okay and I won’t tolerate tantrums.”
Danielle, it seems that you have a judgmental attitude about spanking (and obviously percieve it as a ‘shameful’ thing to do) even though you are in favor of it.
Ashley, I completely agree with you! Kids need to know who is the boss. I was spanked as a kid & I’m actually glad I was. I knew at an early age that I wasn’t going to be able to throw a fit & get my way. I also knew that saying “no” to my parents or to any adult for that matter wasn’t going to be accepted. I think parents should find a happy medium.
I think it’s important an necessary to society to allow the questioning of authority. I would even go as far as to say that many of the worlds problems are allowed to continue because of peoples’ reluctance to question authority. Why would you want to destroy that in a child? If you are truly righteous you should not need to resort to hitting to prove your point.
If you “show a kid whose boss” by hurting them, you are not a parent, you are a bully or an abuser. I hate to call names, but this is the case in my opinion. I think parents should find another way to teach them right and wrong rather than subjecting them to something that is considered a crime in most cases. The parent is the boss, the adult, so they should act like it.
Krista. We need to teach children that it is absolutely ok to say no to parents or adults, if they ask you to do something that makes you feel scared or no good. And if this happens you need to tell mum/dad/someone you trust about it.
Abusers are most likely to be someone we as parents know and trust. If you’ve taught your child to do whatever an adult tells them, how are you teaching them to about personal safety?
How rude of you, to assume that since neither myself or my husband were spanked, that we are incapable parents.
My word, how narrow minded your view is Ashley. it’s so easy to blame the world’s ills on a reluctance to inflict pain on children. Spanking is nothing more than a display of power over a weaker individual and i could make broad, sweeping statements. All of History’s most villainous individuals have used violence to assert their dominance as was their experience growing up. Do you think Adolph Hitler, Idi Amin or Muammar Gaddafi would have been the same despots if they had been shown love and affection throughout their younger life?
“Do you think Adolph Hitler, Idi Amin or Muammar Gaddafi would have been the same despots if they had been shown love and affection throughout their younger life?” The similarity between these individuals is they did what they needed to do to have complete control. This is something a child will do also whether you show them love or not. Parents that love their children set guidelines and have methods to enforce their guidelines. Spanking is not the only tools but should be on the list of tools.
When my husband spanks my son, I always ask him: “Daddy, you tell me not to hit… So you’re going to punish me by hitting?” If something that would be an offense if the child did it is involved in the punishment, reevaluate your discipline techniques.
While it sounds like this would be a useful discussion to have with your spouse, I’m not sure how constructive it is to undermine your husband’s parenting in front of the kid before the two of you come to a consensus. Present a united front, and all that…
I agree I was spanked as a child, only for being extremely naughty and pushing my limits or regarding dangerous situations and I thank god I was. My mother is the most loving human being but she knew what I needed, when and how far to go, I now have a son and I know myself when things need to be taken to that point. And once he has calmed down and is willing to cooperate I award him for those actions with love and affection. As like what has been said above, not enough discipline has been given the last 20-30 years and now look at the teenagers of today! It’s disgusting how they think they can treat their parents/teachers etc.
i’m happy to report that I was not spanked or struck in anyway as a child and I turned out to be a very functional adult. Heck, I was one of the best behaved kids around.I know that the plural of anecdote does not equal a statistic, but I am living proof that children do not need to to be beaten or shamed into behaving. Kids want to do well in their parents eyes and if you facilitate a good loving trusting relationship from the begininng chances are they will be good kids and grow up to be productive members of society. hitting does not equal trust, ever. I want my kids behaving well out of love and respect for me and themselves not out of shame or threat of punishment, that does not teach them right from wrong.
I wasn’t spanked, and neither was my husband. Instead we were raised with a healthy fear of doing wrong, for the sake of being a good person, rather than because it might cause our parents to hit us. If your child throws a tantrum in the store, it’s because you didn’t plan your errands around their needs well enough. Sure, your schedule shouldn’t revolve around a toddler, but they do get tired, and bored, and they will act up if you don’t plan accordingly. Instead of hitting your child for your own mistake, why not try bringing them at a different time? Or better yet, going by yourself at a time when someone else can watch your child? Is it better to hit them than to lose an hour of ‘me time’?
Above all, if spanking worked you’d do it once and never have to do it again. Did your child learn to not act up in public the first time they got spanked for it? Or do you now have a routine of where you’re going to hide to do it? Did it ever occur to you to do a better job of supervising your two year old so that they don’t have a chance to go near a hot stove or run in the street? Or is hitting them just easier?
I don’t agree with spanking either. I will never do it for my own personal reasons. I think that your suggestions to try taking your toddler at a different time to the store, or to try and arrange for a babysitter are great suggestions. However, I want to just state for the record, and I think most moms would agree with me: life doesn’t always go as planned. Sitters back out. Your kid spills the milk and you’ve got to run to the store to buy more. And kids will act up. Even when they’re fed. Even when they’ve had a nap. Just because they saw something they wanted, etc. Your sentence: “If your child throws a tantrum in the store, it’s because you didn’t plan your errands around their needs well enough”. Um, wow. I really don’t even know how to respond to that one. Let’s just say it’s a really broad and general blanket statement to be applied to all children, parents, and the whole of society. And then, after thinking that through, let’s re-evaluate the decision to make such statements before we’ve clearly considered the repercussions. I could say something like, “if your child won’t sleep at night it’s because you didn’t love him enough”. Same thing? Same thing. Just as ridiculous.
Wow. I won’t give my opinion for fear of being attacked. I’m really surprised at how accusatory this comments section has become. This was meant to be a helpful guide to a particular style of discipline, but the discussion has turned into an argument about who the worst parents are: spankers or non-spankers.
Instead of trying to shame people who use a different style of discipline, why can’t we explain why we do what we do and hope that we can convince them that way? I’ve never yet been convinced to change my opinion by someone who has tried to make me feel guilty, and I doubt anyone here will. We’re just creating an uncomfortable environment for others to voice their questions, uncertainties, opinions and thoughts.
Are there just different styles of husbanding? Up until vaguely recently, women agreed to “obey” their husband – my mother certainly did – so is it reasonable for husbands with wives who made that vow to casually discuss the pros and cons of spanking their disobedient wife? Or is physical violence against the person simply wrong?
What a ridiculous comparison. I love my wife and I would never hit her. But she would never knowingly disobey me without being fully aware of the rift it creates in the relationship. When a child is able to understand that (I don’t think) spankings should continue to be administered. Try having that conversation with a 2 year old who won’t lie still for a 30 second nappy change…
I should also point out that the point is not about whether you spank or don’t spank. It is about consistency. Don’t threaten to spank and not do it, Don’t threaten to [insert any other form of discipline here] and not do it. I remember only a single spanking and yet I knew where the boundaries were from that point on. It does work for some kids and only a fool would claim a universal rule for all children.
Good for you for letting your wife know you’re the boss! You sound like quite the catch!
I’m not sure the reason in our relationship would appeal to you, and your sarcasm is lost on me. If Liz knows I don’t like something and she chooses to do it then that something is more important to her than what I do or don’t like. I would never intentionally want to do anything that she doesn’t like, so the relationship goes both ways.
The fact that we need any concept of obedience in the relationship is simply a choice we both made for me to be the one that makes the final decision in the important issues so that we don’t fight about them. It’s not about coffee vs tea. it’s about stuff that matters. That’s not unreasonable or unloving.
So Christopher, you are saying that you are in control of your relationship with your wife and that if she doesn’t obey you she is the one creating the trouble? Was she not an individual before you met her? her identity is not conditional on your approval of her actions. Likewise for any children in your life.
As for a child not lying still for a nappy change, have you even considered that it’s a stressful time for them? I’m sure you would be relaxed while someone many times your size laid you down and declothed you. nappy changing can and should be a time to develop a trusting relationship where fabulous one on one interactions can foster attachment, trust and confidence. Your approach would likely only lead to fear, frustration and withdrawal.
Towards your first point; that is not how it works at all. Refer to the comment I made above – it’s about loving leadership. The same concept that we have chosen to apply to how we raise children.
Towards your second point – of course it is stressful. That stress is exacerbated by the kid freaking out, so it is a choice between ending the tantrum immediately with and controlled and explained hiding or letting them get completely hysterical. I have been to that point with them before and I know which option is better for him in both the short term and the long term. We have very close and loving relationships because of consistent discipline and overwhelming love and affection to offset it.
Ultimately, discipline is something tailored towards the child. This is something we have chosen because it works and we are responsible enough to administer it in moderation as and when required. It is not something you can tell us is wrong, because it is not your place to do so and you simply don’t know or understand our children or family. I was simply stating my opinion in a forum I thought was open to it. 🙂
Ok, even if we accept your explanation that these are your choices and that you are best positioned to make such decisions that still doesn’t change the contradicting words ‘controlled and explained’ that you use to describe your ‘hiding’. A hiding is a beating, thrashing or wolloping that cannot be explained to a young child is almost certainly unable to be completely controlled. By its definition it occurs out of anger and frustration. Why should your child suffer by your hands because of your inability to deal with the situation?
I’m afraid the more you try to explain yourself the more you come across as abusive, no matter how much you try to tell yourself you do it through love.
“Come across as abusive” is perilously close to judgement that you have no right to cast on how my wife and I have chosen to raise our children. I guess this conversation is at the point where I don’t feel like explaining myself and you don’t feel like listening. My conscience is clear, so enjoy your judgement and condescension while I go to where open and reasoned debate is welcome.
I don’t get it….your response to your child “freaking out” is to spank him. How exactly is that helpful? It is baffling…to say the least. I am sure your child does stop “freaking out” or getting hysterical…he is probably paralyzed with fear of you and what you will do next. You are the adult and you need to deal with your stress…not the other way around.
You make a good point. I believe that spanking is never warranted. But I also believe that children must be disciplined. Like you said, instead of trying to shame or hurt children to behave a certain way, can we not explain why we do what we do and hope that we can convince them that way?
Actually, if you allow realistic consequences for a young child’s behavior there will be little to no explanation necessary; they will experience the consequence, connect it with the behavior, and know not to do it again if they want to avoid that behavior.
Your statement conveys a very simple premise; “let us treat each other with respect”. That is also the premise of the article; “let us treat our children with respect”. How are children less deserving than us of respect?
(This is not a comment to you specifically, Rianna, I agree with you here and with all of what the article says)
I find a lot of your points valid to an extent, but I have also found that people with children should know better than to give other parents advice on how to raise their children. Every child is different in how he reacts to discipline and while this method may work on some, it would clearly fail on others. Every parent needs to learn who their child is before they assume that any method will “fix” them. I’ll also add that children should respect their parents. That is the priority, not the other way around. We let our children get away with way too much these days. If I ask my child to do something or not to do something, I expect him to listen immediately, much like a CEO would expect of their employee. If an employee doesn’t listen, they get fired. They don’t get talked to time after time and told what they have done wrong. A child needs love, yes! But the parent needs to not let the child call the shots.
Thank you. Probably the only thing worse than trying to understand and do the right thing in the wake of a child’s fit is trying to deal with other parents who insult you and demean your efforts by suggesting that you’re doing it all wrong and your child’s fit is a direct punishment for your own, lack-luster parenting style. See “Jennifer”, upthread. Totally valid points until she claims that all kids throwing tantrums in stores all have parents who didn’t think about their needs. This is really scary.
Sure you need to respect your children, but you are the parent and the child should respect you above all else. If my child throws a ball, I do not tell them “you threw a ball. That was wrong.” They get a stern “No, we do not throw balls inside the house.” And if they do it again there are consequences, or the child will learn that mommy may say no, but she never does anything about it. You are your child’s PARENT not their best friend. Calmly telling my child what he just did is not effective discipline. It is telling him that all that happens if he does something wrong is that mommy is going to hold his hand and love him. OBVIOUSLY we love our children unconditionally, but they need a firm hand (not necessarily spanking) or a firm voice. I do feel sorry for a child that has no real consequences for their actions. I was spanked as a child. I have no “residual effects” of spanking. My mother loved me, she loved me enough to show me that if I did not respect her enough when she asked me not to do something, she would do something about it. When you are an adult and are answering to your CEO, you will get a warning, 2 if you’re lucky, and then you get fired. So if you really want to be a CEO to your child, give them a warning, maybe 2, and then do something more forceful. I’ll say this again- you are the PARENT not the FRIEND. Act like one.
you are the parent and the child should respect you above all else?
Bollocks.
Learn to treat young people as humans and they will respect you. You can’t hit humans, its abuse. Abuse is against the law. Abuser’s do not deserve to be respected by their victim.
I wish more people learned to disagree respectfully – without taking a personal offense at what is written on a personal blog. This is, after all, just an opinion.
We all have our ways. We all also have the right to disagree with other ways. Why not. One should not get offended because someone else disagrees with their way of disciplining their child. That is just how world works.
I come from a country where discipline is heavy on spankings, hittings, etc. The children are as misbehaved and disrespectful – if not more – to their elders and authorities as in other countries, where such practices are even outlawed or not as widely used/accepted. Now I wonder why that is. Perhaps our all-permeating western culture of violence and disrespect? With shows making it seem ok to disrespect one’s parents or elders? Perhaps?
I’m personally against physical punishment. In about 99% the spanking or hitting originates not because of parent’s honest concern over their child’s development, but because of a parent’s frustration – it’s a venting mechanism. Maybe once in my lifetime have I experienced a spanking that perhaps came from the ‘right’ place of seriously considered way of reacting to a child’s behavior.
Furthermore, people that defend physical punishment/discipline are usually just trying to defend their own actions. There is a minority that really believes in it and uses it right. Children can be brought up without the use of violence as spanking is a form of violence, whether applied with love/concern for the child’s development or without. Violence only breeds more violence. Always and forever. There are studies confirming this. Even I, who was spanked as a child, am much more aggressive and prone to want to spank my child (even though I always stop myself) than my husband who’s never been laid a hand on during his entire life … or his brother. And they absolutely LOVE and RESPECT their parents. More than I do with my mother.
To answer the authors question above about whether or not you would spank your child if they were throwing a tantrum in the grocery store:
If the child has repeatedly ignored any requests to quiet down/calm down, I would certainly do something other than continue to ask them to settle down. That clearly isn’t working, and leaving the store would only teach them that of they don’t want to do something, throw a fit and they won’t have to do it. Why would you let your child control your life like that? No one has time to run back and forth between the grocery store and home, or anywhere and home, simply because your child threw a fit because they didn’t want to be there or they weren’t getting their way. If I am a spanking parent at home, why in the world would I not spank my child in the store? Obviously I do not believe it is wrong, so I would not be embarassed to be seen doing it, so again-why would I not spank? Isn’t consistent parenting part of your original points? As long as “consistent parenting” doesn’t include spanking or time outs, of course.
I refuse to let a child run our schedule. I am in charge of my children and that is how it should be.
Is it not troubling to you that if your current strategy is not working your first instinct is violence?
You say you are in charge of your children. Is your vision of a good boss one who hits their subordinates, or one who gives careful and thoughtful guidance in an attempt to accomplish a task?
I also agree to a certain degree that we should not let children run our schedule, but to expect them to submit at all times to our every wish is unrealistic and disrespectful. Remember, children are real and complete human beings too and have their own needs, feelings and thoughts.
Kurt, I appreciate the thoughtful comments you’ve shared. Thanks.
My boss doesn’t have to hit me because he can just fire me. You can’t fire your kids, so careful and thoughtful guidance isn’t a stepping stone to anything else. My father spanked me and I know he did it because he loved me. I do spank my children and will continue to do so until they can understand that I discipline them, in love, for their future wellbeing. My first thought isn’t of violence, it’s of obedience and what that particular child will need to understand that they must listen to what I say.
Why does your child have to listen to what you say Christopher? yes you are their parent, but that is not an automatic right to demand respect or obedience. your words say that you love your children, but your actions say otherwise and seeing how young children lear from modelling and seeing how others behave what are you actually teaching them? That violence, hitting, shouting and power are the answers to get what you want. Children will carry these memories with them and it will impact on how they relate to others.
“but that is not an automatic right to demand respect or obedience” – we do not agree on this.
I was disciplined in this way and it has only been beneficial to me. You seem to equate any for of spanking as beating, which is simply reductio ad absurdum.
You treat children (and maybe your wife as well) like chattels and that is scary. If your children are female this is even scarier because you are instilling the mindset that they are objects to be owned and controlled…a very unhealthy way for women to enter into adulthood. You do not have the “automatic right” to demand anything of anyone and your authoritarian approach to parenting has been proven again and again to be seriously damaging to children later in life. I strongly encourage you to do some research so that you can begin to reconsider some of your tactics. Start by examining the difference between authoritarian and authoritative parenting and I think that you will see how the latter will meet the needs of every member of your family.
Well said, Kurt!
So disappointed I pinned this article! I learned more from the comments than the post.
hi, and thank you fro this helpful article. i am looking for more insight to #6. if the child doesn’t get dressed then no park for him/her. what to do for the other children who are being cooperative and looking forward to the park? i don’t feel the whole family should suffer one indifiual’s consequence, but if they won’t be cooperative getting dressed then what to do? all insight is MUCH appreciated. Oh, another question: how can my oldest DD8 have freedom to play with her favorite personals in our living space to feel included in the family w/out youngest DS2 attacking her stuff? He wants it so badly he literally pounces on her and her toys. I encourage her, and she does try to, include him but his way of play is definitely different more rough. she has taken to playing in her room by herself 🙁 she and i don’t really get one on one time anymore as he does not do well occupying himself and cries if i give him room time and the baby gate is up. my daughter is starting to feel neglected. thanks for all help!!
I understand the concept of natural consequences but when there are other siblings involved you can’t just go home from a playdate or not go because they won’t get dressed. This causes them to have power over what the whole family gets to do. This is where I get confused on what to do.
I think the key to this debate is intrinsic motivation vs extrinsic motivation. Spanking is something that is a punishment – yes, a child will learn not to do a behavior as a result, but only because of fear of punishment, not because it is the wrong thing to do. Using intrinsic motivation, however, will help the child in every situation he/she will ever come across. My son is almost three and is the kindest, gentlest, most thoughtful and sensitive person I’ve ever met. He has never been spanked or even in a time out. If he behaves inappropriately, I help him realize how his actions affect others. He is already able to discuss with me why he should/shouldn’t do something and how it might make other people feel. He is never in fear of what I might do to him or how I might punish him, he chooses his actions based on intrinsic motivation to do the right thing.
Wow…just wow. Hitting anyone for any reason is not okay. As adults we have this expectation that children should respect us. How are they supposed to do that if they haven’t been taught or shown respect themselves? Makes absolutely no sense to me. Jonathan Dowd you say that toddlers can’t rationally think through a problem and therefore trying to talk them through or out of the behavior doesnt work? If that is the case how then are they supposed to understand when they are spanked/hit by the person who is supposed to care for and protect them? They just know they have been hurt..they can’t make the connection between the behavior and the pain inflicted on them. And remember, it’s not just about the physical pain, it’s emotional and spiritual pain as well. We tell them it’s not okay to hit yet don’t hesitate to hit them as we see fit. That is backwards.
I am a parent of three and have been teaching for nearly 20 years. Although my brother and sister and I were spanked as children, I would never advocate spanking a child. Just because my parents spanked me 35 years ago, doesn’t make it right for me to spank my own children in light of the current research on the negative consequences of spanking. While it is true that our children know how to push our buttons, it is our job to model and teach self-regulation skills so that our children grow up to be socially and emotionally literate adults. It hardly makes rational sense that spanking can be okay when you would never think it okay for your child to hit you or another child to get compliance. If you are interested in learning how to discipline your children in a way that will teach them self-regulation, visit the Conscious Discipline website.
I wonder how many adults who were NOT spanked as children now choose to spank their children?
Hi Janet, If my question is not too late I would love to hear your perspective on it.
I really like your attitude towards disciplining toddlers and this is the approach I want to take with my 2 year old. Unfortunately in the spur of the moment of behaviour I dont want him to display my first reaction is to yell NO and I know this isnt helpful!
My 24 month old little boy has recently started running away and hiding from me and not coming when I call him. When I find him he is giggling and laughing, Im guessing its a game to him.
At home this is just frustrating but when we are out it is very worrying and potentially dangerous.
Can you please offer advice as to how to react when I catch him to make him understand that if he doesnt stay with me or come when I call it can be very dangerous?
We also have a new 9 week old baby and my husband and I are very concious of being affectionate and giving him equal attention but I am still aware its a period of big changes for him to cope with.
Thanks so much for your help
Emma
Emma, how are you handling this behavior now? Do you yell “NO” and run after him? Whatever you are doing now is making the running and hiding an exciting, attention-getting behavior and that’s why your boy continues doing this. I would approach these situations by doing two things…
First, I would lessen the possibility of this happening by holding your boy’s hand in public…especially if you are on a sidewalk, parking lot or anywhere else that is unsafe. Insist on it calmly and confidently. If he resists, acknowledge, “I know you don’t want to hold my hand right now, but I have to keep you safe when cars are near” (etc.) You might sometimes ask (if that’s an option for you), “Would you like to hold my hand or for me to carry you?” Carrying him, even though he’s capable of walking, might give him some of the nurturing he needs to remind him that he’s still your baby, too. Whatever you do, do it willingly, not angrily.
Then, when he does run away (hopefully this is only in a reasonably safe place, like the park), perfect the cool-as-a-cucumber stride. It is most important that even if you feel annoyed or angry inside, you project confidence and calmness. “Oh, there you go again (la-dee-da-la-dee-da)”. Stride over to him and say, “It’s time to go… I’ll wait here until you’re ready.” (This “waiting” can give him the autonomy he needs to let go of his testing.) If he still doesn’t come, say, “Well, we really have to go now. Do you want to run (or walk) with me, or be picked up?” You might even offer to skip holding hands if you’re in the mood.
The general idea is to make his running away and hiding an extremely ho-hum boring thing to do…which will also make your little guy feel very calm and safe.
Janet, you are so patient and loving. I read a few comments at the top but quickly tired of the spanking debate. You are writing invaluable advice and it is sad people come on here to defend themselves against your clear as a bell advice. I hope many others will learn and change their ways. I was spanked, and yelled at. Yes my parents are loving and I believe they are a product of the their time and did the best they could and did not know better. I DO know better and so implement strategies such as you suggested above. It is great fun and a challenge and I love my relationship with my 20 month old and havé never and wil never hit him! Keep up the blog. I love you and your work and what you have done for me as a mother!!
Thank you for the morale boost, Joyce!
For what it’s worth … my now 14 year old daughter went through a “phase” of hiding that lasted from around 18 months to well past 5. I don’t remember giving her bad attention for it, I’m pretty sure I was always matter-of-fact about looking for her and finding her “I’m pleased I found you, come on let’s go”. But she persisted with it, and I had to keep an eagle eye on her so that I knew in which general direction she’d gone.
My last resort response was “I’m going to call the police if you don’t come out now, I’m worried”. Please be aware that this was always VERY last resort ie. in a shopping mall and she’d been missing for 10 mins, and I had no idea about which shop she might be in. Or one time when she was at a babysitter’s home, and we couldn’t rule out the possibility that she’d escaped from the house. It was always my very last resort to flush her out. However, I guess calling the police could be a source of excitement for a 2 year old boy … But my girl always knew that when I said it, things were serious, and she’d come out. She tells me now that she used to hide so that she didn’t have to go home quite so early from wherever we were!
It WILL end at some point in his life, stay strong.
I did enjoy your blog. These are very interesting observations. This is a very important topic that many parents elect to overlook rather than educate themselves. I do disagree with some of the methods of allowing your child to demonstrate acts of anger in the form of a “tantrum”. I have worked with many children and adults and in my findings, I have discovered that many parents that allowed their child to openly throw tantrums have found that their children develop a lack of respect for their parents and other adults. These children struggle to work with authoritative figures which causes a negative long-term effect. Furthermore, allowing a child to throw tantrums has also led to many children later having to attend anger management and counseling sessions because they were never taught how to positively channel their anger. This has a negative effect on the child’s emotional health. Naturally, children do not search for “safe” ways to express anger. Children turn to dangerous and violent behavior such as kicking, punching, pushing, jumping, etc. Though providing a pillow to punch will be a “quick fix” to the child’s tantrum, what will occur when you are not around? These are the things we should take into consideration when rearing a child. How am I preparing him for real-world interaction with his peers and with authoritative figures in his life both short-term and long-term?
Nade, I have read all of your comments on this post and there is one major aspect to successful parenting that you obviously don’t understand. It is the key to raising a self-confident, successful and well-behaved child who loves and respects her parents… TRUST. Without basic trust in our child’s nature, we will flounder as parents. I’ll also add that research does not support your views about spanking. Please read the research.
Do you have a similar set of guidelines for a preschooler? My daughter is four, and I feel like we are working on getting emotions under control (Not every little thing warrants a dramatic meltdown with tears and sobbing).
Mariah, I would definitely use these guidelines with preschoolers. Trying to control (or avoid) our child’s emotions is what actually causes the fragility and lack of resiliency you are describing. Children need to fully experience their frustration, anger and sadness, etc., in order to build healthy coping skills…because it is only by experiencing these emotions that children will naturally learn to control them. They need to know, deep down, that these feelings are perfectly okay…which means they have to be totally acceptable to us. This is one of the reasons it is so vitally important to be wholeheartedly accepting of all our children’s feelings.
Parents discourage healthy coping ability when they do not set clear, direct limits, because they do not want to face (and/or fully accept) their child’s negative response.
So I’m curious. What’s the natural consequence for climbing on furniture? My two boys are constantly climbing/standing on their train table, the coffee table, on top of the toy box… You name it, they climb it.
Is there one? Or do you just keep saying, I’m not going to let you climb on the table and take them down? It’s so hard for me to keep up with that. It’s never ending and has been since my 3 year old was big enough to climb. Now the 1 year old follows him.
I’ve tried, “This is your warning… If you climb on the table again,” but then I have no real consequence to add.
Amy – this is a tough one because your boys are doing what they’re supposed to do, which is to explore and test their environment. They’re not trying to drive you crazy (and if you keep trying to limit them from following these healthy instincts, you WILL go crazy). Is the climbing really unsafe? Could you make it as safe as possible for them to climb, i.e., place cushions or rugs near those places, bolt furniture that could tip over onto them? If something is truly unsafe I would put it away somewhere or block their access to it with a gate, etc.
Usually when children can climb up they can also climb down safely, but it is our responsibilty to give children a 100% safe place to play, so that they can feel free to focus on their “work” rather than being interrupted constantly (and annoying us, etc.). At this point, your interventions are making this more of a focus of interest for your boys than it might otherwise be.
Well, the safety issue that concerns me the most is that they play rough together sometimes and I’m afraid the oldest will knock the baby down off something high. Also, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect to be able to set limits to their climbing… like- we don’t care if you climb on the toy box or the train table, but we don’t want you sitting or standing on the coffee table or the dining room table.
They climb over gates and drag chairs over to get things that are up on high shelves. It feels like there is no place that is out of their reach.
Amy – it’s not completely unreasonable, but children this age almost always need more than words; they need us to calmly follow through by preventing them from doing dangerous things. The boys might continue to test to make sure you are in control of this situation. And no matter what you say or do, anything can happen. Toddlers are impulsive. Children this age can want to follow our rules, but forget in the heat of the moment. Perhaps the baby needs a separate place to play that is gated for his safety.
If you would like to try to continue to limit them, I would be very matter-of-fact… “Oh, I think you may have forgotten — no climbing on the coffee table please.” By being low-key, you are not making this such an exciting thing to do. But again, climbing is as natural as breathing for children this age, so I think your expectation is a bit out of reach (no pun intended).
Hi Janet
I am very interested in your advice around my two year old Sonny. He is displaying some behaviour that is extremely worrying to me. We have always had difficulty getting him to sleep. We have a clear bedtime ritual that is dinner, bathtime, 2 books and then bedtime around 7:30pm. I give him a hug and pop him down in the cot and rub his chest for about a minute then leave the room. We started this because a couple of months ago we were rubbing his back until he went to sleep then found ourselves in the room for up to 1 – 1.5 hours. He initially responded quite well to the more condensed version however recently he has been starting to exhibit the following behaviour. He will ask for a rub, and we start to do it then he will say ‘no rub mummy, out’ so he wants us out of the room., if we leave he cries out with real distress screaming for a rub again then I will come back into the room and start rubbing him, then it all happens again. Sometimes the tooing and froing is about the blanket, he wants it on then off, on then off.
I feel like with him I am trying to keep clear boundaries and often his behaviour is really disrespectful he screams mummy no, out, then when I leave he screams for me to come back in. It feels extremely controlling. I give him as much choice as possible whilst still keeping boundaries for him so Im at a loss as to why he feels so confused and must enter into this forward back behaviour – not really knowing what he wants. Another important thing to mention is he does it more with me and less with my partner, which makes me feel like its something Im doing wrong, or cant see.
Any help or insights are greatly appreciated. It makes me so sad to see him like this, its heart breaking, and its twice a day from anywhere between 20 minutes – 1 hour at day sleep time and night sleep time so I feel emotionally done at the end of the day because its so much crying and distress, Im starting to get anxious at the thought of sleep time.
Your thoughts again greatly appreciated. Happy to pay for any extended advice. Phone consultation??
I don’t have children of my own yet(although I have been a nanny to quite a few), but I plan to sometime in the near future, and I specifically want to know how to discipline my child because I was SO affected by being spanked as a child. So much that it still brings random anger and resentment towards my father. Now let me mention, my mother spanked me and I was not affected one bit. I think it is very different to be spanked as a little girl by her father, the one person who is suppose to protect her. For all the men that think it is okay to spank, re-evaluate your actions because you can be scarring that little girl that you love so much. I remember my first spanking at the age of 3 or 4 and said the word ass(probably heard it from my mom or dad) my dad was furious and spanked me 10 times until I cried. I would lock myself in bathrooms to avoid him. Point is I barely have a relationship with my dad because of all of this, and had a lot of bad relationships with men due to my upbringing. He has attempted to, but once the damage is done it is hard to open up. I think people underestimate the damage of spanking, or even getting extremely angry at your child. Anyways I think this advice is excellent, and I will definitely be implementing a lot of these tools in the future.
I’m really struggling with my 4 year old daughter right now. Most the time she is the sweetest, funniest, most carring little girl. She’s also very smart and very strong minded (bullheaded!) But with this causes problems. The mornings are crazy for me trying to get myself, her and my 4 month old out the door to preschool/daycare/work. Most mornings go really well and she listens and does as she should. But there are times she doesn’t listen or do as she’s told. If her behavior is bad enough I will punish her by “grounding” her from a toy or something. But when it reaches this point she has so much anger. There have been times that she has hit me or scream at me…etc. I don’t even know how to react to this! As someone mentioned getting caught up in the “emotional tornado” – this is a perfect description of how it goes. I try walking away from her, but she literally comes running after me. I am at a loss of how to handle this situation. It makes me sad to see her act out this bad. I know she is such a sweet loving little girl… just baffles me to why she acts out so bad sometimes. How do I handle this type of situation. She doesn’t listen, when she gets “in trouble” she acts out even more – ie: talking back, hitting, yelling, stomping…etc. That is where i’m at a loss of how to respond. Please help!
Sounds like frustration. Try to put yourself into her shoes. Maybe she’s sick of going to daycare every morning. Maybe she’s mad about having to share you with a new baby. Of course there’s nothing she can do about it and she’s having a hard time coping. Maybe some mornings she’s just tired and can’t act as good as she usually does. Instead of punishing her, how about being pro-active and do something like a reward chart, letting her know there’s something at the end of the week for a full week of good behavior? And also take some time – just you and her, when she’s in a good mood – to explain you know how she’s feeling, and all of us have bad moods?
I do believe that prayer is the no.1 right choice to disciplined our toddlers..when my four years old son hear me to pray “Jesus let my son Be a good Boy he will follow me, understand me and love me..” Jesus is most likely of children.
Boy! I just managed to read through all the comments. I’m definitely in the non spanking clan. Hitting is not acceptable, ever. Hitting a young child cannot possibly be understood as a logical outcome. Hitting is just ugly in general. I’m fairly new to this blog and have been taking it in as I can. We’ve struggled increasingly with discipline when little bro came on the scene.
A couple comments here do point at the fact that it’s much harder to discipline when there are more than one involved. And with number 3 on the way, it won’t get easier!
I love the idea of gentle parenting in general but I’ll admit hands up I’ve made mistake and heard myself say things I completely disagree with to my child.
I think an overlooked reason why we don’t do the right thing is plain lazyness. Being responsive means getting to the child immediately, physically making a barrier or removing something while explaining. Sometimes I just ask for something 4 times instead of doing something about it, then we’re late and then I get mad. I know it’s my fault though. I still vent some blame on my boy sometimes. Wanting to do the right thing is not the same as doing it. I am trying hard though and the advice on this site is great help because it’s hard work that will save time later.
I would really like you – Janet – to comment on how to handle a child’s refusal to do something when removing the object of gratification (going to the park) punishes the other ones. Also, how do you stop violent or non sharing or excluding behaviour with a sibling without removing one from the room? They fight but they always crawl back to each other!
I do agree that sometimes it is due to laziness. But sometimes there are other issues as well. I suffer from a few chronic illnesses that leave me in a lot of pain and exhaustion quite often. It becomes hard for me to get up and move quickly to prevent something from happening or prevent my DD2.5 from breakig the back of my DS1 by sitting on him or strangling his neck out of love and affection. I find myself yelling and shouting a lot more than I would like to admit. And my DD’s movements cause more physical pain to myself as she hugs violently or sits on me. I am sure I am not the only parent in the world who suffers from some illness and yet has kids. A lot of this advice becomes very hard to follow when you have a high-energy toddler and you are just physically not capable of keeping up.
I’m not even going to address the whole spanking/no spanking thing. But as I was reading through all of these comments, one thing I did notice is that maybe a distinction needs to be made between discipline techniques for toddlers and techniques for older children. Since the author says that the children she’s referring to should not be subjected to windy speeches or lectures, I would assume this article is for younger children only. But I think that as children mature, you can develop the “I love you no matter what” statement into “I love you no matter what you do, but my trust has to be deserved.”
In my own life, once I was old enough to understand the concept of trust, I was also able to understand the idea that you can earn or lose trust based on your actions. My parents told me that I had a sort of “bank” of trust from them that came full to the brim. They let me know that I was allowed freedom because they assumed I was a good, responsible person. But they also let me know that if I betrayed their trust, I could lose some of the trust in the bank, and I would have to earn it back.
Once (maybe second or third grade) they found that I had stolen something from a store. I obviously knew it was wrong because I tried to hide it and lied about it when I was caught. They told me that they were disappointed and that because I had lied and stolen, they didn’t trust me as much as they used to.
I don’t know if it was the clarity of their wording or the foundation of love they had already laid down, but at no time did I ever feel confused about the distinction between their love and their trust. I always knew they would love me, but trust or respect was something that I could lose or earn back. Through experience, I also discovered it was something that only took seconds to lose, but took a lonnnggg time to earn back.
For that specific instance, my punishment was that I had to do an extra chore every day for two weeks, which cut into my “personal” time. Each time I did the chore, my mom reminded me that I was being punished because I had lied and stolen. I hated doing the extra chore, but I knew that it was fair. What I hated even more was that I had disappointed my parents. I didn’t feel like they loved me any less, but I knew that I had done something which made me less deserving of the trust they gave me.
One thing that makes this such an effective disciplining technique is that I could always see how fair my parents were compared to some other parents. Some of my friends’ parents were suspicious of their children from the get-go. They set down rules because they knew how they had misbehaved at that age, and they wanted to eliminate the possibility of misbehavior. My parents had an innocent until proven guilty policy. And because of that, any time there were new rules or restrictions created, I understood that it was because of my own behavior, not because of some whim of my parents’.
This a great principle that works when kids turn into teenagers, and lays a foundation for when teenagers turn into adults. The important thing for parents is to be the sort of person that a child would feel bad for disappointing. My parents’ technique worked because I felt bad for disappointing them because I respected them. They never lashed out in anger (physically or otherwise), and I could see from their personal and professional lives that they lived out their own principles. Once I had a manager at work ask me where I got my great work ethic and if it could be massed produced. I told her that I knew the joy of deserving respect from respect-worthy people. To this day, if I am faced with a moral dilemma, sometimes the difference between right and wrong is still not the motivation that decides my choices. What decides my choices is the question, “If the people that I respect knew how I acted, would they still respect me?”
Sorry for the long post, but I feel pretty passionately about this. I have a cousin whose mother practiced the “I love you no matter what” policy for her whole life, without ever adding the respect clause. Now she’s 22, and she’s a mess, the epitome of what all these commenters are saying about “kids these days.” When she was 18 she and some friends got caught shoplifting. At court, all of the other kids apologized profusely and were let off the hook. My cousin, though, sassed the judge and said she wasn’t sorry. Unbelievably, her mother tried to shield her from those consequences (community service). And then a couple years later my cousin got caught with drugs, and her mom tried to shield her from THOSE consequences … and she wasn’t able to. But it’s too late, because now my cousin has a record. And unlike her mother, society doesn’t “love her no matter what she does.”
I would be curious if anybody (including the author) thinks that this could be applied to toddlers on a simpler basis, and at what age a child can distinguish between love and respect? I was a naturally pliable, agreeable child who never had to be asked twice, but my sister was a horror, beyond reach of discipline and reason. My parents had to essentially just endure her until she got better. And I know my college roommate laughs now that when she was little, she used to tell her parents, “You might as well punish me now, because I’m going to do it anyway!” Like other commenters, I think children like that often require a firmer hand, but I’m not sure how you go about doing that while practicing positive parenting. I just had a baby this year, and I don’t know what kind of personality he has yet. But it’s never too early to start thinking about this sort of thing!
Hi Janet. I LOVE your website!!! I have a question for you. I DO NOT spank my child. I agree completely that it does nothing but bad. That said, if it is a DANGEROUS situation, (sticking a fork in a plug or running out to the street), I’ll swat his hand, not butt, and tell him no, that is dangerous, you can get hurt. What do you suggest in fast paced, potentially dangerous situations? I have a VERY stubborn pre-verbal two year old lol.
P.s. When I swat his hand, it is not hard at all. It doesn’t hurt him, but I’d still love to learn a better method! 🙂 Thanks so much!!
Interesting discussion.
Since children are unable to emotionally self-regulate, they need an emotionally regulated parent/caregiver to help them develop this capacity over time.
This is a matter of brain development, as well as social development, as I understand it.
Perhaps this is a matter of semantics, but I would put it: the parent needs to be mindful so that the child can develop mindfulness through the thousands of interactions with a mindful parent.
Children are exquisitely sensitive and have deep feelings, but only develop mindfulness through healthy interaction.
I bring this up because there is currently so much discussion of mindfulness in adult terms, so perhaps a clear definition of what Janet means by mindfulness in a child would be helpful.
Thanks.
I appreciate these educational posts on your website!
I have an issue with my “oppositional” 5 yo daughter. I agree with natural consequences and try to implement them as much as I can. But, how would I do that when she doesn’t want to get dressed for school, not for the park? She will flat out sit her butt on the sofa and refuse to get dressed. Her consequence cannot be that I keep her home from school. There isn’t anything going on at school to cause her not to want to go, she enjoys school. If I would let her sit on the sofa for an hour and watch cartoons, she’d be happy to go to get dressed and go to school. It’s mostly a matter of not wanting to do things on anyone’s schedule but her own. Any guidance?
What if you wake her up 30 minutes early so she can have some time to sit on the sofa. Also, what does she have a choice about? Give her choices, do you want to pick your outfit or should I? If you are not going to get dressed on your own, then i will help you.
I liked this article, but I didn’t like it when it said that no punishment should be given except for natural consequences. Natural consequences are the best; I totally agree. The problem I have is there is no possible way to give natural consequences in every situation. Toddlers live in the moment, so consequences and boundries have to come as quickly as possible. So, why not give time out as an immediate consequence?… used in a way to show them they were wrong and can’t play any more? I know it is a more “disconnected” than a natural consequence, but as a teacher and parent myself, sometimes a disconnected consequence is the only option in the moment. I loved the WHOLE article, except for that part.
I really love this post. I only have one reservation, and that is about the idea that you must stay with your child to show support. I suppose that this is best, most of the time, but it is also sometimes impracticable, and, I think, occasionally counterproductive. How can you stay with a child who is throwing a two-hour tantrum when you have other children that need attending to? When my 2.5 year old son has thrown tantrums, I have tried, numerous times, to calmly identify his feelings for him, tell him I am there for him when he is ready to talk, and wait by his side. When I do this, the tantrum can rage on for two hours. If, on the other hand, I use the exact same words to start with, but then tell him to stay in his room until he is ready to talk to me, and then leave and go about my business, he calms down very quickly. While he is crying in his room, I have, at times, come back to his door and called to ask him if he is ready to come out. He will usually yell back “no, me not ready!” and continue to cry for awhile until he is ready to come out on his own. It seems to me that my not being there gives him the space to release his emotions without continually re-triggering them. Sometimes, he is so angry with me for setting some boundary for him, that I think it is quite hard for him to have me there with him. I know it would be hard for me to have the person I am so angry with sitting quietly in the same room with me while I raged. Seeing the source of my pain looking so calm would seem infuriating to me.
Also, there seems a bit of an element of simple reality/practicality in being able to leave sometimes. After all, the world doesn’t revolve around my 2.5 year old. I am there for him, of course, but if he is in a mindset where I cannot help him, and he knows that I am nearby if he needs me, then I think it may also be good for him to know that life goes on when he is upset. I can’t always be there to sit and listen to him scream.
I’m having such a hard time processing how fearful of and angry at children so many parents seem to be. I have been an early childhood educator for 20 years (15 teaching preschool and kindergarten and 5 now running my own family daycare with infants and toddlers) so hitting and yelling have never been options for me, thank goodness! Children are not alien creatures; they are just people and all of us thrive better when we are treated with respect. If you have to hit an 18 moth old because you feel they are not behaving then you are asking them to do more than they are yet capable of doing. Children, even (especially) pre verbal children, respond beautifully to kindness, respect, and humor. They learn respect by experiencing it. They learn responsibility by being invited to take part, in whatever ways they are able to, in the daily rhythms of life. They grow into productive members of a plauralistic society by being given the opportunity to develop in a welcoming and generous community. When will we learn that regular exposure to threats of violence and exclusion only create angry people with nothing to lose? For what its worth I am regularly alone with 4 children under two who love to test boundaries and generally fall apart simultaneously! : )
Thank you so much for your comment, Orna! I totally agree with you.
Hey there…
I’m a mother of three young boys my oldest is two my second is one and my third is three months. I’m going through the tantrums one after another and it’s very overwhelming for me. I try to be the kind of mother I never had which is giving my full attention to my children but even so my kids act out and hit me in public throw themselves down and cry like they been hurt really bad. I don’t understand it I’ve tried time outs they don’t work but rather make it worse I’ve tried spanking but I find myself crying and giving in.. I’ve read your blog and I’m trying to work with them and understand them better its still hard but I know it’s getting better now thanks so much.
You’re welcome, Dinks. Please hang in there and take good care. When given with respect, boundaries are one of the highest forms of our love. Don’t be afraid to be firm about stopping your children from hitting you. Accept the tantrums, they are just feelings that pass, like all feelings. The tantrums increase when we try to calm our children, give in to their requests, keep them happy all the time, feel guilty, etc.
ok i have a question, me and my 20month old son are living with my grandparents right now i have my son in daycare mon -friday and my grandmother watches him on saturday’s for me it has always been me and him i think i may be sufering from seperation anxiety but i feel like now that i have started this job my son is leaning more towards my grandmother is it because she is spending more time with him, or is it because my grandmother baby’s him and gives him no boundries or disaplin, i show him love to but i also have to teach him right from wrong..my grandmother is always like ashley he is just a baby i understand that but he has to know what is exseptable and what is not. i just feel like he wants her more now because she gives him what he wants all of the time but it consfuses him and me because i am trying to do one thing and she is doing another if anyone has any suggestions please feel free
and you can tell all this psycho babble actually works because children these days are better behaved than ever! …oh wait, they aren’t and you’re just creating a generation of codependent selfish brats who think the world revolves around them… Right. You want good kids? stop making excuses for bad behaviour.
After reading many of the comments and responses I believe many of you are correct in what you are saying and none of you are seeing both sides of the argument.
Let me start with saying that I was spanked as a child but it was a VERY rare occasion.
As a mother I rarely spank my child and I am always looking for different ways to TEACH my child right from wrong. I do not ushually look at punishing my child because 9 times out of 10 they do not need punishment they need to be taught that their behaviors are not “correct”. (I say this in quotes because what really is correct behaviors)
Yes spanking is not my first choice and can easily be used in the wrong way.
No parents should not use spanking as their only use of punishment and or teaching.
Yes a parent should strive to never use spanking. But if spanking your child to prevent them from running into the street where they could be seriously injured or killed… I’m going to spank my child. Not hard enough to truly hurt the physically but enough to get my message across that they have done something very wrong. I would then explain why I did what I did, comfort them if needed and apologize. They need to know that I want them safe and alive, I never want to hurt them but I would rather inflict a little pain if it keeps them alive.
I always feel that if I have ever caused my child pain intentionally or accidental I am ushually the one who is pain. My child looks at me like “why” not crying or in pain just surprised at what just happened.
“When a child hits a child, we call it aggression.
When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility.
When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault.
When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.”
― Haim G. Ginott
LOVE your advice and honesty.
I have a three year old boy who is having transition tantrums leaving school or the park or friends houses.
I give clear time warnings..in 10 minutes..I give choices…you can walk to the car or I will carry you…I try to validate his feelings even…I know it is hard to leave when it is so fun….
He runs away and when I carry him he will hit, pull my hair, spit on me. I say “i will not let you hit me”, but then what?
I do not and will not spank him but I feel really violated and angry in the end.
Any ideas?
I’m an art teacher who works with nearly 1,000 elementary students per week. Parents, please spank your children’s bottoms with a loving, firm hand when they are disobedient! Train them consistently. Show them how happy you are when they behave nicely – or when they simply walk into the room. We’re losing our kids because parents are busy staring into their phones or computers. Please pay attention to your kids and mold them into loving, other-centered human beings who know right from wrong.
I am interested to know if these 9 points can apply to older children throughout the Primary years? Could you please say a bit about that. Thank you
Reading all these “I was spanked and I’m ok” lines makes me feel very ill. I was spanked (never ‘beaten’) and raised in a very authorative household where my parents were the “boss” and my brother and I were definitely at the bottom as “kids”.
With punishments handed out for small mis-steps, we feared our parents and often conspired with one another to protect each other from their punishments. We learnt to be sneaky and do things behind their backs. We also felt we could never talk to our parents so we learnt to rely on ourselves alone.
Yelling was how my parents used to try and control us and home was not a peaceful place.
Now I don’t know if it’s directly because of spanking, or a combination of other factors, but my brother and I had ,and continue to have, a number of problems into adulthood.
I’ve suffered from anxiety for about 15 years and have had thoughts of self harm. I was borderline alcoholic for a number of years and have been on and off medication for my anxiety for about a decade.
My brother too suffers from anxiety, has social phobias, was a heavy marijuana smoker (though has cut down in recent years) but he refuses to take medication for anxiety/depression even though his doctors think he needs it.
Thankfully I am happily married to a wonderful man, who has not once raised his voice to me in over 10 years of marriage. We have an amazing, empathetic, cooperative son who has never been yelled at or spanked. We have always treated him with respect, recognised his feelings and even though he does go through difficult phases, we know that the 3 of us can get through the problems together positively.
Anyway, I’m not too sure what my point is, I guess I’m just trying to say don’t fall back on the “I was spanked/yelled at etc and I was fine” line of thinking. Don’t you want your kids to be more than ‘fine’?
Ask more of yourself, treat your children like human beings, like people that you value, need your respect, people that look to your for love, protection and guidance because one day they may be the one’s that don’t turn out “fine”.
I agree with this whole article. My only question whenever I read something about natural consequences – you say if the child won’t put on their clothes before a fun outing, then don’t go on the outing. What about when they won’t get dressed and it is something you *have* to go to – a doctor appointment or something similar. Canceling is not an option.
The only thing I disagree with – and it’s a very slight disagree – is the spanking. I got my butt smacked a few times as a kid. It was enough to show me that I didn’t want to do that behavior to earn another one. To me, the spanking was a physical representation of having disappointed my father, which was worse than the actual swats to the bottom. They were not hard hits at all. Just enough to get my attention and show me that I’d messed up big time. I did not turn into an “aggressive” person or a bully. I think I turned out just fine. It was a punishment only for the most heinous of offenses and done so rarely that I can’t clearly remember a spanking. To each their own though, and I certainly do not condone child abuse but what I had was not abuse.
This article makes very good and valid points. I have to say that I do not totally agree with the NO SPANKING rule. I don’t agree with beatings but the good spankings I got as a child were good lessons and I knew better than to repeat some of the extreme actions that brought on the spanking. I, as an adult, do not feel that my parents ever abused me physically or mentally (I wish all could say that) and the spankings did not cause a distrust with them. k
I agree with most of what you have to say. But, I don’t agree that “time outs” and spanking a child/toddler will damage them. I raised two daughters and they have each raised four children. all of them have been disciplined when needed. they are all great children, my daughters are college graduates and one grandson is in college. all of my grandchildren are well mannered. They know to respect their elders. they were taught right from wrong at an early age!
I believe that if you don’t discipline a child then you lose control of that child and they don’t learn the basic rules of life. That there is always consequences to your actions.
My question is, why are we equating a spanking to a beating?
Yes, I was one of “those kids” who was spanked as a child, but never did my father or mother hit me with all of their strength. It was a quick swat across my bottom (not the face or the arm – across the fleshiest part of my body) to let me know that my behavior was, after multiple warnings, absolutely unacceptable.
If you don’t want to spank your kids, fine. That’s your choice, & I have no right to tell you how to discipline your children. But for the love of God, STOP equating spankings to abuse.
And for the record, link me the studies that spanking (legitimate spanking, not abuse or hitting a child with your full strength) leads to violence & aggression down the road.
I linked to one such study in the article, but here’s another reference and there are many, many more: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20100412/spanking-linked-to-kids-later-aggression
Thanks Janet. Though I disagree with you on the spanking/no spanking, I do feel like your article is very well written & makes great points on not shaming kids in discipline.
However, I’m interested to know your thoughts about this: Though I have no kids of my own, I often work with children in my church. I’ve found that when warnings haven’t worked, I do employ a time out. The child sits in a chair, separated from the group (but not in a separate room) & watches the other kids play for only a few moments. Then we talk together about why they had to sit for a minute & think of ways we can make our behavior better.
In a nutshell: I’ve found separation from the group & then a small talk on what we did & what we can do to make it better is incredibly effective. Thoughts?
I like the fact that you talk together and I believe that’s the perfect intervention, rather than shaming the child in front of the group with a time-out.
Indeed. But the time-out is important, too. If we are talking about treating kids with respect, then having them take a minute to think about why their actions or words were inappropriate goes a long way. They see that if their behavior is inappropriate & aren’t responding to multiple warnings, they will have to miss a few minutes of group activity in order to think about their actions or words. I think the crux, though, is the discussion afterwards, especially in making a plan together on how we can make good choices.
“…they will have to miss a few minutes of group activity in order to think about their actions or words.” That would be nice if that was what children were thinking about in time-out. But in truth, these children are feeling ashamed and incompetent and hating the teacher for making a negative example of them.
And (for the sake of discussion), is it possible,even remotely, for spanking to be used as a tool? A constructive tool, I mean. In the comments, there were people who said they had been spanked & they became better people because of it & never doubted that their parents loved them. There were also people who had been spanked, but the spankings were often coupled with harsh words & yelling, making the child feel afraid & shamed. Both sets of people were spanked, but it didn’t produce a universal result. Is it possible that spanking (with the definition of spanking being a light swat to the bottom on the rare occasion that incredibly bad behavior called for it, not an every-bad-behavior consequence) can be constructive?
My question to you is why spank when it’s totally unnecessary and also puts a child (and your relationship with that child) at great risk? There are no benefits at all. Research clearly show this.
Regarding: “there were people who said they had been spanked & they became better people because of it & never doubted that their parents loved them”, I understand the need to defend one’s parents and I share about that here: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/07/the-discipline-question-no-one-can-answer/