http://janetlansbury.com/community/ Just another bbPress community en Thu, 17 May 2012 19:24:46 +0000 http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=157#post-642 Thu, 17 May 2012 03:44:43 +0000 regardingbaby 642@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Hi Christina and Anjte,</p> <p>Christina, you make a very interesting observation: "But I have noticed that when I slow down enough to talk in more detail about everything, he pays more attention and is more interested in sticking with the diaper change process until the end (instead of jumping back up), so maybe it is the language."</p> <p>I believe it is the language that makes a difference, for a couple of reasons: 1) When we use language to guide a baby or toddler through a diaper changing process (or any caregiving routine) we are forced to slow down even more than usual (because it takes time for the child to process and respond to our words and meaning). 2) Verbalizing the details also helps us to be more present and focused, and I believe besides providing a good model/message to the child, s/he feels and responds to our engagement.</p> <p>I have noticed that when I use less language with the three year old I have cared for since his birth, it sometimes goes OK, because we have an established relationship, and of course he knows what to expect after thousands of repeated diaper changes with me, BUT I find MYSELF moving more quickly, and in a more rote and perfunctory way when I verbalize less.</p> <p>The other advantages of always (or almost always) using verbal language (together with non-verbal cues) is that it helps children to learn language (through repetition), and the verbal cues become a part of the routine which is comforting to children, and helps them to be able to anticipate what will come next and how they might co-operate. ("When Lisa says this, she then does this, and it means I do this."). Being able to anticipate gives children a sense of security and builds trust. Magda Gerber was one of the first to encourage adults to talk to and with the baby from the very first days, especially during caregiving times, and about anything that we are doing together with, or that involves the baby in some way.</p> <p>In terms of touch and showing respect for a child's body, I try to always ask or let a child know verbally before I touch or move them. (Even if I'm holding a half asleep baby, I'll whisper, "I'm going to put you down now," before doing so.) </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=157#post-641 Wed, 16 May 2012 18:32:37 +0000 Christina Kessler 641@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Hi Antje! I think the spirit of RIE is really about reciprocity of communication more than the specific way you are communicating. If you are confident that your baby understands what is going to happen and you are waiting for her consenting signals, it seems to me you are still using a RIE perspective. Especially when she is calm and ready to sleep, it may be disrespectful to interrupt her with unnecessary talking.</p> <p>However, I have a doubt. I did this with the baby I take care of as a nanny, especially during diaper changes. I still talked about what we were doing, but in less detail. I could tell that he knew what we were doing because he would move his legs and participate. At the time it seemed come naturally that way, and it seemed to work fine. Now, however, he is likely to get impatient and unwilling at the parts of diapering that I had not been describing as well verbally. I'm not sure if this is because I wasn't giving enough description to keep him engaged when he was younger, or if it's just normal toddler wigglyness. But I have noticed that when I slow down enough to talk in more detail about everything, he pays more attention and is more interested in sticking with the diaper change process until the end (instead of jumping back up), so maybe it is the language. </p> <p>I don't think there is a "right" RIE answer, really. I think the most important thing is to pay attention to your baby's signals. If it seems like her attention is wandering, probably it's good to describe things more. This can also make the process more fun. If she still seems focused and engaged, and you are careful to wait for her signals, then the verbal cues might not be as important. </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=166#post-640 Mon, 14 May 2012 23:40:09 +0000 regardingbaby 640@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Hi Antje and mobiuscat!</p> <p>Here's another post Janet wrote specifically about grandparents: <a href="http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/05/accepting-grandparents-good-intentions-with-humble-apologies-to-my-father-in-law/." rel="nofollow">http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/05/accepting-grandparents-good-intentions-with-humble-apologies-to-my-father-in-law/.</a></p> <p>In terms of the toys, is it possible to thank them and then just put them or give them away? </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=39#post-639 Sun, 13 May 2012 23:34:59 +0000 Sarahjebbhk 639@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>I would love to know how you went. A year later! </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=169#post-637 Sun, 13 May 2012 09:25:39 +0000 Sarahjebbhk 637@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>My 30 Month old always eats more when he is involved in the prep! Washing tomato, squeezing lemons on things, let him rip up herbs, allow him to serve things onto his plate using tongs or a spoon, let him break bread feom a french stick or butter the bread etc. My dd aged 12 mths fed geraelf rice today! I was amazed. When i first took her out of the high chair about three weeks ago, she now climbs up to sit down at the small table. We had been feeding her rice or letting her use fingers. So the rice thing was a huge leap. Just continue to let go and truat your child. This is not easy for us sometimes. I like lisas alternative food hoices if the main<br /> Dinner is not to their liking. </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=171#post-636 Sun, 13 May 2012 09:11:30 +0000 Sarahjebbhk 636@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Hi there! I am a newbie and will post here for the first time. I look forward to taking part in this forum! My dd is 12 months too. She too has changed at bed time. Now she also hates being held. She if she doesnt fall asleep on the breast, i used to hold her and gently move around the dark room. But now she arches her back and cries. So for the last two nights, i have found she likes to be on the bed, lieing on the matress with me<br /> Sitting there beside her rubbing her gently and basically just being close. I am thinking my bb just is not comfortable in my arms anymore. Can u move the curtain? Do u ask her to lie down? Can u sing? I agree that the move must be on her mind. </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=171#post-635 Sun, 13 May 2012 04:00:44 +0000 Nicole S 635@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Hi Antje, just wanted to toss a few thoughts out there in the hopes that you'll find them helpful, and if not, at least supportive!</p> <p>First of all, ugg to the nursing strike. I have never experienced that with my son, but I have heard that they can be really difficult. I think you are right on with contacting La Leche League for some guidance. If you haven't done so already, check out their website. They have an excellent forum there with some really wonderful people who frequent it. You do have to register in order to participate and view all of the topic areas.</p> <p>Since my guy is a bit older than your daughter and I have had my share of nighttime issues by now, I can tell you that the teething can certainly be a major disruption. That, coupled with your move, and it's not surprising your girl is having some trouble right now. What I am finding more and more is that our babies are so sensitive and perceptive to even the smallest (to us) changes at times. I am wondering if she may be finding you to be more distracted than usual, and her biting while nursing and bedtime behavior is her way of asking for more attention. I'm am thinking that from a RIE perspective, it may be especially useful now to really try to focus in on her as much as possible during your caregiving times. If you can tune out the distractions and be really present with her during those times, perhaps she will feel more relaxed as the day ends. I also think that your talking to her and explaining to her what is happening with regard to the move (ie. "I know things are different this week. Daddy is working on our new house. I have been busy packing our things. When things change it can be hard. It's hard for me too.") may also help her to feel less tension.</p> <p>With regard to your options, I don't know if it is as easy as just picking one, as her needs and yours may change dependent on how your day goes. But I do understand the need to have a general plan of action. My son is struggling with some issues at bedtime too currently, and I am at a bit of a loss, so I may not have the best advice right now. I try to be pretty flexible, but there are some things I hold a firmer line on and for me, our bedtime routine is one of them. I think you need to decide how much you are willing to bend in that area. I will bend on things like reading more stories at night, reading a book a second (or third, or fourth!) time, but generally once it's lights out, it is time to go into bed and storytime/playtime is over. It's up to you if you are willing to let her play for a few extra minutes before bed. In some ways, this may be no different than going for your walk. I know sometimes it can be really useful to take a break if things are getting too heated and then try again after a short time. I have and am currently staying with my son while he falls asleep right now. I know you said that hasn't worked for you, but if she is clearly distressed when you put her to bed, perhaps you can spend some time with her close by to support her and after a short time leave and give her space to work it through on her own? If she is clearly fighting you when you attempt to hold her, it don't see how it would be helpful to either of you to persist. Although some children do fight being held but at the same time really want and need that physical contact. Maybe try asking her if she wants to be held first, and if she struggles reflect on her seeming to need to move her body and tell her that you are going to put her down in her bed so she can have some space.</p> <p>At 12 months, you are also entering a time of major growth with regard to movement, language, and asserting more independence. It is truly amazing. Your wanting to "roll with the punches" is important. I am finding that although some things have remained constants, much has changed requiring me to have to figure new ways of doing things.</p> <p>Please keep me posted! </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=169#post-634 Sun, 13 May 2012 02:31:27 +0000 Nicole S 634@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Thank you Lisa so much for your response to my questions. I appreciate the clarifications. I am also a huge fan of your site as well as this one! My boy's hearty appetite seems to have returned (at least for now). I think a recent illness may have been at least part of the culprit for the change of eating habits. I have noticed since he finished a course of antibiotics his interest in his meals has increased substantially. He has also really taken off with using his spoon and fork to feed himself and looks forward to it at every meal. I am getting more comfortable with the messiness and try to let him feed himself almost entirely on his own when possible. I think this has also had a huge impact on his desire and willingness to eat. He is so excited to do it himself that he isn't so focused on what the food is and is again open to trying what is offered. I have also been offering some of his veggies as a first course, as you suggested, and he has been scarfing them down. I think less options directly in front of him is better for now. </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=167#post-633 Sun, 13 May 2012 02:04:04 +0000 Nicole S 633@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>So we are still pretty much in the same place at night. I am feeling stuck in the mud and really have no idea what to do. Since I wrote my first post I have been staying with my son in his room while he falls asleep. I have been able to move back to the chair in his room after spending some time close to him on the floor on several nights, but he clearly prefers my being near him. I have generally been ok with staying with him these past few weeks, but it has been wearing at times.</p> <p>Tonight after I put him in his crib, he was still awake rolling around after an hour of my being in there. After an hour I felt it was enough already. I left the room and he got all worked up. I let him cry and fuss for a few minutes, but I can't tell how long I'm supposed to let it go on, as he seems very distraught, jumping, crying, gagging, and pleading "mommy, mommy" over and over. I went back in and was less than empathic to his crying, sternly told him "that's enough, lay down, it's time to rest." He did lay down and I told him I will be right outside his door, but as soon as I started to walk out he got up and became all worked up again. I told him when he lays down I will come in to check on him. I watched him cry and struggle again on the monitor, and he did eventually lay down crying, calling for me. I know if I just stayed out of the room he would of fallen asleep that way, and I don't know if that is what I should have done, but I felt that I had to follow through on what I told him about my coming back when he lays down. And I also felt horrible about getting angry and frustrated and being unable to support him. The thought of him falling asleep alone and in tears asking for his mommy was too much to bear. As I write this I am sitting here crying. It breaks my heart that I lost patience with him.</p> <p>Any help or feedback is greatly appreciated. I so want to support my boy through this in the best way possible. I was so proud of how far we had both come with regards to his sleep. This regression has me feeling totally lost. </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=171#post-632 Fri, 11 May 2012 15:32:06 +0000 Antje 632@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Update: We are now on a full-blown nursing strike. It's been 48 hours since she last nursed. I'm grateful that she eats plenty of solids, so I'm not concerned for her nourishment. However, it just doesn't seem right that external stress factors should cause her to wean so early and so very abruptly. Now that I have accepted her nursing strike (for the time being) bedtimes are going much better, and I haven't had to take her out for a post-bedtime walk again. I will be contacting the La Leche League to ask about toddler nursing strikes and weaning.</p> <p>I think my question about how best to listen to my daughter's feelings is still important, though, as I'm certain we'll be facing many such situations in the future. What is best when it seems like the only three options are to:<br /> 1) struggle to hold onto a thrashing crying child<br /> 2) leave her to cry alone in her crib (given that this is something she is often okay with, but not all the time)<br /> 3) let her crawl off and play, seemingly happily, and thereby breaking bedtime/nighttime routine rules.</p> <p>I should probably mention that when my daughter has had a fall or been hurt, and I am (with her permission) cuddling her, she will usually decide that she is finished being held before she is finished crying. She will go off and start playing while still crying full-steam, and then stop crying after a minute or so of playing. This quirk of hers may help to give some context to my dilemma. </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=171#post-631 Thu, 10 May 2012 05:06:05 +0000 Antje 631@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>As some of you know, I'm moving at the end of this week! Of course, this just has to be the week that my daughter has started a painful round of teething. The teething has led to her biting me during nursing, and then she gets very upset when I take her off my breast, but I simply can't allow her to bite me that hard! But back to the moving: It has been a stressful week because my husband has been away a lot to paint the new apartment, and I'm trying to get the packing done. I'm trying to keep her routines as predictable as possible, but bedtime is simply different without her Daddy so that can't be helped.</p> <p>Bedtimes have been very very bad this week for all of the above reasons. I am seeking advice for how best to support her when she pitches an intense crying fit right at bedtime. In a normal situation, she would have the option of being held or being put in her crib, and she is the sort of child who sometimes needs to be left alone to cry for a few minutes before falling asleep. </p> <p>This week, when I'm holding her (sitting on our big bed as usual), she thrashes and tries to crawl away from me. If I put her in her crib at this point, her crying reaches a pretty extreme intensity that I am not comfortable with for more than a few minutes (and it lasts much longer). If I let her crawl around the bed for a bit while I stay to listen, about 30% of the time she will manage to get all her feelings out and then return to my breast to nurse. The other 70% of the time, she crawls straight over to the window and starts playing with the curtain with a big smile on her face. Since this is bedtime, I don't want to let her have play time, as she'd really be getting away with breaking a bedtime rule. So I'm back with the option of holding her while she thrashes to escape, or the option of putting her in the crib to cry alone. </p> <p>(Staying near the crib to listen has never worked for us before. She gets confused about why we're in the room but not picking her up. Under normal circumstances she is comfortable fussing/crying by herself to calm down, but this week her crying is different and it just doesn't feel right to leave her alone in such distress.)</p> <p>So, in a nutshell: I would like to be available to listen to her feelings during this stressful week, but it seems my options are to tightly hold her while she screams and tries to break free or to let her run off and play when it's time to be sleeping. The third option is to let her cry alone in distress. Can anyone offer advice? Hopefully soon?</p> <p>Finally, another question: Twice this week already I've taken a break from attempting bedtime and taken her out for a walk before trying again. This really is my last resort, and I've never had to use it twice in one week before. I don't want this to become common, especially since it would add another layer of unpredictability to her bedtime. I want to keep things routine for her sake, and yet I want to be able to "roll with the punches" too, and the walks really seem to dissipate some stress for her. Advice? </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=168#post-629 Thu, 10 May 2012 02:14:15 +0000 regardingbaby 629@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Hi Elanne,</p> <p>So funny, I always struggle with the same problem- no matter what I'm buying. I read all the reviews, and then end up not buying anything half the time, because it's just too hard for me to choose the best one!</p> <p>Several families have said that the Dream Baby Swing Close Security Gate is great- sturdy, works well, and fits wider doorways. Here's a link on amazon- just for reference: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Dreambaby-Swing-Close-Gate-Extensions/dp/B000Y8SO9M/ref=pd_sbs_ba_3" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Dreambaby-Swing-Close-Gate-Extensions/dp/B000Y8SO9M/ref=pd_sbs_ba_3</a></p> <p>I always recommend that parents measure the doorway they plan to use the gate in, because this rules out some gates immediately. Metal gates tend to be sturdier, and less prone to having pieces break off. I absolutely abhor places like Babies R Us, and tend to try to avoid them like the plague, but for some purchases like gates, or car seats or strollers, I actually recommend parents go to a store like that, as opposed to shopping by mail, because you can see and test the actual product before buying which I think helps with the buying decision. Oh, and in terms of safety, Consumer Reports offers some good guidelines of what to consider here: <a href="http://news.consumerreports.org/baby/2010/01/baby-gate-for-top-of-stairs-recommendations-ratings-reviews-room-divider.html" rel="nofollow">http://news.consumerreports.org/baby/2010/01/baby-gate-for-top-of-stairs-recommendations-ratings-reviews-room-divider.html</a></p> <p>Happy Shopping! </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=166#post-627 Wed, 09 May 2012 21:17:55 +0000 mobiuscat 627@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>I'd be interested in how other people deal with this. We don't have any extreme problems here, but our son's grandparents do like to play with him in ways that I wouldn't (and then there's the issue of them buying all-singing-and-dancing toys for him!) </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=169#post-625 Wed, 09 May 2012 02:55:31 +0000 regardingbaby 625@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Hi Nicole,</p> <p>I'd say you are on the right track!</p> <p>To answer some of your questions from a RIE perspective: Magda Gerber often said something along the lines of, "Your job as a parent is to provide healthy, nutritious food at regular intervals, and your child's job is to decide what and how much of it to eat." So I would advise talking with your son at mealtimes, and showing and telling him what is available, but to try to avoid saying, "You have to eat a few bites of carrots, and then you can have more sandwich." Just let him choose, and keep offering a variety of nutritious foods at every meal and snack and try to trust that it will balance out in time.(If you're really worried that he's not getting enough vegetables, try offering them first, before you offer other food, or offer as a late afternoon snack before dinner, when he's hungriest.) </p> <p>In terms of what to feed him- you decide, and he gets to choose if he's going to eat it or not. Try to trust that he won't starve himself. I know this is easier said than done, and you indicated you worry because your son is small, so maybe a good compromise (and I don't know that this is RIE :), but it has saved many a parent from too much worry) is to have a simple "fall back" plan if you suspect he's hungry but not eating because he doesn't like what's being offered at dinner. (For breakfast and lunch, if he doesn't eat, just offer food at the usual time). One family I knew would offer a nut butter on whole wheat bread, yogurt, and fruit if their children didn't like what was for dinner. Another offered tofu cubes, carrot sticks, and pita bread. Whatever it is, make it simple, nutritious, and always the same, and if possible make it something that doesn't require you to become a short order cook! </p> <p>In terms of the "how to", what you are doing sounds perfect from a RIE standpoint. You're letting your son try to feed himself (following his interest), giving him feedback about what you see, and about what is appropriate and expected ("Forks and spoons are for eating with, not for playing with, and it's not time to play, it's time to eat. If you're done, let's clean up.") and ending the meal when he indicates that he's done eating. </p> <p>Wishing you happy meals together! Lisa </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=169#post-624 Tue, 08 May 2012 17:31:29 +0000 Nicole S 624@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Thanks Antje for your thoughts. I am definitely working on taking more of a backseat during meals. And I think you're right, I may be projecting my own expectations into the situation a bit. I'm not sure where exactly some of my own discomfort during meals comes from, I'm sure it is something from my childhood somewhere, but I do have an awareness of it so I am working with it. I think whenever our children do something "well" it is so easy to relish it and feel a sense of pride, and when they struggle it becomes our struggle. It's not easy to be neutral, refrain from labeling, and prevent our own "stuff" from coloring the situation! </p> <p>My son has entered a totally new phase where the things that have always been constants are changing. I think those constants have resulted in some expectation on my part. He has always eaten well and eaten pretty much everything I have offered him and I guess I have gotten used to that. So now it is a time for me to adjust and embrace some new ways of doing things. We are in that transitional time of finding a new way. I can really appreciate how transitions are tough for our children, as a grown-up, they are tough on me too!</p> <p>Where we are now is that I have pretty much been honoring his requests and desires during meals, for example, if I offer something and he says "no" I don't push, and if he requests "more" of something he gets it. He is very clear about what he wants, and I love that he feels confident to let me know! Not sure where your daughter is with her language, but it is really incredible when they use their words to communicate. He is starting to be able to tell me verbally when he wants food verses a drink. The other day he went over to his chair and said "eat!" It was a bit earlier than dinnertime but he hadn't had much for lunch so I just went with it. I really felt it was important to acknowledge his hunger and feed him when he was letting me know about it. He also constantly asks for a spoon and bowl during meals, so I am trying to give him foods that he can eat in this way. I like your suggestion of 2-3 "non-negotiables," I just have to figure out what they are! I think what I find difficult is trying to find that balance of setting fair boundaries and giving him space to find his own way. I am going to keep the thought of "slowing down" on my mind too, especially when I am feeling any stress or impatience bubble up.</p> <p>Thank you also for the link, interesting site! </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=169#post-623 Mon, 07 May 2012 17:56:27 +0000 Antje 623@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>First, the caveats: I am also a first-time mom, and my child is only 12 months, she's a hearty eater and she's a good size, and I am very new to RIE. In other words, my situation is already quite different from yours and I'm by no means an expert, so feel free to ignore my advice if it doesn't seem to apply to your situation.</p> <p>Your mealtime situation sounds very "charged" to me, charged with some amount of expectations and/or anxiety. Is there some way that you could let go of some of that energy?</p> <p>For example, what's wrong with letting your child play with his food? Children learn through playing, and I don't see how food is any different. Putting food onto a spoon and just looking at it sounds like excellent progress to me! Perhaps this is another area in which the RIE principle of "slow down" could apply. Why interrupt his play-learning if his attention is still engaged? Most children will clearly indicate when they are finished by getting rid of their food (throwing, pushing away, giving it back) or by attempting to leave the table.</p> <p>Could you maybe take a step back and decide on what 2-3 aspects of meal time are non-negotiable to you (i.e., don't deliberately throw food, stay seated) and then let your son take the lead with everything else? I would just set a plate of whatever you're eating down in front of him (a healthy meal with multiple food groups), let him do whatever he wants with it (within the aforementioned limits), and let him leave when he's done. There will be some mess, but surely that's to be expected during play-learning. I would only interact with him if he he needs your mealtime boundaries reinforced, or if he seeks out your input/assistance. In other words, be as hands-off as possible to allow him the time, space, freedom and trust to learn about food on his own agenda.</p> <p>Check out Ellyn Satter's divison of responsibility for mealtimes:<br /> <a href="http://www.ellynsatter.com/ellyn-satters-division-of-responsibility-in-feeding-i-80.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.ellynsatter.com/ellyn-satters-division-of-responsibility-in-feeding-i-80.html</a></p> <p>All the best with your mealtimes! </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=166#post-622 Mon, 07 May 2012 07:46:02 +0000 Antje 622@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Thanks, we're hoping so too!</p> <p>I'm curious what other parents and caregivers would see as the most important areas in which to insist your child is treated according to RIE principles, and which ones are more acceptable to compromise when it comes to others' styles of caregiving. In other words, if I had to choose only one or two RIE "rules" that I insist everyone follows when interacting with my child, what would they be?</p> <p>Currently the most infuriating things I'm dealing with are when my husband listens to his ipod during caregiving activities (meals, diapers, etc.), and when my father-in-law is constantly demanding my daughter's attention with "Jane! Jane! Yoohoo! Jane! Look here! Jane! Yoohoo!" either because he wants to show her something or when he wants her to look into the camera for a photo (of which he takes dozens every time he sees her). I have made it very clear to my husband what I think of his ipod usage, but I'm having more difficulty with my father-in-law because he is extremely stubborn and we have had a few hurtful clashes already so I want to choose my battles carefully. </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=166#post-620 Fri, 04 May 2012 16:59:17 +0000 Nicole S 620@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Great idea to be proactive about it. I always try to encourage receptive family to allow my son to have his feelings when they are around him, rather than try to distract him from them or react negatively. I think I may try to be more proactive with my husband by leaving some of my favorite posts from this blog around for him to read! He always leaves me things he thinks will interest me from the paper, so I don't think he would find my doing that as a criticism. Best of luck on your move, Antje, I hope that the transition is a gentle one for all of you. </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=166#post-619 Fri, 04 May 2012 06:05:32 +0000 Antje 619@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>We are moving to a new apartment next week, and my daughter will be spending moving day with her grandparents. I think I will take this special occasion as an opportunity to explain to them about letting her express her feelings and not just distracting her with toys &amp; games. My daughter is a very strong and resilient girl, so I'm not too afraid of how she'll respond to moving, but I want to be proactive about it. </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=169#post-617 Thu, 03 May 2012 20:54:34 +0000 Nicole S 617@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>I am looking for some feedback about feeding my son, who is nearly 20 months. He has always had a good appetite and has been willing to try things. Lately, he is not as adventurous and is even refusing many foods that he used to eat. I am really trying not get worked up about this and just let him eat what he wants, but sometimes it is difficult, especially since he is petite as compared to his peers. I have a few questions regarding the logistics of meals at this age following the RIE approach. </p> <p>First, I am wondering what you think about encouraging a child to eat something when they are showing a clear preference for eating something else. For example, I may prepare a sandwich and some mashed carrots for a dinner. My son is clearly wanting the sandwich, but refusing the carrots, even though he does like them. Sometimes I will say something like, "you can have more sandwich after you have some carrots." I can tell this is not what he wants, but he generally will comply and have his carrots (or whatever the non-preferred food is) because he wants more of the food he is enjoying. Is this being coercive and manipulative on my part? If it is, I do not want to do that! But I do want him to have balanced meals and get a variety of sources of nutrition. Like many toddlers, he is entering a stage where he is refusing to eat his veggies. Lately, he has been very adamant about what he will and will not eat, saying "no" and being very clear in his nonverbal communication (and good for him!). I am not pushing the issue and just letting it go, trying to not make it a big deal.</p> <p>My next question involves what to feed him at this point. Do I just give him what I decide will be for dinner that night, and if he eats he eats, and if not he doesn't eat? Or if he doesn't like what I have given, do I prepare him something else? I have heard both sides of the arguments for and against doing so from various camps, and am wondering from a RIE perspective which way to go. Again, he's a little guy, so I do sometimes worry about his not eating enough.</p> <p>My last question involves the "how to" of feeding him at his age/stage. He is showing growing interest in feeding himself from bowls and plates using utensils. I am trying to support him and let him do this. It has been a bit hard for me because I have issues with food messes and spills, but I am really trying to relax and get over it (I am looking forward to eating outdoors more!). I am trying to let him feed himself as much as possible and not interject my help, even if I see that the food might drop. I know he has to learn by doing. However, he does also have to eat, so I do assist him sometimes. I have noticed that at times, he seems more interested in using the spoon or fork to poke at his food, but then makes no attempt to eat it. It seems a bit like he's playing, but I also do believe that he is trying to practice his skills as he is very focused on the bowl and utensils. Should I be ending the meal at this point, or allow him to continue to explore in this way? What I have been doing is letting it go on for a little while, and then end it when I start to feel uncomfortable with it. For example, today he was putting food on his spoon and holding it out in front of him, just looking at it. He had already been eating for a while so I encouraged him by saying "the food now goes in your mouth." When he continued to just move his spoon around, I asked if he was still eating and when he didn't attempt to eat I said something like "your holding the spoon but not eating, so it looks like your finished. I am going to clean up now." I took away his dish and utensils at that point. I want him to enjoy mealtime and learn how to feed himself independently. But I also want him to learn to eat properly and not play with his food. Just wondering if I am on the right track. </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=166#post-616 Wed, 02 May 2012 21:56:12 +0000 Nicole S 616@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Hi Antje, so nice to hear from you! It's reassuring to know that someone else understands what I am feeling. I was reading through Janet's blog (again!) and came across this post. As always her insights are wonderful and the comments address much of what we are experiencing. </p> <p><a href="http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/03/my-child-is-not-okay/" rel="nofollow">http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/03/my-child-is-not-okay/</a> </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=168#post-615 Wed, 02 May 2012 17:29:36 +0000 Elanne Kresser 615@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>I'm sure in the pre-internet days this would have been easier for me, but as it stands I'm overwhelmed by choices for a safety gate (and sunscreen, diapers, strollers, but I digress.) I've been looking at pressure mounted gates for one to have in the doorwary of my daughters play room so that I can transition from letting her play independently in her playpen to playing in her room now that she is crawling. I read the reviews on Amazon and there are a number that get a bunch of positive reviews but then the negative reviews are consistent enough for me to be concerned. Things like children getting their legs stuck between the bars and in some cases the bars having to be hacksawed apart in order to get them out!!! Or plastic parts break off the gate and are a choking hazard. Ideally I want one that swings open and that we don't have to hop over every time we go in and out of the room. So, RIE mama's and associates - any suggestions? Have you found one that you feel is safe? </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=167#post-614 Wed, 02 May 2012 11:33:37 +0000 Nicole S 614@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Hello! I am new to the forum. My son is 19 months and has been experiencing a recent change of behavior, mostly with sleep but also involving increased clingyness towards mommy, particularly when waking. Just as background, I have practiced many of the concepts of attachment parenting and they have worked well for us. I have more recently discovered RIE and realized I had also been practicing many RIE concepts unknowingly, and am thrilled to have found this blog and the work of Magda Gerber! I have always attempted to encourage his own discovery and independent play and love just watching him. Professionally I am a psychologist who works in education, so a love of observing children and an incredible admiration for infant development and learning is in my blood. It has always been my approach to try to be sensitive and responsive to my son's needs and do not believe that as a parent at night I should be "off duty." Controlled crying methods were not an approach I chose to use to get him to sleep through the night. We have nursed on demand. We have co-slept (and occasionally still do). Along the way I have tried my best to follow his cues and let him lead the way. While not always an easy road, I am happy to say that he learned to sleep through the night in his own time. Through RIE I was able to embrace the concept of struggle, which helped me to feel more comfortable with his fussing while encouraging him to fall asleep with less and less of my assistance. We have worked together to the point of my being able to put him in his crib awake, wishing him a peaceful rest, blowing kisses goodnight, and my walking out the door. Occasionally he would protest, but within a minute he would lay down and then fall asleep.</p> <p>Fast forward to these last few weeks. We were visiting with family for the Easter holiday. He has his own crib in our room there. Since he was doing so well at home, our first night I attempted our routine as usual. When we blew kisses and I left, he was very upset. I did not feel comfortable having him struggle for long, as his crying had a different quality to it and I felt it was expecting a lot from him to be left alone to fall asleep in a different environment. I went in and sat with him next to the crib, holding his hand and patting his shoulder when he reached for me, and he fell asleep. I stayed with him this way the rest of our visit (four nights) as I didn't feel it was necessary to push the issue and I figured we would get back on track when we returned home. Once we got home, I attempted to go back to our usual routine and he became very upset. I tried staying with him for a short time, then leaving, which was a step we did prior to our getting to the point of my just placing him in his crib and leaving immediately. No dice. As long as he is still awake, every time I attempt to leave the room, he becomes very upset, crying nonstop, jumping up and down, and saying "mommy" over and over (which is heartbreaking). I tried a smaller separation, sitting in the chair in the room until he fell asleep instead of next to the crib. This worked for a few nights, after some protesting, but it was taking him increasingly longer to fall asleep, so I reverted back to sitting or lying next to him on the floor. In addition, he wakes up at night crying for me. If his dad goes in he gets more upset. When I go in he quiets almost immediately. He has always wanted me over dad at night, but he also now wants me in the mornings, and cries saying "mommy" over and over. My son and I attend a toddler class together weekly and I shared what was going on with the teacher. She told me that I just have to let him cry and not stay in there because I'll never get out of there. Now, I have never agreed with her advice in this regard before but she got into my head. That night I was sitting next to him on the floor and my back was hurting so I told him I was going to stay in the room but sit in the chair. He protested and fought sleep and we ended up in a power struggle. Eventually I got really frustrated and angry. I left the room and had his dad go in. He got really worked up. I wanted to go back in but felt I had to stick with it at that point. I also didn't want to undermine his dad. Eventually he fell asleep, but I felt horrible and as if I abandoned him. I have since decided that if he needs me with him for now, to go with it, since working with his needs in the past has always been successful. However, a part of me, being a psychologist, is concerned about reinforcing a negative pattern and creating a dependence on me to fall asleep. I guess I am looking for reassurance that it's ok for me to stay with him for now and that we will be able to get back to where we were. I think a big part of my losing my patience is that I was needing my down time and this whole situation was interfering with it. Mornings are also being more challenging because he is wanting my attention, and normally upon waking after his diaper change he would play independently in his crib for up to an hour. Again, this has resulted in a loss of down time for me as I have become used to this time to myself.</p> <p>Not to leave anything out, two other details may be relevant. When all this started out, my husband and I had been arguing and were not speaking much to each other for a few days. There was definitely tension between us. I wonder how much that disrupted our son's sense of security. The other thing is that our son has recently had a huge leap in his language skills beginning just prior to our visit with family. His vocabulary grows daily and he is now able and prefers to use his words to communicate. So I also wonder if the new milestone and move toward independence has also contributed to his needing more contact. </p> <p>Thank you for hanging in there with this very long post. My son has been sick the past few days so I am offering him as much comfort as he needs right now, but I would like to get back to where we were. I'm looking forward to hearing thoughts on our situation and any ideas on how to move forward.</p> <p>Nicole :) </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=166#post-613 Wed, 02 May 2012 07:17:13 +0000 Antje 613@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Welcome! I'm also in a location with no RIE groups nearby, so I'm also stalking this forum for support =) My daughter is currently 12 months old.</p> <p>I have so many mixed thoughts and feelings on this same topic. On the one hand, I strongly believe that my child will have to learn that different people behave differently, and learn how to cope with that and figure out how to relate to different people on her own. And yet it's difficult when others behave in ways that seem disrespectful to me, even if they have the best of intentions. I am lucky that my daughter has a very extroverted, strong, and resilient personality, so she does manage quite well even with the most exuberant strangers. I think if she were more of a sensitive soul I would be more of a mama bear for her.</p> <p>Probably the behaviour I struggle with the most is when people feel the need to constantly stimulate my daughter, with funny faces/games or pinching/poking/tickling/touching or incessant talking or waving toys in her face or otherwise directing her attention. How do you tell someone to back off already? I find this equally difficult with strangers as with family. They are almost always doing it out of the desire to build a relationship or connection with the child, and that is a wonderful intention, but how can you say anything about their methods without offending?</p> <p>Thankfully my husband is reasonably on board with RIE. In general, he's pretty averse to reading about parenting, and is resistant to adopting anyone else's ideas or philosophy. I guess RIE fits in well enough with his own ideas that he's not too stubborn about it. This week I have appreciated that he was willing to just put our daughter on the ground at the playground and see what she wanted to do rather than automatically putting her in the swing (which she does love very much). </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=166#post-612 Wed, 02 May 2012 04:12:31 +0000 Nicole S 612@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>I've discovered RIE through this blog over the past few months and the approach just makes so much sense to me; it really meshes with much of what I have been trying to do as a parent all along since my son was born (he's now 19 months). I have been trying to read as much as I can here as well as some of the other recommended sites, and have read both of Magda Gerber's books. I reside in Long Island, NY and although there are RIE classes offered in NYC, it is still too far of a distance for me to attend them. I didn't realize there was a forum here and am so excited to be able to connect with others who also embrace the RIE approach. Practicing greater mindfullness in relating to my son has also made me more aware of how others interact with him (and children in general). I am finding myself in a difficult place, particularly with my spouse and family, as they often interact with my son in ways that are different than the way I do. Don't get me wrong, they are mostly coming from a place of good intentions and love. However, I do find it frustrating sometimes. Ok, maybe more than sometimes! For example, if my son is experiencing negative emotions (ie. frustration, anger, upset), telling him he's "ok" or worse, reacting negatively to his reaction. When I was reading Magda's books, I shared passages with my husband, giving him the big picture. I am the reader and researcher in my family, whereas my husband is more physically action oriented and a "doer." I am also a psychologist and work in education, so my interest in parenting and child development is just in my bones. I try to share information, educate, and model when it comes to my husband and family who are open. I do recognize that mothers and fathers have different styles of interactions with their children. My husband has showed genuine interest when discussing RIE and does try to practice the approach as best he can, however, we are just on different pages (and different people). Sometimes, my own desires to be a more united, consistent team results in my giving pointers, and I think my husband interprets it as my nitpicking or criticizing his parenting, which is not my intention.</p> <p>I am wondering if others experience this and how they cope. Family and outsiders present another situation for me, as I find it reasonable to expect that my spouse and I will try to find some middle ground, but I can't always expect that of others. Again, I try to share info, educate, and model but that's not always possible, or appropriate. For example, my mother is very open and I am giving her "Your Self Confident Baby" to read (and she will read it). My father, who is adored by my son, also has a tendency to "no" him to death, and is sensitive and seems hurt and offended if I suggest he communicate differently with him. My mother-in-law loves our son so much that she sometimes has almost no personal space with him. She's in his face constantly and always demanding his attention, even when he is deeply engaged in play. I know she is coming from a good place, but this drives me CRAZY! I find it particularly uncomfortable to address this without feeling bad about it. I try to nicely tell her to give him some space or let him be, but I still feel like a meanie. So sometimes I just have to let it go, and just feel aggravated.</p> <p>So how to reconcile these feelings? And are my attempts to practice RIE with my son diminished when others are not on the same page (particularly within the same household)? Looking forward to hear your thoughts!</p> <p>Nicole </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=78&page=2#post-611 Wed, 02 May 2012 00:51:00 +0000 tracybushy87 611@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Hi everyone, this is a thread I have been reading and re-reading a lot over the past months. I am currently living in Sydney, after moving here from NZ last year. IN NZ I worked with Infants and as part of my Teacher Registration journey I was reading a lot about the RIE philosophy. I had planned to attend the foundations course but ended up moving to Sydney instead! The centre I worked in has been implementing Primary Caregiving for a number of years and were also moving deep into a journey of free movement. Me attending the Foundations course was going to further cement our journey, however personal reasons led us to Sydney! Since being based in Sydney I have worked with 4-5 year old children, but would like to return to my area of passion! I am also expecting our first child in 2 weeks, and both my husband and I are passionate about creating an environment of respect for our baby, where free movement is valued and his or her capabilities are valued. As much as I would love to stay home forever, I will be returning to work at some point and would love to be part of a centre that values the same things I do. I have tried googling to find centres that embrace free movement and respectful programs for infants but have found things very different to what I was used to in NZ. Any advice or guidance on where I might find such programs would be greatly appreciated! I would also love to see how other centres are implementing their programs for infants - looking forward to hopefully hearing from some fellow passionate infant teachers! </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=165#post-610 Mon, 30 Apr 2012 08:41:28 +0000 Nicole S 610@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Hi, I'm new to the forum and to using RSS feeds. I was giving the option initially to select a feed from a drop down menu, and, not knowing what I was doing, I selected Google since I have a gmail account. The Google reader is not able to locate some of the feeds I want to follow. I would like to get back to that drop down menu, but can't figure out how. Also, can someone please explain what an RSS feed is, I have some idea from playing around here, but am feeling a bit lost (blushing with embarassment)!</p> <p>Thanks :) </p> http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=163#post-608 Fri, 27 Apr 2012 16:10:47 +0000 kangelo526 608@http://janetlansbury.com/community/ <p>Thank you, Janet. I did forget to add that he is just over three years old. I will put your advice into practice immediately -- it makes total sense! I love your blog and have used acknowledging his feelings many, many times. It has stopped a full-blown tantrum in its tracks, just like you said. Everyone needs someone to let them know they feel understood, even the littles. :) </p>