A toddler acting out is not shameful, nor is it behavior that needs punishing. It’s a cry for attention, a shout-out for sleep, or a call to action for firmer, more consistent limits. It is the push-pull of our toddler testing his burgeoning independence. He has the overwhelming impulse to step out of bounds, while also desperately needing to know he is securely reined in. There is no question that children need discipline. As infant expert Magda Gerber said, “Lack of discipline is not kindness, it is neglect.”
The key to healthy and effective discipline is our attitude. Toddlerhood is the perfect time to hone parenting skills that will provide the honest, direct, and compassionate leadership our children will depend on for years to come.
Here are some guidelines:
1) Begin with a predictable environment and realistic expectations. A predictable, daily routine enables a baby to anticipate what is expected of him. That is the beginning of discipline. Home is the ideal place for infants and toddlers to spend the majority of their day. Of course, we must take them with us to do errands sometimes, but we cannot expect a toddler’s best behavior at dinner parties, long afternoons at the mall, or when his days are loaded with scheduled activities.
2) Don’t be afraid, or take challenging behavior personally. When toddlers act out in my classes, the parents often worry that their child might be a brat, a bully, an aggressive kid. When parents project those fears, it can cause the child to internalize the negative personas, or at least pick up on the parent’s tension, which often exacerbates the behavior. Instead of labeling a child’s action, learn to nip the behavior in the bud by disallowing it nonchalantly. If your child throws a ball at your face, try not to get annoyed. He doesn’t do it because he dislikes you, and he’s not a bad child. He is asking you (toddler-style) for the limits that he needs and may not be getting.
3) Respond in the moment, calmly, like a CEO. Finding the right tone for setting limits can take a bit of practice. Lately, I’ve been encouraging parents that struggle with this to imagine they are a successful CEO and that their toddler is a respected underling. The CEO corrects the errors of others with confident, commanding efficiency. She doesn’t use an unsure, questioning tone, get angry or emotional. Our child needs to feel that we are not nervous about his behavior, or ambivalent about establishing rules. He finds comfort when we are effortlessly in charge.
Lectures, emotional reactions, scolding and punishments do not give our toddler the clarity he needs, and can create guilt and shame. A simple, matter-of-fact “I won’t let you do that. If you throw that again I will need to take it away” while blocking the behavior with our hands is the best response. But react immediately. Once the moment has passed, it is too late. Wait for the next one!
4) Speak in first person. Parents often get in the habit of calling themselves “mommy” or “daddy”. Toddlerhood is the time to change over into first person for the most honest, direct communication possible. Toddlers test boundaries to clarify the rules. When I say “Mommy doesn’t want Emma to hit the dog”, I’m not giving my child the direct (‘you’ and ‘me’) interaction she needs.
5) No time out. I always think of infant expert Magda Gerber asking in her grandmotherly Hungarian accent, “Time out of what? Time out of life?” Magda was a believer in straightforward, honest language between a parent and child. She didn’t believe in gimmicks like ‘time-out’ , especially to control a child’s behavior or punish him. If a child misbehaves in a public situation, the child is usually indicating he’s tired, losing control and needs to leave. Carrying a child to the car to go home, even if he kicks and screams, is the respectful way to handle the issue. Sometimes a child has a tantrum at home and needs to be taken to his room to flail and cry in our presence until he regains self-control. These are not punishments, but caring responses.
6) Consequences. A toddler learns discipline best when he experiences natural consequences for his behavior, rather than a disconnected punishment like time-out. If a child throws food, his or her mealtime is over. If a child refuses to get dressed, we don’t go to the park today. These parental responses appeal to a child’s sense of fairness. The child may still react negatively to the consequence, but he does not feel manipulated or shamed.
7) Don’t discipline a child for crying. Children need rules for behavior, but their emotional responses to the limits we set (or to anything else for that matter) should be allowed, even encouraged. Toddlerhood can be a time of intense, conflicting feelings. Children may need to express anger, frustration, confusion, exhaustion and disappointment, especially if they don’t get what they want because we’ve set a limit. A child needs the freedom to safely express his feelings without our judgment. He may need a pillow to punch — give him one.
8) Unconditional love. Withdrawing our affection as a form of discipline teaches a child that our love and support turns on a dime, evaporating because of his momentary misbehavior. How can that foster a sense of security? Alfie Kohn’s New York Times article, “When A Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do As I Say’,” explores the damage this kind of “conditional parenting” (recommended by experts like talk show host Phil McGraw and Jo Frost of “Supernanny”) causes, as the child grows to resent, distrust and dislike his parents, feel guilt, shame, and a lack of self-worth.
9) Spanking – NEVER. Most damaging of all to a relationship of trust are spankings. And spanking is a predictor of violent behavior. Time Magazine article, “The Long-Term Effects of Spanking” , by Alice Park, reports findings from a recent study: “the strongest evidence yet that children’s short-term response to spanking may make them act out more in the long run. Of the nearly 2,500 youngsters in the study, those who were spanked more frequently at age 3 were much more likely to be aggressive by age 5.”
Purposely inflicting pain on a child cannot be done with love. Sadly however, the child often learns to associate the two.
Loving our child does not mean keeping him happy all the time and avoiding power struggles. Often it is doing what feels hardest for us to do…saying “No” and meaning it.
Our children deserve our direct, honest responses so they can internalize ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, and develop the authentic self-discipline needed to respect and be respected by others. As Magda Gerber wrote in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, “The goal is inner-discipline, self-confidence and joy in the act of cooperation.”
This is groundbreaking post that inspired my bestselling book No Bad Kids and my new master course: nobadkidscourse.com!
I really love this post… it’s very good advice… In some of the comments its easy to get stuck on what to do in certain situations! I agree with being vague because EVERY child is different and needs to be handled as an individual! I have a Character Coin Chart System that I made up for my son when he was 3! He is very “spirited” and even with YEARS of working with children and my BA in Child Development I had MANY problems figuring out natural consequences for his actions until this chart! I hope this might help some other moms out in the same situation I was in!
It worked WONDERS for me with my son
and now with my 3 year old daughter, who is pretty easy going, it is STILL working wonders for me with her!
Here is the link
http://lifesprinkledwithglitter.blogspot.com/p/behavioral-chart-for-your-2-6-year-old.html
I also blogged about the elementary chart I started with my son when he turned 6…. You can find it on my blog!
What if I have already spanked? How do I mend that trust with my daughter? She’s 2 and a half and her dad and I have been spanking her. It’s clearly not working and we feel awful afterwards. It’s a loose loose. My husband and I have both decided the spanking needs to stop. However are we too late? Where do we go from here?
Christi, it’s never too late. The wonderful thing about children is that when we change our tune, they are ready and willing to harmonize with us. If you implement these non-punitive, respectful strategies, you’ll likely see the positive effects almost immediately. I would be really honest…and apologize to your child for doing what you thought was right. First and foremost, forgive yourself!
My two cents: I was spanked as a child, as were my brothers. This punishment was saved for serious disobedience, not for general discipline/training. None of us were bullies nor did we “act out.”
I’m now the aunt of 11, and again spanking is an option but rarely used. I do remember that my “spirited” nephew went through a phase where we tried spanking, but it clearly wasn’t working. He just shrugged it off and continued his behavior. Then my sister-in-law read a parenting book by James Dobson (I am completely blanking on the title, but I think it was specific to boys/sons) that recommended laying a (gentle) hand on his shoulder, looking him in the eye, and calmly but firmly explaining what he was doing wrong and what the consequences would be if he continued. This worked wonders! We had to be diligent about consistency and follow through, but it didn’t take long for his behavior to turn around.
In short: I don’t think spanking, when used sparingly as part of a loving disciplinary strategy, results in bullies or “meanies”, but it definitely isn’t the answer for every child.
I definitely agree with Mel. It’s so frustrating to constantly hear spanking being made into something it isn’t … there are such generalizations being made. I’m sure that there are too many parents who do use spanking in a terrible, unloving way. But I was spanked and I was never violent or aggressive or anything like that, and I had and still have a wonderful relationship with my parents. Spanking was only for very rare occasions and there was always a helpful, productive exchange of forgiveness and love after. Parents who use spanking effectively don’t WANT to spank their kids – I see it as a way of releasing shame for children who can’t yet verbalize such this shame they feel from direct disobedience of their parents. I know this isn’t popular, nor do I think it is for every child as Mel said above, but I just wish there could an honest discussion about spanking where certain studies weren’t cited as absolute truth, and instead we could look at real examples of people who used spanking and their thoughts on it now that they are adults.
The link to your chart does not seem to be working. I also have an 18-month-old very “spirited” son. Your chart(s) would be helpful to me as I have a really hard time dealing with and handling my son’s behavior. Thank you.
I don’t know why the above link to my chart doesn’t work!
Here is the link again! and it should show up!!!
http://lifesprinkledwithglitter.blogspot.com/p/behavioralfinancial-charts.htl
I’ve not read all the comments (there are lots of them!) so apologies if this has already been covered, but just wanted to respond to your paragraph about consequences. I totally agree about natural consequences, but I think we have to be so careful that these are not experienced as a punishment. If my child refused to get dressed I would ask myself what is bothering him that is making him be uncooperative, and try to address this. If he’s just needing some extra attention that day, for example, I would offer to help him. I might also employ various other strategies to get him to get dressed (giving choices, making a game out of it). One strategy I would use would be to give information (we can’t go to the park until you’re dressed). But at the end of the day, I’m not sure I would just say we’re not going to the park because you didn’t get dressed. This seems too much like a punishment to me, and one that will set us at odds for the rest of the day too. Surely his refusal to get dressed is him expressing a need? Or am I too permissive?!
Btw, I have to say that I love your posts!
Hi Jo- just wanted to put my oar in here! I am a big believer in natural consequences, and if you remain calm it is not seen as punishment. Would you take your child to the park naked? Of course not. Would you take him in his undies? No. He must learn that there are certain behaviours that preclude certain activities. Saying no doesn’t have to be a big deal- like Janet says, be calm about it, but no means no.
If he doesn’t want to get dressed, yes, he may be overtired- which means he is too tired to go to the park anyway. He may be focussed on another activity, so he needs to choose that or going to the park. He may make a fuss because he wants your attention, in which case that is what you need to talk to him about- going to the park is not the point, for either of you- and in that case he needs you to give him hugs, give him your time, slow down. He may just be sick of rushing around, in which case you need to unschedule his life a little.
If you constantly let things slip by and fill in the blanks for him (eg take him to the park at a time that’s inconvenient for the family, because he didn’t get dressed when you were originally going) you are teaching him that he’s the one in control. He’s not- he shouldn’t be- he’s a child and he needs you to be the parent. You are also teaching him that your boundaries aren’t real. That can make him feel very insecure.
I would say calmly, “You aren’t dressed yet. I have reminded you to get ready three times and you are still not dressed. That is telling me that you don’t want to go to the park, so we won’t go today.” END OF CONVERSATION.
To give firm boundaries calmly, respectfully and without violence is an act of love. It’s much harder than just giving in and always giving a child what he wants. I think the strategies you talk about are great- but the bottom line is, if you said ‘we don’t go to the park unless you get dressed,’ then at the end of the day, when he doesn’t get dressed, the answer must be no.
Maybe the real answer here is to choose your battles carefully and know your limit (and what your son really wants to do) before you plan an activity.
Annie, beautiful explanation and I wholeheartedly agree with every word. Thank you!
Your comment, he’s a child and he needs you to be the parent, is completely correct. However, by allowing him to ‘choose’ not to get dressed because he’s interested in something else is just not realistic. In the real world, there are places you HAVE to go, and the child HAS to get dressed. It’s not all about the choices for the child. If he has to be at the Dr. at 9am, he HAS to get dressed and go. Be a parent. The child does not make the rules.
I agree with “being the parent” especially in this case if you let him not get dressed this control hungry toddler has won one over on his mom and now he knows he can have his way next time too. And if he doesn’t get his way next time well that inconsistent and emotionally straining isn’t it?
The problem i have with alot of these blogs ect. on disapline is you always hear what not to do. But what should I do? The “CEO mom” yes i like that. I hear moms raising their voice so often it becomes the norm for her kids. But when my toddler starts throwing a tantrum in the middel of my friends livingroom or anywhere for that matter, calmly address issue one time then ignore it? Put him in his room to cry it out? What if he continues to repeat behavior he knows is not acceptable just for attention? What if he bullies? If your reaction isn’t convincing he’ll only continue behavior. You can’t be that passive mom who isn’t scary or you’ll loss control but you can’t be that constant scream or you’ll loose integrity.
Agree!
Thank you for saying that! I have two, a nine year old and four year old. I thought that paragraph on consequences was a little simplistic as I thought a lot of the advice was. There are many more things in the day that children and parents must do besides “go to the park.”
Sometimes I think these articles are lovely but much too simplistic for all the grey areas of parenting and ultimately may do more harm than good. Parents wind up feeling terrible about themselves and the job of parenting is difficult enough as it is. And many of us are completely alone, without family, doing it.
I am a bit concerned…I do get the idea of natural consequences, but as a single mum and CEO – I just simply don’t have the luxury of time for natural consequences. When I need my daughter to get dressed in the morning for school…and she is telling me she needs more attention, or doesn’t want to school today, by refusing to get dressed…I just don’t have to luxury of time to set natural consequences. I can’t send her to school naked, and nor can I say “well no school then”… While I want to be the best mum I can be I am at a bit of a loss about how to apply these ideas when I am not a stay at home, live life only around my child, mum… punishments like time out may not fit the model, but when we have to go in 10 minutes because life doesn’t wait on my child’s moods… what do I do??
Hi Rhianon, the “going to the park” example is obviously about a “yellow light” situation, not a time when the child has no choice in the matter (and I agree with others who have said that this resistance is often about the child being too tired to go anyway, or needing more hands-on care, i.e, needing mum to help pick out your clothes and dress you, even though the child is perfectly capable of doing those things). There are also “red light” situations like going to school…in which we have to insist (and sometimes force the issue), while acknowledging all of our child’s desires and feelings. When we do this with empathy and confidence, the crying or complaining is usually far less dramatic than we imagine… Children might continue to test in these situations until we give them the comfort and assurance of our insistence. Here are a couple of posts that might help:
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/05/setting-limits-with-toddlers-the-choices-they-cant-make/
and https://www.janetlansbury.com/2009/10/securing-boundaries-no-walk-in-the-park/.
Please also check my discipline section in the drop down menu under “parenting/behavior” on the toolbar: https://www.janetlansbury.com/category/parenting/behavior/discipline-behavior-parenting/
Although I agree with some of the postings i have to say that there are some that are kinda off the chart. Just my opinion…but if there is no “punishment” for breaking the rules you as a parent sets then how do you expect them to know how to cope when in the “real world” of broken rules come with all kinds of punishments. Here are just a few…. being kicked out of school, jail, lose of job, traffic tickets, lose of relationships…. should I go on. We as parents have to find a middle somewhere that works for our child and family. Every child is different even in the same family. What worked for one may not work for the next. I think punishment is good and much needed. It is apart of growth. But with punishment should come love. Always talk about what happened and why the punishment took place and work together on not repeating it. It makes the child be responsible for his action and teaches him how to improve.
Laurie, when we teach through respectful limits rather than using punishments, children truly want to follow our rules (and society’s rules, too!). They develop a trusting and positive relationship with “authority”. Children need to know that we are always on their side, looking out for them, helping them not to misbehave. I guess this is the difference between a good leader and a “punisher” or “enforcer”.
I guess that I will be the lonely voice that disagrees with the underlying premise of this dialogue.I have four grown children: all loving, compassionate and competent adults. Each was spanked for defiance and obvious disobedience. Spanking is not abusive if applied properly. Never did they become aggressive or bullying as a result of being appropriately punished, but they did learn right from wrong, respect for authority, and self control.
Sorry, again. I cannot agree with this information. Children truly want to follow our rules? Did you have very quiet passive children?
I hope parents out there won’t beat themselves up or feel they are “doing it wrong” if they have children who do not “truly want to follow our rules.” Some kids are like that, many are not.
I found this very helpful. My only concern is that sometimes my youngest child’s behaviour (age 2) affects my other children and I don’t have time to do natural consequences. For example, in the morning when I need to get my eldest (age 5) to school if my two year old does not get dressed without a tantrum I do not have time to let him cry it out in his room. So, do I bring him to school in the car naked? I’m stuck on how to incorporate his natural consequences with the reality of my schedule and two other small children. HELP!
I would not bring your boy out naked. If all else fails (preparation in advance, choices about what he wears, a little time to hear his feelings and acknowledge them), I might slip a bathrobe on him and bring him in the car crying. All the while, I would acknowledge with as much empathy as you can muster, “You really did not want to come in the car this morning. You did not want to get dressed,” etc. The more we speak non-judgmentally to our toddler’s feelings, the sooner he can let him go of them. Sometimes children just want to know for sure that their point of view is understood and accepted.
The trouble I have is that I know my child and after a day or several where we’ve been cooped up in side, I KNOW my 2.5 year old will have tons of fun at the park. I know I need to get out of the house and my younger one does and she does too. But sometimes it is SUCH an ordeal to get her to cooperate and move to the next task such as change clothes, go potty, put shoes on, etc. I can say “Okay, if you don’t want to get dressed then we won’t go to the park.” But an hour later she complains about wanting to go to the park and I just have such a low tolerance for repeated complaints I’ve already addressed. I just can’t take the whining and complaining and fit throwing later. I just have a very hard time with listening to the SOUNDS of a frustrated child who can’t be pleased. I don’t mind the emotion, just the screeching, whining loud sounds of it all. And I realize I can’t logic it out with her and get her to fully understand that she has to cooperate and get ready before we do fun things.
The other thing I’m struggling with is repeated hitting, pulling down, pushing of her younger brother. She’s almost 3 and he’s just turned 1. It happens frequently throughout the day. And while constant attention would prevent it, there are times when I DO have to do some work on my computer, I DO have to cook some meals, I DO have to tend to some housework but I am thoroughly fed up with the little brother abuse. We give so many warnings, time-outs, occasionally a swat on the behind. I’ve validated feelings and talked about other options. She can list her options after the fact. But nothing has reduced the occurrence. I’m out of ideas. If I’m cooking or typing or doing ANYTHING but keeping my eyes glued to them I can’t just physically block her actions. What do I DO to reduce the number of occurrences?
I would add that certain behaviours do call for a punishment. At school, we call these ‘bottom line behaviours’. We hope and guide children towards apology and restitution, as well as making an effort to uncover the cause of misbehaviour (is the child hungry? having home issues? etc.) But some behaviours and dangerous and cannot be allowed. If the child, for whatever reason, refuses to cooperate, then safety (for the child, other children, and other adults) takes precedence. A child who is throwing chairs around the room because stresses at home are huge needs to be removed from the room first and likely for a length of time (i.e. punished), although it’s obviously followed up by more constructive efforts.
I couldn’t agree more with you Jo. It’s hard to imagine saying to a two year old” “you don’t put on your clothes then we’re not going to the park” and not have it sound punitive. I’m all for 1) reexamining what i’m asking. Is going to the park right now a great idea? Why might he be resisting? At a table I would say, “I don’t allow throwing food at the table. You can throw outside afterwards. Throwing food tells me you are done and ready to play. Is that right?” And if the child wanted to eat, he’d sit back down. If not, I’d clear the table. But one i’d give another chance.
Also, i think Magda was ahead of her time in calling the teachers of her classes “facilitators” so that the emphasis was learning from and with the child. teacher was a dated/innacurate word. Similarly she wanted parents / nannies etc. to think of themselves as educarers. she tried to coin a new term. i think she was still going with her times when she used the term discipline. it is generally understood in our culture as:” The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.” And so i think we need to replace the term. And the tone that goes along with it. We are authority figures for sure, but we guide, in my pov and work with children. to me a natural consequence is, if you don’t want to put on your rain coat, you’ll get wet. not if you don’t get dressed you won’t be able to go to the park (presumably the place they want to go.) though i would wonder, if they aren’t getting dressed, do they really want to go. maybe she’s trying to tell me something!
Hi Jo! To add to Annie’s comment (above) I agree that natural consequences can be stated as if they are punishments and I don’t recommend that. Our tone and attitude is important… I like your process of figuring out your child’s behavior.
Natural consequences are about being in a honest relationship with our child. If the park is something the child has a choice about and does not want to get dressed (even with help), I would definitely assume that there are reasons behind that (tiredness or just wanting to do less, stay home and putter, etc.). The child is making a choice. When we coax him with choices and games, we aren’t really trusting him to be able to either handle a gentle, honest limit, or mean what he says… Oftentimes children try out these things just to see if we are capable of setting limits for them. And they secretly hope that we are.
Honest relationship with a child can sometimes mean “I’m angry, kiddo.” Not everything can or should be sugar coated. If I’m furious and/or at the end of my rope, I should talk sweetly? My children are not stupid. They know when mom is angry!
Oh, I love this! I will now imagine myself as the CEO of my household company when I’m going crazy getting everyone out the door in the mornings.
um.. I rushed into parenting thinking i was ready. My partner made it clear at the time that he wasnt but i was stuck on ‘its the right tim’. Im patient, understanding, and easy to talk to. Complete opposite of my parents. I was removed from my home because of abuse. I love my daughter and throughout the years(3) i have stuck by the ‘im not my mom’ idea i engraved into my head. Recently my three year old has hit a ‘wining’ stage. I work more than i have time for her. She is with her daddy most of the time and has me feeling like a stranger. When i am around i try to spend playtime with her or take her out for ice cream but she ends up crying for hours for her daddy. Just yesterday i took her to a family members while daddy was busy. The whole time she was screaming and crying for him. I tried calmly telling her daddy is busy but i can play with you but she continued to repeat her self ‘i want my daddy’ over and over for half an hour. I told her that i could hear her and found myself getting frustrated. She wasnt crying, she was wining and still dont understand how i can get her to trust me stop the wining. Its gotten bad enough at times i had to take her home right after showing up at a friends house and kept her home during my weekends off to try to give her one on one but she just doesnt seem to want me. I know some children feel more secure with one parent than the other but i have done nothing to make her distrust me unless its my work schedule. Im feeling a bit left out of something i alone wanted.
It’s a stage. Even children who have ‘equal access’ to both parents will go through stages like this.
firsttimemom, I don’t think this is about your daughter feeling more secure with her dad. This is her seeking something from you…and I believe that it is total acceptance and acknowledgment of her feelings and an unruffled response. In other words, instead of saying, “Daddy is busy but I can play with you.” I would say, “You really, really want your daddy right now. That’s so hard. You wish you had daddy here. How upsetting! I totally understand!” Be totally sincere and empathetic. This is meeting her where she is…and it can work wonders.
This post is fantastic! LOVE IT! Our toddler is 19 months old with motor delays affecting all areas, including speech. Frustration is common, and one of the things he does often is throw things in order to express “I’m done with this.” He will also throw an item if he’s upset that he’s not getting enough attention or something is taking a few seconds longer than he wants it to. He knows the sign for “all done” and we’re trying to teach him, to hand us the item or put it down, when he’s all done with it. But he just chucks it from wherever he might be…. high chair, carseat, seat at a restaurant, pew at church, couch, playing with a friend. This is a problem obviously… He isn’t trying to hurt others, but he has, just by hitting them with items he’s thrown. Not intentionally… I’d love some ideas on how to help him with this. I’ve told him over and over, “I can’t let you throw things” and taken the item away. I’ve also talked to him about why it’s “not safe” to throw things. Nothing has worked and I’m unsure what to do. Any ideas would be welcome. While I know this is a common stage toddlers go through, I’d still appreciate ideas since it’s been going on for more than 3 months. Thank you.
Deb, first and foremost, try to stay calm, so the throwing doesn’t become an even more exciting thing to do. I would also try to anticipate the throwing and gently but firmly prevent it from happening. “It seems you want to throw that, but I won’t let you.”
The examples you give (carseat, highchair, seat at restaurant, etc.) are mostly about situations in which he feels confined. I would try to minimize the time he spends in those situations…at least, for now.
You might want to look into using a small table for some of your little guy’s meals: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/01/baby-table-manners/
I would stop telling him that it’s not safe to throw things, etc., because he definitely knows that by now. Assuring him that you are going to stop him (gently and calmly) and then not making a big deal out of it if you don’t get there in time will ease this behavior.
HELP!!!!
I read this post and I am still in need of understanding. I have a three year old who is completely out of control. Since he was born this is no new thing…. He has constantly whined and cried almost on a constant basses. He has had many changed in his life that we could not avoid one major being He father leaving for the first year of his life to Afghanistan. Since my husband has come home things have slowly gotten worse over time as well as us adding another child to our family. I have done so much research to try and help us handle This whining and crying fits that he has and I have come up empty handed. I am a very consistent person when it comes to discipline and I always make sure I stick to what I say. We have tried rewards charts, play time at the park, treats for good behavior, talking calmly, yelling, time outs, spanking, and many many more……. I am at my complete whits end with my child and I just don’t know what to do next. Please help if you can. I have run out of things to try and the doctors have been no help what so ever…..I don’t want to be so frustrated and scream at my child any more but this is the only thing that seems to get through to him. I feel like the worst mother in the world and i need this to get better NOW!!!!! HELP PLEASE!!!!
Jennifer,
I know how challenging it can be. All mothers need a large support system to share these kinds of challenges with and to celebrate all the joys. Is there a local parenting group you can join? Is your child in preschool or a parent/ child class? Sometimes the class teacher can be a huge help because they also really get to know you and your child and can give advice specific to your situation. Most importantly, you need someone to talk to — family, friends, teachers, parenting circles… keep searching for your support community. And keep reaching out to these on-line communities, too.
Jennifer, have you considered removing things from his diet on a trial basis? I have two little ones (2 & 3; these are the youngest of five) who are gluten- and casein-intolerant. Have been from the get-go. Not allergic, but they both have autism diagnoses which are obvious when they get anything with gluten or casein…but not so much with the “right” diet. There are MANY possibilities besides gluten and casein…different food dyes, additives, preservatives, chemical sweeteners…
I wouldnt raise this, except that you noted that he has had difficulty since birth, so I thought I would offer this possibility. Probably the easiest way to at leats find out if this MAY be the cause is to go to a “meat and potatoes” diet…very basic, no pre-made foods, and I would honestly get organic if at all possible, as the non-pre-made foods wouldn’t have any preservatives or coloring or anything in them. I know it sounds expensive, but it is SO much less expensive than having a behaviorally unsound child who has to go to multiple therapists for issues, and to multiple doctors for GI issues from years of having things that his little body may be trying to tell you it can’t tolerate. My website is actually my fb page; get in touch if you’d like more info or anything. And God bless your family for all that you all do for our country. 😀
peace–
kat.
homeschooling.mom.to.kyleigh.emmaleigh.zachary.joleigh.and.colby.
I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure… don’t deserve me at my best.
~Marilyn Monroe
We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
~Dr. Seuss
Generation Rescue’s Vaccinated vs. Unvaccinated Children Survey:
We surveyed over 9,000 boys in California and Oregon and found that vaccinated boys had a 155% greater chance of having a neurological disorder like ADHD or autism than unvaccinated boys.
In 1983, the Centers for Disease Control recommended a total of 10 vaccines for our children. In 2008, the CDC recommends 36, an increase of 260%. Yet, no studies have ever been done to compare neurological disorder (“ND”) rates of unvaccinated children to vaccinated children.
http://www.generationrescue.com
Hi Jennifer,
I’m sorry it has taken me a bit of time to spot your comment. It must have come at a busy time!
You are correct that these things usually don’t work (at least, not in the long term): “We have tried rewards charts, play time at the park, treats for good behavior, talking calmly, yelling, time outs, spanking, and many many more..” The only one of these that DOES work is “talking calmly”, but parents make the mistake of believing that this in itself is enough…and then when the child continues to act out, the parent gets angry. Children need to know that we will politely explain our expectations verbally, and then also follow through by calmly stopping them from doing whatever it is they are doing.
First and foremost, don’t try to control your daughter’s feelings or the way she expresses them, UNLESS it means hurting you or someone else or destroying property. If you are getting angry or frustrated when your daughter cries or whines, she has almost no choice but to continue to feel misunderstood, unloved, out of control.
Young children cannot and should not control their feelings. And, in fact, they need to know that their feelings are allowed and understood. “You really enjoyed that balloon and it popped. That is so disappointing. I wish I could buy you a thousand more, but I can’t. We will have to go home without a balloon. I understand how upset you are. I’m glad you are getting those feelings out.”
If you are upset about your husband not being there…and that is making you feel short tempered, share that with your daughter. “I miss Daddy so much right now. I’m sorry I got upset with you.”
Whining usually means the child is holding feelings in, but here are some thoughts about handling the situation: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/08/why-the-whining-and-4-steps-to-eventual-peace/. For more, please check out my section on discipline:https://www.janetlansbury.com/category/parenting/behavior/discipline-behavior-parenting/
I agree with the majority of this list, but I do have one issue. Yes, it’s tip #9 – no spanking. I do not believe that spanking should be the only type of punishment used; in fact, I believe it should be a “last resort” of sorts, the punishment used for extreme cases. Also, the child needs to be older than a toddler, old enough that he understands the correlation between their actions and the spanking, and the parent should never spank in their anger or in front of others. That is abuse and humiliation. In both Jewish and Christian Scriptures, parents are admonished that “sparing the rod will spoil the child.” Spanking, in its proper place, is not a bad thing.
“sparing the rod will spoil the child” is not found in either Jewish or Christian scriptures.
For a more detailed look on whether spanking is biblical the Hippie Housewife did an excellent blog series on that.
http://hippiehousewife.blogspot.com/2011/11/rod-verses-taking-rod-verses-literally.html
Proverbs 23:12-14. (NLT) “Commit yourself to instruction; attune your ears to hear words of knowledge. Don’t fail to correct your children. Then won’t die if you spank them. Physical discipline may well save them from death.”
The correct reference for that is Proverbs 13:24: “Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.” NLT
AND Proverbs 23:13-14: “Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell.” NKJV
I have to agree with everything written here (I’m not a parent, but a teacher, and those points work well with teenagers too!) but I disagree with the last. I’m starting to feel that since spanking has become less acceptable, the kids who are hit are actually hit, not spanked (I do think there’s a difference). Therefore, studies will be skewed. While I obviously never physically discipline my students, and would hope not to spank my own children if I have any, I knew the difference when I was a child (between hitting/abuse and spanking) and I can’t say I’m a particularly violent person.
Dawn, thanks for your comments. I find it interesting that there are child care practices like spanking (and even less risky choices like pacifier use) that some parents believe absolutely necessary, but just as many (if not more) parents can raise children well (and easily) without. I can 100% assure you that it is possible to raise extremely physically and emotionally healthy, secure, confident, kind, well-behaved, successful children without either spanking or pacifiers. I can only wonder why we use these things when they are completely unnecessary… I’m still waiting for someone to give me a good reason…
I also have to add to that I do not see a difference between hitting and spanking, except perhaps that spanking is “ritualized” hitting…and more intentional. And I am even MORE sure that children do not feel any differently about be spanked by their parents then they do by being hit by them. Seriously, what IS the difference???
Indeed there is a difference! I grew up in a “butt whipping” world. The only form of punishment was spanking. I am 53 years old and it was the most acceptable form of punishment, even the schools could spank you. I didn’t have personal experience with that, but I hear that my brother and husband did. 🙂
Here’s the difference. Whenever I was spanked (and most often with the belt or a switch) I knew I had done wrong, I even knew in advance what the consequences were going to be. I understood that my parents loved me…to this day I know they loved me and did the best they thought possible. Once I started raising my own family I ventured away from the spanking simply because for me, as a kid I was willing to risk the spanking to get to do what I wanted to do. Only once in my entire 18 years of living at home did my Dad decide to put me on “restriction” instead of spanking me. I wasn’t allowed to attend a youth group function with the church. Not only did I not get to attend, I then had to explain to all of my peers why I wasn’t coming!! Lord the pain of that!!! I actually asked my Dad if I could trade the restriction for a spanking!!!!
Here is your answer about the difference; first its the motive and intention of the spanking over hitting. If as the adult you are out of control yourself with anger…its not the correct time to spank your child because it will become ‘hitting” and abuse.
My children grew up with restriction and spanking. They had a very direct list of rules that would result in a spanking, there was no gray area where they’d have to stop and think…will I get in trouble for this…they knew before they ever chose to do it.
Because we as parents have become more and more relaxed with our discipline and very little consequences of any significance, our children are out of control.
Remember, if as adults you handle your stresses with yelling, cussing and screaming at each other, your kids will assume that is how to communicate as well.
Further, the example given that if “Johnny” doesn’t want to go to the park then we just won’t go because HE is not in the mood. REALLY?? What if the rest of the entire family IS in the mood and its a planned family event with picnic packed and tickets purchased…do we all stay home because Johnny doesn’t feel like getting up and getting dressed and ready to go.
REALLY??? If we raise a society of children like that, NO ONE would ever go to work!!
Because we are taught discipline, we do get dressed when we don’t want, we do go places where we’d prefer not to go, we do participate even if we don’t want or at the very least stay civilized while others around us are doing it. And that is just for Monday work and one office conference!! Plus, even if we are tired and overworked we are discipline to understand it is still not the excuse or the time to lash out, throw things and misbehave.
One thing I have found that has been very successful with my grandchildren who have not been taught discipline(their mother was raised to be a free spirit), is mirroring my grandchildrens behavior to them. I have one that liked tantrums, the full on the floor kicking feet and screaming. He decided he’d do it one evening at my house..with a full house of guest. On my kitchen floor be commensed his fit. I calmly told him he was doing it all wrong. I laid down beside him and thrashed around and screamed to the top of my lungs and beat my fists on the floor. He jumped up and said…STOP Nanny…you are embarrassing me!!! Well DUH!! Same to ya!! He has never thrown a fit in my house or around me since…whenever he would start up his engine to do so…I would look over at him and ask if he wanted me to join him. He would shut right up!
Finally, each child is like a fingerprint, they may have the same parents but so so different in every aspect. With one you may have to join on the floor doing a tantrum. Another you simply may have to speak their name in a tone that they know not to cross.
I do agree with the Author of this string, there are no bad kids but they do indeed need true parenting and discipline.
To quote the most important book and author..The Bible…train up a child in the way it should go and it will not depart from it when he is old.
And instructions from the same book, “spare the rod and you will spoil the child”.
Even if you only believe the Bible as another book written with no signifcant implications…isn’t it interesting that over 2000 years ago someone thought it important to say, train your child and discipline your child.
Sometimes it is good to stick with what you know. All the discipline changes made over the last few generations has not produced the best results with the crime rate from our youth being the highest in history.
Not a sermon just a thought!
Vickie,
A “butt whipping world” sounds horrendous to me, doesn’t it to you? I’m grateful that we seem to be slowing coming to our senses as a society and I will continue to do all I can to educate parents. I hope to help change those archaic ways of thinking.
There is simply no reason to hit children… They learn beautifully and perfectly through respectful teaching. Why are we wasting time and energy defending our right to spank kids? No one has yet been able to answer my question… If you were certain you could raise wonderful, successful children without spanking, WHY would you do it? Because your parents did it? All this proves is the powerful influence our parents have. We can teach our children that hitting much smaller, more vulnerable, defenseless people is perfectly okay…and even necessary. I can 100% guarantee you that it isn’t. I understand defending our parents, but you’ve been brainwashed!
I was excited to find this on pinterest but saddened out how ignorant it came across to me and will have to unpin it. I very much agree with all that Vicki had to say. There is a HUGE difference between hitting and spanking to refuse to acknowledge that difference is ignorant. I grew up in a home where our bare butts were spanked with a belt for disobedience, it was not at all horrendous, I always knew my dad was doing it because he loved me enough to correct me so I would understand making good choices and becoming a responsible adult and I always know when it was coming and why and understood it. My 2 year old understands the correlation between misbehaving and spanking very well, I was just thinking about this today and how he rarely gets a spanking all I have to do is ask if he needs one and most always he straightens right up, I might have to start counting and only get to 1 (he knows at 3 he will get one). I didn’t have any trust issues with my dad and I don’t see my children having any trust issues with me. I do too however find it interesting that has spanking has become less common in the home that teenage violence and crime has gone considerable up. You can not possible guarantee 100% that your way of parenting will work, you are not me and you do not know my children, every child and every relationship is different, it is important to be able to understand your child and what they need. Maybe it was possible for you but there is no way to 100% guarantee it is possible in every situation in making such statements it really invalidates everything else you say. Your words come across so harsh and strong in your viewpoints I feel like it is a slap in the face to those who do not agree with you, for someone so against spanking I would think you would be softer and more understanding in your approach to communicate, but rather your words come across just as harshly as a spanking.
I agree with both Melissa and Vicky. I found this on pinterest and am quickly unpinning. There IS a big difference between hitting and spanking. And the fact that you refusing to even acknowledge that there are differences between the two is ignorant. Kids are smart. They know the difference.
I can understand wanting to believe that kids know the difference, but I don’t, for a second. If I don’t see the difference I can’t imagine that a child would.
Janet – just because you have not had enough experience with the proper way to spank a child, doesn’t mean that a child who has had the experience of a proper spanking doesn’t know the difference between being hit and getting a spanking. I grew up getting spankings, and I was never hit. My mother (a single mom) would always give me a warning, speak to me calmly, and then, if I still did not obey, I understood that a spanking was my consequence, and my choice. It ultimately gave me security to know that I couldn’t do whatever I felt like–that my actions had consequences. I was never hit by my mother. That would have been something done unexpectedly, without love, in a moment of anger. Now, that would have been very painful emotionally. Instead, I was given a warning, I knew it was coming, and then I would get my spanking if that was what I chose. Afterwards, my mother would talk to me more in depth about why she had to spank me, even though she really didn’t like to–she knew it was best for me, and I knew it, too. I never felt like I was being hit–I felt loved, honestly, that my mom would take the time out and patiently talk me through it and provide the consequences that I needed. I would call spanking discipline, not punishment, when done correctly. By the way, it IS talked about in the Bible – Proverbs 13:24 “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”
Sarah, I don’t believe that spanking a child is proper. Period. And I am certainly not alone in this view. Here’s what Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, a world renowned pediatrician and educator says:
“Our belief is that spanking is not necessary, can be harmful, and certainly does not serve the purposes of discipline. Punishment that merely stops a problem behavior in the moment –- and any aversive stimulus applied to a misbehaving child can accomplish this -– does not teach the child, nor does it prepare him for the ultimate goal of discipline: self-discipline.
Discipline is not punishment but teaching. Punishments that do not teach will not help the child learn to control his behavior when parents are not present or once the child is too big to be physically dominated by parents. A child who has not been disciplined to learn self-control by the time he is old enough to be unsupervised by parents, or old enough to fight back at parents who spank, is a child in danger.
Many parents who were spanked as children tell us that they do not remember why they were spanked, or what they learned, but that they sure do remember being spanked, how it felt and how angry they were. Many remember feeling less trusting and accepting of their parents’ authority and wisdom when physical force was used against them.
Some parents, though, say: “Look at me. I was spanked as a child, and I turned out O.K.” To them, we ask, “Did you turn out O.K. because you were spanked, or in spite of it?”
Janet, you see spanking as punishment, when in fact, it is quite simply discipline. You are trying to make a distinction for it to become punishment that isn’t there. Discipline is an action, punishment is a mentality. I think it would serve you well to better understand the difference. I know my child and mostly likely the children of most who disagree with you definitely understand the difference.
Respect is earned… Not given…. This is a world wide known statement, giving a toddler respect as a human being I agree, Giving a toddler respect as a Adult your asking for trouble and you are the brainwashed one.
I feel pretty sure you’ve found your way to the wrong website. The approach I teach is about respecting babies beginning at birth…and it works!
In regards to spanking I am a believer in its sparing use. There was 11 children in my family and my mother was almost perfect as well as my father we got a few spankings, deserved I am sure. no one is the least bit violent or abusive. Children know if they deserved a well place swat even if they don’t like it. I had 8 children and they are all exemplary parents and they all got a spank or two. probably no more than 4 or 5 apiece less in some cases. they were used sparingly but very helpful and would recommend that they are a kind way to say don’t ever , ever do that again. Like running in the street, it is a very clear message and they get it and it is worth the embarresment, It only works good if it is rarely used. I must be used with complete control and good communications at the exact time of the incident. Another time I found it extremely useful and it usually only took 1 or 2 times at the most,( because after that they knew it was a real possibility ).That was at diaper changing. If, while being wildly unco-operative, they got a warning that they did not heed, while on the counter, they got a quick pop on the bare bottom. They knew exactly what it was for and I never had a child or grand child who didnot respond pretty much perfect with every messy diaper hear after, And I promise they all have great self images and love Grandma all 27 of them. And yes there is a difference in spanking and slapping and hitting and beating and the kids are smart enough to know the difference. And alot of kids would be better off with a few of my well placed spankings than some of the drama of the other types of modern day methods the key is sparingly and for the right offence. extreme belligerence, dangerous behavior, or a quick reminder to lay still this is a stinky mess and I’m doing you a favor don’t mess with grandma! Good luck be kind but be in charge.
Elaine, if you felt certain you could have the same results (cooperation, “great self images and love for Grandma”, etc.) would you still give a “well placed” spank? Why? Because I can 100% guarantee that you could have all of those things without ever deliberately hurting your babies.
I don’t think you can 100 percent guarentee that. You must be extremely naive or arrogant.
Hurting your babies? Seriously? That is a very ignorant thing to say.
Meich, are you saying that being spanked doesn’t hurt? I’m confused. I thought that was the whole idea… to hurt a child in order to “teach a lesson”.
No, when I spank my children, it doesn’t hurt them. I have never left a mark, nor have I ever ‘hurt’ them. Its a lesson. Nothing more, spanking them when then do something wrong (and not when you are upset), teaches them that that action was wrong. I don’t ever hurt them. Its just more of an awareness.
Meich, with all respect, you are quickly losing credibility. Can you admit that the “lesson” is being taught with pain? If you are not intending to make your children feel pain, why not just tap them on the shoulder and tell them what you expect? As you said, children are smart, so, why treat them as if pain is the only thing they can understand? We can “teach” all we want, but what children end up learning is what we model. And you are modeling that inflicting pain on others is the “answer”, the best teacher, perfectly okay. Do you honestly not see this?
I’m torn about the spanking thing too. I grew up knowing full well that being bad could lead to spanking and it did occasionally happen, HOWEVER, the spankings never hurt. There was no actually pain involved. My dad and my mom both ‘spanked’ so lightly that it was really more of a pat on the behind. The only thing I remember going through my mind when I was spanked was ‘oh man, Dad is SERIOUS’. To me, spanking the way my parents did was really just the last ditch way to get through to me that they were not messing around. I was a strong willed child and I know they had tried everything else before spanking was considered. I guess I would have to say that the way they did it does not register as punishment with me. I repsected my parents enough to know that I had really disappointed them with my behaviour if we were to the point of spanking.
Who exactly is loosing credibility Janet? You who out right argues with everyone who disagrees with you, who claims even toughing children is abuse, and declares that everyone who was spanked is brainwashed or in deep denial, ( all your words BTW) Or Meich who doesn’t agree with your “method” ANd is trying to raise decent adults who understand what expectations are and consequinces.
What is “toughing” children? I’ve never heard that one.
I agree 99% with this article. When consequences must be used, then yes they need to be firm and calm, not shaming, natural, etc etc.
Where I feel this slightly misses the boat, however, is that it does not touch at all on the POSITIVE ways we can help our children ‘behave better’. A consequence, no matter how ‘natural’, is still a ‘negative’ thing to the child. It is still the removal of something they wanted, and perhaps their misbehavior that resulted in the consequence was something they really were not able to control, being the age they are. At least not able to control by themselves.
A child is refusing to get dressed. So, the consequence is they can’t go to the park. Fair enough, but that skips a step. There are many gentle, caring, playful ways that a parent can HELP their child get to a place where she wants to get dressed, without immediately going STRAIGHT to the ‘then we can’t go to the park’ ultimatum – which will almost certainly result in a meltdown.
When very young children are resistant to a task that they need to do, simply giving them the ultimatum of a negative consequence will usually not bring about the good behavior. They are still too immature to properly process this in a calm and rational way to come to the decision “oh, okay, I’ll do it then.” The emotional reaction of “what??? but I WANT it!” is likely to impede any rational thought processes completely!
A gentler approach might be something like “oh dear, we really want to go to the park but we can’t go NAKED (giggling), how can I help you get dressed?” Or avoid the ‘no park’ thing entirely and say “let’s have a race, see if you can be dressed before I’ve got my bag packed.” Or take her pants and start to put them on her head, saying matter-of-factly “there, you’re dressed now” — that will guarantee some giggles and she’ll start to calm down and probably say “NO they go on my LEGS — like THIS”.
Or if a child is throwing food — instead of *instantly* saying ‘meal time is over’, address the need underneath. Perhaps “okay, we can’t throw food, look at the mess it makes, but you can throw this soft toy if you like.” Or maybe they’re bored and need more interaction from you. Taking away the meal is definitely the final consequence, but indeed the FINAL one — after other more helpful options have been tried.
In other words, it is better to START with a cooperative, helpful, and playful attitude with your toddler. The natural consequences are certainly going to come into play once in awhile, but young children still need a whole lot of help in order to ‘behave well’ beyond just externally-imposed limits.
I totally agree w/ this reply %100.
Heather, thank you for this input. I know that yours is a popular approach, but I prefer interactions that are more honest and straightforward…and I believe children can handle them. Sometimes silliness comes over us in these situations and it is very authentic for us to be playful. But playfulness should not be manufactured, especially out of a reticence to face our child’s emotional reactions. Yes, there are threatening ways to say, “If you don’t get dressed, we won’t go to the park”, but there are also honest, direct ways… “We won’t be able to get to the park today if we can’t get you dressed. Do you need help?” If the child refuses and we keep coaxing, we are not giving our child the leadership he needs. Toddlers are very aware. They know we don’t want them to throw food! And they don’t do this because they suddenly have a need to throw! What they need is someone who listens, knows how intelligent they are and is not at all intimidated by their disagreements or emotional outbursts.
I was definitely spanked growing up. I definitely don’t have any trust issues with my mother, and no aggressive or violent tendencies (beyond a certain amount of survival instinct), and most of the children I knew were being spanked have grown up into well-adjusted, normative adults. I say “most” because one or two of those kids did grow up aggressive, but it’s unrealistic to say that something like spanking is the sole cause of aggression in a child. There may be correlation, but that is not the same as causation. Without monitoring a family’s every move for months on end, it isn’t really possible to determine if spanking is the sole cause of a child’s aggression or trust issues with his parents. That’s like saying that a child who plays violent video games will inevitably become violent. This statement is also untrue–the vast majority of children who play violent video games do not indulge in violent tendencies, otherwise the world would have descended into chaos, given the millions of people who participate in violent video games. The fact is, different modes of discipline will work better with different children. James Dean is rumored to have been a child who would not respond to spanking, but to reason, even at a very young age. But many young children do not respond to reason, as that capability takes a while to develop. Telling a three year old, “Stop pulling the cat’s tail” doesn’t necessarily make the child stop pulling the cat’s tail. They don’t understand that they’re hurting the cat. Some children will respond to having the cat taken away. Others will start tormenting the cat the moment they’re around it again. This is something I’ve noticed a lot around many small children around small-ish animals. They are not malicious in any way, but they are also unaware of the consequences of their actions, such as hurting the animal. If the kid doesn’t respond to reason, or other action, time for a swat on the butt. Spanking should not be used as an angry punishment so much as a tool for setting limits. For me, spanking was a last resort. It was very uncommon for me to be spanked. If I got a spanking, it was a quick swat on the butt, because I didn’t listen to my mom the first time she told me to stop doing something. My dad steadfastly refused to do the spanking because he’s a big guy and knew it would be easy for him to inadvertently hurt me. And my mom would only spank me if she was not doing it out of anger, but as a reinforcer that what Mom and Dad say, goes. She set limits and I respected them. My dad jokes that he can count the number of times my sister and I were spanked on one hand. That’s not too far from the truth. We were spanked very sparingly. But then we knew our limits. And I’m happy to say that both of us have happy relationships with our parents. That isn’t to say that some parents spank inappropriately, or out of anger, or too harshly. If you’re hitting your kid not to let them know their limits, but because you are angry with them, then you are not spanking. You are hitting. And you are probably hitting hard. Two of my cousins were swatted with a belt whenever they misbehaved. That is wrong. You can tell how much pressure you’re putting on a child’s butt with a spank of the hand. Ultimately, I guess the point of my now very-long-winded post is that it’s unrealistic to say that spanking will without a doubt be the sole cause of aggression and trust issues in a child, and it’s a little unfair to automatically condemn parents who sparingly utilize spanking not as a punishment, but as a tool for setting limits. No, spanking should not be used for every child, or for every disobedience, and it should not be allowed by anyone but the parent(s), definitely not schools or daycare facilities. And no, I’m not brainwashed, and my parents did not abuse me, and very shortly after each spanking was over, my mom would of course hug me and let me know that she loved me, and was not angry with me, and never once did I distrust her. That’s the way it is with a lot of kids, probably most kids. So yeah. That’s my two cents…probably more like my twenty cents given how much I’ve typed here. Lol. ^^
I agree with this completely. All Chilren are different and so respond differently to forms of disapline. Some need a spanking just to set the limits. But parents have to be oh so careful with this. They can not be too emotional. If my son bites he gets bitten. He has to know that it hurts and he has to treat people the way he’d like to be treated because that’s the way things work in the real world. As long as your child knows it’s the bahavior that is not acceptable but that he/she is always acceptable and loved. I fight myself with this sometimes however because how can one spank/hit and teach not to be violent? This isn’t leading by example. So i see both sides of this arguement. One thing I’m sure about is that tactics should be based on the demeanor of the child.
So funny. I wrote my comment before I read your comment, and we wrote almost exactly the same thing…that we were spanked, that it was used sparingly, that we understood why we were being spanked, that it happened infrequently, that our parent followed up afterwards to let us know they loved us, that we still love our parents, that it had no long term impact and that most people we talk to that were spanked also express the exact same sentiments about it.
Must be a trend. 😉
I appreciate those who have spoken out acknowledging the validity of occasional, appropriate spankings. I agree with one commentator who stated that there is a difference between being hit and being spanked – hitting is done out of anger, is intended to wound, and is never called for in any situation with a child. When my parents used spanking as a form of discipline, it always started with a conversation repeating what I had done that resulted in requiring discipline, and whichever parent stating that they loved me. My dad would sometimes include that “this hurts me more than it hurts you,” and often had tears in his eyes after placing a few firm pats on my butt. Note that they were firm pats; a spanking should never be hard enough to bruise, just enough to make the point. They are then followed up with a long hug, reminders of the parent’s love, and reiterating why it was necessary and how to avoid it in the future. I cannot understand how discipline, done in this loving manner (and you can’t deny the love!) could ever be scarring to a healthy child who was raised in a loving environment. Obviously if the child had ever been in any type of an abusive situation they would be treated differently, since they would have an innate fear instead of trust.
This is a great article! I have a question though… I am ashamed to admit that our road to learning to eat solids has been very frustrating most times, and I have allowed this to get the best of me, to the point where I down right yelled at my 11 month old, threw all his food in the sink in a tantrum of my own, and stomped off. Which led him to cry his little heart out. Usually he just crocodile tears, but these were real, open, honest, hurt tears, and I could have gutted myself right then and there for allowing my emotions to get the better of me. I then furthered the situation by walking away from him when he was crying and crawling towards me, because I was so frustrated and didn’t want to snap at him. I’ve refused to allow this to happen again, but I still worry.. has this caused a permanent association with my son? Will he think my love is conditional and this kind of reaction would be the norm?
Roxy, if this was a onetime reaction, it’s highly doubtful that you’ve caused anything “permanent”. Children are naturally adaptable and resilient. When we change our tune, they begin to harmonize with us again very quickly. I’m wondering about your impatience with the solid foods, though, and which “road” you are taking. Do you think your expectations are reasonable? For some children it can take a long time to get used to the idea of eating solid foods.
I find it a bit contradictory that you say say “never spank” and “give him a pillow to punch” on the same page.
So in one instance, you are teaching the child that it’s okay to let out their emotions in a violent way. If it’s a pillow when they’re toddlers, what is it when they’re teenagers? Teaching children to react in that way is going down a dangerous path.
But you say that spanking is always damaging? I find this hard to believe. I was spanked as a child… and it was in NO WAY damaging. I never once thought it was because my parents loved me any less. In fact, many children would prefer a quick spanking as opposed to having privileges taken away.
And violent tendencies? I’m not violent at all… never have been.
I witnessed my parents spanking my brother on TWO occasions in our entire lives and it deeply affected my very sensitive nature. It also profoundly impacted him in our otherwise loving and nurturing home, he now suffers from Major Depressive Disorder and has been on and off anti-depressants and in and out of counselling for more than half his life.
Spanking doesn’t fix ANYTHING, it doesn’t teach consequence to actions. Your boss isn’t going to spank you if you don’t live up to your performance, your partner isn’t going to spank you if you don’t do the dishes (unless that’s your kink, but I’m not talking about consensual activities). I have *never* seen spanking done in a respectful manner.
I don’t remember the circumstances surrounding why my brother was spanked (he was probably 10 or so), but I do remember seeing how angry my mother was, I remember being terrified that she would hit me, being grateful that I was not the one in trouble, horrified that she could do this, and so incredibly hurt by the witnessing of it.
Also, I totally disagree with a commentors assertions that our children are going to hell in a hand basket because they lack the requisite “childhood spanking”. I think it’s a total lack of boundaries (and our inability to say “no”). At the beach yesterday, I watched as a kid (12?) repeatedly threw sand at his mom as a “joke”, and her response eventually was to get up and chase him, and then when she caught him he was in a world of trouble, then thirty seconds later she was pushing him around “playfully”. My wife and I commented on the lack of boundaries this whole crew of kids had, which then manifested itself into a bunch of rude boys with foul language and disrespectful behaviour not only to their parents, but to each other and themselves.
omg – look up research on depressive disorder. It is not b/c your brother was spanked twice at age 10.
I would ask those who believe spanking did them no damage whether they’ve ever been to therapy or done intropsective work? Often times people make a statement like this, but have not delved deeply into their own issues. I don’t say this to be insulting, but for me before I went into therapy I was totallly and completely in denial about the damage done growing up in a family that spanked and used threats. When I got real with myself I saw that I was depressed, struggled with alcohol addiction (which passed for “normal” social drinking), and didn’t know how to navigate or regulate my emotions at all. We need to call a spade a spade – spanking is abuse. You can say you turned out fine (don’t we want better than fine?), but you have no idea who you might be had your parents treated you like a human being worthy of respect, and there is no way to say that spanking is respectful. And to confuse it with love by following it with a hug? When a man hits his wife and then tells her he loves her we call that a serious mind game. I love my parents and I know they love me and did the best they could with what they had and knew. It took me many years to find my way to this place.
Elanne, you have my great admiration. Thanks for sharing.
Elanne,
You also have my admiration and respect.
I am an introvert and have done significant introspective work as an adult under the guidance of licensed therapists, primarily due to issues that arose in my late teen years with my mother’s onset of mental instability. I ask that you read the following with an open mind, because you and I had different experiences and came to different conclusions on it.
My conscious memories – clear ones – go back to before I could even walk. This is a fairly common trait in my family and not something I am retroactively manufacturing. I remember distinctly watching my mother fasten my diaper pins and wondering how big I’d have to grow before I’d be strong enough to open them without hurting myself. I was an unusually self-aware child, and capable of reasoning, but along with that came a pretty rebellious streak that showed up earlier than other kids, too.
Both of my parents occasionally used spanking on me. It was primarily for things like not coming immediately when I was called. This may seem like a harsh thing, but when you live where there is busy traffic, loose neighborhood dogs, occasional snakes, et cetera, it is imperative that your child obey you immediately and without question. As a child, if I did not see what my parents were talking about, I’d assume that I knew just as well as they did and disobey them – except that I knew that if they called a command and I disobeyed, I’d get a sharp (non-damaging, but stinging) swat to my behind.) Just because a child is smart and can reason doesn’t mean that there is always time to reason in a dangerous situation, and if I had not been well-trained by lovingly planned physical discipline, there were certainly times when I may have lost my life.
I REMEMBER noticing this as a child. I remember what it felt like to be spanked, and I remember what it emotionally felt like. I remember beginning to put two and two together, and I remember – when I was no more than five or six – seeing friends of mine who had not been trained for immediate, unquestioning obedience actually get hurt because of it. And as a five or six year old, I saw the wisdom of my parents in what they’d done for me. I was glad I had my parents, and not theirs, even though their parents seemed nice. I watched as my parents used spanking on my younger siblings. For example, my brother would not stay away from the stove even though they had tried holding his little hand close enough to show the discomfort of the heat (which had been enough to teach me.) Instead of letting him learn his own lesson by getting burned, he had to learn that the stove was a big NO and that if he touched it, he would be spanked. He learned this lesson quickly and with less physical damage than burning himself would have caused.
Later on, when my mother became unstable, she occasionally did spank me out of anger for things that I sometimes should have received a different, fitting discipline for, and sometimes for things that should have received no discipline at all. I was *well* aware of the difference, and disgusted by it. Even as a preteen, I could tell that she was out of control and taking out something on me that was not my fault. I could also tell that she was trying very hard to not be abusive, and only spanked me on my behind and never slapped me or hit hard enough to damage. I realized that this didn’t make it right, and I had to begin working on forgiving her early in my teens.
I certainly do not think every child needs to be spanked. Some children – like my little sister – are so sensitive to disapproval that a mere No can crush their little hearts. Other children, like me, think – not without some reason – think that they are as intelligent and capable as their parents, but still may need some kind of unpleasant reason to submit instantly when a commanding tone is given. Other children, like my brother, take so long to learn cause and effect, and have to be so old before reason works for them, that the knowledge that they may be spanked might be the only thing keeping them from very dangerous situations. My parents were very good at not threatening, just rationally and quickly and reliably acting on the guidelines they’d told us. This did not make me feel disrespected as a child, and I will always be grateful for their careful, loving parenting, including the spankings.
WOW you have no greay area at all do you elanne, Social drinking makes you an alcoholic, and Spanking is abuse!??? Are you kidding me? I doubt very much that all of you problem stem from spanking ( now if you were actually Beaten as a child that is different) But whomever has brainwashed you into these extreme was of thinking , my hat is off to them, That is master manipulation.
Although I agreed with 90% of the article, I disagree with the “no spanking.” Trust me when I tell you that children who are spanked do NOT become violent. Some of the most well respected, nicest people I’ve ever known were spanked as a child and have THANKED their parents for doing it! Coddling children through life is creating the problem we see today in children. And we are NOT CEO’s of a business…we are parents and we need to act like parents, otherwise, your child becomes the CEO/boss over you. Sorry…but it’s a fact!
Tristine, with all respect, why would I trust your anecdotal experiences over the many studies that have been done about the effects of physical punishment? Research overwhelmingly supports my view. And, by the way, none of these other guidelines I’ve described are effective if a parent spanks. Intentionally causing pain to a smaller weaker person under ANY circumstances is not respect for that person, so if you believe in that, the rest of my advice goes out the window. We can’t have both. Thank you for reading.
Question: How is taking a child to his/her room any different than ‘time out?’ We often use the step for ‘time outs’ and they are fairly effective. If he is totally out of control, we take him to his room and tell him he needs to ‘cool off.’ I would consider both of these time outs. I’m curious what the difference is.
“Time out” means isolating a child in order to teach a lesson, but the only lesson children learn from this is that they are bad, have mean parents, etc. They receive no guidance whatsoever about the behavior that is expected of them. Young children simply do not learn positive behavior this way. Time outs lead to more time outs. Taking a child to her room is something you do together that allows her to express her feelings privately and safely. This is empathy and kindness towards another human being, with the understanding that toddlers do not have the impulse or emotional control that adults have.
I think many of us have different definitions of time out. For 3 of my 4 kids it was a separation from the problem, going to their bedroom, and a chance to calm down. Some time to themselves. They could come out as soon as they wanted. And they did usually within a few minutes. I have said “Mom is upset right now, so I’m gonna take a few minutes in my room to calm down.” And I did. It wasn’t scary or rejecting. However, with kid #2 time outs did not work. She had a harder time calming down alone, we found she needed me to help her. So that’s what we did. Our goal was self-discipline, not punishment. Time-out never meant we didn’t talk to our kids or did not give guidance. It was a chance to be at peace. When you’re in chaos don’t you enjoy a moment alone to breathe? I sure do. My kids are now 9, 11, 13, and 15. And when frustrated they ALL (kid #2 began doing it herself around age 7), take a few minutes in their room. Now if you want to talk about forcing a child to sit in a certain place for a certain time, with no interaction that’s something else, but it will never be called time-out at my house:)
Great post.
I´m a new father and this is helpful.
Thank You.
Well, I thought the article was well written. I would never try to impose my parenting beliefs onto someone else, so of course I take all information in with a grain of salt. That said, the author’s comments come off as extrememly condescending and judgmental. I was a manipulative child and if my parents had apologized for spanking me (which they rarley did), I would have thought I owned them.
Lauren, I am sorry that you thought of yourself as manipulative. That is not an inborn trait. Children are not born manipulative, angry, bad, liars, etc., but they might become these things in response to the care they are given. Whether you were actually manipulative or just told (and treated as if) you were manipulative, this was not your fault.
You must stop telling people that nothing is their fault. You are not in the situation nor do you have the license to speak on the matter. Actions= consequences , therefore if you do it, IT IS YOUR FAULT.
I’ve had to delete a couple of your more abusive comments. One more, and you will be banned from the site. Thank you for illustrating so clearly that spanking is not effective parenting.
Interesting article. I actually agree with most of it. However, I am a bit confused about parts of it. There seem to be a lot of conflicting parts. On one hand spanking is violent, yet you encourage parents to let their toddler hit a pillow. No time out yet you remove a child from the situation and/or take them to their room to calm down. And the biggest one I see is to treat them like adults (like the respected underling of a CEO), however let them express their feelings freely and ultimately understand they are children.
You simply cannot do both. Children are CHILDREN. You cannot treat them like adults, and you cannot expect them to react like adults. Yes, a husband spanking his wife and then reminding her of his love would be an abuser manipulating his victim. However, a husband taking car keys from his wife because she missed curfew is also abusive, yet is acceptable fora teenager. Again, children are not adults.
You simply and definitely can treat children, beginning with babies, with the same respect you would an adult, while also understanding their stage of development. This is what we’ve been teaching at RIE for the last 40 plus years…and it works beautifully with children of all ages.
Children need safe and appropriate ways to express their feelings. Certainly you don’t equate a toddler hitting a pillow, an inanimate object, with an adult hitting another person, do you? Are both “abusive” in your eyes? Does the child seem a little less like a person, because he or she is small?
“Time out” means isolating a child in order to teach a lesson, but the only lesson children learn from this is that they are bad, have mean parents, etc. They receive no guidance whatsoever about the behavior that is expected of them. Young children simply do not learn positive behavior this way. Time outs lead to more time outs. Taking a child to her room is something you do together that allows her to express her feelings privately and safely. This is empathy and kindness towards another human being, with the understanding that toddlers do not have the impulse or emotional control that adults have.
Interesting article and useful information, but I have one problem with it. I like the idea of natural consequences vs. time out and can appreciate those that say they sometimes don’t have time for that – I will read the addt’l links provided. Here is my problem with the post:
I was spanked when I was a child and I don’t have any ill effects from it. I never didn’t love my father for it. He made it perfectly clear to me in calm, rational tones that he hated doing it, that he wished I would be more respectful of my mom or the rules and that he loved me very much. He told me it hurt him more than me and he always checked on me later on to make sure I was okay, to tell me he loved me, and that he was sorry but it had to be done when I did something bad. Once it was over, the issue was never brought up again, I had “done my time” so to speak, and the happy family dynamic snapped right back into position.
I have to add that I was spanked very infrequently. The first couple times set the tone, and it was enough to keep me in line for the long haul. Just the threat of a spanking was sufficient to stop bad behaviour and my parents did not even use the threat very often.
I have a poor memory in general, so I don’t remember a lot from being very young, but I remember this: his common sense reasoning and calm rational way of talking to me about it made me understand that my actions had consequences. That I could not talk back to my mom at the grocery store, or come home after dark, etc… I knew my punishment was not out of anger, but out of fear for my own safety and for breaking obvious rules of behaviour. I knew being spanked was simply a price to be paid for being bad.
So either I am an anomaly, or that study was not done properly.
I am curious what a study of full grown adults would say since I have yet to talk to anyone in my adult life, that was spanked, that had a bad word to say about it. Ever. I always hear the same thing, “It hurt, but I knew why they did it, and I think I would have turned out worse if they hadn’t.” I’ve never heard anyone say they hated their parents for it, or blame any of their personal issues on some latent effect from spanking. So should I believe studies or theories, or the reality around me after decades of talking to people about it?
Totally agree AWC. I commented above and had a similar experience. When spanking is done the right way, it is ultimately a very positive thing for the child. I definitely believe that I turned out better because of it.
Janet – My comment before was based on your comment that you don’t think that children who are spanked can understand the difference between being spanked and hit because YOU do not understand the difference. My point was to tell you that as a child, I completely understood the difference. I was definitely not one of those kids who was physically or emotionally abused, because I was not “hit” as you put it, and I really just wish you would understand that there is a calm and loving way to spank a child. I understand that you totally don’t believe in spanking, and I respect that. I don’t believe that it is the only way or always the discipline that a child needs, but in some cases, I do believe that it is the best option to teach the child self-discipline. My sister and I both learned a lot of self-discipline from it. I do believe that we turned out better for being spanked, not in spite of being spanked…and like the person above mentioned, we didn’t need spankings often because we learned how to control ourselves and do the right thing, even when our mom wasn’t looking. I just wish you would respect the fact that there is a difference between spanking and hitting, and even if you have a different philosophy, there are many people having much success with this one, too. By the way, I agreed with almost all of your post and feel that each point (with the exception of the last one) was right on and gives parents valuable insight and perspective. So I thank you for that. I respect your opinions and philosophy on parenting. I do believe that you can raise great kids without spanking, and I believe that if there are other ways that work better for certain kids, then great. But I have personal seen very positive results for so many children, including myself and my sister, and I can’t ignore that. I hope you can respect others’ views. Thanks.
Thank you Sarah, completely agree. As with anything, spanking can be done improperly (out of anger and frustration- most likely because the parent wasn’t being consistent as they should have in the beginning), but I was spanked growing up and am very grateful for my parents wisdom and love (I have a great relationship with them by the way).
If you were spanked as a child and now insist that is is an effective form of discipline, consider why it worked as a deterrent when you were a child. FEAR. Period. If a child ceases an activity or behaviour out of fear of spanking, it is only teaching them negative reinforcement and they are not really learning why their behavior is inappropriate. Instead of thinking “I shouldn’t break my sister’s toy because it doesn’t belong to me”, they simply think, “I’m not going to break this toy because I don’t want to be spanked”. There is a big difference between the two – one is a child actually learning to use their judgement and the other is fear. Do you want your child to fear you? Can you HONESTLY say that it is the BEST form of discipline you can muster. If it is not, then why in the world would you choose to harm your child. I think it is not only lazy but cruel to create a sense of fear in a child when there are so many other more effective tools at your disposal. There is no such thing as spanking “done the right way” and it sounds to me like many of you are simply trying to justify your actions (or your parents actions). Spanking is violence. It is physical aggression. No amount of “my parents did it and I turned out fine” changes that very simple fact.
Completely disagree. I am not trying to justify anyone’s actions. I don’t believe it is violence. My mother spanked me in a very calm, loving way, and it was a way to show me that my poor choices in life had poor consequences. When I got older, I really understood this concept, and I made much better choices, not because I was afraid of being spanked, but because I understood that bad choices had consequences. I was never in pain for long after a spanking, but the little sting was a good way to help me understand that there were consequences for my actions. And because of the way my mother would calmly talk to me before and after, I felt loved by her. She always told me she loved me and didn’t like spanking me, but it was so I could learn. She always made sure my heart was in the right place at the end–it wasn’t just about getting me to do the right action.
Our parents also put us on our tummies to sleep, but since then it has been proven scientifically to increase SIDS risk. Just because we didn’t die of SIDS does it make sense to say “well I turned out fine”? The point is, that just because you believe you are unaffected by being spanked as a child, not every child is so lucky and making that assumption about your own child seems naive. Why risk it? I’m not condemning anyone’s parents, because they didn’t know any better, but now that there is research out there suggesting that children who are spanked are more aggressive, less trustful, etc., why would anyone still do it? If there is even a chance that something could potenitally harm my child, I’m not going to do it. Sure, the chance of my child suffocating on a stuffed animal or blanket in his crib is very low, but why would I take that chance and have those things in his crib in the first place when there is so much data out there about the risk? Should people just ignore the research on the effects of spanking? That seems negligent to me.
I would also argue that spanking teaches children that their bodies are not solely their own – that someone else has the right to do what they see fit. I think it is important (especially for little girls) to learn that no one (not even their parents) may touch them in anyway that makes them uncomfortable.
And lastly, let us please remember that this article is about toddlers. I certainly hope no one on this board is advocating spanking a 2 year old.
Lucy, I totally agree about the high risk factor. Why risk it? The research is compelling.
Sarah, I don’t quite understand the focus on the difference between “hitting and spanking”. I realize that you believe spanking to be a legitimate and productive way to teach a child (and I strongly disagree). But the physical act itself is exactly the same as a hit, isn’t it? The only difference is that one is more intentional and can be given calmly, with empathy, as your mom demonstrated to you.
The first time spanking happens ( and like Lucy, I HOPE this doesn’t happen to a 2 year old, although I know it happens to children much younger than that), the child only knows that her parent is inflicting pain on her…and it is a shock. The child learns that this happens because she has done something wrong and believes herself deserving of it. We are hard pressed not to believe that our parents will always do what’s right. Parents are hugely powerful in our lives and when we are small we desperately need them. If they spank us, we want to believe that is a good thing to do. This is why I see physical punishment as a kind of brainwashing that gets passed down through the generations, until someone is enlightened and then works diligently to break the cycle.
As I’ve mentioned here in previous comments, the discipline approach that I believe in and recommend here does not work if punishments, especially hitting, swatting, thumping, spanking, slapping, flogging, or whatever term you use, are included. I’m sure there is advice out there for you, but I don’t have it. Physical punishments can be given with love, I suppose, but they cannot possibly be given with respect. So, they undo everything I teach.
Will have to disagree with yu about spanking. Spanking is the consequence if bad behavior. I was spanked and I’m not a violent person. Didn’t cause me to think my parents didn’t love me…quite the opposite. My mother always said it hurt her worse than it did me. And that she did it because she loved me. Didn’t understand that as a child but once grown I got it.
I pushe pd my boundaries and she pushed back. When I misbehaved I got punished. I learned not to misbehave, thus no punishment,
It’s the hot stove technique. And it works.
I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic, not depressed, don’t have mommy issues etc. I was spanked to help make me a productive member of society, and I am.
Donna, thank you for your comment. This is a key point: “Didn’t understand that as a child but once grown I got it.” But you were a child when this was happening…
I just couldn’t read the rest of these comments because I became too stick to my stomach over your disrespect to those that disagree with you about spanking. It seems that most of the people who agree we’re not spanked as children and most of those who disagree were. Well, I’m one of those that disagree, and was spanked as a child. I’m also the proud aunt of three boys whose mothers spank them and I have seen the “effects” now as an adult as well. They are as such: better behavior, known boundaries, and the taming of an overly willful child. I can see within my own congregation parents who struggle to keep their children under control, and those whose children are well behaved and I know for a fact that those whose children are well behaved are from parents who use spanking as part of their discipline. Hw can you look at entire generations of people who were raised with spanking as part of their discipline, thousands of years, even, and say it is archaic and out dated. What happened to the thought “if it’s not broken, don’t fix it”? Spanking doesn’t break children, nor does it diminish trust in their parents if done correctly.
I have also worked in the school system, in elementary schools, and I can tell from a child’s behavior who is properly disciplined at home and who is not. Most teachers and assistants I worked with agreed that those who were not just needed a decent spanking to correct their behavior.
Anyway, the point I wanted to make was this, and it may have already been mentioned but I’m going to say it anyway:
Dr. Spock, the man who championed the idea to not spank your children…didn’t his son commit suicide?
Sounds like a LOT of people (myself included) grew up with spanking, and have grown into perfectly fine and well rounded individuals. As a teacher and a mother- I firmly believe in discipline and will “spank” my son when he needs to be spanked. This is why my son is a well mannered, bright, happy, and WELL BEHAVED child. He knows the rules, as well as the consequences. He also LOVES his mommy and daddy, and knows he is completely adored and loved as well. I see all types of parenting styles and the results of it walking though my classroom doors year after year…and I assure you, if all these “hover parents” of todays society would quit this “don’t say no” and “never spank EVER” mentality…these kids would not have HALF the issues I see in the classroom. They have NO idea how to follow RULES- and expect NO consequences. They don’t even know what consequences ARE! It’s riduculous. Discipline your children…they CRAVE structure and discipline! And YAY for those on here stepping up and proving that spanking does NOT always produce sad and violent children. What nonsense!
Angelina, it sounds like you have this all figured out…so I can’t help but wonder why you are reading my post. Best of luck to you.
My husband and I were both spanked as children. I was only spanked twice, and it wasn’t even hard enough to hurt, really. I just remember feeling completely ashamed. My husband’s experience could more closely resemble abuse. Either way, it wasn’t a positive thing, and we have chosen not to spank our children. Our kids are well-behaved, even with very strong personalities. I’m not judging anyone else’s parenting style. I just wanted to add my two cents.
I agree with angelina, the society we are creating through not displining our children is sad and critally in failure. Goes right along with don’t dispoint children and don’t let them fail ever. If things are just handed to children they will never learn to be at their best. And the same goes for spanking and disapline, spanking is not a quick thing, it is a final straw, it is the line crossed and the boundaries pushed. It tells the children when they have gone too far and need to be back in line. And it does breed well-behaved and happy children when coupled with love and admoration.
I was spanked as a child as well was my husband and we strive to be a no spanking household. I know that spanking harmed my self-esteem and contributed to my promiscuity as a teen and young adult. Being hit by someone who is supposed to love you causes mental scars even if it is well-intentioned. I do not blame my parents, but when you know better you do better. I have spanked my oldest child in a sleep-deprived fog. He was jealous of his little brother and hit him while I was nursing. I can think of many other ways to have handled it. Losing patience when there are life stressors can be a trigger to resorting to physical forms of discipline so I try to take a walk or do something to release steam. I think one of the things that really made clear to me the futility of hitting a child was taking any defense people have of that practice and inserting the word wife instead of child. “I only spank my wife when she doesn’t come when I call her because I have to show her I love her enough to teach her the right way.” “I only spank my wife when she talks back because I can’t have a woman talking back to me.” The bottom line is hitting another human being is unnecessary, disrespectful and condescending. The author is absolutely right, there are more effective, less damaging ways to teach a child. I must say that I was a teacher and I thought the children who were spanked at home tended to be sneaky or overly-emotional. The most confident, happy children I knew had parents who had taken time to follow the Love and Logic workshops that my school provided for parents.
Carissa, (and Angelina and Becca, et al.) This tail of the debate about spanking has boiled down to: There are two choices, spoiling or spanking. (as if the old puritanical saying were a good guiding light.) I propose a third position: Spanking isn’t necessarily bad (children are resilient), it’s just that there is a better way.
There seem to be three arguments on the side of spanking:
1) We were spanked, and we turned out okay,
2) There is a lot of misbehavior in school, in church, in homes and on the street and obviously no one is setting boundaries for these kids–spanking does the trick;
3) It worked for generations, and “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
There are two reason it is important to find a better way:
a) That world where children were taught boundaries by spanking was not a better place; that world was broken in many respects.
b) Boundaries can be maintained in a way that is based less on fear and more on love.
There is a third position—a better way that doesn’t include spanking. I have seen it in the behavior and the lives of thousands of children, parents and teachers: well-behaved, socially responsible people who care about others and are making a success of themselves—all without spanking. (My experience as parent, grandparent, school principal and educator since 1967.) This is a blurb from what I wrote on my blog last week.
“A litter of puppies is nursing at their mother’s teats when one of them uses its teeth. What does the mother do? Her head instantly whips around from its calm, peaceful state, and snaps at the offender. Offenses need to be corrected as decisively as possible.
“But human puppies are more complex and for best results they require a more complex reaction process. Snapping at children like a dog with her puppies is O.K., and at the same time not O.K. It is O.K. in that snapping delivers a message. It is not O.K. in that…” it’s effect on emotional intelligence is negative. (www.geniusinchildren.org)
One more thought: scripture tells the story of how Abraham thought he heard God tell him to sacrifice his son. Issac. But as he prepared to do so, the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
“Do not lay a hand on the boy,” said the angel.
We think we know what scripture tells us to do, but the summary “of all the law and the prophets” is to love. There are more loving ways to deliver messages than hitting. My soul cried out for better ways, and I found them. Others have, too.
“Better to do something, be wrong and learn, than to go flipping through some parenting rulebook or blindly to do what your parents did to you. Yes, there are valid principles of good parenting, and the cardinal principle is not to obey them but rather to listen to your genius and to follow the dictates of your soul.” (http://bit.ly/Q9bwRI)
This is an amazing post – I work as a medical family therapist at a rural pediatric clinic and wish EVERY parent I meet could read this (and follow through!) Incredible advice, thank you so much for sharing. I am following you on Facebook now and will eagerly await your updates. Thank you for everything you do!!!
My pleasure, Christine. Thank you for your support!
Someone may have already asked this question but I am having a hard time reading through all the spanking arguments to find what I am looking for.
What are some examples of consequences to use when the child is hitting/pushing another child? My son does not respond to just being talked to about things due to the fact that he has a speech delay so communication is difficult and I am hoping to find a more tangible way of him being able to SEE what happens when he hits..
What about dealing with a Toddler with suspected Autism. He is non-verbal at 21 months…appears to be very frustrated and often thorws tantrums. Will only eat 4 foods and doesn’t sleep through the night. Has not seemed to find self-calming techniques yet.
Hi Denise! This must be an extremely challenging time for you. I would not question or stress about the 4 foods. Typical toddlers go through phases like this, too, and the more we trust, the better. Non-verbal at 21 months is also not uncommon. And neither are frustration and tantrums… Is there a particular guideline in this post that you don’t think would apply to your boy? The issues you’ve mentioned are typical for toddlers.
Good info!
Just wondering how these guidelines would work for a younger toddler (14 months) who might not yet understand all of the consequences to his actions? I love your posts and am totally signed up to the positive parenting but they often seem geared towards the older toddler – 2 years and upwards. I am finding it tricky to put these guidelines in place when he doesn’t yet understand concepts such as going/not going to the park.
Thanks!
Hi Cheryl! In this post I share my thoughts about the “beginnings” of healthy boundaries and setting limits with children your little one’s age: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/01/baby-discipline-person-to-person/
I would like to add a thought to consider when deciding the question of spanking, and that is that there are different ways to spank a child.
Those who were emotionally or physically scarred by spanking are usually the result of spankings administered in anger and lack of self-control. This is obviously wrong. How can we teach our children self control at the very moment we are indicating our lack?
However, there is a way to spank a child which I believe is right. This is done when the child clearly understands the reasonable rules the parent has placed on the household, that breaking one of those rules will result in a spanking, has chosen willfully to disobey, and is spanked as a “natural” consequence of his/her action.
The latter is the way my parents disciplined me. I love them dearly and never questioned their love for me. Before spankings my father would go through the same routine: he would sit down with me, explain exactly what I had done, talked about ways to do better in the future, told me that he loved me dearly and was doing this because he knew it was best, and then administered the spanking in a calm, controlled manner. I was allowed to cry a little and then hugs and kisses were exchanged.
In my opinion the emotional state of the parent should be the biggest factor when deciding which punishment is best for the child. Some people struggle with anger management and a spanking should NEVER be given out of anger.
I agree that “Purposely inflicting pain on a child cannot be done with love”, when the intent is purely to inflict pain (which usually is the result of the parent becoming angry).
I believe that most parents today have not been trained in self-control enough themselves to teach self-control to their children through spanking. Far too many end up being inconsistent, angry, and abusive. But that is because of the method in which they chose to spank their children, not because spanking is inherently wrong in and of itself.
I hope these thoughts help anyone considering the proper discipline for their child.
Let me start by saying that there are some very good rules to parenting in this article. However, I don’t agree with some of what is stated.
Natural consequences only work when you have one child. I have twins and I can’t punish both for the behavior of one. How do I say, “your sister won’t get dressed, so you can’t go to the park either” without causing them to act out on each other? We need to teach them responsibility and it starts at a very young age. We need to teach them that you need to do things on a daily basis even though you really don’t feel like it at times. You as an adult might not want to do a specific task at work but you know you must do it. You don’t wait for natural consequences to take place because you have the responsibility placed on you to do that task. If we all believed in natural consequences, there would be no law or order in life and I am pretty sure that would not work out well for any of us. If someone is drinking and driving, do you want to wait for natural consequences to take place? I sure don’t!
Time outs are a must in my house. When one child is not behaving, they need to be taken out of the situation and talked to in order to fully understand what is happening. If I leave them in the environment where they acted out, they are often distracted by the very thing that is the cause of the behavior, usually a toy that the other has. Using my reference from above, I would rather have the police interfere and remove the drunk driver from their car and not just ignore the behavior.
I also think that the problem with the “me” generation is that they don’t fear their parents a little, or even respect them. While I don’t want them to feel afraid of me at any given moment, I do want to to have a little fear of acting out and what their consequence will be. I was a middle school teacher for 10 years before staying home with my kids and realized during those years that if I don’t discipline my child for their wrong actions when they are little, they will grow up with no respect for authority and will take very little responsibility for their own actions.
Lastly, and I promise I will get off of my soap box, I will not keep my children cooped up in the house the majority of the time like the article states. If we were to stay at home, we deprive our children of becoming socialized and learning from the many wonders that are outside of our doors. I take my kids somewhere every day in order to let them experience life. And being a little selfish, I can’t imagine being at home all day every day. If we were to stay at home until they are out of the toddler stage, how will they ever learn how to behave in the outside world? I want my children to know how to act at the library, restaurant, grocery store, play ground, etc. I am not going to deprive them of those experiences to make it easier for me to teach them how to act while at home.
I was spanked as a child, and I find no negative reprocussions other then not wanting it to happen again. A little bit of fear can go along way, and without spankings ( i’m not talking beating! I’m saying spanking on the bottom with clothes one! with amn open palm) There is no fear and no order. If you would like to be the mom in the store who keeps saying stop that in a calm voice while your child runs up and down the aisle. Be my guest but i promise one day someone will spank them for you.
Like many, I was spanked as a child. I love my parents dearly and respect them greatly. I was precocious and I actually remember getting into quick-sand when my parents had told me clearly ¨don´t go into the muddy water because you can drown¨. They found out, because I couldn´t get my flip-flops out of the sand. I could have died and they were horrified. I don´t think I ever received a bigger fly-swatting. I was 6 years old. I´ve never forgotten what happened because the swatting REALLY made me THINK. That was 40 years ago. I do believe in spanking. Right now, we have a toddler of 28 months and my husband is a coddler. Drives me nuts! Our daughter is very smart, knows right from wrong, does wrong, and my husband just says, ¨Now don´t do that blah, blah¨. I´m at my wits end because I would definitely give our daughter a good wack on the booty or hand. She is playing us like a deck of cards and this is ridiculous. I was in IKEA yesterday and she threw her food everywhere, knocked a bottle of chocolate milk on me, but knowing exactly what she was doing! I just ignored the ¨scenario¨ but I actually, and honestly, wanted to spank her. If she does this when she is 2, what about when she is 16? My husband doesn´t understand this and we are fighting about it. I´m tired. We (I) can´t go anywhere with her. She was so sweet 6 months ago … what the heck happened?!! HELP!! I NEED to be able to controle my child!
Telling children to do (or not do) something is not enough. Children need clear boundaries and parents who follow through by HELPING them when they are choosing to misbehave or do something impulsively. It sounds like you are angry or at least annoyed with your daughter and she knows it, which doesn’t bode well for effective discipline. You need to be on the same team, not pitted against each other as it sounds like you are now. Was she sitting at a table when she threw food? That it something I would insist on whenever she eats or drinks. You can help her by waiting until she sits before offering her food. Boundaries should be given kindly and firmly, well before you lose your cool.
I’m unclear about what you are doing right now, besides not “wacking” her, but a post I recently wrote might interest you: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/09/respectful-parenting-is-not-passive-parenting/
it is the inconsistency between you and your husband that is the problem. Your child knows this and is playing both of you. Get on the same page – whatever it is- and be firm, loving, and most of all consistent. No wavering on the consequences. I won’t tell you what consequence is best for your child, b/c all children are differenent. But I do know, from experience, that she knows you the two of you don’t agree and is maniuplating your weakness.
Thank you so much for your great article. I’ve been struggling with discipline and time outs with my 2.5 yo. He’s terrified by time out – because he knows that it’s a punishment.
Thank you for reminding me of what truly matters in disciplining and raising my boy.
I found your post through Pinterest. Please consider creating an account there or adding a Pinterest button so we have more ways of following you!
Thank you for your kind words, Rebecca. If I wasn’t already spending so much time online…I would love to have a Pinterest account. I honestly feel a little too overwhelmed at this point.
In many European countries spanking children is illegal and socially unacceptable – and yet we do not have *nearly* the amount of societal problems that you do in the US. Sweden is a wonderful example, they outlawed corporal punishment over a generation ago and yet they still seem able to raise perfectly good kids without it…. Just a thought….
having been raised by a very stoic, swedish mother I can believe you don’t have a discipline problem because you have NO idea how to express ANY emotion. She did not react with joy to any accomplishment or anger to any misbehavior. NOT a model I want for my children.
I like the advice in this post….BUT I have a 1 and 2 year old.
My 2 year old really hurts her brother (normal sibling stuff). How to I teach her that purposely hurting her brother is wrong??? It becomes very frustrating when she is constantly repeating the same bad behaviors. HELP!
Sara, how are you handling this now?
when I saw the title of this article (posted on a friends facebook account) I had an instant negative reaction, but then I read the article. What good advice! I agree with EVERY point except #9. We raised 4 children who each reacted differently to discipline. We had very strict rules (four ourselves) about when we would spank and when we would not. We tried our best to understand typical toddler behavior, versus deliberate, toe across the line, defiance. Each child was unique and responded differently to our guidelines. With one, sending her to her room was the ultimate, end all, most effective way to deal with her purposeful disobedience; the next one LOVED being sent to her room to be alone, and the most effective discipline was removing choice from her daily routine (what she wore, ate, played with) and another would continue with naughty behavior until lightly spanked, our fourth was a combination of all the previous 3 and very challenging. While I totally agree that humiliating a child or expecting adult behavior from a toddler is wrong, I do not believe spanking; in a controlled, loving, gentle manner is going to lead to violent children.
(fyi ours are 28,25, 22 and 20 and are kind, gentle and loving) – btw we NEVER, EVER spanked if WE were angry no matter what the behavioral issue.
abuse is ALWAYS wrong, knowing what is best for each individual child is caring and responsible.
I absolutely loved this pin it opened my eyes to the things i was doing so completely wrong n reinsured me on the things i was doing right but didnt know if i was…thankyou
I know a lot of people site the passage from Proverbs, ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’. So what I don’t understand is why is it so bad and damaging today to spank and yet 30 or 40 years ago it was perfectly alright to do so? We adults grew up just fine with our backsides being warmed by mom and dad, some by a belt or switch. We are todays, executives and doctors as well as other walks of life. I see the difference between a spanking and a beating, one is far more detrimental then the other, but a spanking given out of love for the child’s learning of a lesson is never wrong. I agree that time out fails to do anything but that, give them a time out. After all, our prison systems are full of men and women in time out. Enough said. All that I am saying is that any discipline given with love and the child’s well being at heart is never ever wrong. I have three beautiful daughters that got a spanking when needed and they grew up just fine. None of them ever needed a shrink or other counseling and for that matter, turned to drugs or alcohol to escape reality. Again, enough said.
I am an adult, and I was never spanked as a child.
My mother raised my brother and I with respect.
We were raised with a lot of the discipline techniques Janet writes about. We followed our family rules, and if we didn’t we knew that there would be consequences. If you don’t want the consequences, you learn to follow the rules.
We still follow societies rules and have never been to jail.
I got married at 25, and am working at a nice place.
So you see you don’t have to spank to raise well behaved good mannered children into successful adults.
I love this post! My husband and I try very hard to be calm with our almost 3 yr old. We never yell, raise our voices, etc. because we know it won’t work because he doesn’t understand what’s going on. We have used time-out but it’s been very limited because he knows what’s expected of him and he knows the consiquences of not doing as we ask.
I was never spanked as a child and I thank God every day that she didn’t spank me. Like a lot of other people, I am married, have a nice job and graduated from a Big Ten college. I grew up responsible, loving and caring without being spanked.
Some people think it’s crazy to believe you can teach your kids how to behave without spanking or yelling, but you can. And it works wonders!
every form of violence will cause violence again – the best text i know about this issue is from swedish childrens books author astrid lindgren, “never violence”.
this in an excerpt, but i would also highly recommend to read the whole piece:
Never Violence
a story told by Astrid Lindgren
[Author of Pippi Longstocking]
“Above all, I believe that there should never be any violence.” In 1978, Astrid Lindgren received the German Book Trade Peace Prize for her literary contributions. In acceptance, she told the following story.
“When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor’s wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn’t believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking–the first of his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, “Mama, I couldn’t find a switch, but here’s a rock that you can throw at me.”
All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from the child’s point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery–one can raise children into violence.”
I think that too often we fail to feel situations “from the child’s point of view,” and that failure leads us to teach our children other than what we think we’re teaching them.
Hi. I was scrolling through pintrest and came along this picture of this boy. He Looks exactly like My son. Where did you get the picture?
Hi Amy. I got it from istock photo.
Abandoning an upset child to work out her own emotional stress is loving and respectful?! I’m horrified by this! The moment when they desperately need your love and guidance, you leave them alone? In what world does this make sense? I have never understood “time out”. Children need present-at-all-times guidance. All discipline should be carried out with the parent calm and present (emotionally/physically). Always. Why is it ok to physically force a child to leave a situation (picking up a screaming kicking child) but not to calmly, explain their poor behavior and give them a physical swat? How do you draw the line in your “force”? it seems disrespectful of the child to allow them to get that out of control in the first place.
I’ll have to add my name to the list of Mom’s who think the Spanking = violence trend, is way out of hand. The above comment with the excerpt from “Never Violence” a story told by Astrid Lindgren, is a perfect example. Of course the boy felt this way. His mother had never used this form of correction before. If she had, and it had never been abusive, he would know that his mother had his best interest at heart and would never have doubted her love. There are generations of non-violent adults who were well disciplined physically to attest to spanking as one useful tool in a well filled tool box.
Mykael, there are no recommendations for abandonment here. You must have misread.
Janet, Mykael may have been responding to a comment, not something in your article 🙂