A toddler acting out is not shameful, nor is it behavior that needs punishing. It’s a cry for attention, a shout-out for sleep, or a call to action for firmer, more consistent limits. It is the push-pull of our toddler testing his burgeoning independence. He has the overwhelming impulse to step out of bounds, while also desperately needing to know he is securely reined in. There is no question that children need discipline. As infant expert Magda Gerber said, “Lack of discipline is not kindness, it is neglect.”
The key to healthy and effective discipline is our attitude. Toddlerhood is the perfect time to hone parenting skills that will provide the honest, direct, and compassionate leadership our children will depend on for years to come.
Here are some guidelines:
1) Begin with a predictable environment and realistic expectations. A predictable, daily routine enables a baby to anticipate what is expected of him. That is the beginning of discipline. Home is the ideal place for infants and toddlers to spend the majority of their day. Of course, we must take them with us to do errands sometimes, but we cannot expect a toddler’s best behavior at dinner parties, long afternoons at the mall, or when his days are loaded with scheduled activities.
2) Don’t be afraid, or take challenging behavior personally. When toddlers act out in my classes, the parents often worry that their child might be a brat, a bully, an aggressive kid. When parents project those fears, it can cause the child to internalize the negative personas, or at least pick up on the parent’s tension, which often exacerbates the behavior. Instead of labeling a child’s action, learn to nip the behavior in the bud by disallowing it nonchalantly. If your child throws a ball at your face, try not to get annoyed. He doesn’t do it because he dislikes you, and he’s not a bad child. He is asking you (toddler-style) for the limits that he needs and may not be getting.
3) Respond in the moment, calmly, like a CEO. Finding the right tone for setting limits can take a bit of practice. Lately, I’ve been encouraging parents that struggle with this to imagine they are a successful CEO and that their toddler is a respected underling. The CEO corrects the errors of others with confident, commanding efficiency. She doesn’t use an unsure, questioning tone, get angry or emotional. Our child needs to feel that we are not nervous about his behavior, or ambivalent about establishing rules. He finds comfort when we are effortlessly in charge.
Lectures, emotional reactions, scolding and punishments do not give our toddler the clarity he needs, and can create guilt and shame. A simple, matter-of-fact “I won’t let you do that. If you throw that again I will need to take it away” while blocking the behavior with our hands is the best response. But react immediately. Once the moment has passed, it is too late. Wait for the next one!
4) Speak in first person. Parents often get in the habit of calling themselves “mommy” or “daddy”. Toddlerhood is the time to change over into first person for the most honest, direct communication possible. Toddlers test boundaries to clarify the rules. When I say “Mommy doesn’t want Emma to hit the dog”, I’m not giving my child the direct (‘you’ and ‘me’) interaction she needs.
5) No time out. I always think of infant expert Magda Gerber asking in her grandmotherly Hungarian accent, “Time out of what? Time out of life?” Magda was a believer in straightforward, honest language between a parent and child. She didn’t believe in gimmicks like ‘time-out’ , especially to control a child’s behavior or punish him. If a child misbehaves in a public situation, the child is usually indicating he’s tired, losing control and needs to leave. Carrying a child to the car to go home, even if he kicks and screams, is the respectful way to handle the issue. Sometimes a child has a tantrum at home and needs to be taken to his room to flail and cry in our presence until he regains self-control. These are not punishments, but caring responses.
6) Consequences. A toddler learns discipline best when he experiences natural consequences for his behavior, rather than a disconnected punishment like time-out. If a child throws food, his or her mealtime is over. If a child refuses to get dressed, we don’t go to the park today. These parental responses appeal to a child’s sense of fairness. The child may still react negatively to the consequence, but he does not feel manipulated or shamed.
7) Don’t discipline a child for crying. Children need rules for behavior, but their emotional responses to the limits we set (or to anything else for that matter) should be allowed, even encouraged. Toddlerhood can be a time of intense, conflicting feelings. Children may need to express anger, frustration, confusion, exhaustion and disappointment, especially if they don’t get what they want because we’ve set a limit. A child needs the freedom to safely express his feelings without our judgment. He may need a pillow to punch — give him one.
8) Unconditional love. Withdrawing our affection as a form of discipline teaches a child that our love and support turns on a dime, evaporating because of his momentary misbehavior. How can that foster a sense of security? Alfie Kohn’s New York Times article, “When A Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do As I Say’,” explores the damage this kind of “conditional parenting” (recommended by experts like talk show host Phil McGraw and Jo Frost of “Supernanny”) causes, as the child grows to resent, distrust and dislike his parents, feel guilt, shame, and a lack of self-worth.
9) Spanking – NEVER. Most damaging of all to a relationship of trust are spankings. And spanking is a predictor of violent behavior. Time Magazine article, “The Long-Term Effects of Spanking” , by Alice Park, reports findings from a recent study: “the strongest evidence yet that children’s short-term response to spanking may make them act out more in the long run. Of the nearly 2,500 youngsters in the study, those who were spanked more frequently at age 3 were much more likely to be aggressive by age 5.”
Purposely inflicting pain on a child cannot be done with love. Sadly however, the child often learns to associate the two.
Loving our child does not mean keeping him happy all the time and avoiding power struggles. Often it is doing what feels hardest for us to do…saying “No” and meaning it.
Our children deserve our direct, honest responses so they can internalize ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, and develop the authentic self-discipline needed to respect and be respected by others. As Magda Gerber wrote in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, “The goal is inner-discipline, self-confidence and joy in the act of cooperation.”
This is groundbreaking post that inspired my bestselling book No Bad Kids and my new master course: nobadkidscourse.com!
Perfect timing! We have a child in our classroom who is very bright, well versed in expressing herself at 4 1/2 years old. YET she has ongoing pattern ofrunning between tables and chairs instead of walking, pushing, jumping on the cot at nap time, talking out of turn et el. She is constantly being ‘reprimanded’ by one of the teachers. Yet she continues to make the same choices, knowing full well she will be dealt with ‘harshly’; Today I actually wondered if there may be something a bit ‘off’ with her.. the realization that certain choices causes a specific effect seem not to register with her. What to do??
Reprimanding, and dealing harshly with a young child when she acts out is not as effective as being firm, but kind, matter-of-fact and unemotional. The teacher’s approach may be adding fuel to the fire, causing the girl to seek more negative attention. She senses the teacher’s annoyance and it makes her want to annoy more. A more objective point-of-view by the teacher would be helpful.
I suggest shadowing the girl, and giving gentle, but firm reminders and maybe some natural consequences like: “I don’t want you to run. I am going to hold your hand to help you slow down and walk.” “I will sit next to you to remind you not to jump on the cot,” and then gently hold her if she tries to. The teacher’s anger and annoyance have to be taken out of the equation. The girl needs help, not criticism. Hopefully she won’t take on the identity of “the bad girl.”
I hope this helps!
Perhaps this very *bright* child is frustrated with a pace of learning that doesn’t meet their needs? Is her attention seeking behaviour a symptom of that, I wonder? Perhaps an option you might try, is to give her some more advanced tasks that could occupy her mind and energy.
Possibly she’s bored, and is looking for distractions by distracting your other students in turn.
She sounds very similar to children who are facing sensory processing challenges. I would highly recommend having her evaluated by an occupational therapist who specializes in Sensory Integration. Her life (and those around her) will be so much easier to process once she begins receiving treatment! Good luck!
she sounds like a normal small child!!! please, lets not pathologize children because they dont “obey” at all times. janets suggestions are great. children need help, love, and guidance, not suggestions that they are odd or ill because they happen to be mildly inconveniencing a teacher. yikes.
Children with sensory processing are not odd. Or ill. They just have heightened or desensitized ways of processing their environment and a hard time self-regulating various senses. OT can work miracles. I’m not saying this child has SP issues, but please do not classify kids that do as abnormal.
As a preschool teacher and daycare provider, I have to ask what kind of “work” is she being expected to do?
At her age, pretty much any “seat work” where she is expected to crank out evidence of time well spent in “school” is probably inappropriate.
Preschool children learn best through play and play time activities such as dressing up (role playing) sidewalk chalk(fine motor skills) jumping rope (gross motor skills) many story times (cognitive development) and one on one activities between caregiver and child, do not have much evidence of teaching at the end of the day in the way of “junk” to take home.
Further, if you have a really active child who just is not settling down, she may just simply need more activity outside and more exercise just constructively express her energy levels.
I highly suspect that the expectations that are being put on her, are probably too high, especially if you have her in “school” all day five days a week. That is a lot for a little kid.
My suggestions sound abrupt and accusatory. I don’t mean them that way. I shouldn’t post when it’s late at night, :-/
If you suspect she has a sensory issue, then YOU are the mom and are in a place of where your intuition can help you better than any of us can.
However, I do suggest you evaluate her curriculum and that if she is in a setting where there is an emphasis on “education” more than “play” then that could probably be scaled back a bit.
great advice. and so simple too. thanks janet!
I agree with almost all of your points, except that I have to strongly disagree with 5 and 6. First of all, what’s the difference between a time-out and taking your kid to his room? Isn’t a time-out when you take your kid to his room until he’s calmed down? How is that different than taking him to his room to “flail and cry until he regains self-control?”
Second, you’re assuming that every behavior has a natural consequence. What if the child throws food because he WANTS mealtime to be over or because he WANTS to stay home? The rule in our house is that my son has to pick up his toys before bed. He’s pretty good about it but once in a while he just doesn’t want to go to bed or he doesn’t want to pick up his toys or both. What then? Tell him he can’t go to bed? Make him go to bed without picking up his toys? That’s exactly what he wants! I can’t MAKE him pick up his toys either because that’s just me picking them up for him while he throws a fit, which again is exactly what he wants. I’ve even tried taking his toys away and by the time he has a chance to play with him the next evening, he doesn’t even notice that they’re gone. The only solution that has ever worked is to give him a time-out. I put him in the middle of the room for two minutes, and then ask him if he’s ready to pick up his toys. If he says no, he gets another two minutes and I ask him again. I’ve never had to ask a third time.
There are also some “natural consequences” that you don’t want to occur. What about a child with an unnatural fascination with power outlets or trying to touch the stove when mommy is cooking? I’ve got a friend whose daughter used to throw her toys at the bedroom window when she was done playing with them. She didn’t care if they got taken away from her because she didn’t want them anymore anyway. She wasn’t throwing a tantrum or a fit, she was laughing and having a good time. And she didn’t care when her mother stopped her either. She WANTED her mother to stop her. It was a game. What should she have done? Let her break the window and then make her clean up the glass? Time-outs ended the behavior.
My own son had a serious recurring problem that was fixed with time-outs. I work at the Humane Society and I own my own dog training business. We have four dogs that I have never hit or mistreated in any way, and we usually have another two to four dogs at any given time that I’m caring for as part of either one of my jobs. Yet my son used to walk up to them several times per day, start petting them gently, and then suddenly smack them on the nose and run away giggling. I’m fortunate that I have very tolerant dogs, but the behavior needed to be corrected before he did it to someone else’s dog that maybe wasn’t so tolerant. I couldn’t keep him separated from the dogs 100% of the time. There will always be dogs around so he was going to have to learn to treat them properly. The only thing that worked was a series of long, firm, consistent time-outs. He no longer hits the dogs. How else could I have handled the situation? Let him get bit and develop a “natural” fear of dogs?
Hi Emma,
You bring up some important points that I am looking forward to addressing after I teach classes today.
I want to emphasize right now that SAFETY ALWAYS COMES FIRST! Of course we would NEVER allow our child to experience a dangerous consequence for behavior. Perhaps ‘natural’ was the not the best term — maybe ‘logical’ is better.
Thanks! More later.
I’m sorry I got defensive. It was late and I was tired. I do give my son time-outs and I think it can be effective, so when I read your post I took it personally. I definitely look forward to your comments.
Hi Emma,
First, I am sorry you were tired and took my post personally. I’ve certainly been there myself. Parents have such a hard job, and the last thing we need is to feel criticized for our choices. I felt a little defensive when I first studied Magda Gerber’s approach because it was so different from what I had been doing with my baby. Still, I couldn’t deny how right her ideas felt to me. That doesn’t mean they will feel right to you! Or maybe some will and some won’t. That’s okay! (And I learned when I was writing this post that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends time-out as an alternative to spanking. So, there you go.)
Now I’ll try to respond to your questions one at a time.
“Isn’t a time-out when you take your kid to his room until he’s calmed down? How is that different than taking him to his room to “flail and cry until he regains self-control?”
Taking a child to his room (or away from where he is playing) to help him calm down when he is out-of-control or behaving wildly is different from time-out. It isn’t used every time the child disobeys. And it specifically relates to the behavior. The child does not experience it as punishment. And you are with him. You don’t desert him to ruminate about his bad behavior.
“What if the child throws food because he WANTS mealtime to be over or because he WANTS to stay home? The rule in our house is that my son has to pick up his toys before bed.”
You don’t say how old your son is, but these sound like they might be unrealistic expectations. Toddlers cannot stretch out a meal and dine the way adults do. And they usually don’t throw food if they are still hungry. Asking a toddler to eat more than he wants, or to stay at the table until others are finished is asking a lot.
As an adult, I can anticipate the pleasure of waking up to a clean house. Still, I seldom feel like cleaning up at bedtime. Toddlers are usually extremely tired at the end of the day – not the best time to ask for much cooperation, in my opinion. Allowing only a few toys out at a time is a good way to help a child to choose to clean up, because you don’t let him take out more toys until those are put away. That is what I mean by a consequence. A child is more amenable to cooperation when he can ‘save face’ and choose, rather than being forced into it with punishments.
“What about a child with an unnatural fascination with power outlets or trying to touch the stove when mommy is cooking?”
Toddlers should not spend time in the kitchen. Kitchens are dangerous places. Children need a safe place to play. Outlet covers and other baby-proofing devices should be used diligently. If a child is in a dangerous situation we must stop them with a firm “No!” while instantly intervening to remove them from danger.
Telling a child “I won’t let you throw toys,” and taking the toys away is a logical consequence for throwing toys. Yes, I am sure that your friend’s daughter wanted her mother to stop her, and the mother should – immediately. She might also need to sit with her daughter for a minute until she calms down. So, are you saying she should then be punished with time-out to learn a lesson because she has been’ bad’? That kind of testing is normal toddler behavior. It may have become a game because the ‘time-outs’ gave it so much negative attention.
Of course you must stop your son when he hurts the dogs — firmly, but gently. Sometimes we forget that we have to model gentleness if we want our children to be gentle. I would not allow him to be alone with dogs (or any animal) no matter how tolerant they are, even though you believe the time-outs have corrected his behavior. How can you be sure? It isn’t worth the risk of his being bitten.
The problem with time-outs and other punishments is that they make our child feel we are ‘at odds’ with him, rather than on his side, working to help and teach him. That usually leads to a child acting-out even more. There are a lot of parenting techniques that work in the moment, but not so well in the long term. We have to define our goals. Yes, we would like an obedient child, but probably not at the expense of a relationship of mutual trust and respect. I believe we can have both, but not when the child is being punished to control his or her behavior.
Once again, take this advice or leave it. And thank you for your questions!
I agree with some of both statements (from Janet and the above reader/responder). I never believe that taking a child’s food a way for making a mess is appropriate. Even if they through it on the floor… to me the logical consequence is actually having the child help clean up; not take a way their meal altogether. If this is a child who repeats the behavior, then when would they ever get the nutrition.
I agree that “time out” is different from “time to calm down”… its a matter of how you treat the removal from activities; as you said not as a punishment but as a chance for the child to regain self control!
I’ve taken food away from kids PLENTY of times when they toss it around and act inappropriately, both with my own kids (I have 8, ages 24 years, down to 19 months) and my preschool/daycare kids. When babies and tots do it, they really are finished with their meal. When preschoolers do it, it’s just a natural consequence.
When meals and snacks are spaced no more than 4 hours apart, no one is going to be nutritionally deprived.
I have a choleric temperament and so does my oldest son – basically it means we are energetic people with a lot of passion, spirit and aggression – generally what people refer to as “spirited”. We BOTH need time out’s alone to regain control when we are truly angry and upset. Even having someone in the room I love dearly, who is being patient and sympathic is infuriating. The same has proven true for my son as a toddler- who has always and remains a cuddly guy (he’s 9 now)- he would just rage and rage if my husband or I was in the room with him when he was angry but leave him alone for a few minutes and he would emerge ready to talk about what had upset him and to think logically about what to do next. When he was little we would take him to his room when he lost control and now he puts himself in timeout when he feels he needs it (at school he will seperate himself from kids who are making him angry until he is calm again – his teachers have been amazed at this coping mechanism)
My point in telling this story is that just because a child is left alone while regaining control doesn’t mean the child has been deserted and ruminated on your actions can be a very positive thing and can lead to growth. My child came to all sorts of conclusions about how his aggression affected others while in “time-out”.
There is no loving or helpful way to spank, but I really do think our time outs were the best possible way to handle the situation.
Also I think that time-outs are an essential tool for parents who have the urge to spank and have trouble controlling it, time outs give both parent and child time to calm down, diffusing the situation and allowing for more loving and productive interaction between the two when they come back from their respective areas.
I think time-outs have gotten a bad rap, thanks in part to shows like Super Nanny. Just my two-cents.
Thanks for this thoughtful comment. I’m all for parent time outs! We can understand time outs and see them positively. Most toddlers can’t…they just feel punished. Having said that, I laud your sensitive understanding of your son and it sounds like listening to him has served both of you very well. If a child indicates that he does not want the parent there while he is raging or tantruming, then providing him some space is a sensitive, positive thing to do. Some children are like that. I would just make sure to verbalize to the child why you are leaving. Even if he can’t hear at that time, he will understand your respectful intention.
Emma,
with my son and daughter we called a situation where they needed to go to their room…. “Calm down time” They just knew things were getting out of hand and they needed to go calm down. Hope this helps….
sometimes just in the way things are phrased it changes the situation. =)
Emma i totally agree with you!
Loved this reminder, our 19month old is old enough to start learning the way of the land, being the youngest of 3 it is hard at times when his older siblings laugh and encourage naughty behaviour. Thanks for this, off to put it into action.
Thanks… I will try your suggestions tomorrow and see if there is a small change.
Keep you posted.
I just found a link to this article via another website, and I am so glad I found it! It is just what I needed.
Re: #8, how you mentioned:
“[T]he damage this kind of “conditional parenting”….causes, as the child grows to resent, distrust and dislike his parents, feel guilt, shame, and a lack of self-worth.”
This is how I was raised, with affection being entirely withdrawn whenever I momentarily (or repeatedly!) misbehaved. I can attest first-hand that these are the *exact* feelings that I had/(have?). But enough about me 😉 – I mainly wanted to say that I really appreciate what you are doing, and will be subscribing to your site.
JB, thank you, your comment made my day (night!) You don’t say if you have children, but exploring these issues as a parent, a future parent, or just as an adult is often quite healing. We figure some things out about ourselves…and then we have the opportunity to behave differently with our own children. I’m sure you would like Alfie Kohn’s book, Unconditional Parenting. I am now working on a post about “labeling” children, which I believe is something parents can unconsciously do. Our children then identify themselves with our labels: “I’m a bad kid.” “I’m shy, lazy, etc. ”
Thanks for subscribing, and I’ll look forward to hearing more from you.
Look up GLOP from Gordon Training. General Labelling of People. When you label someone, you speak only about them and not what they have done. “You’re naughty” gives no insight into the thing that they have done that you would like to be different. “The toy is broken” is precise and without judgement or blame. GLOP hurts and we can wear it for a really long time. Think of an adult who things “I’m not worthy” I’m hopeless/stupid/lazy/tardy/rude/crazy/shy” We learn how to think of ourselves by the thoughts and words of those around us and through the look on their faces when they see us. In that look or thought or word we define ourselves.
I think Magda had it exactly right when she asked the question “time out from life?” Yes, exactly. Sometimes we all, adults included, need to take a time out from life. I’ve been in the midst of heated conversations where I needed to force myself to take a break so that I didn’t say things that I would later regret. I don’t see the problem with using a time-out as a punishment, as long as it is used with discretion and age-appropriately. After all, as adults if we consistently disobey society’s rules in such a way that we break the law, we go to jail which I would think is the ultimate time-out. If a child misbehaves at school, they may get detention or even suspension if deemed necessary. I agree with the idea of logical consequences but the logical consequence of misbehaving in society, either as an older child or an adult is often being removed from a situation for a specified period of time.
Sam,
Toddlers have a natural impulse to test boundaries. They need our help to learn what we expect, and how to behave appropriately. Yes, they definitely need to be stopped when they are misbehaving. But then, they need to stay “in” life with us and figure out how to do better the next time. What do you think a toddler learns from disconnected punishments like “time-out”?
If a time-out is an immediate consequence to misbehaving after a warning has been given, what makes it “disconnected”? You’ve already established that not all bad behavior has a logical consequence so how do you handle disobedience in that situation?
I don’t view toddler testing and disobedience as “bad” behavior that needs to be punished. I don’t think it is possible for a toddler to be “bad”. Toddlers lack self-control. Most misbehavior is a plea for guidance of some sort, and isolating a child for a chosen amount of time does not give him that guidance — it only shames him. Time-out is disconnected, because it does not relate to the unacceptable act. If you can give me a specific example, I can tell you how I would handle it.
I think you are generalizing too much what time out is and is not. First and foremost, time out means different things to different people. A time out to you may mean isolation and disconnect. A time out to me, when is concerns my 19 month old, usually means a nap, for her. When it concerns my 3 year old, it usually means I’ve had it and enough is enough. When it concerns another child, it might mean time away from the group of other kids, but doing something else instead.
There is nothing wrong with letting a 3 year old know that you have reached your limit with her at that moment. Furthermore, I think it is perfectly valid and fine to realize that we as parents may need a moment of disconnect from the offending child, so that we can regroup and use out “nice but firm” voices. And for heaven’s sake, it’s not going to do a child “damage.” Kids are really not THAT fragile. What may be counterproductive, however, is making time out apparent to all the other kids in the group. That’s where shaming comes in and that IS counter-productive.
I think the main problem with time out, is that it can very easily be overdone and a kind of lazy fall back because we don’t know what else to do. I don’t think that is particularly damaging either, other than creating frustration regarding something that might have lost it’s effectiveness by overuse. But more than anything, time out just really needs to be a structured moment where a kid can kind of get a grip…away from the prying eyes of others…and a little bit out of our sight, just so we can regroup as well.
This really is very vague advice…I’ve been holding onto this for a while in my favorites…and I keep coming back to it…b/c I am hoping I will finally understand it.
All I can get from this is: When a child has disruptive behavior…you leave with them, and then sit with them. Sit there doing what? They’re not mina-adults, you can’t reason with them. No amount of talking to them will get them to understand your point of view.
What if my child doesn’t want to get dressed before school? My one threat to that has been, “Then you’ll go naked. And everyone will see your panties.” It works…but I don’t like that I basically have to embarrass my child into “good” behavior (it would really only be “good” if she were doing it herself, not being forced into it). It’s easy to say we’re not going to the park…but frankly, I would never take a child to the park that I just had to fight with to get dressed anyway. I’m much more concerned about getting out of the house on time for things like appointments and school. The park is optional, the others are not. …Even grocery shopping is not always optional. I abandoned many shopping carts in order to take my screaming, flailing child out of the store.
Finally, I just kept on shopping. Screaming child and all. It didn’t stop her behavior, or even make it better or easier to deal with…but I stopped running out of milk!
My child has been this way since she was about 3. Almost like someone flipped a switch. She has always been “strong”…but it’s to the point now where I’ve got her in play therapy…and the doctor suggested I read the 1-2-3 Magic book…So far, BOTH my kids have actually been more misbehaved than before. Doing 1-2-3 basically gives them 2 more chances to misbehave before I react. And since spanking has been taken out of the equation…all they do is play & goof around in time out. No, they don’t have toys, if they are taking it at the same time, I don’t let them sit near one another…but they manage to run me ragged anyway.
I parent alone for long periods of time b/c my husband is deployed. Frankly…I’m quite tired of people telling me how awful spanking is. After taking spanking out of the equation, I saw an increase in “wild” behaviors…running around, throwing things, yelling, etc.
And FWIW…I don’t think anyone was suggesting a child “play” in the kitchen…but kitchens are great places to get your child involved with the family and helping, learning how to do simple tasks (like folding napkins for the table, or giving every place setting a fork). My oldest (the “problem child”) is a picky eater…Having her in the kitchen may not make her LIKE the food I serve her…but at least gets her involved in the process of preparing & choosing it. I’m hoping one day when I put the plate in front of her she won’t have a 3 hour tantrum. 🙂
Hi Maegan,
I understand what you are saying about the “vagueness” of my advice. There is a reason for that… I don’t believe that there are one-size-fits-all discipline solutions, just general guidelines. After my classes tomorrow, I would be happy to try to address some of your specific concerns.
Thanks for reading my site, and for sharing your difficulties here. Please take good care!
Hi Maegan,
I finally found a moment to reply to some of your issues and I apologize for the delay.
First, I agree that it does not work to sit and reason with a toddler who has misbehaved. What I suggest (and as I said, it’s hard to generalize) is this: Stay as calm as possible. Let’s say your child is at the park and hits another child. Say calmly, but firmly, “I won’t let you hit.” Take the child’s hand and walk with him (or carry him) to a bench to sit and take a breather. Let him calm down for a few minutes, then ask if he is calm enough to play without hitting. Believe him and give him another chance. If he misbehaves again, take him home, but not because he’s “bad”, because he is obviously unable to behave that afternoon for whatever reason.
Parents must not give a child too much negative attention when he acts out, and that is one of the main reasons that “time-outs” don’t work (in my opinion). They become a game in which the child is treated in a special way… and almost enjoys, or feels deserving of the negative attention, and then continues to seek that attention.
Remember that the most important result of discipline is a relationship in which the child trusts and respects our guidance, and internalizes our values.
With the example you give about your daughter getting dressed, I would never use a consequence that shames or embarrasses. I would let her know unconditionally that you will protect her from embarrassment, that you would never allow her to be humiliated. But, you will insist that she dresses for school. She can choose one of two outfits to wear, but she must wear one of them and get dressed. If she cannot do it herself, you will have to do it for her.
Our children need to know that we are calm, benevolent leaders that will take wonderful care of them, even if that means doing something they don’t want to do in the moment.
I have enjoyed this article and the comments; however, what you are describing here is what I call a time out. If my son hits at the park, I take him on the bench by me for a “time out” until he’s ready to play again. Exactly the same thing. Just a different way to phrase it?
I have the same issue with my son getting dressed. It doesn’t matter what outfit- he doesn’t care, he just wants to get dressed. I think taking him out in his underwear would be the natural consequence there, and we have done that, but he usually gets dressed in the car or stroller before we arrive.
Thanks for this comment, Tiffany. Respectfully taking your boy out of the situation when he hits and talking to him until he calms down sounds good to me. But regarding getting dressed, I feel very strongly that natural consequences should never be painful, shaming, humiliating or even a little embarrassing. Then they become punishments that cause us to lose our child’s trust.
I agree with you 110%.
You don’t want to turn life into this “I’m the boss, you do as I say” dynamic, or a “Adult vs. Child – Adult always wins” kind of game. We have physical, emotional, and (hopefully) psychological advantages over our children that make it an uneven playing field. Your child has to know that you’re in this together, that you will always be there for him because believe me, he wants to always be there for you.
Let me offer full disclosure by saying that I am a nanny to a two year old boy. I have not as of yet given birth to anyone, but I have nearly ten years of experience as child care provider.
I have struggled throughout my years as a nanny on the issue of time outs. I find that they are mostly unsuccessful and often detrimental to the relationship of trust and respect that I have worked so hard to establish with the child up to that point.
Recently I tried it with my wonderful two year old after he whacked me pretty hard and pulled my hair. My emotions took over (it really hurt!), and I angrily sent him to the hallway for two minutes. I really regretted this decision because he did it again a few days later and said, “Need time out.”
This confused me. Was he acting out for attention? Did he realize he did something hurtful and desire a consequence that makes no real sense? Did he just like sitting in the hallway and saw hitting as a way to get there? No matter what the answer, it wasn’t a good one.
When I leave my emotions out of the situation, however hard that may be -especially if I just got my hair pulled, things work out for the better. I can calmly say, “I will not let you hit,” and be all done with whatever activity we were doing.
I also try to explain WHY it isn’t ok to hit. I explain that I would never ever hit him because I love him and respect his feelings and body. Every person, young and old, deserves respect.
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I’m with you, Maegan! Read The Srong-Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson or any of his other books rather than this “positive parenting” silly stuff. (I realize I’m a couple years late. Sorry for that).
eva has been throwing things.. broke two glasses. she had a growth spurt and now easily reaches things off the counter suddenly…then shortly after the last broken glass, she threw some plastic bowls rather violently. so in desperation, i put her in a sort of time out. i asked her to calm down and sit on her stool. she was happy to sit on her stool. the next day, she threw a plastic bowl and before i could say anything, she asked “where’s my stool?”
Susan, I love this! Such a wonderful example of a toddler’s desire for limits and boundaries. Helping Eva to sit and calm down is the perfect response. When a toddler is out-of-control she needs us to intervene and guide her to calm down, not punish her for being “bad”. This is very different from ‘time-out’ in my opinion.
I had a similar example with an 16 month old who began to throw whatever it was in his hand. I looked at the situation and noticed there was no link to anything, except for a need for throwing and testing. I knew that he wanted me to make sure that there were certain limits set. I think toddlers are especially deft in exploring the lines on limits and is part of the reason I enjoy working with them.
With this child, I began at first by reminding him that if he felt like throwing he can throw something soft like a silk, or a stuffed toy, or ball. After trying that for a week or so to no avail I realized I was saying far too many words. So I decided to compromise with myself. I was ok with anything soft being thrown, even our silicone bowls because the throwing was simply a safety issue for me. But for the sake of this child, I simplified and told him “It seems like you need to throw. You can get a ball!” He knew were the balls were and he hurried over to get one and threw it across the room. The joy and relief that rolled off of him was palpable. Since then he has evolved from throwing everything to checking in before throwing (looking at me with a block cocked up to his shoulder) to simply going to the ball box and emptying it with satisfaction. It was a relief to both of us because we were able to have a safe game instead of the stressful one where I constantly say, “I won’t let you throw. You can use it safe. Safe choices….Safe choices… Oh bummer…”
Thanks for your work Janet!!
my son is 21 months and is a big thrower right now. he is constantly doing the whole “look at me before he throws something” I wasn’t letting him throw anything in general because i thought it might confuse him, but I like your idea about throwing “soft things”
My daughter is the same way! It took me awhile to connect that when she was so willing to go sit in time out, she knew she needed it. She wasn’t just being suddenly agreeable, she wanted a boundary set.
I loved this entire article. I could relate so much to it. I parent quite differently than my mom and sometimes it can be hard. My natural instinct is to yell because that’s what I heard growing up, but I know the answer lies in staying calm. I just remind myself of what it is like to be on the receiving line.
Usually when a toddler becomes aggressive, defiant, destructive, it’s their way of showing frustration. Either frustrated because they’re tired, because they want your undivided attention or because they have some other need at that moment that is not being fulfilled and they don’t know how to tell you or how to get your attention other than becoming violent and doing exactly what they know they’re not supposed to do. When a toddler becomes defiant and destructive it’s best to stop what you’re doing, get down on her level, sit with her, hold her, and be with her. Ask her what she needs. And listen to her. Observe her. Discover her subtle cues. She most definitely is needing something.
HI janet,
I am looking for a resource that gives examples of the RIE approach for preschoolers. We really like the approach, but I find it very useful to read through examples to help me get a sense of how I might help my kids when they are upset and when we are butting heads. I have read Unconditional Parenting, which I like, but I imagine there are other resources that would be good for this 3.5-5 year old age group. Thanks!
Hi Claire,
Hmmm! I don’t know of a specific book to recommend, but if you gave me some scenarios I might be able to give you a RIE-based point of view on handling them.
And, please excuse me because this is very fresh in my mind, but this would be a perfect topic to bring up in the “preschool years and beyond” section of my new community forum. https://janetlansbury.com/community/ Others may have good books to point you to!
My son has a rage issue. I can tell him that if he throws something again, I will take it away. But then when I do in fact take it away, the rage that pours out of him is unreal. I put him in his room and tell him that he can come out when he calms down. But then, he starts throwing things in anger, screaming as loud as he can, and has even driven his “driving toys” into the walls repeatedly as part of his rage.
I don’t know how to manage this rage. I don’t understand it. I realize at this age (he’ll be 3 this month) they get frustrated, but I’ve never seen anything like this in a child, and I was a nanny for years!
I’ve called the doctor to have him checked for ADHD or other disorders, but I don’t really think that is the problem. He is wonderful the rest of the time.
He doesn’t seem to make the connection between hitting and causing pain either. He hits at random, and we’ve even had to lock the cat in another room for his own protection. He hits the cat with any object in his hand (not in anger) and then gets upset when I try to discipline him. He just does not understand that what he is doing is causing pain.
He also does not make any connection between any punishment and the reason for that punishment. (i.e. – time out, going to his room, having something taken away).
I’m at my wits end. He just doesn’t seem to understand that when he hits somebody (including me), that it hurts and he shouldn’t do it. Even when he repeats what I’ve said that he did wrong. He says sorry after his fits because I tell him to, but I know he has no clue what “sorry” actually means.
Help!
Hi Tiffany,
I have heard other parents mention the kind of rage you describe and I advise asking your doctor to recommend a psychologist who you could at least consult with.
I wouldn’t punish or discipline him. I would stop him as calmly, kindly and confidently as possible when he is misbehaving. Take away whatever it is that he is using unsafely or remove him from the situation and then find safe ways for him to deal with his anger in response. Dealing with him harshly or punitively will make things worse, in my opinion. He needs help and understanding, so that he can calm down and regain control of himself.
I believe he knows that hitting hurts and that he shouldn’t do it, and he probably knows by now that he should say, “sorry”. But like many children his age, he lacks self-control and is also testing you. Don’t tell him that hitting hurts or that he should say “sorry” during those episodes of misbehavior. Save those kinds of lessons for a pleasant conversation you might have during in a happy time together. In the moment, just stop him gently, but firmly and leave it at that. Give the behavior as little attention as possible. We can fuel the fire when we say too much, do too much or get angry. I know it’s challenging not to get upset or angry, but your boy needs to know that you can handle these situations with him easily…that they are not a big deal.
Don’t let him use the trucks when he’s angry. Give him pillows. Stay nearby if possible to make sure he is “raging” safely, but encourage him to release all his feelings. He’s not a “bad boy” for being angry, losing control, having “bad” feelings. Feelings are just feelings. Let him know that his anger is okay with you, you understand how hard it is for him when you say “no”or take something away, you love him and you will help.
Tiffany, PLEASE let me know how this goes. And take good care!
Tiffany,
I have an adult friend who, as a child, acted exactly as your son did. I can remember being so scared of him. Our mothers were best friends, and my mother did not want me around the boy, but she stayed in contact with her friend (over the phone, via letters, etc) though out the years. His mother always used a kind of calm “discipline” (if you even want to call it that) with him and was never firm or strict with him at all. She never had any follow thru. Just would ask him nicely, in a soft voice, to “stop that” and then not follow thru with punishment necessary punishment. She found him out back killing a bunny when he was 4. He never understood consequences, and never understood the concept of inflicting pain. He would be fine one minute and then he would rage out of control over simple little things the next minute. Many times my mother (and others) suggested that she take him to a psychotherapist even a plain old child psychologist. She never did.
He is an adult now. A couple years ago he burned down his mother’s house & tried to murder her. She got out fine, and, of course, never filed charges.
Please, please, please, take Janet’s advise and seek therapy for BOTH you & your son. Do it now while he is young.
Your story hits so close to home for me. I wish you the best of luck.
I have read that when a child expresses this much rage that it is helpful to hold them calmly but securely, in such a way that they cannot hurt you with flailing arms and legs. You can look this up to see what it looks like. At this point you are just letting the child get out their rage in a safe way. It’s like giving them loving and immediate boundaries. You are not trying to reason with them or talk with them at this time, beyond “you are safe, you are safe.” And I agree that you should consult a specialist — get a reference for someone who is experienced with this and will not recommend drugs or punishment. Some children with bonding issues behave this way and it takes them a while to work through the rage and gain trust. Not saying that your child has that issue, just that he may have the same rage and respond similarly to this hold.
Holding therapy is abusive. Restraining a child who is feeling this way will not help him, it will make him feel confined and stuck. There is a reason why holding therapy is not a credible therapy option, and why licensed psychologists and specialists do not recommend it.
As a child, I was like this. Not so much aggressive but I definitely had a temper and knew what I wanted and nobody could tell me no! At two years old I used to get so mad that I’d hold my breath so long I would pass out. I remember that rage and how it pulsed through me. It feels like an urge to crash through a window and run run run run. It’s energy, emotion, power, frustration all mixed into one child. (Yes, I was diagnosed with “severe” ADHD so I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the idea of him having it. In fact the worst thing you could do is deny him having it or deny him having some real issues.)
Next time he rages uncontrollably, I would leave him alone. Let him throw his toys in his room, let him express those emotions. Don’t respond to it in an angry way or sad way… that only makes it worse. Acknowledge his anger “wow you are really angry right now.” and be as calm and matter of fact as possible. Let him realize how out of control he’s being compared to your calmness. He will soon get out of his rage, feeling better than before and then you can approach him without shame and try to help him label his feelings. Talk to him respectfully about maybe how he was feeling and what he was really wanting at that time. By NOT playing into his explosions, you prevent an unnecessary power battle and instead model a calm and accepting behavior of his need to express an emotion. Later talking about it with him calmly is the best time to help him… not in the midst of the storm. Just let him be.
hi, your advice is very good, but I have a question and want some advice for some school behavior. My daughter is turning 4 in a month and has just started nursery school 4 days ago and she just doesn’t want to sit down and listen to the teachers.
From the moment I drop her off she goes into the play area and likes to run around and play with different things every few minutes. At the nursery they have a specific time for playing at each section and also for sitting on the carpet for story time or learning, but my daughter just doesn’t want to sit down.
The teacher complained on the first day and then a teachers assistant complained the next day. They told me she’s just all over the place and wont calm down. The teachers assistant also said that there is 1 teacher and 2 teachers assistants for about 15 kids and that my daughter needed one to herself. She suggested I bring in a family member to help look after her, but I don’t have anyone to come in.
I go to school and my husband works 10 hours a day. I felt as if the teachers assistant was being unfair, because it is only the first week. I was sensing that she wanted me to bring someone to watch her or if not just take her out of nursery. She was panicking in a way like she has never seen an over active child before.
I don’t know what to do. If she really doesn’t deserve to go to nursery than I might have to quit school and just stay home with her for another year or so. My daughter is an only child and has never been with so many children or even a daycare before. Are the teachers being fair?? or do they have a right to act this way.
Any advice would be good, I am desperate and need some help. She is also constantly embarrassing me in public and never wants to listen. by the way the nursery is in a public school.
Is this school your only option? Expecting 4 year olds to sit down and listen to instruction is not always reasonable, or even desirable. Is your daughter loud and disruptive, or does she just want to play rather than sit? My son is a very good student, but even last year (in 3rd grade) the teacher allowed him to stand while he worked because he’s so active and fidgety sometimes. This year he says he doesn’t need to do that anymore.
In my opinion, the purpose of preschool is socialization. Your daughter needs to learn through play with other children (and maybe an optional circle time), not a teacher’s lesson plan. Couldn’t they give her the choice to play quietly nearby, rather than forcing her to sit and listen to them?
I’m sorry to say that this doesn’t sound like a good place for your daughter right now…especially if the staff is not experienced enough to know how to handle the situation without labeling her a “problem”. I really wish I had a better solution for you.
In regard to her behavior with you, I need more specifics. How does she embarrass you? What are you asking her to do that she’s not doing? I would love to try to help you any way I can. Please take care!
I have had a similar situation but my little guy started preschool at 3 and he is a young 3. I am in the process of pulling him out of his current school and placing him in a Montesorri setting. He has never been around other children and loves his school, so I hope his transition will be a smooth one. Any suggestions to make it easier on him?
Hi! Sorry, but just noticed some comments I didn’t answer here and hopefully your boy isn’t in college already! I’m sure you’ve dealt with this situation, but I would say be honest and encourage him to express any negative feelings he might have about the change… Also, project confidence about your choice. He can’t feel settled about the new school if you don’t.
Thanks for a good post. Building on a few of the themes already posted in the comments, what thoughts can you offer about discipline when sibling rivalry turns agressive? It’s a topic that, oddly, doesn’t seem to be covered very often – it seems different than agression and tantrums with other kids, if only b/c you have to manage two kids at once! My almost-5 y.o. is often agressive with his brother (2), and it seems like it has gotten more deliberative in the past few months. It is usually prompted by an argument over a toy (either sharing or disagreement on the set-up) but not always.
I’ve tried to model the behavior that I want to see; I’ve tried to just focus on the younger one when the older one becomes agressive; I’ve tried to help him choose other choices – but he usually fixates on what he has decided he wants and it escalates into close-to-a-tantrum, and I then take him up to his room to calm down.
A related issue is that he will sometimes pinch, scratch, hit his brother – sometimes provoked, sometimes seemingly randomly for no reason. He is always completely honest about it. We’ve tried being matter-of-fact to say “that’s not okay, we don’t hit, here’s something else you can do”; we’ve tried taking him out of the common space and letting him know he can return when he can be respectful. But there doesn’t seem to be a good “logical consequence” to hitting someone else!
I should say that when we’ve tried different things, it’s usually for a few weeks at a time. We might not be 100% consistent (and I know that’s key) but it doesn’t seem like we are seeing progress and maybe even seeing further regression.
Probably more than you can respond to, but perhaps you can provide some thoughts about “logical consequences” for hitting, etc?
Hi! I have some thoughts to share with you, and am looking forward to doing so… just got a little tied up! In the meantime, please have a look at this discussion about sibling issues in the community forum. There’s a lot of information here: https://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=17/
Take good care!
Here’s a post I wrote in response to another parent’s question about sibling issues: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/09/sibling-struggles/
I don’t know when you posted this about sibling hitting etc because I can’t see the date….
But I do have advice! I think if you have ONE system for both sons then it would be a lot easier to manage! They know what to expect when they chose a behavior that is not ok, like hitting!
Check out my Character Coin Chart System!
It will REALLY help you if you start one system and stick with it… and this system works REALLY well with ALL children!
http://lifesprinkledwithglitter.blogspot.com/p/behavioral-chart-for-your-2-6-year-old.html
I love this post – very practical, and very in-line with my own parenting philosophy. Thanks so much for linking to it! 🙂
Hello, Your advice has been so helpful to our family, thank you.
I am having an issue with my 22 month old. She has always been very affectionate (loves cuddles and kisses) and very social with other children. Recently a switch has just turned and she is horrible with other children. She does not just hit and pinch, she grabs hair and pulls them to the ground, grabs faces and holds on and is acting like a real bully. Today at a play centre an older boy hit her and she hit him back and was laughing and wanted him to hit her again (like this was how she wanted to play). It seems (including when she plays with us) that she now associates playing with aggression. When she is playing with other children she gets really riled up and grits her teeth and just cant seem to contain her energy and aggression. My husband and I are not aggressive people and we understand you must lead by example which we feel we do and I have been roleplaying with dolls to try and help her understand. I explain to her what is expected of her but I am worried that this will escalate as she has already given a little baby welts on his face from grabbing his face in her hands.
I have recently taken her out of day care which she was going to 2 days a week so she can stay home with me. She was showing a few signs of aggression (although nothing like she is now) before I took her out so I am unsure if this is relevant. She has recently developed a lot more language and understanding of things as well. A mother at the playground thinks she is like this because she is frustrated that she cant communicate but she is not trying to communicate with the children she hurts, she just walks up to where they are so she can hurt them.
Thank you.
Hi Abbie,
First I’m wondering if there have been any changes in your daughter’s life that might help explain the “switch” that you describe, any stressors she might be dealing with right now. It doesn’t make sense to me that her personality would just change “out of the blue”. I would be helpful to know more…
The next thing I’m struck by is your comment that she is “very affectionate (loves cuddles and kisses)”. That sounds positive, but sometimes when we are very affectionate with infants and toddlers, we inadvertantly break their boundaries…we overpower and overwhelm them, even though they may giggle and seem to enjoy it. There may be older children, friends or relatives who are overpowering her in this intentionally loving way. If she has felt “out of control”, it can cause her to act out aggressively. (I wrote more about this here: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/06/can-babies-love-too-much-teaching-children-to-give-affection-with-respect/ )
It is safest to insist others ask her before touching, kissing or hugging her, so that she can feel in control of the access others have to her body. If everyone respects her personal boundaries she is more able to understand and respect the boundaries of others.
Try not to view your daughter’s behavior as bully-ish…She’s just a normal toddler who is losing control sometimes and needs help. For the time being, until this phase passes, I would stay very close when she is in a social situation and calmly, kindly, but firmly stop her from touching or being touched by another child. I wouldn’t give her access to younger babies at all. Anticipate any touching, hitting or pushing and place your hand in between her and the other child if you can. Stay calm, but stop her before it happens saying, “I won’t let you.” “That’s so-in-so’s body.”
If your daughter seems riled up, pick her up and remove her from the situation immediately. “You’re having a hard time. I’m going to pick you up.” She’s lost control. Take her somewhere where she can calm down. Don’t get angry with her and don’t lecture or even explain. She knows very well that she shouldn’t hit or hurt anyone. What she needs to know is that you will be there consistently to stop her and help her when she loses control. It may feel a little punishing to you, but it will bring her comfort.
If you have the opportunity to help her communicate with another child, say something like, “Are you asking for a turn on the slide?” Or, “are you trying to say, ‘I want to use that’?” “Are you trying to get the boy’s attention? Ask him if he’d like to play with you.” Hopefully the caregivers at the center were intervening with her productively this way. Above all, try not to project anxiety or worry. This will pass if you can project calm control. She needs to know that you’ll help her through this stage. Ultimately, this will strengthen your relationship, bring more mutual trust and understanding.
Take care! And please keep me posted.
I love the CEO framework! Similar to Michael Bradley’s idea of the dispassionate cop. So important to not take things personally, and yet SO hard.
Very true. That is the challenge. I used to imagine putting on a ‘suit of armor’ when my eldest had a tantrum because she disagreed with one of my “nos”. So important not to ‘take on’ our child’s or any loved one’s feelings.
Hi Janet, I’ve happen across this website purely by chance… I’m a mother of a little girl who has just turned 3. She is both loving and affectionate but certainly has her fair she of tantrums. My problem with her at the moment is that she is horrible to take anywhere. As soon as we get to our destination she asks to go home, then gets herself so worked up about it that often we don’t have a choice but to do exactly as she asks!
She was so excited the other day to go to her cousins house to play and as soon as we got to there front door, it started! Even fun things, like going to the park are becoming a battle. I don’t understand because these are people and places that she used to love seeing. Are there any suggestions of how to deal with this, any plans of action to take? I don’t want to go out all day, everyday but I can’t be stuck at home all day either.
Hi Lauren, and thank you for asking. I’m going to sleep on this and answer you tomorrow. Take care…
Hi Lauren! It sounds to me like your daughter is testing and resisting you. It would help me to have more information about your dynamic together, but my first instinct, especially since she asks to leave places that she enjoys, is that this is a giant test.
To diffuse the situation, I would 1) give her plenty of advance preparation for whatever you are planning to do; 2) If it is something you are doing strictly for her enjoyment (like the park), and she then changes her mind and want to leave, I would go home immediately and be calm and matter-of-fact about it. “I thought you’d enjoy the park, but you want to leave, so we’ll go right home.” Don’t try to coax her to stay, and don’t let her get a rise out of you! And 3) If it’s somewhere you want or need to be, like her cousin’s, I would say calmly and confidently, “I know you want to go, but we are going to stay for 20 more minutes while I visit with Aunt Beth. You can sit on my lap if you’d like”. Then let her cry and complain all she wants to. Staying CALM, holding steady and projecting confidence is the most important thing.
This scenario happens often in the RIE Parent/Toddler Classes. The child says she wants to leave and if the parent complies, the child often changes her mind and says she wants to stay, or the minute she steps outside does a 180 from crying hysterically to being totally fine. Remember, YOUR needs matter, too. Parents enjoy our classes and gain a lot of support and guidance (and 99% of the time the children have a blast, too), so the parents don’t want to leave early and they shouldn’t have to… But they do have to stay strong and endure the crying or temper tantrum. It is drama, not pain and agony.
Occasionally the child is exhausted or feels unwell, and that’s another story. In that case the parent should take the child home early. But in the end, I believe our children want us to remain strong and make those decisions for them. They will continue to test until we assert ourselves calmly and take charge.
Another fab article!!! Spent two hours training child carers last night in behaviour management, and you should have heard the gasps when I suggested NO TIME OUT took about an hour to calm them down and convince them that it wasn’t necessary. The most common response but it makes me feel better and feel like I’ve done something? ( I will actually be honest and say that I have used time out very very succesfully as a last resort in managing behaviour of children with SIGNIFICANT needs who are older, and this has been planned and monitored, and actually using it within the context of a warning e.g. stop the behaviour……. (not stopped) you are choosing to go to time out) But I generally feel that it does not have a place within the early years, it makes me so sad when I hear of 14 month olds being given time out for not sharing or the like!!
Bea, thank you!!!
Yes, the way you’ve used time out with older children makes far more sense than punishing toddlers, when they have such little impulse control and are just learning and testing “the ropes”. Even if it wasn’t “sad”, it’s not productive. It teaches children nothing except that they are incapable and BAD. Instead of trying to control children’s behavior, we need to give them the guidance to help them learn to temper it. Like much of what we teach at RIE, it’s about treating toddlers like capable people.
Hi Janet. We are wondering how to approach this issue with our 3 year old, since we are feeling like he is starting to get past the “can’t control his impulses” stage.
We have used “the calm-down place” in the past, with good success, actually. Our son would go get his blanket, suck his thumb, and return in a much calmer, happier state of mind. But your post is now causing me to doubt this approach.
Yesterday he was in the room where I was folding laundry. He very deliberately looked at me, grabbed some clean clothes, and threw them on the floor. I’ve told him MANY times that this is not appropriate. So it’s clear he is testing me.
So (in as calm a way as I could) I told him not to throw the clean clothes on the floor, and removed him from the room and shut the door. He cried for a minute, but then went off to play somewhere. I interpret that to mean that he knew he was in the wrong and accepted the consequences. Yet, strictly speaking, I was “isolating” him.
Similarly, he’s been climbing on and poking us lately (I know, we should have set better boundaries earlier :)). I’ve been telling him “I don’t like that. I’m not going to play with you” and walking away. Again, leaving him alone.
So, is there a better approach? Thanks!
Hi Jodie! Wow, I’m just noticing that I am behind on responding to some of the comments here… I don’t know how these got away from me, but please be patient and I’ll comment back as soon as I can…
Hi Jodie! I would just give your boy a little more connection. Acknowledge your boy’s desires, give him choices and guidance for more appropriate ways to act on them. For example, when he climbs and pokes I would say, “I won’t let you hurt me.” Set him down, and then say, “Are you trying to play with me? I’ll come play in a few minutes when I’m done with such-in-such. You can stay here next to me or play in the other room until I’m done.”
In the laundry scenario you could say, “Can you please pick those up again? OK, then I’ll do it. If you need my attention, please say ‘Mommy, I need you.’ I’ll be with you in 10 minutes when I’m done with the laundry. If you’d like to help me I’ll be done sooner.”
Don’t forget to give him time when you are 100% present with him, if you’re not already doing that. 🙂
I have a question. I do not disagree with you. I would love to agree w/you & follow it & have it work. But I don’t know that I feel it is possible!!! I just need some guidance, I guess.
My daughter turned 2 in March. She has always been a “wild” child. I don’t mean to label & I do not think of it in any way as a bad thing. She is spunky & has a lot of personality! I would not want her any other way!
However, because of that spunk she is out of control sometimes! A major problem, is when we are with other children, that are around the same age, she will hit, push, grab toys, kind of be the bully. Even though, most of her friends are boys. I try to remain positive & don’t usually spank or yell at her. Unless she does something really bad, like hit someone with something. I do try to handle the situation calmly. Even though, I feel as though, the other parents may think I should be doing more, to correct my child. I agree that she is not a “bad” kid, she is just a 2 year old. But it’s hard to justify that w/the other kids, who are also 2 & do not behave like she does.
That’s I guess my first question. Just what am I doing wrong? I’ve tried the time-outs, I’ve tried the lets go sit in your bedroom & talk about what you’ve done wrong. I guess it’s just a phase? & I need to deal w/it until she is over it?
Also, this one I foresee being an issue shortly. I am also expecting a baby in a few months. And as of right now, my daughter is an only child & she gets me all to herself, whenever she wants. If she is cranky when she wakes up (which she usually is), I will hold her & comfort her. If she wants to be carried to the kitchen for a cup of milk in the morning, I do it. If she is crying because she doesn’t feel well & just wants to sit on mommy’s lap that’s what we do. She is basically, kind of clingy, which I do not mind. I love my baby & I want to cherish these days for as long as possible. I don’t think anything is more important than being with her & showing her how much I love her.
However, once this baby comes, w/how demanding a newborn is; along w/I plan on nursing. I don’t know what to expect from her. I don’t want her to resent me or the baby, because I cannot give her all my time.
So, I have been lately trying to make her be more independent & self-soothe, like making her walk to the kicthen in the morning, despite her crying “mommy, up”, or letting her cry when she doesn’t get her way w/o comforting as much. I just want to prepare her & I don’t want her to think I am giving all this time to the new baby & not to her.
Please give me any advice you can! I would appreciate it!
Thank you!
Hi Kelly! Wow, there is a lot here to respond to, but these thoughts come to mind…
1) The out-of-control “wild-child”… I know you don’t mean this description negatively, but remember… a parent’s thoughts can be self-fulfilling prophecies. Young children are very, VERY sensitive and aware. 🙂
If a child is behaving in an out-of-control manner she is asking us to help her. She needs you to take more control — not in a heavy, stern, angry or punitive way, but calmly and kindly. Stay very close to your daughter in social situations, especially if she is in a particularly “wild” mood. Be there to intervene before she hits or pushes. Stay matter-of-fact, but don’t allow this behavior. Care. Take her home if she can’t stop acting out, even if it’s a wonderful birthday party and you just arrived there. Don’t put her in “time-out”, but let her know that you understand her when she is signalling that she can’t handle a situation successfully by taking her out of the situation. She doesn’t want to be that out-of-control girl either.
2) The new baby… Your daughter’s behavior makes even more sense because you are expecting and her world feels off balance and out of control. DON’T push her to be more independent. Keep welcoming the “clingy” as much as your comfort allows or is appropriate. After the baby, she will have to share you and kind guidance will be even more important… Please read: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/how-to-be-the-gentle-leader-your-child-needs/
And also: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/02/a-childs-cry-for-attention/ and https://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/04/positive-parenting-in-the-tantrum-zone/
Hope this helps!
Hello Janet,
I am new to your site and am so appreciative of your words of advice. I have been searching though for some thoughts on how to respond to a situation where your child is the victim of aggressive behavior? All I have found are tips for dealing with the child who is the aggressor and I wonder if you might be able to say something about what I should do if my son is on the receiving end.
The situation began when my son, who is 16 months, was at his cousins house, a 17 month old, and the cousin would push him every time they were together. The parents said this was his pattern and that they were going to try to be more diligent about trying to prevent it but while we were there the little one was told not to do it a few times but not every time. I was at a loss for what to do. My son looked up at me every time and would cry pretty hard. Eventually he would cry when the other boy came into the room so I ended up picking him up most of the time.
This happened again at a play area with another child and by the end of the day my son was having a hard time. I spoke to him in private about what happened and each time I tried to validate that being pushed did not feel good but I was not being very loud or preventing the other child from doing it and I probably should have.
So I guess my question is, what would be your suggestion in this type of situation? It is just eating me up for I want to protect my son yet let him learn interacting skills. Plus the aggressive child was not mine but was related (always sticky).
Thank you so much for all the you give on this blog! It is truly a gift.
Warmly,
Jessica
Hi there!
I got here through a link from Tripping Mom, which I sometimes read, and loved it. This is going to be a tad long because I have a different background from most parents here, I believe, so some things need to be explained.
My two-year-old is strong-minded and VERY energetic, yet pretty calm at the same time (a friend of mine calls her Miss Switzerland the Neutral because other kids might be raising hell around her and she just stands there doing whatever it is she was doing before and staring at the craziness), tidy and affectionate. She’s never thrown a real tantrum, although there have been times when she started crying (not screaming, just crying) like crazy for no reason that I could see. When that happens my technique is to sit down (no matter where I am – last time was at the Van Gogh Museum at Amsterdam…) so we can be at the same height, and she usually climbs on to my lap, hugs me and cries until she’s done. Talking and reasoning doesn’t help at all, and after reading a few of the articles here I’ve finally understood why – there’s usually a logical reason underlying her crying and she just needs to vent her emotions. In her case in particular I think it’s mostly tiredness; she goes to bed late every day, her sleeping is very poor and she jumps and runs around all the time so it makes sense that at a certain time she gets too exhausted to think properly or control herself.
So I don’t have a real question to ask here; I can by no means say it’s been a walk in the park so far, but when I see other children we normally hang out with I just take a deep breath and acknowledge how lucky I am to have such an “easy” child. I just wanted to know your opinion about the Montessori method. The thing is, I live in rural Italy (Assisi, to be exact, right in the middle of the country) and the close-mindedness around here is appalling to say the least. I’m Brazilian, so a lot of the things I do “differently” when it comes to raising my daughter – such as talking to her in Portuguese, encouraging her to try any “exotic” food we may be eating, traveling a lot, never hitting her or time-outing her, absolutely refusing to baptize her – is seen as foreign, strange, exotic, eccentric. It’s very tough, and lonely. My husband is from here but he’s not really very Italian in his reasoning, the poor thing (it gets lonely for him too…); he doesn’t have time to read so he lets me do the studying and then we’ll talk about things together and try to do the best we can.
We were kinda desperate when she turned from baby to toddler because it meant it was time we started wondering what kindergarten to send her to. There’s NOTHING interesting around; most of our friends send their kids “to the nuns” (Catholic kindergartens and nurseries) “because that’s the way it’s always been done”, because they went there when they were little, and because that’s what’s expected of them. Last year a Montessori school opened near here and we almost screamed with joy. Finally, SOMETHING DIFFERENT! And a bilingual school to boot; Italian and English! She’ll be starting in September (she turned 2 in January), probably just a few mornings per week (I’m a free-lance translator and work from home so she’s always stayed at home with me), and I’m curious to see what’s going to happen because their methodology is so different from what they do at “the nuns”. Is there anything to read about your view of Montessori in the website? If not, do you think you could share your thoughts with me? I don’t have any other choice anyway, so she’ll be going there and that’s it, but listening to the opinion of someone whose views you respect and have a lot to learn from can only be a good thing.
Thank you and sorry for the lengthy post!
Leticia
Hi Leticia! Your instincts around discipline and tantrums sound very healthy to me. Keep following them and model what you do for others, rather than trying to convince them…it’s more effective and a lot less stressful. 🙂 And…thank your lucky stars about the Montessori school! It is a philosophy wholly based in respect for children. Individual schools interpret Maria Montessori’s teachings a little differently, but generally, it is a wonderful philosophy and you can’t really go wrong. Yay!
I appreciate everything you have said but I have two children ages 5 and 7. My 5 year old is the same size as my 7 year old and she is average. I have issues of tag-teaming with them. When one is “testing” and I am trying to handle that, the other will start in by trying to pick a fight with the one that I am dealing with and a small war will break out. Difficult being a single mom, but then I also run a childcare where a child will hit and bite – I have been looking for triggers so we might avoid it but I see none other then the victims are the same size child. Not sure how to handle that because it isn’t anger, hunger, or tired feelings – how do you stop a 20 month old from doing something that you can’t see coming? If you can enlighten me I would be greatful as I have received the same advice over and over again that doesn’t fit the situation and feel like someone needs to actually come and sit here for a week to actually see what I am talking about. Thanks
Hi Michelle! First, in regard to your children…please read “Siblings Without Rivalry”. It is one of the best parenting books I have ever read and I still keep it in the drawer of my bedside table. It will help you understand that the way we intervene in sibling battles can make a huge difference.
Now, regarding the child at your center… It’s true that someone might have to come and observe to really understand the situation, but based on what you have told me…here’s what I’d probably do… I would (calmly) “shadow” that child so that I could be there to intervene when it looked like she was going to hit or bite. Then I would block the action with my hand and say matter-of-factly, “I won’t let you hit (or bite).” I would try to figure out want the child might want in the situation and maybe acknowledge, “Did you want to use that toy so-in-so has? She seems to be still using it. Please find something else you’d like to use.” Or, “are you trying to get so-in-so’s attention? play with her?” It is often calming and helpful for a child in this situation to feel her needs acknowledged and understood, all the while keeping the behavior boundary in place. This may sound like a lot of work for you or your staff, but if you can do it for a few days consistently and confidently, remaining calm, the behavior will probably pass.
In the meantime, I would explore with the parents (tactfully and respectfully) what might be happening at home to cause this behavior. It could be that the parents aren’t giving consistent. clear boundaries and this child is asking for help with that, or they could be reacting with anger when she misbehaves…fueling the fire so that the child is compelled to continue seeking negative attention. It could also be a result of this child’s personal boundaries being invaded, however innocently…i.e., the child is tickled, rough-housed, or even hugged and picked up without being warned or asked first… Some children are extra-sensitive to that kind of handling. Do you do ever do home visits? That could be very enlightening. You might notice something… Perhaps the parents are letting the child play roughly with the dog because the dog “doesn’t mind,” but the girl is getting the message that it’s okay to treat others that way… Of course, this behavior could be a result of abuse on the parents’ part, too, but let’s hope not. Hitting and biting are difficult issues, but NOT unusual. And the best thing the child’s parents and caregivers can do is deal with it without overreacting.
Great job, Janet. Excellent points and discussion. Among others the Emma/Janet discussion bears at least one comment. Emma’s awareness that while your “natural consequences” are training the child, the child is also training you as in “Hmmm, I notice that every time I ______ my parent _______, let’s see if I can get what I want by _________. It’s not a bad idea to view the dialogue through the experimenter/lab rat lens and remind yourself to reverse the roles.
Another technique to emphasize–especially important by age 2–is to use the line: “Show me that you are ready to…”
Kids are experimenting with autonomy. Let’s it’s time to get in the car seat and your toddler is dawdling and you are in a hurry. You say: “We have to go, now. Do you want do show me you can get in the car seat in a hurry on your own? or do you want me to do it for you?”
If that doesn’t change the dawdling behavior, you say: “I can see you want me to do it for you,” and then pick him/her up and do it for him/her. This might very well produce anger, crying, etc., but you give them a choice to exercise autonomy responsibly and show them what it means, and from then on you will get a better reaction.
“Show me that you are ready.”
Rick, thank you for this wonderful advice… “Show me when you’re ready” and “I can see you want me to do it for you.” These words and attitudes definitely respect the toddler’s need for autonomy.
Love the advice Rick!!!
Hi Janet,
I’ve read a few of the comments and your replies to them. They are great teaching tools, as well. I apologize if my question has already been addressed in one of the comments.
I have a 21-month old daughter and just finished reading Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. Last night I visited with my parents and talked with my dad about discipline. I have always thought of my dad as open minded and interested in what I’ve been doing. When I started talking about Kohn’s thesis of his book and his thoughts of punishments and rewards, my voice became shaky and I was becoming embarrassed. He turned it on me asking for examples from my childhood, and I lost it; I began to cry. I wasn’t crying because I had an abusive childhood, it was an awkward situation and felt too much like a therapy session. I was shocked by my reaction, actually.
Before I lost it, though, he gave a counterargument to unconditional love by saying “What if you tell your child that you love her, but that you don’t love what she has done.” This is a common response to misbehavior, but I wasn’t 100% confident of how to respond. I did reply though, saying that the behavior is part of her and that I want to approach discipline as teaching opportunities as much as possible.
What is the difference between unconditional love and telling your child “I love you, but not what you do”? Was my response in line of gentle discipline theories and practices?
Hi Rebecca! I can understand how uncomfortable and difficult this situation was for you…and probably for your dad, too. It’s so wonderful that he’s generally open, but discussing details of our upbringing with our parents can be tricky. It’s bound to make them feel defensive. Your reaction makes sense to me, because you were having a philosophical discussion and it suddenly turned into something very personal…which wasn’t your intention at all.
Young children are extremely literal and it is easy for them to misinterpret our words. So I agree with you that saying “I don’t love what you are doing” could easily be interpreted by the child as, “I don’t love YOU right now because you are doing that.” And that’s what we want to avoid…making the child feel that our love turns on a dime and can disappear. (I feel insecure just imagining this possibilty with my loved ones!)
Even using the word ‘like’, i.e., “I don’t like it when you hit the dog”, is not as safe as saying, “No, I won’t let you hit the dog.” It’s comforting and security-building for children to know that we would not let them do things we don’t like, or that might make them less lovable to us or to others. Then they can relax knowing that we will protect them and our hugely important relationship.
Also, for most of us, our ultimate goal is for the child to have self-discipline because it feels “right” to him, rather than because it is the way to keep his parents liking and loving him. So, keeping boundary setting less personal is the safest way to go.
Yes, I believe you have very healthy instincts!
Thank you so much for your reply! I was waiting for your answer, and I already feel better after reading what you wrote. I’m glad that you clarified why you would want to tell your child, “I won’t let you hit…” That is a good and direct way to speak to toddlers, I think. Thanks again! You’re so articulate and give such wise advice.
hi janet. i can’t tell you how many times i have come back to this post for encouragement and guidance. so, thank you.
but…i have a question for you. my son is just about 15 months old and has a tendency to yell…loudly. he’s not crying, just yelling this deep throated, growly yell.
he’s usually a pretty happy-go-lucky kid and while sometimes it is definitely associated with frustration (which is usually easily solved by helping him through the frustration), that doesn’t always seem to be the cause. often it seems random…and he thinks it is funny…boundary testing, i suppose.
i try distracting him with books, singing, toys, etc. sometimes that works, sometimes there is louder, more consistent yelling.
if he seems to be doing it because my attention has been otherwise occupied, i try giving him more attention…he likes to be held, so i often try that, and while sometimes that helps, sometimes it just ends up with him yelling in my ear.
i’ve tried: “nolan, please don’t yell,” “nolan, let’s try to be really quiet while we’re indoors,” “ouch, nolan, that hurts my ears when you yell,” “nolan, it isn’t ok to yell when we’re indoors. please save that for the playground,” “if you’re feeling frustrated and need to yell, you can yell into this pillow while we are inside,” “nolan, can you whisper?”. with all of these, i try to be as calm and unemotional as possible and speak quietly to try to get him to mimic me. pretty much, none of that works.
i understand not having crazy expectations as far as him sitting quietly through dinner or mass and we try to work with that…but we live in an apartment building with somewhat terrible inter-apartment sound-barriers and he is an early riser…yelling repeatedly at 6:00am is rather undesirable.
i’m at my wits end. when he starts and won’t stop, i feel like i’m going to loose my mind! that is such a horrible feeling.
this morning, i gave in to the time-out. it did seem to calm him down, but not before he cried for a minute first (literally a minute…) and i am just not a big fan of the time-out idea. however, if i stay in the room with him, the yelling continues. maybe he needs some space??
any advice, ideas and/or guidance as far as other ways to deal with this and ideally, put an end to it are welcome.
thanks!
kimberly
Kimberly, I’m thinking the yelling is an experiment and a phase. And since it has taken me a while to respond to your comment, I’m guessing he may already be done with the yelling. If not, the key is to not let it bother you at all and definitely not put energy into distracting or punishing him. It sounds like your responses and annoyance are fueling his desire. Instead, make yelling into something not very exciting and interesting to do by ignoring it. You might say something non-chalantly like, “Oh, you’re doing that yelling again.” Or, “are you trying to tell me something? I can’t understand when you yell.” Let it go and I believe it will go…
thank you so much for your response.
Hi, I really enjoyed reading this article. Thank you. I have read unconditional parenting. Powerful stuff, however it doesn’t offer very much practical advise. I am a single mom to a 12 month old. I wear him, breast feed him, practice attachment parenting, as much as I know how,and co sleep with him.
He is what I suppose, would describe as high need, Which is fine. No problem with that, it just means its kinda 24/7.
My issue is with his night time sleep. He naps usually between 10 and 12 and again at 4-6. ONly if on my back. He falls asleep no problem on my back during those times. However, when it comes to night time, he starts to show signs of sleepiness at 8.30, at which stage we are preparing for bed. It then can take a further 3 hours for him to finally go to sleep.
He gets terribly upset and bits and pinches when he is trying to sleep. I have tried to just ignore it, Ive tried to get back out of the bed and play some more on the floor; that makes him hysterical, I have tried introducing distractions, that sometimes works, like a hair clip, or something he has not seen before. But my question is really, how can I respond to these fits of rage when he lashes out in tears. It seems to me he really struggles to make that transition to sleep at night time. I felt really angry at first by the behaviour, but I have worked really hard on just acceptance and be there if he wants a cuddle or milk. But I feel like Im missing something…. Does it have to get like that every night? Oh and he wont go to sleep in the sling at night.
Please help me. I dont want to be too passive either.
Rachel
Hi Rachel! Eileen Henry is a sleep specialist and author of several guest posts here, like: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/03/a-toddlers-night-waking-a-mothers-anger-guilt-confusion-response-by-eileen-henry/
I\’ve submitted your sleep questions to her and she\’s promised me a response soon. Thanks for your patience…
Wow, Janet, you are one busy lady trying to help all these poor mums. I admire the very thoughtful individual advice you give.
It occurs to me that a lot of the mums here are suffering from exhaustion and ‘can’t see the wood for the trees’ syndrome. For what it’s worth, I think many of them would benefit a great deal from some ‘time out’ themselves (and be aware that I think time out is very valuable when it’s used as a quiet sanity enhancer rather than as punishment).
Prioritising time for yourself as a woman is hard, but it’s worth the effort; a mum with a toddler who screams, cries, bites, throws things and constantly tests the boundaries needs a massage and a cry as much as she needs good advice.
Too often we only attend to the needs of the child! Mums need quiet time and love too!
This is the first time I have read anything you have written and though my first reaction was to feel offended, defensive and angry, I allowed myself to cool down and come back to read it again. And to read through the comments which were very helpful to my understanding of this article.
So, as a spanking, time-out using mom, who is at her whit’s end with her 3 year old, I need help.
I was spanked as a child and I believe it did me good. But I don’t think I am doing it the ‘right’ way. I have noticed that I am growing aggitated more and more and I swore I would never hit my children out of anger. I feel I am heading in that direction and I want to quit spanking all together. (It is hard to get my husband on board with this idea).
When I was a child we had a love seat in our house that we took time outs on and because most of the time we were placed there for fighting with a sibling (there were 4 of us, all girls) we would have to sit on the love seat with whomever we were fighting with until we could resolve it. This is the type of thing I would like my parenting style overall to resemble. I guess you could call that a time out, but it worked for resolving sibling feuds.
So, here is where I would like help. My 3 year old and 11 month old do not nap at the same time, sometimes they do not nap at all. As a result, I can not shower during joint nap time, I have to have both girls in the bathroom with me, or in the bedroom (master bath is in master bedroom). But the other day, my 3 year old for the first time ever, pulled the door knob covers off the front door and went outside, while I was in the shower. She quickly ran back in to tell me, because she was proud of herself. I thought she had just left to use the toilet in her bathroom since our toilet is broken. She wasn’t gone even 5 minutes before running back in to tell me of her ‘good’ news. So I dashed naked through the house to re-deadbolt the door, and NOT spank her because I was quite angry, scared, worried, shooken up, emotional so I put her in time out while explaining to her why she shouldn’t go outside unless I am with her.
How should I have handled this? I feel I did it wrong. I feel I do most things regarding my children wrong. What would have been a more logical and natural way to respond to this?
And what resources can I find to help me with this transition from spanking time-out using mom to the right way to parent?
Jessa, thank you for this comment… I’m digesting your situation so that I can respond to you properly. Please give me a little more time…
I especially appreciate your honesty: “my first reaction was to feel offended, defensive and angry, I allowed myself to cool down and come back to read it again.” Most of all, I thank you for giving this information (and point-of-view) a second look.
Hi, our daughter is just turning 3 and she has all of a sudden in the past week not been wanting to stay in her own bed or go to sleep on her own. She is saying she doesnt want to sleep alone in her bed, even though she always has. We have and still do allow her to crawl into bed at say 530/6am when she wakes up and she usually falls asleep for another hour. We tell her when the sun comes up she can come snuggle. In the past week she has been NEEDING us to lay with her till she falls asleep and has also been waking up a few times in the night trying to come into our bed and/or sitting in her bed screaming for us.
Alfie Kohn, whom you site as a great source and I agree, he is – believes that the use of any type of consequences erodes trust. Here is what Alfie Kohn wrote about the use of “natural consequences:”
“This rather different to the discipline strategies known as ” ‘ natural consequences ‘ , which invites parents to discipline by inaction – that is refusing to help. If a child is late for dinner , we’re supposed to refuse to heat up dinner for the child let her go hungry . If she leaves her raincoat at school, we’re supposed to let her get wet the following day. This is said to teach her to be more punctual , or less forgetful , or whatever. But the more powerful lesson that she is likely to take away is that we could have helped – but didn’t. When you stand by and let bad things happen, your child experiences the twin disappointments that something went wrong and you did not seem to care enough about her to lift and finger to help prevent the mishap. The natural consequences approach is really a form of punishment – punishment lite- and can be more humiliating and make a child feel worse when accompanied by ‘ I told you so’ , ‘ It serves you right ‘ or I hope you have learned your lesson’ ” – Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Parenting
http://www.mjmiaoren.wordpress.com
I agree with Alfie Kohn most of the time and appreciate his work, but wish he didn’t always feel the need to go to the extreme to make his points…as if his readers couldn’t understand anything more subtle. Yes, “natural consequences” can be used as an excuse for abuse, neglect or a euphemism for punishments. That is not the meaning intended here or by Magda Gerber. I trust parents to understand the difference between a gentle reminder like “We won’t have time for a second book unless you can brush your teeth now ” and “If you don’t come inside now, you’ll go hungry”.
Janet, Is Mr. Kohn saying that we should never let children experience the consequences of their actions? If a child is late for dinner, yes, I would heat it up. But I would also clarify that if he/she is late for dinner the next night, food won’t be reheated. I would also give the reason for doing so. If a parent doesn’t set this boundary, how will a child learn to respect other people’s time and schedule.
Gauri – I agree with you. It would be helpful if Alfie Kohn gave half as many detailed positive examples as he does negative ones. A parent shared with me about her son’s difficulties in preschool. One problem was the way the teacher handled him hitting another child. “Is that a good choice?” she asked him, but did nothing else. When this mother asked the director about their discipline strategies, she said that they use Kohn’s book “Unconditional Parenting” as their model.
Janet, I’m trying to imagine how I would feel, if as a preschooler I was expected to perform a cost benefit analysis of a particular action and then conclude whether it is a good choice or not. If I was in that preschooler’s shoes, I would feel uncomfortable, confused and less confident since the teacher would be asking me a question she knew I wasn’t capable of answering. I would not feel respected or cared for. So, in this case, the action suggested by Mr. Kohn doesn’t seem to have the intended consequence.
Also, going back to M.J. Kanf’s post above, does he expect parents to ensure that the child gets to experience the desired outcome irrespective of the choice? In reality, we get the desired outcome only when we learn, through disappointment, to make better choices. Our loved ones can’t and won’t always be there to ensure a positive outcome. By always helping our children, we keep them away from difficulty, which can pay unexpected dividends. We need to remind ourselves how useful the right obstacles can be. Sometimes, the best route to fulfilment is the path of more resistance.
Janet, this is a really great article, I so admire your writing, you have a very clear and accesible style of writing that makes these concepts so easy to understand.
Can you explain this one a little bit more for me “Sometimes a child has a tantrum at home and needs to be taken to his room to flail and cry until he regains self-control. These are not punishments, but caring responses.”
Why do you think Magda Gerber recommended taking a child to their room when they have a tantrum? Would you recommend that and if so, what would the intention be? Would you recommend the parent stay with the child and be loving and empathetic, giving the child the reassurance that their parent is seeing how hard this is and really caring about their feelings? Or not, and if not why would a child be left alone during such an emotional crisis point? We may see this very differently and that’s all good, but I am curious.
Thank you and I want to really acknowledge the hours of loving supportive responses that you’ve given to parents already on this thread, time that you don’t get paid for, I absolutely take my hat off to you, I always have the highest respect for you.
Genevieve, thanks for such kind words and a being a generous supporter of parents yourself. I am a great admirer of your approach and the work you do. Yes! Magda Gerber recommended staying with the child with open ears and heart during tantrums. No, she would never advise leaving a child alone during an emotional crisis point. The intention of taking a child to his or her room is safety, privacy and respect. Magda Gerber believed that even babies deserved some preservation of dignity when they were “falling apart”. She also didn’t believe in announcing soiled diapers in front of a crowd, or talking to a child about unwanted behavior in front of others, if at all possible. Perhaps I used wrong words, and am sorry that what I said could be misinterpreted as leaving a child alone when he or she was upset. Never, never, never would I (or Magda) advise such a thing!
thank you Janet, that makes so much sense, I needed to fill in the rest of the picture of what happens after the child is brought to their room and the intentions behind it. I know that your approach is always one of respect, care and kindness, so this picture fits, which is very different sadly than the more common picture of the tantruming child being “put” in their room until they’re ready to come back and be calm. Thank you Janet for taking the time, you’re a star 🙂
Genevieve, thanks for asking and giving me the opportunity to clarify! 🙂 Hmmm…. You’ve made me want to sneak a few more words into the post.
I’ve just completed the Circle Of Security training which attests that children need their parents to be Bigger Stronger Wiser & Kinder and I think this article sums it up beautifully. Thanks Janet, your website is great. Children need someone to take charge and help them to regulate their emotions but in a really kind way. If you are mean to your child it stops them from learning the right lessons.
i need help with #7. My one year old cries constantly. Throws tantrums by throwing himself on the floor or will just get frustrated during play. He he crying many, many hours of the day. I am pregnant and my hormones are making me short fused. I usually will talk to him about what happened, but then I pretty much just ignore him because I don’t know what else to do. He will continue to cry after a tantrum for up to one hour. If we have company, or we are out of the home he does not do this. Just to me and daddy. He is teething and getting over illness and I think that is making things worse, but this is a usual thing for him. I am on the end of my rope. I often call family members to come over and play with him because that is the only thing that keeps him from crying several hours a day. I understand he needs to express his feelings, but, seriously, for hours? Every time he gets frustrated? What am I doing wrong? I can’t get anything done. After 30 minutes of watching him cry, I will walk away. Then, he follows me around the house screaming and throwing himself down.
i am a single mom of two children my son who is 4 and my daughter who is 3. It has just been the 3 of us since my son was 7 months old and my daughter was on her way, i have always felt an overwhelming sense of guilt of having a second child and their father leaving, not that it was my fault he left, but that being said. My son was 14 months old when my daughter was born, so i pushed him to walk, i pushed him into potty training, which he did very well at, but he has some anger issues…he is often put on the back burner per say. My daughter listens when told to put on her clothes, when asked to pick up her toys, there for there are less times that she has to be given redirection. My son on the other hand is very stubborn and it takes all of every ounce of me to be patient and helpful. I feel that he is screaming at me for attention and I do not know how to allocate the time equally???? Bedtime has always been a horrid event for both of my children and when one is acting out and the other is not, they share a room, how am i suppose to direct attention to one, without the other feeling left out and start a tantrum as well?? I struggle with this balance daily and i see the reaction that my son is having from this and it is not happy for either one of us. I sometimes feel that i have pushed him to act older than what he is and i dont know how to take that back….I need advice on how to get in better standings with my son before he feels like he is less important than my daughter. I feel like sometimes he thinks i make him handle too many responsiblities, as a single mother, i need his help and understaning sometimes, and i think that i have taken advantage of his independence and i dont know how to change that. He expresses himself in crying fits, in anger sometimes, not often, he often will out of the blue hit his sister or take something away from her. He goes to preschool in the mornings and the second he comes home, he has to find some reason to disturb her, like he is mad that she gets to spend time alone with me. I need guidance before we have a disconnect between the two of us. I am scared to death of that happening.
I disagree about the spanking. We spank in our house and my kids are still trusting, mindful, and very loving. My husband and I both were spanked as kids as well and we are law abiding citizens. And none of my kids are aggressive either. Personally, I think this article is a joke.
Rachael, I have to ask the question that always comes to mind when I hear a parent defend spanking. If you believed that your children could be law abiding citizens, well-behaved, polite, kind, respectful and successful without being spanked would you still do it? Why?
Rachael,
I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from…. I was spanked as a child! I am FINE now… I happen to have gone into Child Care and have my BA in Child Development. It is tough to change the parenting you grew up with because that is all you have to go off of… What I think is trying to be said in the article is maybe you can find a natural consequence that fits the negative behavior! It is VERY tough to do sometimes… but spanking doesn’t really get a child to think about their behavior and what they should probably do next time…. We are raising adults… if your “adult” child was to do something that wasn’t ok, a natural consequence would occur…. For example, not show up to work enough times…they would get a warning and then lose their job. I suggest you check out Love and Logic…. they have AWESOME example on natural consequences! Hey, maybe just mix it up a little…see how it goes with your kids! =) but I don’t think that Janet it trying to attack anyone who spanks…shes is just giving her perspective to help as many of us out as she can!
I love this article but struggle with what constitutes “withdrawing love”. My principle problem is that my toddler hits me…a lot. I’m all for the no love withrawl but it’s hard when the logical consequence is “mama doesn’t want to be around you or help you when she’s being abused all the time”. I find it a tricky to not react emotionally when it’s very personal assault over and over again despite explanations that it is not OK. We acknowledge feelings and try to give that a voice but his knee jerk reaction is always physical violence.
Margaret, it is in your power to stop your child from hitting you and he needs you to assert that power. Hold his hands. Stop him. Tell him as calmly and confidently as you can that you won’t let him hit you. Imagine how unsafe he feels knowing that he can hurt and upset his mother! He doesn’t want to be this guy he’s being. Don’t explain, just physically stop him and briefly let him know that you won’t allow this. You may find when you do that he has a lot of feelings to get out of his system. He may cry, try to fight harder or have a tantrum. Consider those very healthy things for him to do (while you keep protecting yourself!). He will feel so relieved to know that he doesn’t have that power to hurt you anymore. He needs a confident leader.
I sorta agree with your statement “Purposely inflicting pain on a child cannot be done with love.” I believe a parent can feel love and want to (and think they are) communicate love to their child through a spanking. I believe there are those who truly feel they are loving their child by doing so. I however do not believe that spankings can ever COMMUNICATE love to a child. Feeling love for someone and showing them love are very different actions.
I don’t believe any spanking is done without anger at its source simply because when parents are stressed, angry, depressed or scared they spank more. Fear is where spankings originate and emotional detachment and feigned calm can never remove that foundation of fear.
Lauren, I wholeheartedly agree with this: “I believe a parent can feel love and want to (and think they are) communicate love to their child through a spanking. I believe there are those who truly feel they are loving their child by doing so. I however do not believe that spankings can ever COMMUNICATE love to a child.”
Yes, parents can believe they are doing something loving when they spank, but the child definitely does not feel loved while he is being hurt. Perhaps later, as a adult, the child views this as love and believes themselves deserving of the abuse…. a “naughty” child.
Hi Janet,
I have a 20 month old & we are struggling with meals. She has been recently spitting out food and sometimes throws food on the floor. Sometimes it’s a lack of hunger but other times it’s a “I don’t want to eat this and I want something else.” I would like to deal with this a kinder more compassionate way. Appreciate your suggestions.
Thanks!
Lisa
I agree with most BUT the spanking. I am not saying to beat your child or hit them across the face but a smack on the hand or rear end isnt going to destroy them. I was smacked with a spoon, hand and belts and so was my husband. We are both just fine and have great relationships with our parents and respect our elders. If more kids today got a whack on their behind, we wouldn’t have young children being so disrespectful. Positive parentimg doesn’t always work as I have seen time and time again…and yes, I am a mother. and no, I don’t use belts or spoons on my kids.
And what about when your child won’t get dressed to go to the doctors? Sometimes natural consequences of behavior is just your kid winning. Kids need to learn to obey to be safe (come away from the road), succeed in life, gain experience in limiting their own behavior so that they can be functional adults…just a few reasons. I’m not saying you should spank. It doesn’t work for lots of kids. It doesn’t seem to make sense. But I think time outs are great. And as a kid grows up losing privileges that are not related to the behavior is effective too- rewarding good behavior with privileges like video games or tv shows, not allowing them when they don’t listen. I’m not an expert but those are a few ideas. I just think its crazy to advocate not punishing kids at all. Its dangerous and I don’t think its a way to create good people in general. I definitely don’t think one size fits all for punishment/discipline….but in saying that, I think time outs and /or spankings work for some kids…when done right (though, I don’t spank).
What I’m saying is- I hope parents who are having discipline problems with their toddlers trust their gut, talk to family members, read books and other blogs….discipline is important. Not all kids are always “just tired and hungry” when they act out.
Austin, does it help to give your child time-out when he won’t get dressed to go to the doctors? Does the parent “win” then?
Hi there! I really like this article, it is very well written and is to the point. My only problem is the whole “no spanking” thing. As a mother who does spank her child, I often feel the need to defend the stance. I do believe that spanking CAN sever a trusting relationship, but, done in the right circumstances and in a calm fashion, it can be a very useful tool to teach children things that don’t have “immediate” or “natural” circumstances. For example, a child is about to hit his sister. He is told “no, you are not allowed to hit your sister, that will hurt her”, within a few seconds, he tries again, this time scaring her a bit and he is reprimanded again, “please do not hurt your sister, sisters are for kisses and hugs, not hitting” this being done with a gentle squeeze to his hand and repeated “no hitting”. Finally, he hits her (this withing minutes of you telling him not to) so, you get up and calmly say, “I said no hitting” in a firm voice. “because you didn’t listen, you get a spank” so you give 1 open handed slap on the clothed bum, not even hard enough to kill a mosquito and he falls to the ground in tears. You allow him to cry for a few moments, then you tell him “I love you very much” and then you follow with a gentle hug. Then you tell him to apologise to his sister and he kisses her on the forehead and rubs her where he hit her. Some people may look at that scenario and say, but you just hit him after telling him no hitting. This is not the case, I reprimanded him and it is not HIS job to reprimand anyone else, so hitting his sister is wrong. Also, does it work? Totally! For him anyway! Not all kids are the same and I don’t believe they should be spanked once they learn to reason.
Rachel, I have a system that I came up with that can be used instead of spanking! It works WONDERS! It’s a Character Coin Chart…. you should check it out! Kids love it and it really helps mommy out when coming up with a consequence for unwanted behaviors like hitting a sibling!
http://lifesprinkledwithglitter.blogspot.com/2012/03/coin-chart-behavioral-finance-chart-for.html
Hi
I’m just wondering what ages you class as a toddler?
I have a wee 17month old girl and don’t “punish” her at all. But I am firm with her, no means no and if she does something “naughty” like throwing her food on the floor, I say no and show her what I’d like her to do instead. All the food goes back on her highchair tray and we put it back onto her plate together so I can take it away for her.
We don’t have a lot of issues with her (we have yet to hit the terrible 2’s) she’s allowed to cry if she needs to. And she is removed from any dangerous (or damaging to household items) situations and sat down on the floor facing away from it, along with a firm “No”.
I actually really enjoyed this article, and I normally find myself getting really defensive when I read things like this. Thanks for writing a lot of common sense 🙂
(sorry for waffling a bit, it’s late and I have a teething toddler)!
James Dobson advocates abuse! Respect is not “positive parenting silly stuff!” Respect begets respect!
Janet, I’m seeing a lot of defiant and undesirable behavior from my nearly one year old. I’m wondering if this age understands when I’m establishing rules, such as taking away food when he throws it or telling him that I don’t want him to act in that way anymore. From a lot of the things I’m reading he is already throwing tantrums and exhibiting “toddler” behavior and I just don’t know if his language is up to the responses you recommend. Are your discipline techniques still appropriate for his age?
Hi Megan! Interesting… Your description of your baby’s behavior as “defiant and undesirable” leads me to think that you might be making this more than it is… When babies throw food, it usually means that they aren’t hungry, but feel stuck in their highchair. At nearly one year of age, I see that as communication or experimentation rather than “defiance”.
Your boy can probably understand that you don’t want him to act a certain way, but that doesn’t mean he’ll oblige. He may not be capable of stopping his impulses… and that’s why he needs your gentle guidance and leadership, rather than reprimands and the enforcement of rules. The same respectful techniques apply. Remember to stay calm.
This is another GREAT post Janet, which generated some very interesting discussions. The thread that I would like to follow here is the one about “logical” and “natural” consequences. Jane Nelson (positive discipline) says “beware of logical consequences” because they often turn out to be poorly disguised punishment. She says if the consequence doesn’t fit the behavior perfectly, the child doesn’t make the connection and feels punished. Some recent experiences I’ve had with my 17 month old have led me to agree with this. Recently he was coloring on the table (which he often does) and I said “please color on the paper” and I moved the paper closer to him. This is usually enough, but this time he continued to color on the table. I said “you can either color on the paper, or I’m going to put the markers away.” He stopped what he was doing, I could see his brain working so hard and he seemed to make a very clear choice to color on the paper. This felt so much more effective (in terms of his own learning and autonomy) than the logical consequence approach I have been using with toy throwing: “If you throw your toy again, I’m going to put it away.” In the latter example, the choice is less clear to him, I think. I haven’t had an opportunity to try the “choice approach” with toy throwing, and I’m not sure how to word it either “You can either keep your toy in your hands or….” “I won’t let you throw your toys. You can either find another way to play with your toy or….”??
There was something I wanted to say about natural consequences too, but since it’s taken me several days to read this whole post, I’ve forgotten it now!
Once again, thank you SO MUCH for all you are doing, Janet. It is so clear how much you care about children – you are doing very important work.
Tanya, thanks so much for your encouragement! Yes, I like the distinction you are making between “If you do that, I’ll have to…” and “You can do this or this”. I would make it a positive choice whenever possible. Sometimes it’s not possible. I also appreciated this post from Dr. Laura Markham: http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/How_Do_You_Teach_Kids_What's_RIght_WIthout_Punishment_Consequences/ I really like the way she clarifies the difference between consequences that are merely “disguised punishments” and natural consequences.
Hmm… no shame? Ultimately, I feel that this is be dangerous.
I do agree that we should NEVER make a child feel unloved or unworthy of love BUT never feel shame? There are some actions of which we should feel ashamed.(Hurting someone you love in a fit of anger, for instance.) A person who never learns to feel shame is a sociopath.
I believe there needs to be a balance. You can teach a child that his actions are wrong, but he is still loved.
amybeth, do you think shame is something parents have to teach a child to feel? I don’t. Toddlers are sensitive, capable human beings, but they have many momentary impulses that are bigger than they are. Children learn to empathize (and thus, feel shame) when they are treated with empathy by their parents, not told what they should feel or forced to feel it. Shaming children only teaches them that they are shameful…they don’t understand how the light switch of their parents’ approval can turn on and off.
So what DO you do when they throw a ball at your face, or hit out of anger/ frustration?
Safra, you try to stay as calm as possible and if you are too late to stop the ball or the hit, simply, but firmly say, “I don’t want you to hit (or throw the ball at me). If you are angry, hit the pillows, throw the ball down”, etc.
If you are in the middle of an outburst, stop the ball (by taking it) and the hitting (by holding your child’s hands or wrists) and again, stay calm, but say, “I won’t let you hit me. I see you are angry. Here is something you can hit (pillows,etc.)”. Stop the action and protect yourself with confidence. This will diffuse rather than ignite the behavior. Then, move on, forgive and reconnect rather than holding on to the situation by getting angry or self-pitying (You are hurting mommy!) or giving a lecture.